Podcast Episode #008: Downtown Babyhole

The world needs a Christmas miracle. Britney and K-Fed are splitsville. Pammy Anderson and Kid Rock are kaput. Hilary Duff and that one dude who I think works at Hot Topic have broken up. But just when you think there's no more love in the world, Hands in the Air delivers you a long overdue podcast! And at 58-plus minutes, it's our longest podcast ever! Thank you, baby Jesus!*

Highlights of Episode #008: Downtown Babyhole:

• Chris reveals personal news that's a little too personal

• Jenni's sisters Deitri and Megan, mother Marti and nephew Quinn sit in to chat from Cleveland

• Jenni then promptly sullies her family name by coining the podcast title that's so vulgar that even Michael Richards wouldn't say it at The Laugh Factory

• Steve somehow manages to relate everything to prison politics; five people are shanked during the recording

• Jason performs two new songs: One song samples Chris ad nauseum and the other butchers a Christmas classic

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* Celebrity endorsement not implied.

King Me!

It’s good to be The King. Not just any king mind you, I am referring to the one and only monarch who still has relevancy in these modern, democratic times. I’m talking, of course, about the Burger King and, while you surely know him for his delicious flame-broiled burgers and the answer to my prayers, Chicken Fries, you should also know that he has taken the first bold steps into a new frontier. Right now, with any combo meal purchase at Burger King, you can secure for the low, low price of an additional $3.99, one of three hot, new XBOX and XBOX 360 games featuring The King himself in all of his plastic-faced, creepy glory.

Have it your way. Fast food and video games:
Burger King gives you two ways to get a fat ass!

Two of the three games seem pretty dull. Big Bumpin’ seems to be nothing more than a bumper car simulator which basically fits the definition of a game nobody asked for. There’s just no way to virtually simulate the thrill of slamming maniacally into a retarded kid over and over again and the look of helplessness mingled with terror and rage on his red, puffy, Down Syndrome face as he cries and runs screaming from the midway. Yeah, like I’m the only one who does that. The other game is Pocketbike Racer which, despite having a name rife with masturbatory overtones, is little more than a racing game featuring The King on a miniature motorbike.

The real Special Sauce on this sandwich is the game Sneak King. In this stealthy adventure, The King must use his wits and guile to quietly stalk hungry citizens and then pop out and surprise them with his juicy Whopper. Imagine getting into your car on your way to some appointment or Ye Olde Porn Shoppe (still not just me), with a growling stomach, only to find that permanently frozen, regal face staring coldly at you from the rear view mirror, a piping hot burger in hand. Sure, at first you’d be freaked out, but then you’d realize what was going on and be delighted for the snack. If only The King were permitted to perform this service to society for reals. Stupid breaking and entering laws.

Hopefully this whole thing is a tremendous success and Burger King has the opportunity to expand to other platforms. For example, the Nintendo Wii and its new control scheme would open up a whole new realm of possibilities. They could make Royal Burger Chef for instance, in which the player must use the Wii Remote’s motion sensing technology to flip burgers, mop the restaurant and perform other typical fast food employee chores under the watchful, judgmental gaze of The King. That fits right in line with Nintendo’s recent string of “Touch Generation” games like Brain Age which endeavors to make math fun. And Royal Burger Chef would be vocational training that’s desperately needed by today’s youth. Let’s face it, not all of them are going to grow up to be superstar internet sensations like us here at Hands in the Air.

Photo flame-broiled by Jason

Happy Thanksgiving

After this guy serves us dinner,
let's steal his land and rename his precious maize "corn."

Jason Goes to American Music Awards, Redefines "Fergalicious"

The American Music Awards ceremony was held this past Tuesday, and I was somehow able to attend the show and after-party. Through my fancy-pants job, I got to hang out in the green room for the entire show, so I rubbed elbows with almost all of the American Music Award presenters and performers before they hit the stage. Here's the scoop on the backstage dirt...

• Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie did a lot of talking together, as did Christian Slater and William Shatner. Not a lot of crossover between those two worlds, though, I guess.
  

• Miley Cyrus was all "long-time-no-see" with Mario Lopez. I think they both attended Bayside High or something.
  

• Even though he was introducing them, Tony Hawk said he'd never heard The Pussycat Dolls' music. Some of us should be so lucky.
  

• Tender Paris Hilton moment: When Paris entered the green room and was greeted with "Hey, Silly!" by Nicole Richie. They really are friends!

