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Showing posts with label Chat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chat. Show all posts

Saturday, June 26, 2010

From the Archives - The Firing of Our Fourth Blogger, McChristal

We're coming up on the 5th anniversary of our blog, so it's time to revisit our past.

One of the most common questions we get asked besides, "Are you a cop?" is "What happened to that fourth blogger and podcast host who used to be on your site?" The answer stems from an infamous Rolling Stone article.

Back in 2006, we did an interview and Chris, our Fourthblogger (© 2010 Taco Bell), made some inflammatory remarks that resulted in insubordination and his unceremonious firing (we had a "You're Shitcanned Ceremony!")

Basically, "McChristal" said some crazy-ass shit about Malcolm Jamal-Warner. We know! What a fucking monster! Theo friggin' Huxtable, or, that dude from Malcolm & Eddie who wasn't Eddie!

Anyway, the article is no longer available at the Rolling Stone site (or, Minimates Headquarters, for that matter), so we're reposting the complete article (along with some never-before-seen photos from behind the scenes):


 
November 2006

Minimates Headquarters: Let's start with the obvious question (and I'll pretend that I'm a journalist as we progress). Why are you called HANDS IN THE AIR? Is this a "look over here and listen to us" or are you throwing your hands up in desperation?

Steve: Yeah, the name is really about versatility. It’s about demanding attention because we’re attention whores. It’s about frustration. It’s about being the cool kids in the back of the class pointing out that a lot of what’s going on is absurd and funny or just plain stupid.

Chris: The idea for the name came from Jenni earlier this year (I saved the e-mail). All of our earlier ideas stunk and Jenni is a genius.

Jenni: It can mean a lot of things. Celebration, exasperation, surrender. When you have a question…or know the answer. That’s pretty deep. Damn, I’m pretty deep. For once, I agree wholeheartedly with Chris.

Jason: The name fit because we rant and rave about anything in pop culture, and that can elicit any number of hand-raising or finger-raising gestures. Plus, the hands-in-the-air pose is the easiest pose to put Minimates and other toys in.

Steve: It’s about a lot of things. I’m just hoping it’s never about what the feds say to us one day when they shut us down for excessive penis jokes. I’m looking at you, Jenni.


How did the decision to start this group come about? Was it a conscious decision to be both bloggers and podcasters?

Chris: Jenni and I kicked around the idea of having an Internet Radio show back around 2000 when we lived closer. The idea never died and RSS made it possible.

Jason: Chris wanted be a podcast celebrity, but no one wants to listen to him talking to himself.

Jenni: We wanted the blog because we think we’re funny.

Jason: And the podcast needed a home, so we created the blog which is the perfect outlet for Jenni, Steve and I since we’re all in the television industry with professional writing backgrounds. And Chris has an MBA so he always has a lot of opinions about stuff, but I don’t think he’s ever been published. A letter to Penthouse Forum doesn’t count, right?

Jenni: If it doesn’t, then I guess only Jason and Steve are published writers.

Steve: We came together pretty naturally. We’re all pretty creative people and we were kind of dying for an outlet but at the same time far, far too lazy to do anything that required real effort.


What was your initial vision for the site and how has that evolved over the 7 months that you have been up and running?

Jason: We knew we wanted an outlet to write funny commentary on pop culture, but photographing Minimates and other toys to illustrate the articles just sort of happened. Jenni, Steve and I are big toy collectors, and Jenni and I have always liked photographing them.

Steve: The initial vision of the site I think was actually a little more modest than what it’s become. I really only had in mind a very basic blog and it’s become a lot more than that. I think the biggest example of that is images, which I think we never actually stated should be all toy-based, but just ended up being that way and we’ve kind of run with it.

Jason: When the site first went up, Jenni kept asking the rest of us to hurry up and post something, so I threw together some Minimates, a Kubrick Babekub and a Mez-itz to represent us. So, we found our hook by the second blog posting, even though Jenni and I knew we always wanted an outlet for posting our toy photography. It probably should’ve come to us sooner, but it takes a while for things to sink into our plastic Minimate heads.

Steve: I don’t know too many smaller blog sites that take as much care or thought when it comes to imagery and making sure to include images with every post so that people have something to look at. It’s turned out much better and much more visually interesting than that, which is definitely a good thing and all of the credit for that goes to Jenni and Jason.


How does the multicultural (and bi-coastal) make-up of your group affect the way that you approach your articles and podcasts?

