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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Million Dollar Maybe

The publicity-seeking porn producers at Vivid Entertainment have rather generously offered one-woman baby mill Nadya Suleman up to one million dollars to appear in one of their movies, and stuff like health insurance (and, one assumes, regular AIDS testing) if she will agree to join their stable of "contract girls."

Because we want to help, too, but don't have a million bones to throw at octomom (tho Jason and Steve have at least two) we decided to put together eight potential names for her movie(s), and eight things she'll probably have to do to get the full payout of up to a million bucks. We're pretty sure she's not getting the whole million for having a single quickie with the pizza delivery boy while her babies cry in the background.

Million-Dollar Movie Names
  1. Cocktomom
  2. 8 Milf
  3. Oh Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby
  4. Nadya Gets Screwed Eight Ways to Sunday
  5. Milf Eight Times
  6. IVF: In-Vag-o Fuckilization
  7. Eight More Inside Nadya
  8. Eight Isn't Enough...In My Ass

Million-Dollar Porn Stunts
  1. Octuple penetration
  2. Breast-feeding a dude dressed up like a big baby
  3. Pulling at least an eight-man train
  4. Pleasuring someone with her stretch marks
  5. Appearing to do it with an actual octopus, for some live-action hentai fun
  6. Not swallowing or spitting after eight guys, then snowballing with the last one, at which point it's actually a snowman
  7. Lesbian encounter (every porn has one, it's sort of the law at this point)
  8. Letting them fill eight holes at once, and if she don't got eight holes, she better get eight holes
*This was a three-way Hands in the Air joint. Jason had the idea, Steve and I had separately been making jokes about it earlier in the day, and I wrote this up, taking everyone's suggestions. However, the truly filthy stuff was probably me. I made Steve want to throw up, that's how I know I did a good job.

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