R.I.P. Sherwood Schwartz

Sherwood Schwartz

November 14, 1916 - July 12, 2011

Creator of The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island

Cousin Oliver is locked in the basement.

R.I.P. Stephen J. Cannell

It's a sad time for TV fans, and I'm not referring to the fact that Outsourced and $#*! My Dad Says premiered the other week (no one has any business airing a Twitter-based TV show until there's a sexy Hands in the Air anthology series on Cinemax After Dark, by the way).

Stephen J. Cannell

TV Producer, Creator, Writer

February 5, 1941 - September 30, 2010

Anyway, the real tragedy is that TV producer extraordinaire Stephen J. Cannell passed away last Thursday. He's the televisionary who created such beloved series as The A-Team, 21 Jump Street, The Greatest American Hero, The Rockford Files, Silk Stalkings, Hardcastle and McCormick and just about every other cool '80s and early '90s show that served as counter-programming to Mr. Belvedere and Charles in Charge.

He at least got to live to see the theatrical version of The A-Team this past summer, or at least he'll never see the day when Riptide is turned into a movie.

R.I.P. Harvey Pekar

Harvey Pekar

Comic Book Writer, American Splendor

October 8, 1939 - July 12, 2010

R.I.P. Rue McClanahan

Thank you for being a friend.

Rue McClanahan
Golden Girl
February 21, 1934 - June 3, 2010

Jenni says that if only the internet had shown as much love for Rue McClanahan as it did for Betty White, she might still be around (Facebook, you've got blood on your hands). And I say that even though there's only one Golden Girl left, I can take comfort that there are still three Designing Women out there.

R.I.P. Dennis Hopper

I'll always remember him as the guy who played King Koopa in the Super Mario Bros. movie, but Dennis Hopper has been in everything, including Easy Rider, Speed, Cool Hand Luke, Waterworld, Rebel without a Cause, Blue Velvet and Season 1 of 24

Dennis Hopper
Actor, Director and Easy Rider
May 17, 1936 - May 29, 2010

Dennis Hopper was also in the influential DVD rental, Space Truckers. I think the tagline for that movie was "In space, no one can hear you, good buddy," but I'm not positive. Most recently, he starred in the TV series Crash, but I hated the movie it was based on and I think Starz should avoid making original programming because it just gets in the way when I all I wanna do is watch Step Brothers again.

R.I.P. Gary Coleman

I actually loved me some Diff'rent Strokes, but his '80s cartoon (based on his movie, The Kid with a Broken Halo) just seems extra creepy now.

Gary Coleman
Actor, influence for Webster, 2003 candidate for California governor
February 8, 1968 - May 28, 2010

Also, welcome to the first installment of our "Too Soon?" series of posts.

R.I.P. Captain Lou Albano

You know who's a dick? OK, fine, John Gosselin, yes. But you know who else? The year 2009 is a dick. This year has killed more than its fair share of celebrities, and 2009 has just taken its toll on another star.

R.I.P. Captain Lou Albano
Wrestling Superstar, Music Video Dad, Captain, Rubber Band Enthusiast, Super Mario
July 29, 1933 - October 14, 2009

(This Mario is a Mighty Mugg I customized for Jenni's birthday.)

This morning, Captain Lou Albano died at age 76. Some of you may know him from the "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" music video, where he played Cyndi Lauper's dad who asks her what she's gonna do with her life. Others may know him as a celeb from the World Wrestling Federation. Or maybe you know him as a dude who rubber-bands his beard and dresses like every day is Aloha Friday. If you're Hands in the Air, then you have fond memories of Captain Lou portraying Mario on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show.

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze

Farewell, Patrick Swayze. Sorry, Kanye, but your scene-stealing jackassery at the MTV Video Music Awards has been upstaged by some truly sad news, and you really don't have a chance this time to interrupt it. As a tribute to the star of Dirty Dancing, Point Break, Red Dawn, Road House and To Wong Foo, I'm reposting this picture of Jenni and Steve (from one of my Valentine's posts) where they're re-enacting the famous scene from Ghost that redefined pottery as we know it.

Patrick Swayze
Actor, Dirty Dancer
August 18, 1952 - September 14, 2009

He's like the wind. Ditto.