Jason: West coast writes and talks about funny stuff. The east coast (Chris) writes about Apple products and how great NYC is. That’s the running joke. Just search for “Apple” on our blog and you’ll bring up every single article that Chris has ever written. And he always somehow manages to make New York seem like the center of the world.

Chris: It’s funny that Jason said that about my limited blogging – it’s true but I never realized before now. I guess that I am not much of a writer but I love to talk so while the blog articles are primarily the strength of Jason, Jenni and Steve – I’m more of an uncensored talker which becomes a running joke on the podcast.

Steve: I’m not sure the multi-culti thing influences what we write about in any conscious way, but I think it does give each of us our own voice and viewpoint and I think that comes across both in the podcast and in blog posts.

Jason: The multicultural angle is nice because it makes us look like a Minimates Benetton ad.

Jenni: Yeah, we prove that geekiness knows no race or gender. And um, that really cool people can be into dorky-ass shit.

Steve: We’re approaching things from different angles and that is always is a good thing whether we’re talking about something serious, which is rare, or something completely frivolous, which is pretty much constant. I think it definitely sets our group apart from other blogs and podcasts.


Why have you chosen to represent yourselves as toys on your site? The most recent incarnation has three of you as Minimates and Chris as a PALZ figure. Does this stem from a desire to retain some form of anonymity or is this a hook to set your site apart, along the lines of the Gorillaz being represented as animated characters to the public?

Jenni: We’re so hot we thought that people wouldn’t pay attention to our words if they were distracted by our looks. And Chris believes that cameras steal your soul.

Jason: The alter ego and anonymity bit is a factor, though. But it’s just more fun to pose toys and photograph them. We have so many toys that we always joke that if someone broke into our place, they’d wonder why a bunch of 10-year-olds are living by themselves.

Jenni: That witness protection money pays for a lot of toys.


And is Chris, as a New Yorker, represented by a PALZ figure because he would hate to be confused with someone from LA or is this simply due to the fact that there weren't enough black minimates to choose from?

Jason: Well, Chris doesn’t look like Storm, Blade, Luke Cage or Bishop. But he does he look like the Family Matters cop from Die Hard, but in a business suit. And it is true that Chris doesn’t want to be associated with L.A.

Chris: Actually, most people say that I look like a combination of Malcolm-Jamal Warner and Turbo from Breakin II: Electric Boogaloo. They don’t have an action figure for that.

Steve: Yeah, I think it was just that the Minimate selection was a little low. Power Man’s not wearing a business suit, War Machine’s armor is running on Windows XP, not OS X, (I hear he’s getting a Vista upgrade early) and Bishop never got his MBA on account of him being hunted by Sentinels in a twisted version of the future of the Marvel Universe.

Jenni: Wait a minit, “most people” say you look like Malcolm-Jamal Warner combined with Turbo? Most people come up with that exact combination? Really?


Why do you think people are seeking alternative sources of information, like blogs instead of mainstream media? Is this due to programs like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report which expose what not only appears to be blatant misrepresentation by the media but information bordering on propaganda?

Jason: I think that’s a big part of it, but I also believe people are lazy and blogs are a convenient way for them to find real opinions on issues while they’re slacking off at work. And yes, I’m typing this at the office.

Steve: Well, I’m not sure anyone goes to blogs looking for too much genuine information--Lord knows we never give out any.

Jenni: I’m a blatant misrepresentationalist and an unapologetic propagandist. Am I working in the wrong medium here or what?

Steve: I don’t think people are looking for news on blogs because they’re not looking for news anywhere. Is that due to the mass media proving its inability to maintain high standards of investigative journalism in a post-9/11 America? I’d say “yes,” but that’s just my opinion. It’s much easier to take 10 minutes here and there at work and look at only the news/opinions that interest you. Unfortunately, when all you read is the stuff you want to see, that causes its own set of problems (hello, Fox News).


Is this desire for truth, this desire for "radio verite" as Chris put it in your first podcast, even attainable? Are we recognizing that there is no "objective truth" but only "observed truth"?

Jason: It is attainable… at the iTunes Music Store. But don’t search for the first episode. Really. The other ones are much better. How’s that for objectivity?

Chris: Wow! You actually listened to our first podcast? I tell most people to start at show #2. Show #1 is the only one that I actually edited which is why everyone thinks that it sucks. As far as the objective/observed thing – I am an engineer not a philosopher and we try to tell the truth as we see it.

