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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Liveblogging Trapped in the Closet

Oh shit, y'all. R. Kelly is back with chapters 13-22 of Trapped in the Closet.

We have high hopes. I hope no one pisses on our parade.

48 sec: The first of ten "Oh shits" the dapper, white-suited Robert Kelly sings as a sort of refrain/reaction in the two-minute intro that reminds you of what went down in chapters 1-12 occurs.

1:19: One of the most amazing lyrics ever: "She was fucking around with this sausage-head ass policeman."

1:38: Multiple backup R. Kellys are harmonizing the "Oh shit" refrain, an effect not unlike a chorus of angels blessing the entire occasion.

2:21: R. rhymes "misdemeanah" with "Tina" but Jason says he should have rhymed it with "When I pissed on that teenager with my weenah."

2:45: R. drops another amazing-asseded lyric: "You're crazier than a fish with titties..."

4:10: Mr. Kelly, going all Eddie Murphy on us in a second role as Randolph, the long-suffering husband of Rosie the Nosy Neighbor, sings "I hope a pigeon fly by here and shit on your face," to which Rosie replies "If it do, I'ma wipe the shit on you." Mr. Kelly cannot, apparently, keep his personal predilections out of his art.

13:00: We're just watching, it's even more like a soap opera and less like a music video than the first one. They may as well not even be singing, to be honest. This is like Passions with a few more black folks and a little less magic and shit.

16:58: "Aww damn" ("Oh shit?") moment #2. Baby daddy drama.

19:50: "Aww Damn"moment #3 Tae bo lesbians.

27:34 (or so): R. Kelly's musical laugh is a thing of beauty.

22:57: R. Kelly in yet another role--a singing reverend. And, the song changed, finally. Amen! Been several damn chapters of the same motherfucking song. Oh, shit. It don't last. Eh, well.

24:05: Stuttering Pimp Lucius, another R. role. I have to say, the stutter is pretty damn funny.

26:50: "Aww damn" moment #whateva: Chuck "the gay guy" is in the hospital because he has "the package." Oh, shit.

33:something: Randolph tells Rosie something about the pastor or maybe Chuck getting "the package." "The package" is...AIDS? Or is it just gay sex? You know, like, literally, he got the package.

34:51: "Hands in the air!" R. sings "Hands in the air!" Oh, shit. We're famous!

37:36: It occurs to me that there has been 0% midget up in this mofo so far. Bullshit.

38:or I don't know: A pretty good number about "The Package" which explains nothing but it's sort of charmingly old-school movie musical in the way it's staged. And the song is different and all the different peeps talking sort of overlap in a cute way.

43:something: FINALLY, midget.

45:00 or so: Oh motherfucking R. Kelly. Fucking end it like THAT? To be continued? No ending at all. And very little midget. Jason is upset. "R. Kelly just pissed on us!" he screams, as if we don't know. "That fucking sucked." I don't know about all that, but...that was some bullshit tho.

To sum it up, this isn't the groundbreaking work that the first "Trapped in the Closet" was. R. now appears to feel that he's a playwright or some shit. Not to mention an actor.

Also, there's no commentary on this disc, and trust me, the commentary on the first one was golden, as in shower, as it was basically R. sitting there on the screen, occasionally saying "watch this" or just looking back at the audience when an "aww damn" moment happened.

If you've never been trapped in the closet, find the first one, you are guaranteed to enjoy it. This next one...I dunno. As Jason said, it feels kind of like the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, you know, if that felt to you like the middle of a fucking story with no closure that doesn't really hold up on its own, like it did to us.

I think Jason's going to...yes...he's pissing on the DVD.

Oh, shit.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'll never watch it cuz it could never be as entertaining as you all, esp. Jenni...but I like the Jason part of peeing on the DVD.