Holiday Shopping Guide Part Two - Websites 'n' Junk

Before I spill all my shopping secrets*, let me just say that I keep typing "holiday" as "HOliday" because I guess I put the "HO" in "holiday."

So. Websites. I actually do a ton of shopping on websites. Why? Well, my kid is damn near 4 years old and I still don't have a babysitter for him, and he is basically the worst person to shop with. He thinks it's cute to run away and hide, he wants to buy everything at every store and every time I try on a pair of jeans he says they make my butt look too flat. Also, he's soooo cute that strangers just think it's adorable when he acts a fool, which does not help. He could be setting displays on fire and the salespeople will be all "Oh, no problem, he's fine!"

If he's awake he also messes up my website shopping because he wants to be computer commando at all times but luckily he does sleep now and then.

Now obviously I get a lot of stuff from places like Amazon.com or Nordstrom.com or Macys.com but I trust y'all figured those out on your own.

T-Shirts

Because I still dress like a five-year-old boy much of the time, I have a metric shitton of t-shirts. I am particularly fond of t-shirts with comic book and cartoon characters. I feel like if there's a cute Wonder Woman, Batgirl or Supergirl t-shirt out there that I don't have, I could possibly die. These are the stores I get comic book and other pop culture shirts from.

Junk Food
80stees.com
SuperHero Stuff
Stylin Online
Topatoco
MyTeeSpot
TeeShirtsRock
Gama-Go
Ultimate T-Shirts

Special sub-section - kids and baby tees and other clothes

Shirts4Squirts
LaLa Ling
TheRetroBaby

Toys, Pop Culture Goods and Import Stuff (and also Sometimes Clothes)

I like buying gashapon and character plushes and the like as stocking stuffers. Who can't use a plush-dog-shaped-like-a-TV magnet? Also, vinyl toys, maquettes, action figures and import DVDs make great gifts. For me. And Jason. And my nephew, Quinn. And probably other people! Import toys come in all flavors, from the cute to the creepy. Surely there's a creepy person on your gift list!

Sanrio
Wizzywig
Power Anime
Action Figure Xpress
Ningyoushi
Play-Asia
Entertainment Earth
HobbyLink Japan
Toynk

Shoes

Shoes are rough. It's hard to buy them online and yet I do--but mostly at your Nordstrom.com or your Macys.com when they have crazy koo-koo sales. Sometimes I buy Steve limited-edition Star Wars Adidas, or Logan hard-to-find skater shoes online, tho. Everyone knows Zappos (right?). I dunno, this list is shorty short.

Citysole 
Shoebacca
Journeys
Endless

Jewelry, Bags, Accessories, Miscellaneous, Clothes and Fashiony Fashions

I like wearing goofy/cool/ridick necklaces, and I assume I am not the only one. Also, I like having sweet bags with cute animals on them. These stores are kind of a grab bag--at some you'll find mainly clothes, at others jewelry and makeup and cute plush, and at others expensive housewares and watches. Possibly the giftiest of all the sets of websites. Maybe I shoulda put them first?

ShanaLogic
Karmaloop
Fred Flare
Crowded Teeth
80sPurple
Sick For Cute
YankoDesign
Spicy Brown



*All my shopping secrets = what I can remember right now and what searching my Gmail for "order" and "invoice" helped me remember.

Holiday Shopping Guide Part One - LA Area Stores

Your faithful Hands in the Air staff--well, Jenni and Jason, anyway--love love love to shop. But also, we're good at buying stuff that is adorable. And on real people budgets! People are constantly complimenting our stuff, and asking where we got it. One woman at work even wants me to do her Christmas shopping. Which sounds kind of fun to me, actually.

But we can't do everyone's Christmas shopping. Not directly, anyway. So I decided we should just tell you a bunch of the places where we get stuff. We're not going to try to give you lists of expensive, extra-specific crap that we not-so-secretly want for ourselves (we're on to you, every other website and magazine), since that is usually not all that helpful, anyway. But we will tell you were cool and fun stuff is available, and let you browse for yourselves!

If you live in the LA Area then you can shop at these places. A lot of them do have websites you can shop at. In another post, I'll give you some of the websites I get stuff from!

Wacko/Soap Plant
4633 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles CA  90027
http://soapplant.com/

Such a good shopping spot, especially for gifts. They have tons of books and toys, bags, silly housewares and more. Plus, the La Luz De Jesus art gallery is right there, too, so you can get your culture on as you take shopping breaks.

Tokidoki

7965 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90046
http://www.tokidoki.it/shop/
(They also have stores in Santa Monica and Milan, if you'd rather.)

I am Tokidoki crazy. The good stuff can kind of sell out quickly both online and in-store, so you gotta move fast if you see something you like. Yeah, so, it's a nice all-Tokidoki experience at this shop.

Kidrobot
7972 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90046
http://www.kidrobot.com/

So, right, this place has lotsa designer toys, no duh. Some clothes and shoes. It's not cheap, but you're not going to go cheap for the holidays, are you? ARE YOU?

Japan LA
7320 1/2 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90046
http://www.japanla.com/browse.php?overlay=1003

Trendy Japanese cutie stuff and Japanesque stuff, too. Lots of sweet t-shirts, toys and accessories. Always worth a stop when down Melrose way.