Steve: Real, genuine truth does, in fact, exist, whether any of us realizes it or not. I think on a very general level, people want it and know when they’re not getting it. But we’re not really about that, honestly. We just like making fun of things and hearing ourselves talk, so to speak. If anything we say sends someone on a quest for genuine truth, I wish them the best but we’re probably not the best place to go for that kind of inspiration. I mean, we spent half an hour talking about “does the Hulk’s penis get bigger in proportion to the rest of his body,” for Christ’s sake. We voted, and the answer is a resounding “yes,” by the way.

Jenni: Finding the real, genuine truth is easy. I’m always right, therefore, my version of anything is the unassailable truth. Particularly when it comes to proportional penis size.


Is this proliferation of blogs which now comprise the Blogosphere a new revolution or are bloggers handing out pamphlets on the street corners of cyberspace? Have blogs become the soapbox of our generation?

Jenni: There’s actually a print version that we hand out on street corners. And once a month we stand on the corner of Sunset and Fairfax and do a live reading of the new articles from the blog. Steve crocheted us these beautiful robes, which Jason hand-painted with all-natural dyes. It’s quite a happening. What was the question again?

Chris: If you read the book The Long Tail you know that the proliferation of voices on the blogs and podcasts which cater to the unique and specific tastes of a few in aggregate have the power to exceed the popularity of the “dominant” media. Put another way, they are our generation’s soapbox and they are a revolution.

Jenni: Hence the popularity of Snakes on a Plane. Oh, wait.


And in this torrent of voices can anyone really be heard? If people are talking and no one is listening isn't the whole idea of the blog as a communication tool a red herring?

Jason: Is this some sort of zen “tree falling in a forest” question? It’s definitely TOO easy for everyone to have a voice through the internet. I really don’t need to read some Wiccan poet’s diary or see home movies about someone’s cat on YouTube.

Jenni: If you say “penis” enough, people will listen.

Steve: What?

Chris: To my earlier point, if the content is good and it has a particular niche then there is an audience that will listen. Our blog readers are increasing every day and people who aren’t related to us are listening to our podcast (we never thought that would happen).


Is it any easier to glean information from the Blogosphere where checks and balances aren't present or are bloggers by nature more concerned with truth than the mainstream media? Who's policing the police, so to speak?

Jenni: I dress as a sexy cop for Halloween every year, so I guess I’m the blog “po po.” This year, I’m going to be a sexy ZOMBIE cop. Sorry, a sexy ZOMBIE blog cop.

Chris: It is actually harder to get an “officially vetted” perspective in the Blogosphere but because you know that it is opinion then you can triangulate to get to the truth.

Jason: Bloggers have their own agendas, too, so people should still be seeking news from multiple sources to get the balanced picture. I’d hate to think someone gets the wrong idea about a news story just because we photographed the Minimate version of the person in a compromising position.

Steve: The blogosphere is more like trying to find out who’s sleeping with whom in the locker room in Junior High. It’s all rumor and speculation and way less people are getting any than are rumored to be. At least that’s what I always told myself in Junior High.

Jenni: Do you know how risky it is to sleep with someone in the locker room in junior high? Little known fact: you can get athlete’s foot ANYWHERE on your body. Let’s just say I “did” a lot of “time” in “detention” for my junior high locker room romps. And that’s why I lost my teaching certificate.


What do you see as the root of the West's obsession with celebrity? Is it based on an out-of-control American Dream where success is measured by how many zeros are in your pay-cheque or is this deifying due to the fact that we the Western culture have lost our myths? Is Hollywood literally the new land "far, far away"? And do bloggers, by commenting on this obsessiononly fuel the fire?

Jason: I hope we’re fueling the fire. I definitely think that us using a toy as a stand-in for a celebrity is a way of idolizing the person, and people in general seem to need those bigger-than-life personalities. Even though, technically, we’re making those personalities about an inch-and-a-half tall, which really isn’t that big unless you’re an Olsen twin.

Jenni: I don’t think it’s just the West. In Japan, they sell a Hello Kitty doll made to look like Paris Hilton.

Steve: I think the easy answer is that most of us lead dull lives full of pleasures that are simple at best. Celebrities get to do all of the fun things. They’re also a fun diversion from actual issues which are both boring and sometimes frightening, so when you don’t want to worry about the world going to hell in a handbasket, you can focus on calling Lindsay Lohan a junkie slut.

