Celebrities Under the Influence

While tabloid TV shows like Extra are preoccupied with reporting that Anna Nicole is still dead, the real juicy gossip from this past weekend involves celebs and the bottle.

First, David Hasselhoff was shown drunk, on the floor and struggling to eat a hamburger in a videotape more publicly shameful than his appearance in Nick Fury: Agent of Shield.

Talking to a car was the first that hint the 'Hoff had a problem.

The next big bit o' weekend wino gossip is that Ty Pennington, host of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and designer of Sears towels, got busted on suspicion of drunk driving.

What's really noteworthy about the story (besides the fact that Sears reportedly touts "designer" towels) is that the scandal is just begging to be made over with home improvement puns... Ty got hammered! He was drinking a screwdriver! The cops nailed him! He applied some stucco and a faux patina to age up rumpus room! OK, so they're not all winners, but you can at least be guaranteed that if he ends up serving time, his cell will have sweetest racecar bed and beachfront mural in the county. If only Paris Hilton were so handy.

Ty one on!

Spitting Images

Everyone's been told they resemble some celebrity, but most people probably wouldn't say that I could be mistaken for Eddie Murphy or Alyssa Milano. The Face Recognition demo at MyHeritage.com would claim otherwise, and the mug-matching program even suggests that I'm a dead ringer for Daisy Fuentes and Michael Caine, too. In reality, most people get me mixed up with the food delivery guy but that's another story.

A webwide sensation, the Face Recognition demo allows you to upload digital photos of yourself, and the program will scan its celebrity database to find the star you most closely resemble. The demo has people uploading photo after photo in the hopes it'll match their looks with Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, but instead it's a heartless ego-reamer, matching users' pics with the likes of such mirror-crackers as Frankie Muniz or the Snapple lady.

Once, the program actually thought a wrinkle in a shirt in one of my photos resembled Winona Ryder, so now I'm uploading photos of toast in the hopes of uncovering an image of the Virgin Mary so I can cash in on all those religious nuts and/or grilled cheese lovers. To abuse the Face Recognition program even further, I've uploaded photos of some various action figures and toys to see who their celebrity twins are. None of the celebrity toys matched their real-life counterparts, but at least that Malcolm in the Middle kid didn't come up either.

Lindsay Lohan = Elisha Cuthbert. The My Scene doll version of the 24-hour party queen resembles the 24 party pooper.

Jessica Alba as the Invisible Woman = Cate Blanchett. (Click each link to the see the actual Face Recognition results.)

The Rock = Lara Flynn Boyle. Fun fact: It takes 1,487 Lara Flynn Boyles lined up waist-to-waist to equal the circumference of the Rock's neck.

Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy the Vampire Slayer = Keira Knightley

David Boreanaz as Angel (in vampire/ass-face form) = Eddie Murphy

Wonder Woman = Joan Crawford, (wire hangers = bad)

Wonder Woman Baby = Madonna

Saturn Girl = Lucille Ball

Superwoman = Johnny Depp

David Hasselhoff = Natalie Imbruglia, (so by the transitive property of equality, Natalie Imbruglia = Super Awesome.)

Happy 54th Birthday, David Hasselhoff

We got him the gift of unsexy, because that seems to be the only thing he doesn't have.

Hassled by the 'Hoff

Former Knight Rider and Baywatch star David Hasselhoff sure could use one of those red buoys to bail himself out of the deep trouble he's recently sunken into. With domestic violence claims surrounding him, Hasselhoff's estranged wife Pamela Bach alleges that Dave "grabbed me and pushed me hard into a car."

According to the aforementioned car, however, Bach's claim is untrue. In an exclusive interview, the car has corroborated the Hoff's denial. "David would never hit anyone into my chassis, because he is nothing but... yeeee-haaaaaw," asserted K.I.T.T. while shifting into Turbo Boost. Three seconds and 200 miles per hour later, K.I.T.T. continued, "That's not how David is. You get to know a guy pretty well after he's sat in your bucket seat for a few years."

Artist's rendition of Hasselhoff not being violent

But K.I.T.T. may not be a reliable witness. After his quick rise to stardom in the '80s, K.I.T.T.'s career quickly stalled with the cancellation of Hasselhoff's series, Knight Rider. After several failed attempts to get back into TV (most recently spending all of Season 2 of VH1's The Surreal Life locked in the garage after Vanilla Ice lost the car keys in the swimming pool), K.I.T.T. resorted to selling himself on the streets, renting himself out for "joyrides." K.I.T.T.'s downward spiral eventually led to several questionable appearances on the cover of "Lowrider" and other magazines that feature hoochies squatting on car hoods.

Could K.I.T.T.'s claims be a desperate ploy for attention? Possibly. His statements were carefully timed for his TV comeback as the midseason love interest in Jake in Progress starring Full House's John Stamos, but, sadly, that show was canceled a little too soon.

"This is no publicity stunt," K.I.T.T. asserted as he engaged Stealth Mode. "Oh, crap," he added while dousing his windshield with super high-tech Windex. "I'm like totally late for my appearance at the county fair. Gotta pay the bills. Gas ain't cheap, y'know."