Munky King
7308 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90046-7513
http://www.munkyking.com/

Designer toys are the focus, here--and don't let that scare you, they aren't ALL $200 vinyl art pieces--but they also have clothes and jewelry. But yeah I've only ever purchased small toys here.

Tarina Tarantino
7957 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90046
http://www.tarinatarantino.com/

Not every single store on this list is on Melrose. But, you know. A lot of them are. Oh, wow, Jenni, you mean people go to Melrose to shop? Get out of here. NO YOU GET OUT OF HERE. Where was I? Right. Tarina Tarantino. These are sparkly things for sparkly people. So cute.

Meltdown Comics
7522 West Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90046
http://www.meltcomics.com/webstore/

See? This one is on Sunset. Anyway. As you're well aware, we share the tastes and likes of dorky people even though we are not ourselves dorks. At this fine establishment, you'll find mostly comics, books and toys. I have purchased many a gift here. Yes, for myself. Also others.

Royal/T
8910 Washington Blvd
Culver City, CA 90232
http://www.royal-t.org/

This is a cosplay cafe, art space and a great shop. Every aspect is super fun. I'll admit, we like a lot of the Japanese-style stuff but that is because it is fashion-forward and artistic, with a sense of humor, like us! LIKE US.  Anyhoo, the shop always has adorbs stuff and eating there is good, too. Great art shows. They also have parties all the time. At night, when I'm asleep, yo.

Happy Six
2115 Sawtelle Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90025-6200

There are a few brands I like to buy from over and over and over. Junk Food, Mighty Fine, Tokidoki and of course my beloved Sanrio. This shop is jam-pickety-packed with all that plus other good stuff like Harajuku Lovers, Disney Couture, Sugar and I can't remember what else. Tons of clothes but also accessories, shoes and kids clothes. KIDS CLOTHES.

Giant Robot
2015 Sawtelle Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90025-6229
GR/2
2062 Sawtelle Blvd
Los Angeles CA 90025
http://secure.giantrobot.com/

At the Giant Robot stores you can get clothes, books, art, collectibles like blind box toys, vinyl art toys, DVDs, jewelry...just a lot of cool crap. A good place to buy presents for your hip and arty pals. Oh and their restaurant, GR/EATS, is also a delight. Sawtelle has a lot of other good places to shop. Try it sometime. A good time will be had.

Q Pop Shop
128 Astronaut E S Onizuka St
Los Angeles, CA 90012
http://qpopshop.com/main/

Little Tokyo has a lot of good shoppin'. But this is one of the best, just for the sheer variety of stuff and the fact that you won't really find what they carry anywhere else. At least not at the other places I shop. I love their t-shirts and accessories. They also carry toys and art and what not. Be sure to stop at the Kinokuniya book store and the millions of adorable gift shops in the area.

Vault 28 and D Street
1565 Disneyland Drive
Anaheim, 92802

You don't necessarily even need to like Disney stuff to shop at these stores. Vault 28 carries more girly stuff, Disney-related and not, plus really cute purses, jewelry, and great clothes. They've recently also started carrying more guy clothes. D Street has more dudely stuff, including lots of comic booky and Star Warsy tees and sweatshirts, but also carries lady stuff (that is also comic booky/Star Warsy).

I probably forgot a few of our favorite places to shop, but this gives you a pretty good idea of where to shop for me--um--I mean where to shop to get nice gifts you can't get at Target.

Comic-Con 2011 Exclusives - Our Faves

Comic-Con 2011 is two weeks away, so we're sending Jason on his annual trip to San Diego to report on the convention, panels, premieres, masquerade and after-parties. When he's done canoodling with girls dressed like the cast of Sucker Punch, he'll be stocking up on the exclusive toys, giveaways, art prints and comics to ensure that Hands in the Air headquarters looks like it was decorated by 12-year-old Star Wars nerds.

So what should convention geeks spend their money on besides deodorant, food not found in a 7-Eleven and etiquette lessons? Don't get your metal bikini bottoms in a bunch -- our picks for Comic-Con International 2011 exclusives are listed after the jump.

READ MORE»

WonderCon: The Geeks of San Francisco

This past April Fool's Day, I pulled off the ultimate prank of tricking people into thinking I was a nerd by attending my first-ever WonderCon during a weekend in San Francisco. WonderCon is sorta like a Comic-Con lite, but this year's convention went big with some appearances by stars like Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively (Green Lantern) and Oscar nominee Saoirse Ronan (Hanna).

Anyway, the joke was on the WonderConventioneers when they realized I pulled the April Fool's wool over their eyes and turned out to be a totally supercool dude merely pretending to be geek. Suckers! It was cosplay, whatever that means! You should've seen the looks on their Batfaces!!! It was like Issue 104 of the DC Comics classic Silver Age... I mean, wait, what?

Um, just check out my show coverage after the jump»

Christmas is the Best

It just is. Christmas is everything a holiday should be. Food and presents. Drinking. Parties and treats, even at work. Vacation. Bitchin'-ass TV specials. Special home decorations, inside and out. Its own cookies. Its own sweaters. Its own trees. When you got your own sweaters and trees, you done hit the big time.