Jenni: Who else is proud of me for not making a “pussy” joke just now?


Where does Hands in the Air fit in all of this? What does your group bring to the 'sphere and what do you hope to achieve?

Steve: I think what we bring is another unique set of ideas and viewpoints and commentary. It’s just us, as unfiltered as we can be.

Chris: We hopefully are bringing lots of laughs as well as changing lives. Like on the blog for instance, I learn a lot about new music and new video games I might like.

Jenni: My mother thinks it’s only a matter of time before Jon Stewart or someone stumbles upon our blog/podcast and hires us to write for a hit TV show. Sadly, our hopes for future achievement, when we’re being honest, aren’t that far off from my mother’s prediction. Until then, if we can start just one awesome rumor or coin but a single stupid catchphrase, I think we’ll feel fulfilled.

Jason: Sadly, that hit TV show will be Two and a Half Men. And one of us is going to have to be that “Half Man.”


Did Matthew McConaughey take you guys up on the offer and end up playing Donkey Kong at your place while naked and stoned?

Jason: Yes, and he brought over his new biking buddy Lance Armstrong and we had a ball. We would’ve had more balls, but you know.

Jenni: Jason’s hands were definitely not in the air that day. And here I thought he was full o’crap about being able to juggle any kind of balls.

Jason: And it came out that Jenni is the “Half Man.”

Steve: I would like to take this opportunity to point out that after I called out the studio for how derivative the Failure to Launch poster was on our blog, the poster was quickly changed in future print ads to a different image. Coincidence? I think not.


 
Final words: What should everyone know about Jason, Jenni, Chris, Steve, and Hands in the Air?

Chris: That we appreciate all of the Minimate HQ fans who have checked out our blog and podcast. We really enjoy the idea that total strangers are amused by what we do.

Jason: That’s weird. Most total strangers aren’t amused by what I do to them. At least that’s what the spritzing of mace in my face would lead me to believe. Anyway, I hope all the toy fans enjoy our Minimate photography, and along the way I hope they end up enjoying our blog articles and podcast songs and conversations, too.

Steve: I’m nowhere near as deep as this interview makes me look, so bear that in mind if you visit the site or listen to the podcast. There’s really not that much going on up there, I promise.

Jenni: We are grateful to anyone who reads or listens to us. And maybe it’s not showing, but we are kinda funny, sometimes.


Thanks again for speaking with us!

Jenni: Oh no, thank you!

Jason: Thanks for supporting us and giving us the exposure! 

The Hands in the Air gang circa 2006 (from left to right):
Steve, Jenni, the now-departed McChristal and Jason (on floor).


Sunday, October 19, 2008

Jenni Does an About Facebook


Jason and I resisted Facebook for a long time. But then, well, we gave in. It's actually pretty nice--I've gotten back in touch with a couple of people that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. But mostly, it's stirring up all kinds of angst on my side, when I see that people have friended someone but not me or whatever.

Almost everyone I know has hundreds of friends, which is just weird. I'm only friending people I either truly like a lot, or I think can help me with something someday. Ahem. Mostly people I like, tho! ;) I'm not sure I even know of hundreds of people. Or want to.

Here's some recent drama, with all the truly horrible shit I said that also could help identify the people I said it about excised (hey, they're my friends!):

[09:02] Jenni: okay now i'm pissed
[09:02] Jenni: i see in my news feed that booboo and snuggles* are now friends
[09:02] Jenni: but that mofo won't friend me?!?!?
[09:02] Jenni: oh that's it
[09:02] Jenni: i'ma slap a bitch
[09:16] Jason: me neither. whatta dick
[09:16] Jenni: i know, right? what the hell?
[09:16] Jenni: who the fuck does he think he is?
[09:23] Jenni: ooooohhhhhh
[09:23] Jenni: i'm angry
[09:26] Jenni: he's a dead man
[09:26] Jenni: DEAD I TELL YOU

and then later...

[12:21] Jason: invitation from snooperbear*
[12:21] Jason: you get one?
[12:21] Jenni: dunno lemme check
[12:21] Jenni: how sad if that's my first invite
[12:53] Jenni: NO SNOOPERBEAR
[12:54] Jenni: he's dead to me
[12:54] Jenni: dead
[12:54] Jenni: who does he think he is, etc.
[12:54] Jenni: i can't work up rage twice in one day

This is sure to change soon, so I might as well brag about it: I have like one more friend** than Jason. Yay me! There's no popularity like virtual popularity!