• Creepy Paris Hilton moment: Paris inviting all the celebrity backstagers to "another house party" of hers, resulting in her actually extending the invitation to Taylor Hicks.

• Bizarre Paris Hilton moment: Paris phoning someone to pick her up and having to repeat "This is Paris" five times.

• Fallout Boy was asked to perform their hit song but didn't want to do old material so they threw together a new song for the show. It was only two weeks old and sounded like it.
  

• The blond kid from the cast of High School Musical was the only celebrity who threw away his plastic plates and water bottles rather than waiting for the caterers to do it. He actually bussed the table for the rest of his castmates, too. It's good to know some actors are bracing themselves for waitstaff careers.

For the official after-party at the Shrine, it seemed like almost all of the celebrities ditched it for bigger and better shindigs. Word on the street was that Jay-Z was having his own party. Maybe for his re-un-retirement.

The Shrine ballroom apparently wasn't decorated as opulently as it had been for past events like the Emmys. It resembled a school gym having some sort of "Jazz Night." I spotted only a handful of stars at the party:

• Aly & AJ, who were making a pretty early exit

• "Weird Al" Yankovic, who was busy in the buffet line

• The cast of High School Musical, who I'm pretty sure are all too young to attend any of the better parties anyways

• Joe Francis, or as one woman boldly declared within earshot of the two ladies he had in tow, "There's that jerk from Girls Gone Wild."

I actually saw a middle-aged woman excitedly getting her photo taken with Joe Francis. That just seemed wrong to me. Damn. Now that I think of it, I totally should've lifted up my shirt for them. Maybe next year.

Read All about Us

People love to seek validation. You could be validated by being honored by your peers. Or maybe you're welcomed into an elite inner circle. Or maybe you just get a salad dressing named after you (like Paul Newman, Julius Caesar or Randy van Honey Mustard). Me? I'd prefer to be validated by having my name turned into a verb.

For bloggers, validation comes when another site writes about your blog. That's just happened to us, and surprisingly, that other site isn't even called "The FBI Watch List." Minimate Headquarters is a great toy site dedicated to the li'l figures who appear in most of our photos, and MMHQ has posted an interview with us. Check out their article on us and visit their site often. That's what I've been doing. At least when I'm not "Jasoning" my brains out.

Someone put us on their site! Take that, Blog of Note!

Read all about us at Minimate Headquarters!

You Can Quote Us

It's been a while since we podcasted. In addition to having a few pretty dumpy sessions that just didn't go anywhere or didn't go anywhere much good, we're now having technical difficulties.

To fill the gap I know has opened wide in all of your lives, I'm collecting and recording for posterity some of the quotable quotes we've uttered recently. Just pretend you hear us saying them, and it's like we're podcasting! Sort of! Not really! But still!

After eating a cookie boat dessert:
"I ate the whole poop deck".
"I've been trying to get you to eat my poop deck for years."
"Well, maybe you should swab it once in a while."


Context-less quotes:

"The burlesque nut is dry."

"When she comes it's like someone's clubbing a baby seal."

"Blew out your man-dle."

"Spread my butt cheeks like a bear opening a honeycomb to get at the sweet nectar within."


I guess we're pretty dirty. Or the only things I remember are the dirty ones.

I'll add more when I remember them or when they spring fresh from our delightfully witty lips.

For a fun game, try to guess who said what.

Sketchy Comedy

We did this whole thing where we reviewed a lot of the new fall season but then I don't know, the magic was gone and I didn't post it. Maybe I still will. Anyhoo, one of the things we talked about was Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I think it sucks. Like, a lot. I'm proud of America for not watching it. We watch it, tho, 'cause Steve likes Aaron Sorkin. Me, I'm probably gonna kick Mr. Sorkin in the balls if I ever see him. I was thinking about how not funny the sketches are, and came up with this list of things that are funnier.

Cancer

When people's dogs attack them and f' up their faces

Projectile vomiting

Gallaghers 1 and 2

Getting hit on the balls

Butt cancer

The continued use of "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you" by, you know, anyone

The "serious" and "smart" parts of Studio 60

Puppy butt cancer

When Billy age 8 takes a circuitous route in the Sunday Family Circus

Limbless babies

The ointment you have to rub on your puppy's butt cancer

When people make the hand gesture like they're strokin' the ol' man meat to express their displeasure with something

9/11 Jokes

The death of a beloved family pet from butt cancer