People who say they don't like Christmas are usually lying. They like it fine, maybe even too much. They know deep down inside they don't deserve anything as awesome as Christmas.

Well, whatever, you say. I like Halloween. You would. Halloween is the ugly dude you had to talk to while your beautiful older sister made out with his smokin' hot cousin. Halloween is at least partly about dressing up as someone or something else. It's the holiday for people who don't like themselves very much. What's that, now? Chicks get all tarted up and drink themselves stupid on Halloween? Perhaps, but those of us with jobs and/or friends know that that shit also happens at places called nightclubs and bars, several times a week. What about free candy? Well, if you need your candy fun-sized and free, you're a child, and it's OK you're stupid.

Thanksgiving, though. What about Thanksgiving? Football, parades, turkey and pie? What are you even doing here? How can you read this? Are you using a speech-to-text app? I'll give you that the extra day off is amaze, but will quickly remind you that people use that day to prepare for Christmas, so basically Thanksgiving is the spring training of Christmas season, that shit is there to get your ass in shape for when it really counts.

I would be surprised if Easter was even anyone's third-favorite holiday. Even the very Catholic are like, yeah, holiest of all days, but as a holiday in the awesome sense, that shit is whack.These colored eggs, the molesto in the bunny suit--thank you, but no. Also, fuck a Peeps. Those things are reason enough to hate any season.

The other holidays...come on. Fourth of July? The cake that looks like a flag with all the fruit on it is pretty sweet but yeah, not enough. St. Patrick's Day? Cast the snakes out of my ass. Them other ones? Are there other ones?

What was I talking about? I dunno. I'm too full of the Christmas spirit to remember. The Christmas spirit = sparkling wine and macaroni and cheese.

Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus! God bless us, every one!

Comic-Con 2010 - Thursday: The Nerdical Limit

Thursday morning I arrived in San Diego to attend Comic-Con International 2010, and let me tell you, my warp drive is exhausted! Nerd humor! I'll be here all weekend. Try the veal! No, really, I'll be here all weekend. Dunno about the veal, though.

Anyway, Day 1 of my annual trip to the San Diego Convention center culminated in reaching the nerdical limit of geekdom -- previewing movie props and new toys including merch sneaks from Monster High, Marvel Super Hero Squad, Super 7, Scott Pilgrim, Mez-Itz and Minimates, scoring bags full of freebies and exclusives, and attending a highlarious panel with Rob Corddry, Rob Huebel, Ken Marino and the rest of the cast of Adult Swim's Childrens Hospital.

Read more (and see almost 100 pics!) after the jump.

Happy Birthday, Jerry Nelson

Today is the birthday of Muppeteer Jerry Nelson. He's the man behind Sesame Street's Herry Monster, Sherlock Hemlock, The Amazing Mumford and The Muppet Show's Floyd Pepper and Lew Zealand. It turns out this man is our jam -- Jerry is responsible for a lot of our favoritest Muppets, so to wish him a magical birthday a la peanut butter sandwiches, we'll do it in the style of one of his most popular characters, Count Von Count: Happy 1, 2, 3... 76th birthday, Jerry! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Comic-Com 2010 Exclusives

If you plan on leaving mom's basement to attend Comic-Con 2010 in San Diego from July 22 - 25, save your Mountain Dew and Doritos money and spend it on these convention exclusives that we're recommending.

More details after the jump.

My Boos

Y'all, I done lost my damn mind over these Monster High dolls.

Clawdeen Wolf, Draculaura, Frankie Stein, Deuce Gorgon, Cleo de Nile and Lagoona Blue

I've been obsessed with them since I first saw them online. Then the very next time I went to the toy store (full disclosure: we go to the toy store almost every week) Jason saw four of them and I bought them. On our next visit to the toy store I was able to get all the phase 1 dolls.

They're the cutest. Harajuku/gothic lolita fashions on some, Bratz-style silliness on others, and they're all adorable freakin' teenage monsters! It's like they made these dolls just for me.

So anyway, I took a few pictures. They're really fun to pose and stuff. I hope they come out with more fashions and accessories. I don't usually like to play dress-up with my dolls or whatevs but I dunno, I kind of want to with these. They should be able to have a lot of fun with the monsters in high school theme. Also, I hope they make a doll of the zombie character, Ghoulia. She's the smartest monster in school, after all. But I guess 'cause she's not the kid of a famous, name-brand monster, she didn't get a doll.

On the grown-up bizniz tip, this is Mattel's first original IP since Hot Wheels, and they're going all-in. They hired the Smallville guys to write a movie script, and are going after the Hairspray guys to write music for it (think about that, a high school monster musical--loves it), they are doing an animated thing for TV or DVD that appears to be different from the animation on their website and are also having a YA book series written, which itself seems to differ from the main Monster High doll/animated shorts storyline/universe they've already established.

I hope it does well because I really like it. Mattel has put a lot of thought and effort into the line. Each character has a personality and a backstory (Frankie Stein, my fave, is only 15 days old! Draculaura is a vegetarian for reals, not like them Twilight vamps! Lagoona Blue is a total zen-ass hippie!) and their outfits/accessories are super detailed, plus it looks like they each have a different head sculpt to match their specific type of monstrosity.