The end.


*Not their real names
**As I publish this (two weeks after I started the post), Jason now has one more friend than I do. Which is the opposite of real life. Enjoy your virtual popularity, JJ! (I will have disdain for it until I'm more virtually popular than he is, and then it will be cool again.)

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Grand Old Preggers

Teen pregnancy is totally in this year: Juno, Jamie Lynn Spears and now the daughter of John McCain's running mate. Sure, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, could've stayed 2008-trendy by simply throwing on a scarf and a pair of leggings, but getting knocked up by some hockey dude is a much, much better gimmick. And lord knows we love gimmicks, like giving your kids silly names like Bristol, Piper, Willow, Trig and Track.

Anyway, give me and Jenni a good gimmick and that equals a half hour of us wasting time at work chatting about it...

Jason (1:48:30 PM):
let's do a blog post about potential names for sarah palin's daughter's baby. since all her kids have dumb names
Jenni (1:50:22 PM): ok like where we chat about it
Jenni (1:50:24 PM): or a real post
Jason (1:50:29 PM): either
Jason (1:50:33 PM): which is funnier?
Jenni (1:51:07 PM): uhh
Jenni (1:51:08 PM): dunno
Jenni (1:51:15 PM): i know which is easier, tho, bro
Jason (1:51:39 PM): which is easier, packer?
Jason (1:51:52 PM): (see that's a potential name. hoo-larious in chat)
Jenni (1:52:06 PM): chat, duh
Jenni (1:52:13 PM): chat = not a bad name for a baby
Jason (1:53:42 PM): patch, crinkle, turnip and saxophone
Jenni (1:54:35 PM): I actually like Patch. Am I a redneck?
Jenni (1:54:38 PM): Tater?
Jenni (1:54:51 PM): Hoof
Jenni (1:55:02 PM): Trailer
Jason (1:55:08 PM): trailer is good
Jenni (1:55:10 PM): Antler
Jason (1:55:34 PM): motel, fryer, anvil
Jenni (1:56:05 PM): Sunty, pronounced "Sun tea" because she really likes tea
Jenni (1:56:19 PM): made in the Alaska sun
Jason (1:56:20 PM): ooh, you doing research now?
Jenni (1:56:27 PM): no i am just making up fun facts
Jason (1:56:30 PM): nice
Jason (1:56:31 PM): frontier
Jason (1:56:37 PM): cuz alaska is the last frontier
Jason (1:56:45 PM): except for space, which is the final frontier
Jason (1:56:48 PM): so maybe "space"
Jason (1:57:02 PM): Space Palin-Hockey Guy
Jenni (1:57:36 PM): Jewno or Jookno because Juneau and also, Juno
Jenni (1:57:55 PM): and i like alternate spellings of things that don't require alternate spellings
Jenni (1:58:02 PM): that seems very northern exposure
Jenni (1:58:10 PM): ...why was that show called northern exposure
Jenni (1:58:42 PM): Jooknow, maybe, because it's like, knowledge
Jenni (1:58:47 PM): for joo
Jenni (2:00:03 PM): ...I think I just won. I don't want to call it too early, but...
Jenni (2:00:48 PM): ...Ellipsis...
Jason (2:00:48 PM): well then, to paraphrase Maury, "you are the father"
Jenni (2:01:24 PM): Remember that 90-pound toddler saying that?
Jason (2:01:53 PM): he say that to his 9-lb pork chop breakfast?
Jenni (2:02:36 PM): Chop and/or Pork would be pretty as a middle name
Jason (2:03:08 PM): totally. so would "middle"
Jason (2:03:32 PM): no wonder she keeps having kids. so many words to choose from for names
Jenni (2:03:41 PM): no it was a little chubby girl and when she hit the stage in her tasteful bike shorts and sports bra, she took one look at Maury and said "You are not the father" and then she put her hands on the sides of her face in the classic "Home Alone" style
Jenni (2:03:49 PM): and Maury lost his shit, as did I
Jason (2:04:01 PM): oh, right! now i 'member
Jenni (2:04:27 PM): I think it's nice when people really go for an odd name
Jenni (2:05:03 PM): If I ever get to name a baby by myself, it's on
Jenni (2:05:28 PM): Shinola
Jenni (2:05:56 PM): is it a boy or a girl, do you know
Jenni (2:06:03 PM): because Shinola is more on the girl tip
Jason (2:06:03 PM): don't think they know
Jenni (2:06:28 PM): Lubridor
Jason (2:06:45 PM): i think they just found out about the baby yesterday, just like the republican party did
Jason (2:06:54 PM): til then she just thought bristol was getting tubby
Jenni (2:07:21 PM): I hope that's true
Jason (2:07:43 PM): sometimes a government probe is the best pregnancy test
Jenni (2:08:05 PM): I think the '80s were the best time for hiding a teen pregnancy because there were a lot of oversized clothes then and sweatshits were still ok for everyday wear
Jason (2:08:14 PM): also, a good government probe can get you preggers, if you know what i mean
Jenni (2:08:19 PM): oh i know
Jason (2:08:58 PM): yes, the '80s must've been a good time to get knocked up
Jenni (2:09:04 PM): dude totally
Jason (2:09:11 PM): the entire "facts of life" cast was giving birth left and right, but no one suspected a thing
Jason (2:09:14 PM): not even mrs. garrett
Jason (2:09:26 PM): christ, we have our post right here
Jenni (2:09:32 PM): Mrs. Garret knew, she was making them breed for profit
Jason (2:09:34 PM): cut & paste this fucker
Jason (2:10:12 PM): this is comedy gold
Jenni (2:10:16 PM): truly
Jason (2:10:23 PM): now i know how dane cook feels after he takes a shit
Jenni (2:10:26 PM): pants will be wet, you have my word
Jason (2:11:14 PM): "pants will be wet" is my favorite Paul Thomas Anderson movie
Jason (2:11:31 PM): "i drink your milkshake... from your pants"
Jenni (2:11:39 PM): Hands in the Air: The Leader in Pants Soaking Since 2006
Jason (2:12:01 PM): this is gonna be a long post, cuz we don't know how to turn off the comedy
Jenni (2:12:20 PM): And that is why my pants budget is so out of control
Jason (2:12:31 PM): now i know how carlos mencia feels when he wakes up
Jenni (2:13:04 PM): Carlos Mencia is a bedwetter?
Jason (2:13:38 PM): if his dreams were as funny as what he thinks up when he's awake
Jenni (2:14:10 PM): And...scene!
Jason (2:14:20 PM): his jokes are like refugees rafting thru his pee-puddled bed
Jason (2:14:24 PM): damn, missed the cutoff

