Why does Rachael Ray bother me so much?

Okay look I don't hate her hate her. I don't. And my grandmother loooooves her and would be scandalized to hear that I really can't stand the apple-cheeked foodie. But man, Rachael Ray just makes my blood boil. I totally know why, except that the intensity of my dislike isn't merited by the stuff that bothers me.

It's the cutesy little things she says--"e.v.o.o." instead of "extra virgin olive oil," and her little quippy quips that people eat up, they're just so annoying. Like today on Oprah she was talking about street food in New York and she was at this Indian food cart and the camera panned to a I guess Indian dude eating and she was all "see a real Indian likes it so it must be good" and the crowd busted up at that clever observation like she was a freakin' comedian. Meanwhile I'm on the couch making a face like I just sucked on a lemon. Prolly the way people slurp up her cutey cuteness like the most delicious ice cream cone ever doesn't help.

But, that's almost it. Oh, and her crooked smile grates. And...well...yeah, that's pretty much all of it, 'cept for also, she's perky. Perky people are annoying to my kind. Someone told me once I should be perky, 'cause people like perky. That someone's beloved pet vanished mysteriously, only to reappear in a stew served to that someone a few days later. Then that someone died of food poisoning.

Not really.

But I fucking hate perky people. Even the ones who can cook. Sorry Rachael, I know you're probably a sweet gal in real life, but I want to run you through a meat grinder when I see you on TV. I have a sneaking suspicion you might feel the same way if I was the one on TV, annoying you. You're probably my Lex Luthor. "RR," "LL," same diff. And e.v.o.o. can be my Kryptonite. I prefer regular ol' olive oil, anyway--it's more versatile 'cause it doesn't have as strong a flavor. We're not all rich TV/magazine personalities, you know.