I'm so far out of their desired demo it's crazy, sort of like the Twilight Moms except I don't wanna bone any of the dolls. I'm guessing doll collectors will like these as much as I do. Hopefully kids will like them, too, so Mattel will expand the line. C'mon kids, help me out!

There are stuffed versions of Clawdeen Wolf, Frankie Stein and Draculaura, plus their pets. The Monster High kids all have pets, actually. I like the cobra, Hissette, the best. Tho the bat, Count Fabulous, has a cute name.

 

This is a terrible picture but laziness won out.

R.I.P. John Hughes

This memorial post for John Hughes is way overdue, but I've been too preoccupied watching his Curly Sue to photograph my tribute to him. OK, so I haven't learned how to make up clever excuses like Ferris Bueller, but John Hughes has at least taught anyone who's been a teen that they're not alone, and, if they are, maybe they might be able to create Kelly LeBrock.

Anyway, here's my tribute to two of my favorite John Hughes movies.

R.I.P.
John Hughes
Writer, director, creator of the Brat Pack
February 18, 1950 - August 6, 2009

Don't you forget about him.

Bale Privilege

Esteemed actor and Batman-about-town Christian Bale had a bit of a bad day on set while shooting Terminator: Salvation, and ripped into the Director of Photography or an Associate Director--well, someone named Bruce got tore the fuck up. Hopefully you've had the pleasure of listening to Mister Christian's rant, but if not, you really owe it to yourself to take a listen. And kudos to the creator of this clip for setting it to a pic of Bale's character from American Psycho.



The man knows his way around the word "fuck," and I likes me a man who knows his way around the word "fuck." For serious, I want Christian Bale to be my new best friend, which I said today to Jason, my actual best friend, as I listened to this.

Now from the small amount I know about show bidness, show bidness people, and the like, I have to deduce that this type of fuckstorm is all too common, they just don't usually let the sound guys capture it and it tends not to get out because of Hollywood magic and shit. Also, from all accounts, Christian Bale seems like maybe he has a touch of a temper.

With that in mind, here are some select things Christian Bale has probably screamed at members of the cast and crew from past productions he's been involved in. See if you can guess the flicks!

"Larry, you fucking twat. I specifically asked for half-and-half, not non-dairy creamer. Be a fucking professional for once in your life. Next time this happens, I'll shove a Batarang so far up your ass, you'll taste The Joker's greasepaint."

"Fuckass ball mittens, are you fucking kidding me with this fucknugget asshole-ass line reading, Winona? Have some respect for your fucking craft. You really are a very small woman, with an even smaller talent."

"I'm going to skullfuck the next fucking cockknocker who asks me what the fucking dragon's motivation is. Do I have to prepare for everyone? It's a fucking dragon, even I'm not that fucking method."

"Who the fuck do I have to blow around here to get a fucking newsboy cap that doesn't make me melon look like a bleeding ballsack?"

Whoa, That's a Fat Squirrel

Squirks is funny. Whut's he does? Dunno.

Vote for Christmas!

It's time to vote again! The Paley Center for Media in L.A. and New York will be hosting a screening of five TV holiday specials as voted on by the public. Even if you won't be able to make the L.A. or NY screenings, you should still vote because we all know how fun voting was this past election, what with the free Starbucks, Ben & Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. You won't get any of those freebies this time around, but we'd really like to see the "John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together" and the "Star Wars Holiday Special" because neither is officially available on DVD or VHS and they never air on ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas.

Not to say that Bea Arthur is the huskiest of The Golden Girls, but what are they insinuating by giving her top billing with "Wookiees" in this special?

Click here to vote! Cast your ballot for Denver/Skywalker in '08!

If you're in L.A. or NY, visit The Paley Center from December 10th through December 24th to watch the top five holiday specials.

Z End

On October 10, MillerCoors LLC stopped production on the original malternative* taste sensation. I'm speaking, of course, about Zima.

Zima entered the alcoholic beverage market at about the same time I entered the binge drinking market (Junior high! Catholic school, baby!!**), so I have some pretty fond memories of the stuff. It tasted like kind of f-ed up semi-malty 7Up, but less sweet, and since I didn't like beer very much and had a hard time pounding enough to get sozzled, Zima was sort of a lifesaver. You know, the kind of lifesaver that shortens your life and makes you a thousand times more likely to do something stupid--just ask my alcoholic whore of an ex-roommate and her alcoholic whore of a best buddy, who would, say, wake up shoeless on an unfamiliar stoop, plate of food in one hand, underpants in the other--tights strangely still in place.

It was the whores that introduced me to a Zima upgrade: adding a shot of Chambord to change the color to a pleasing raspberry, and improving the flavor quite a bit. Also, the Chambord bottle is cute. It has a crown on the top. That felt very regal. You could also flirt with the bartender, who would be held captive by your need to take a swig from the bottle before the shot was added. Besides, the second time you wake up on a stoop, you remember whose it is, and if you were tipping the bartender well all night, he or she probably stuffed a few bills into your tights for a cab home once you regained consciousness. Win-win-win. Win.