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Keep It Under the Table

Lock up your outdoor furniture, because last week an Ohio man was arrested for having public sex with his patio table. According to witnesses (and video-taped evidence!), the furniture rapist was seen naked on his deck romancing his patio table's empty umbrella hole. I guess the man lost interest in his wife after realizing she wasn't as round and flat as he'd liked and that she couldn't double as a place for him to put his beer on.

"Hubba hubba. You're the best money I've ever spent at Z Gallerie."

Doesn't the term "table dance" usually involve a strip club and not the Lawn & Garden department of your local Home Depot? In any case, this whole story brings a lot of other questions to the table (but not in that "let me plug up that umbrella hole" sort of way):
  1. What exactly turns this guy on? Is it the IKEA Spring catalog or is it being "just the right diameter"?

  2. If the guy has a fancy candlelit dinner on the table, does that mean he then expects his table to put out?

  3. Was the table "asking for it" since it was just sitting there with its four shapely legs splayed wide open?

  4. Did it make the guy wildly jealous whenever the umbrella was actually in the table?

  5. Why didn't he bother to bring the table inside? Was he trying to impress the nearby picnic tables and park benches?
"Termites? What do you mean you have termites?!!?"

This story is way better than the pregnant man, Oprah -- just wait until the table gives birth to little lawn chairs. But if you don't snatch up this story, I hope that at the very least NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen starts trolling the chat rooms to set up a "To Catch a Table Rapist" sting.

Furniture4nic8r: so what are u wearing?
ReadyWillingAndTable: just a plaid tablecloth
Furniture4nic8r: thats hot. can ur legs fold up?
ReadyWillingAndTable: no im one of those stacking tables
Furniture4nic8r: oooh, i like seeing table-on-table action
ReadyWillingAndTable: hahaha. sounds ruff
Furniture4nic8r: u like that? i can play a real mean game of ping-pong on you
ReadyWillingAndTable: ouch. that might hurt
Furniture4nic8r: i'll be gentle. i'll use some Pledge furniture polish on you first. lemon scented
ReadyWillingAndTable: ur funny. u make me feel special like a crate & barrel dinette set

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Jenni vs. Predator Part Two: Entrapture

Me 'n' my soul had a vision. We were, like, so totally on a mission. I may be filthy dirty in the mouth and mind, but still, there are way worse perverts out there, and little kids who need my help, since obviously their parents don't give a shit.