R.I.P. John Hughes

This memorial post for John Hughes is way overdue, but I've been too preoccupied watching his Curly Sue to photograph my tribute to him. OK, so I haven't learned how to make up clever excuses like Ferris Bueller, but John Hughes has at least taught anyone who's been a teen that they're not alone, and, if they are, maybe they might be able to create Kelly LeBrock.

Anyway, here's my tribute to two of my favorite John Hughes movies.

R.I.P.
John Hughes
Writer, director, creator of the Brat Pack
February 18, 1950 - August 6, 2009

Don't you forget about him.

The Grim Reaper of Infomercials Wears a Snuggie

R.I.P.

Billy Mays
TV Pitchman
July 20, 1958 - June 28, 2009

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

Farrah Fawcett

Actress, Poster Babe
February 2, 1947 - June 25, 2009

R.I.P. Bea Arthur

It's been a while since I've posted a celebrity obituary, but today's passing of Bea Arthur really hits home with me. The huskiest of The Golden Girls has the same birthday as me, so whenever I'd check the celebrity horoscopes, I'd know I'd be having the exact same day as Bea. Or if Entertainment Tonight was listing the celebrity birthdays, I'd know that both Bea Arthur and I could have a free meal at Denny's together on the same day.

Bea Arthur
Actress, Golden Girl
May 13, 1922 - April 25, 2009

Thank you for being a friend

So now on my birthday (it's coming up in a couple of weeks, ladies), I'll have to make due with getting into Disneyland free with only Harvey Keitel, Stevie Wonder and Robert Pattinson. I know! Robert fucking Pattinson! While researching Bea Arthur, I just found out that Twilight boy and I were born on the same freakin' day! So, even though today is sad because Bea is gone, it's sorta happy early birthday to me, 'cuz, like, Robert fucking Pattinson!

R.I.P. Ricardo Montalban

I know I'm a little late on this. I started drinking Fantasy Island-style tropical drinks in tribute to Ricardo Montalban, and the next thing I know, it's Sunday.

Ricardo Montalban
Actor, Mexican fantasy-fulfiller
November 25, 1920 - January 14, 2009

Mr. Roarke won't have to fight the devil where he's going.

There have never been many Hispanical role models out there for impressionable Hispanical young'ns, though it seems back when I was a kid there were actually more in the entertainment industry than there are now. Rarer still was a Mexican role model for my little Mexican ass. It was like, him and Speedy Gonzales.

Ricardo Montalban was everything you'd want in a role model. While handsome and charming in his younger years, he aged like a fine tequila, cutting such an impressive figure that he was tapped to play a genetically superior superman who conquered a fair amount of the Earth and the similarly superhuman owner of a magical island who can grant wishes to his guests (for a price, momma didn't raise no fool--though I swear he gave the money back a lot to the more "deserving" guests or maybe I'm remembering wrong). And he was pretty damn believable in both roles.

Adios, Senor (Senior, Senior)!

R.I.P. Eartha Kitt

Eartha Kitt

Singer, actress, Catwoman from the Batman TV series (1967 - 1968)
January 17, 1927 - December 25, 2008
You've probably heard her song "Santa Baby" some time today...

R.I.P. Bettie Page

Bettie Page
Pinup Girl
April 22, 1923 - December 11, 2008

R.I.P. Hitchcock Screenwriter Guy

John Michael Hayes
May 11, 1919 - November 19, 2008
Alfred Hitchcock screenwriter
(Rear Window, The Man Who Knew Too Much, To Catch a Thief, The Trouble with Harry)

Z End

On October 10, MillerCoors LLC stopped production on the original malternative* taste sensation. I'm speaking, of course, about Zima.

Zima entered the alcoholic beverage market at about the same time I entered the binge drinking market (Junior high! Catholic school, baby!!**), so I have some pretty fond memories of the stuff. It tasted like kind of f-ed up semi-malty 7Up, but less sweet, and since I didn't like beer very much and had a hard time pounding enough to get sozzled, Zima was sort of a lifesaver. You know, the kind of lifesaver that shortens your life and makes you a thousand times more likely to do something stupid--just ask my alcoholic whore of an ex-roommate and her alcoholic whore of a best buddy, who would, say, wake up shoeless on an unfamiliar stoop, plate of food in one hand, underpants in the other--tights strangely still in place.