At some point, they introduced something called Zima Gold to the market. Let me tell you about Zima Gold. Zima Gold is most definitely the only drink they'll offer you in Hell. Zima Gold tastes a lot like if regular Zima peed off all its citrus tang, then got peed on by a Natty Light, then drank up all that pee, and then killed itself with a healthy dose of caramel color that also tastes like beer pee. I swear to God it's so bad, it tastes like it never gets cold. I'm probably shitting on pee by saying Zima Gold tastes like it. If it was possible to bottle the flavor of a damp-yet-sticky cigarette butt-strewn gas station bathroom in the form of an amber malternative beverage, then there would never have been a need in this world for Zima Gold. Zima Gold is so bad, I kept a bottle of it just to remind me that there really is evil in this world. This bottle of Zima Gold has moved with me at least seven times, and it's never taken any damage. Think about it. Damn. Anyway, Zima Gold did not last long in the market. It was, perhaps, an early sign that Zima might not be in it for the long haul.

I have a recipe written in my copy of Joy of Cooking for a refreshing Zima punch. This is it almost exactly, I just added clarity to the Wyler's part. There really is a smile face:

5 Zimas (64 ozish)
1/2 c sugar
1 packet Wyler's Black Cherry drink mix
Splash of juice
:)
Add 151 @ user's discretion

Speaking of recipes, I've been secretly replacing Jason's stash of comedian-approved Sierra Mist with a concoction of Zima Citrus and Karo Syrup for about 5 years now. He drinks six 20-oz bottles a day, or more. He's probably going to have wicked DTs once the supply of Zima runs out. I wonder if Smirnoff Ice would work. Or if I can convince him to switch to lemonade...nah, he'll probably catch on to that.

They say the supply of Zima will last until about December. I guess that's MillerCoors LLC's holiday gift to malternative purists. If I can get my hands on some, I'll be sure to tip some out and say something like, "This is for my homie who will soon not be here...Zima. See you when I get there in that gangsta lean."

*Sadly, I did not make that word up. F'in marketers, am I right? They're GOOD.

**I might be slightly misrepresenting my age. A touch. You're only as old as the tail you can pull, and trust, I can pull some young-ass tail.

Liveblogging The American Gladiators Semifinals Round 1

As fans of fine culture, we've been watching the all-new, all-awesome American Gladiators all along, and we kept meaning to liveblog it (yes, we know liveblogging something like this is essentially meaningless but that's Hands in the Air in a nutshell, wouldn't you say?) and now the time has come. I'm dispensing with the time codes on these because it doesn't really matter much and I'm fucking lazy.

We start off in Gladiator Arena with the first two female contenders squaring off in Hit and Run.

It's clear from the tension in the air that both of these women have tasted the sweet nectar that is the Hulkster, and they hate each other for it. This isn't just an athletic contest, it's a fight for the love of one good, muscular, probably bewigged man.

So our main problem with Hit and Run is that most of the players do it wrong, and if they did it right it would be too easy. The gladiators push 100-pound balls at the players, and instead of just waiting or running past, these idiots duck under them, crawling along the plexiglass bridge. Silly. Jason wonders if any of these people have ever played a video game before, and obviously few have because if they did they'd figure out the whole just wait a second and use timing tactic.

Jason: The balls should be on fire. And the gladiators should have guns.

Jenni: This whole thing should be on roller skates.

Jason: The whole show should be on roller skates.

Jenni: Yeah, true.

Jason: Or the gladiators should ride the balls and grab the players.

Jenni: Or the balls could have spikes, at least for the semifinals. Or they should change the bridge, make it really skinny, or grease it, or remove random slats.

Jason: The bridge should move (like a people mover, but fast)

Jenni: Yeah and they have to roller skate against it.

Steve: The pit shouldn't have water in it, it should have spikes, like Mortal Kombat.

Clearly, we should be coming up with events for this show.

And now it's the men's turn. Touching shit: the small blond man is doing this for his dead mother. And the small dark haired man is doing this for his fellow firefighters and all the firefighters who have ever died in New York, or the world, something like that.

Jenni: Oh, yeah, that's great, I bet the dead people are really touched. There was a conference call up in heaven--all right everybody, listen up--we've got two brave young men down on earth who are dedicating their American Gladiator runs to a few of the dead up here. What an amazing, meaningful gesture. There were tears in heaven that day, I'll tell you that.

Power Ball. Jason says the gladiator Titan is called that because that's what happens to his pants when he's with these men.

A bug pops up advertising My Dad is Better than Your Dad, and as an aside, I'm pretty sure my dad could totally demolish Jason's and Steve's dads. They disagree. They're ridiculous. I ain't saying my dad's superbadass as much as I am saying that their dads are sort of creampuffs. We're an athletic family. I'm just saying. I dominate, and I must get that from somewhere, am I right? My mom could also totally take their moms, on the for real tip.

Hang Tough, with the ladies, then the men. Not much happening there, but this is one of the more sexually charged events because the gladiators end up just wrapping their legs around the contenders and trying to get them into the pool. Always looks humpy.

Gauntlet. You can totally tell when the blonde chick gets thru to the end that the artist formerly known as Hollywood Hogan is totally proud that he did this girl earlier, and she feels like she's earned his love. It's pretty touching. The same thing happens with the brunette chick. Amazing. Who will win the affection of Hulk Hogan and the chance to appear on Hogan Knows Best next season? I don't know!!