I put on my perv-huntin' "no fat chicks" cap, fired up the ol' lappytop, and got to trolling for justice.

I'll be the first to admit
, the early attempts didn't go very well. I think it was my opening lines. Perhaps I was a touch overeager.

6yrsgoingon12in: Whew, I needs me some cock.
(virtual crickets)
6yrsgoingon12in: I sed I'm 6 years old and HORNEE!!!!11!1!!
((dickenjane has left the chat room))
((D.Flower has left the chat room))
((kilfhunter69 has left the chat room))
((yngaznluvrmiller has left the chat room))

[DO OVER]

blewnicorn95: my virginity is like a brick in my tiny, lacy underpants. heavy and scratchy. If only someone would...lay that brick.
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blewnicorn95: anyone?

[DO OVER]

Virjenni: Someone put me out of my misery--I've gone 10 years without sex! Ha! Because I'm only 10!! Get it? 10 years without sex? Come on, I know most of you are three, four times my age and can totally beat that!!! Let's hear it boys! Are you hornier than a fifth grader?
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Huh. My quarry was obviously a bit sharper than Chris Hansen had lead me to believe--the hard sell was not gonna work. Luckily, I used to be a profeshunal writer, so I knew from subtlety. But once I started being "real" I got sort of depressed about the whole thing. How can anyone really do this and not want to blow their brains out?

Katsnatchfvr: NE buddy want 2 be my friend?
Katsnatchfvr: talk 2 me!!!!
tungkiss: Hey, sweethart, how'r U?
Katsnatchfvr: OK but how do u kno i'm sweet?
tungkiss: I dont.....but i wood like 2 find out!
Katsnatchfvr: ^o^" how?!?
tungkiss: u no how
Katsnatchfvr: no -__- ?
tungkiss: i can taste u
tungkiss: down there
Katsnatchfvr: oh yeah? on my foots?
tungkiss: UR silly I mean ur girl parts!!
Katsnatchfvr: "girl parts?!?" those have a name, dickweed
tungkiss: huh?
Katsnatchfvr: uh...oh i bet that would tingle tangle me in my underpants place
tungkiss: oh yeah u will LOVE it
Katsnatchfvr: describe it to me!!
tungkiss: i will kiss you down there like on ur mouth but instead on your pussy
Katsnatchfvr: oh you think that will do something? pfft. no wonder you talk to preteens online.
tungkiss: uh oh God UR a cop
Katsnatchfvr: silly! i was just jokin...like that guy on TV whose name nobody ever remembers
tungkiss: thats not funny we could get in a lot of truble
Katsnatchfvr: we?
tungkiss: yeah and then we cant be in luv anymore honey
Katsnatchfvr: "Luv?" Um, yeah. You probably kind of mean that. This is just too sad. Are people really this lonely? Do all of you really have no one better to talk to? Fuck, that's some messed up shit right there. Ugh, I need to lie down.
tungkiss: and I can get on top of you and make you feel good with my hard cock in your tiny pussy
Katsnatchfvr: ...
tungkiss: baby what's wrong? u make me horny
Katsnatchfvr: you make me worry about the future. and the past.
tungkiss: don't worry ill use protection
Katsnatchfvr: that's not...wow.
tungkiss: you'll be saying wow a lot honey i promise
tungkiss: i really kno how 2 do it
Katsnatchfvr: that i seriously doubt, or you wouldn't need to be here chatting up kids

Yeah, so, in the end, I didn't manage to get anyone arrested. I mean, I went to their houses and hammered their balls flat, and fed them anything that leaked out. But I'm telling you, half of them liked it, so, mission totally not accomplished.

Oh, well, no matter. I had a vision the other day about people who steal music and movies from defenseless corporations. Surely that will be an easier vigilante mission for me...(wink)

Until then, here's a bonus one:

[DO OVER]

rubberpantz: nknhbhkbmesddrs asdfasfdfdsasaewajk (Hey pervs! that means, "Hi, I'm a little toddler, totally unable to express my deep and boundless desire for delicious grown man-cock, but rest assured, I am in the market. Are any of you, perhaps, a member of the clergy, or a teacher?")