It was the whores that introduced me to a Zima upgrade: adding a shot of Chambord to change the color to a pleasing raspberry, and improving the flavor quite a bit. Also, the Chambord bottle is cute. It has a crown on the top. That felt very regal. You could also flirt with the bartender, who would be held captive by your need to take a swig from the bottle before the shot was added. Besides, the second time you wake up on a stoop, you remember whose it is, and if you were tipping the bartender well all night, he or she probably stuffed a few bills into your tights for a cab home once you regained consciousness. Win-win-win. Win.

At some point, they introduced something called Zima Gold to the market. Let me tell you about Zima Gold. Zima Gold is most definitely the only drink they'll offer you in Hell. Zima Gold tastes a lot like if regular Zima peed off all its citrus tang, then got peed on by a Natty Light, then drank up all that pee, and then killed itself with a healthy dose of caramel color that also tastes like beer pee. I swear to God it's so bad, it tastes like it never gets cold. I'm probably shitting on pee by saying Zima Gold tastes like it. If it was possible to bottle the flavor of a damp-yet-sticky cigarette butt-strewn gas station bathroom in the form of an amber malternative beverage, then there would never have been a need in this world for Zima Gold. Zima Gold is so bad, I kept a bottle of it just to remind me that there really is evil in this world. This bottle of Zima Gold has moved with me at least seven times, and it's never taken any damage. Think about it. Damn. Anyway, Zima Gold did not last long in the market. It was, perhaps, an early sign that Zima might not be in it for the long haul.

I have a recipe written in my copy of Joy of Cooking for a refreshing Zima punch. This is it almost exactly, I just added clarity to the Wyler's part. There really is a smile face:

5 Zimas (64 ozish)
1/2 c sugar
1 packet Wyler's Black Cherry drink mix
Splash of juice
:)
Add 151 @ user's discretion

Speaking of recipes, I've been secretly replacing Jason's stash of comedian-approved Sierra Mist with a concoction of Zima Citrus and Karo Syrup for about 5 years now. He drinks six 20-oz bottles a day, or more. He's probably going to have wicked DTs once the supply of Zima runs out. I wonder if Smirnoff Ice would work. Or if I can convince him to switch to lemonade...nah, he'll probably catch on to that.

They say the supply of Zima will last until about December. I guess that's MillerCoors LLC's holiday gift to malternative purists. If I can get my hands on some, I'll be sure to tip some out and say something like, "This is for my homie who will soon not be here...Zima. See you when I get there in that gangsta lean."

*Sadly, I did not make that word up. F'in marketers, am I right? They're GOOD.

**I might be slightly misrepresenting my age. A touch. You're only as old as the tail you can pull, and trust, I can pull some young-ass tail.

Rest in Motherfucking Peace, George Carlin

George Carlin, the comedian famous for his filthy 1970s monologue, "The Seven Words You Can't Say on Television" has just sucked the throbbing, cum-gurgling, cunt-busting cock of the grim fucking reaper. Sure, nowadays you can say most of those seven words on TV thanks to series like Poonlighting, Twat's Happening? and CSI: Fistfuck, but let's not piss on Carlin's parade 'cause he's fucking dead, asshole. Shit, show some fucking respect, cocksuckers.*

George Carlin
Comedian, Potty Mouth, Rufus in the Bill & Ted movies
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

*I apologize for my use of harsh language in this post, because I usually don't use this much profanity unless I'm talking about work. Also, I totally forgot to use the word "tits." Fuck, fuck, fuck!

R.I.P. Bo Diddley

I was all ready to write some sort of stirring and respectful tribute to Bo Diddley, but it turns out that I was mixing him up with B. B. King, who's totally not dead right now. About all I know about this guy is that he has a cool name and I bet it'd look really awesome on his headstone. So much for me being stirring and respectful.

Bo Diddley
Rock and Roll Legend
December 30, 1928 - June 2, 2008

Guns Being Pried from Charlton Heston's Cold, Dead Hands

R.I.P. Charlton Heston
Actor, Gun Lover, Ape Hater
October 4, 1924 - April 5, 2008