Joust. Titan keeps wiggling his big Easter Ham thighs in the most sensual way. You know that thing Jason said about Titan earlier? I'm pretty sure it's happening to Steve and Jason right here on our very own couch.

The Announcer and Hulkster say Joust is Titan's house and Titan's Joust. Jason says he imagines Titan's house has nice drapes and doilies in it.

The Wall. Wolf was chasing the blond dude, so he sniffed him before the event. At the end, Wolf did not catch his prey but he did roar right into the camera.

Steve: I was turned on and frightened at the same time. Wolf is mantastic.

Pyramid. When Justice and Mayhem come out, they sort of just jump around atop the squishy blocks and look very much like young ladies at a slumber party. The blond guy actually started laughing at them and so did we. By the way, the blond dude is wearing some very supportive underwears, and is sporting a bit of a pyramid of his own, if you know what I mean. He also talks like he's on speed. Jason says he should thank his dealer for his great performance in the game.

As the men get ready for the Eliminator, the brunet firefighter is doing this weird bouncy waist and hip thrusty stretch move. What was he doing?

Jenni: That's known as the fireman's pelvic stretch. He's getting his "hose" ready.

Jason: What do you want to bet that Titan is down there, just out of the shot?

I sort of just stopped then, I mean, Steve and Jason said some other things that were probably funny in there but I was getting really hungry and not really paying attention. I'm a bad lady. Maybe they could edit in some of their comedy if they see fit. Or not. I dunno. The blond guy and the brunette lady won, in case you were wondering.

Goodbye, Bobby E

I don't usually do the dead folks posts, because Jason is really the most morbid person on the crew. But this death--this one hit home.

Bob Evans
Sausage King/restaurateur
May 30, 1918 - June 21, 2007

Jenni and Steve mourning outside the Bob Evans closest to the Cleveland airport. Not pictured: Bob Evans in toy form.

Bob Evans, a man who created the best sausage I ever put in my mouth (sorry, Steve), has died. But let's not dwell on his death. Let's celebrate his life--and that freaking delicious sausage. The man's sausage was a thing of beauty. No man, no woman, no child--possibly no creature living on this earth, even the dirty vegetarians--could resist Bob Evans' plump, juicy, perfectly spiced and fragrant tube of meat. I could eat Bob Evans' sausage all night long, and beg for more.

But it's not just the sausage--oooh, the sausage. Bob Evans' sausage empire included hundreds of excellent Bob Evans restaurants in (apparently) 18 states, including, of course, Ohio, where it all started. I remember hearing once that Bob Evans would only ship sausage (and I guess place restaurants) within a short drive from the Bob Evans Farms epicenter, to ensure a quality product. That's great, but it kept Bob Evans restaurants from being out West, where I've lived for seven or eight years. I suppose it's possible that will change now that Bob himself is gone, but in a way I guess I hope not, because I like that a company put quality and customer experience over profits. You know, if that story is even true and I didn't make it up in a sausage-fueled fever dream. I get a little crazy on the sausage.

I look forward to going to Bob Evans every time I'm home (which I just happen to be at the moment), and, in fact, it's typically our first stop when we land. Sometimes, I even order non-sausage food, though it's rare. I loves me some sausage.

Since this post isn't long enough, I'll share a recentish Bob Evans anecdote.

A while back, a few months before Bob Evans went totally smoke-free, I was grossed out by being seated too close to the smoking section, and so, I picked up a crayon and wrote, with my left hand so it would look real, a message somewhat like this:

Dear Bobby E,

I love your food but my mom says we can't eat here anymore because the smoke in the air might make my cancer come back.

Please, Bobby E, get rid of the smokers so I can eat at your restaurant. I love it because my name is Bobby, too.

Love,
Bobby

Hmm. I remember the original being funnier than that. I know there was cancer, the Bobby E thing, and the cancer kid was named Bobby.

Yeah.

Sausage!

Jenni vs. Predator Part Two: Entrapture

Me 'n' my soul had a vision. We were, like, so totally on a mission. I may be filthy dirty in the mouth and mind, but still, there are way worse perverts out there, and little kids who need my help, since obviously their parents don't give a shit.

I put on my perv-huntin' "no fat chicks" cap, fired up the ol' lappytop, and got to trolling for justice.

I'll be the first to admit, the early attempts didn't go very well. I think it was my opening lines. Perhaps I was a touch overeager.

6yrsgoingon12in: Whew, I needs me some cock.
(virtual crickets)
6yrsgoingon12in: I sed I'm 6 years old and HORNEE!!!!11!1!!
((dickenjane has left the chat room))
((D.Flower has left the chat room))
((kilfhunter69 has left the chat room))
((yngaznluvrmiller has left the chat room))

[DO OVER]

blewnicorn95: my virginity is like a brick in my tiny, lacy underpants. heavy and scratchy. If only someone would...lay that brick.
((Peeniemeeniemineymo has left the chat room))
((Chodeally has left the chat room))
((cap'njzz has left the chat room))
((the chat room is empty))
blewnicorn95: anyone?

[DO OVER]

Virjenni: Someone put me out of my misery--I've gone 10 years without sex! Ha! Because I'm only 10!! Get it? 10 years without sex? Come on, I know most of you are three, four times my age and can totally beat that!!! Let's hear it boys! Are you hornier than a fifth grader?
painalingus has left the chat room
bigballz6969 has left the chat room
insemenator has left the chat room

Huh. My quarry was obviously a bit sharper than Chris Hansen had lead me to believe--the hard sell was not gonna work. Luckily, I used to be a profeshunal writer, so I knew from subtlety. But once I started being "real" I got sort of depressed about the whole thing. How can anyone really do this and not want to blow their brains out?

Katsnatchfvr: NE buddy want 2 be my friend?
Katsnatchfvr: talk 2 me!!!!
tungkiss: Hey, sweethart, how'r U?
Katsnatchfvr: OK but how do u kno i'm sweet?
tungkiss: I dont.....but i wood like 2 find out!
Katsnatchfvr: ^o^" how?!?
tungkiss: u no how
Katsnatchfvr: no -__- ?
tungkiss: i can taste u
tungkiss: down there
Katsnatchfvr: oh yeah? on my foots?
tungkiss: UR silly I mean ur girl parts!!
Katsnatchfvr: "girl parts?!?" those have a name, dickweed
tungkiss: huh?
Katsnatchfvr: uh...oh i bet that would tingle tangle me in my underpants place
tungkiss: oh yeah u will LOVE it
Katsnatchfvr: describe it to me!!
tungkiss: i will kiss you down there like on ur mouth but instead on your pussy
Katsnatchfvr: oh you think that will do something? pfft. no wonder you talk to preteens online.
tungkiss: uh oh God UR a cop
Katsnatchfvr: silly! i was just jokin...like that guy on TV whose name nobody ever remembers
tungkiss: thats not funny we could get in a lot of truble
Katsnatchfvr: we?
tungkiss: yeah and then we cant be in luv anymore honey
Katsnatchfvr: "Luv?" Um, yeah. You probably kind of mean that. This is just too sad. Are people really this lonely? Do all of you really have no one better to talk to? Fuck, that's some messed up shit right there. Ugh, I need to lie down.
tungkiss: and I can get on top of you and make you feel good with my hard cock in your tiny pussy
Katsnatchfvr: ...
tungkiss: baby what's wrong? u make me horny
Katsnatchfvr: you make me worry about the future. and the past.
tungkiss: don't worry ill use protection
Katsnatchfvr: that's not...wow.
tungkiss: you'll be saying wow a lot honey i promise
tungkiss: i really kno how 2 do it
Katsnatchfvr: that i seriously doubt, or you wouldn't need to be here chatting up kids

Yeah, so, in the end, I didn't manage to get anyone arrested. I mean, I went to their houses and hammered their balls flat, and fed them anything that leaked out. But I'm telling you, half of them liked it, so, mission totally not accomplished.

Oh, well, no matter. I had a vision the other day about people who steal music and movies from defenseless corporations. Surely that will be an easier vigilante mission for me...(wink)

Until then, here's a bonus one:

[DO OVER]

rubberpantz: nknhbhkbmesddrs asdfasfdfdsasaewajk (Hey pervs! that means, "Hi, I'm a little toddler, totally unable to express my deep and boundless desire for delicious grown man-cock, but rest assured, I am in the market. Are any of you, perhaps, a member of the clergy, or a teacher?")

Jenni vs. Predator Part One: Illumination

One day, Jenni felt a small tugging at the sleeve of her soul.

"I have a soul?" she thought to herself, and to no one in particular. (Jenni believed other people could hear her thoughts, and while sometimes she addressed them to someone, this time she was just too genuinely surprised to get specific about it.)

"Ahem," said the soul-tugger, "Down here."


In the dimly lit realm of the metaphysical, Jenni's soul looked down past its woefully stretched-out sleeve and gasped. Before it sat a moderately brainless and dangerously lonely child, its helpless face and large-eyed, blank stare artfully--yet ominously--illuminated by the glow of its computer screen.

As Jenni's soul watched, the scene shifted. There was the child in its own cheerfully lit home, looking for companionship and attention in unmoderated chat rooms, innocently typing and LOLing away, when what can only be described as an appropriately dark metaphoric shadow shaped like a hulking, creepy-ass, pathetic man holding a four-pack of a malt beverage appeared in the doorway, severely compromising the once cheerful lighting in the room.

"Help me," the child said.

"Fuck yeah, I'll help you--help you out of your virginity!" the shadow shaped like a big ol' nasty predator said.

"Dude. The kid was talking to me." Jenni's soul asserted.

"ROTFTNLAABIS," the child sputtered. (That means rolling on the floor totally not laughing at all because I'm scared. Seriously, these kids and their secret codes.)

"Don't worry. I got this!" Jenni's soul bellowed.

"You don't really strike me as a virgin, but shit, I'm obviously lookin' for it any way I can get it, so, yeah, all right, baby. I want to hug u and touch u naked and put my thing in u. Ur so pretty," the predatory shade said. "U like Mike's Hard Lemonade, right?"

"Shuh shuh she was talking to me," the child managed to stutter.

Just as quickly as it began, it was over. Jenni's soul tried to make sense of it all by speaking out loud.

"Huh. I wonder what that meant?" Jenni's soul pondered, "An oddly genderless child...a grown-ups' beverage in crowd-pleasing flavors...a talking shadow that shaped like a guy who wants to fuck kids...hmmm. This one's a puzzler."

Back in the physical world, Jenni read a story about Miss America bravely luring internet predators as part of her "internet safety for children" platform.

"I know what I must do," Jenni and her soul said, at the exact same time.

"You owe me a Coke," Jenni and her soul said, at the exact same time.

Two Cokes later, it was ON.

To be continued...

Comic Belief

The leaders of the African nation of Guinea-Bissau have learned that Whoopi Goldberg can trace most of her ancestry back to tribes indigenous to their country--and yes, they're thinking what you're thinking: "How can they cash in on this shit?" For truly, what poor African nation hasn't benefited from being the ancestral home of vaguely famous American comedians-cum-center squares?

This is Yasmin, of Bratz Babyz fame. She can trace her ancestry pretty far back--her family tree includes a mermaid who used to herself be a slutty baby mermaid, a slutty tuna and a slutty barrel of oil.

Exactly. Cottage fucking industry in the Africa. Drive down the main thoroughfare in any African city and you'll be sure to encounter dozens of waifs waving maps to stars' tribal homes. You can't throw a "We Are the World" CD without hitting one of millions of huts purporting to be Michael Jackson's forefathers' stomping grounds. Just kidding, they only do that for Black celebrities.

One of the best parts of the story is that the Guinea-Bissauans have only the vaguest idea of who Whoopi Goldberg actually is (and you thought there was no upside to living in the Third World) and so they addressed her as "Your Excellency Hoppy Goldberg" in their letter to her, asking her to visit and, you know, let her fat American ass leave a slime trail of money all over their country.

Yeah, so, after seeing this story, I linked Jason to it. And the gods of AIM comedy did smile upon the conversation:

Jenni: This story wants to be a TV movie, Oprah special, and, of course, Successories poster.
Jason: Yes. I loooove Hoppy Goldberg.
Jenni: Don't we all.
Jenni: At the end, one of the locals says she's pretty.
Jenni: Clearly, a nation impoverished even in beauty.
Jason: Yeah. It's hard to know true beauty when movies like Sister Act haven't filtered down to you yet.
Jenni: She's the first person who ever had one of those African scam letters crafted specifically for her. Pity she didn't get it.
Jason: I hope they adopt her. It's like reverse Angelina or Madonna.
Jenni: I'm confused by their reasoning, tho. Hoppy Goldberg's ancestors are from there...so now the whole nation will be famous?
Jenni: Do people want to see the ancestral Hoppy Goldberg home in some godforsaken place?
Jason: Hmmm. Confusing mixed messages. Maybe Chris is from Guinea-Bissau, too.
Jenni: Perhaps.
Jenni: Where's the detail in the story where the reporter notices the country is too poor for anyone in it to have eyebrows?
Jason: A whole country of people with black lips and no eyebrows.
Jenni: No wonder no one goes there.
Jason: That, and they didn't start showing Burglar and Jumping Jack Flash until recently.
Jason: Crap, we should totally be talking heads on those E! shows...
Jenni: I'll say.
Jason: Save this conversation and paste the transcript into the blog for an instant story.
Jenni: Yeah we should do that more.

We're actually having headshots taken so we can be talking heads. I mean, hell, if we're this funny off the cuff while working...

R.I.P. Tower Records

Tower Records stores have officially closed their doors forever. Worldwide, there have been three mammoth chains of deep-catalog CD stores (Tower Records, HMV and the Virgin Megastore; "CD stores" that also have washing machine departments don't count), and Tower was always the dumpiest of the bunch. But that's probably what gave the store its rock-'n'-roll cred. And while HMV, Virgin and local chains like California's Amoeba Records or Seattle's Easy Street Records will fill the void for music fans, Tower Records and its awful ketchup-and-mustard logo will be sorely missed.

Tower Records
1960 - 2006Merry Christmas! I just bought your gift for $2,
but I'm keeping the $18.99 price tags on them so you think I care 90% more!

Since October, Tower has been clearing out its stock. First, the stores marked inventory down by 10%, then 20%, then 30%. In the past few days, all CD prices took a nosedive to 80% off until the final days when all CDs were $2 or less.

It's staggering how picked-over the store was in its final days on life support. Pretty much every CD or DVD you've remotely heard of was gone from the shelves. Sadly, I don't think I've ever bought as many CDs than I did during Tower's final months of close-out prices. I can't resist a bargain. Never before have I been so excited to buy CDs by bands I'm only mildly excited about.

This past Thursday, I visited the store on Sunset Boulevard (pictured above) in West Hollywood for cheapie Christmas gifts, and there was really nothing left over that was worth buying. Seriously, who knew Tower carried so many whale song CDs or Spanish-language DVDs? If you know any Mexican sailors, I've got a gift bag I can sell you.


Special contest! If you're the first commenter to identify all 5 CDs Jason is holding in the photo, you'll get mentioned in our sidebar. That's the best prize I can give you after buying too many unspectacular CDs for spectacular prices.