OMFG, Gossip Girl, WTF?

I absolutely love that The CW's current ad campaign for Gossip Girl is reveling in how morally questionable the series might be. But really, morals are like the American Gladiators -- they're meant to be challenged, slathered in baby oil and pummeled with giant Q-tips.

























Just in case The CW needs some more pull quotes to promote Gossip Girl, I've created some additional ads for them:

Rest in Motherfucking Peace, George Carlin

George Carlin, the comedian famous for his filthy 1970s monologue, "The Seven Words You Can't Say on Television" has just sucked the throbbing, cum-gurgling, cunt-busting cock of the grim fucking reaper. Sure, nowadays you can say most of those seven words on TV thanks to series like Poonlighting, Twat's Happening? and CSI: Fistfuck, but let's not piss on Carlin's parade 'cause he's fucking dead, asshole. Shit, show some fucking respect, cocksuckers.*

George Carlin
Comedian, Potty Mouth, Rufus in the Bill & Ted movies
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

*I apologize for my use of harsh language in this post, because I usually don't use this much profanity unless I'm talking about work. Also, I totally forgot to use the word "tits." Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Keep It Under the Table

Lock up your outdoor furniture, because last week an Ohio man was arrested for having public sex with his patio table. According to witnesses (and video-taped evidence!), the furniture rapist was seen naked on his deck romancing his patio table's empty umbrella hole. I guess the man lost interest in his wife after realizing she wasn't as round and flat as he'd liked and that she couldn't double as a place for him to put his beer on.

"Hubba hubba. You're the best money I've ever spent at Z Gallerie."

Doesn't the term "table dance" usually involve a strip club and not the Lawn & Garden department of your local Home Depot? In any case, this whole story brings a lot of other questions to the table (but not in that "let me plug up that umbrella hole" sort of way):

1. What exactly turns this guy on? Is it the IKEA Spring catalog or is it being "just the right diameter"?
   
   
2. If the guy has a fancy candlelit dinner on the table, does that mean he then expects his table to put out?
   
   
3. Was the table "asking for it" since it was just sitting there with its four shapely legs splayed wide open?
   
   
4. Did it make the guy wildly jealous whenever the umbrella was actually in the table?
   
   
5. Why didn't he bother to bring the table inside? Was he trying to impress the nearby picnic tables and park benches?
   

"Termites? What do you mean you have termites?!!?"

This story is way better than the pregnant man, Oprah -- just wait until the table gives birth to little lawn chairs. But if you don't snatch up this story, I hope that at the very least NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen starts trolling the chat rooms to set up a "To Catch a Table Rapist" sting.

Furniture4nic8r: so what are u wearing?
ReadyWillingAndTable: just a plaid tablecloth
Furniture4nic8r: thats hot. can ur legs fold up?
ReadyWillingAndTable: no im one of those stacking tables
Furniture4nic8r: oooh, i like seeing table-on-table action
ReadyWillingAndTable: hahaha. sounds ruff
Furniture4nic8r: u like that? i can play a real mean game of ping-pong on you
ReadyWillingAndTable: ouch. that might hurt
Furniture4nic8r: i'll be gentle. i'll use some Pledge furniture polish on you first. lemon scented
ReadyWillingAndTable: ur funny. u make me feel special like a crate & barrel dinette set

Jenni vs. Predator Part Two: Entrapture

Me 'n' my soul had a vision. We were, like, so totally on a mission. I may be filthy dirty in the mouth and mind, but still, there are way worse perverts out there, and little kids who need my help, since obviously their parents don't give a shit.

I put on my perv-huntin' "no fat chicks" cap, fired up the ol' lappytop, and got to trolling for justice.

I'll be the first to admit, the early attempts didn't go very well. I think it was my opening lines. Perhaps I was a touch overeager.

6yrsgoingon12in: Whew, I needs me some cock.
(virtual crickets)
6yrsgoingon12in: I sed I'm 6 years old and HORNEE!!!!11!1!!
((dickenjane has left the chat room))
((D.Flower has left the chat room))
((kilfhunter69 has left the chat room))
((yngaznluvrmiller has left the chat room))

[DO OVER]

blewnicorn95: my virginity is like a brick in my tiny, lacy underpants. heavy and scratchy. If only someone would...lay that brick.
((Peeniemeeniemineymo has left the chat room))
((Chodeally has left the chat room))
((cap'njzz has left the chat room))
((the chat room is empty))
blewnicorn95: anyone?

[DO OVER]

Virjenni: Someone put me out of my misery--I've gone 10 years without sex! Ha! Because I'm only 10!! Get it? 10 years without sex? Come on, I know most of you are three, four times my age and can totally beat that!!! Let's hear it boys! Are you hornier than a fifth grader?
painalingus has left the chat room
bigballz6969 has left the chat room
insemenator has left the chat room

Huh. My quarry was obviously a bit sharper than Chris Hansen had lead me to believe--the hard sell was not gonna work. Luckily, I used to be a profeshunal writer, so I knew from subtlety. But once I started being "real" I got sort of depressed about the whole thing. How can anyone really do this and not want to blow their brains out?

Katsnatchfvr: NE buddy want 2 be my friend?
Katsnatchfvr: talk 2 me!!!!
tungkiss: Hey, sweethart, how'r U?
Katsnatchfvr: OK but how do u kno i'm sweet?
tungkiss: I dont.....but i wood like 2 find out!
Katsnatchfvr: ^o^" how?!?
tungkiss: u no how
Katsnatchfvr: no -__- ?
tungkiss: i can taste u
tungkiss: down there
Katsnatchfvr: oh yeah? on my foots?
tungkiss: UR silly I mean ur girl parts!!
Katsnatchfvr: "girl parts?!?" those have a name, dickweed
tungkiss: huh?
Katsnatchfvr: uh...oh i bet that would tingle tangle me in my underpants place
tungkiss: oh yeah u will LOVE it
Katsnatchfvr: describe it to me!!
tungkiss: i will kiss you down there like on ur mouth but instead on your pussy
Katsnatchfvr: oh you think that will do something? pfft. no wonder you talk to preteens online.
tungkiss: uh oh God UR a cop
Katsnatchfvr: silly! i was just jokin...like that guy on TV whose name nobody ever remembers
tungkiss: thats not funny we could get in a lot of truble
Katsnatchfvr: we?
tungkiss: yeah and then we cant be in luv anymore honey
Katsnatchfvr: "Luv?" Um, yeah. You probably kind of mean that. This is just too sad. Are people really this lonely? Do all of you really have no one better to talk to? Fuck, that's some messed up shit right there. Ugh, I need to lie down.
tungkiss: and I can get on top of you and make you feel good with my hard cock in your tiny pussy
Katsnatchfvr: ...
tungkiss: baby what's wrong? u make me horny
Katsnatchfvr: you make me worry about the future. and the past.
tungkiss: don't worry ill use protection
Katsnatchfvr: that's not...wow.
tungkiss: you'll be saying wow a lot honey i promise
tungkiss: i really kno how 2 do it
Katsnatchfvr: that i seriously doubt, or you wouldn't need to be here chatting up kids

Yeah, so, in the end, I didn't manage to get anyone arrested. I mean, I went to their houses and hammered their balls flat, and fed them anything that leaked out. But I'm telling you, half of them liked it, so, mission totally not accomplished.

Oh, well, no matter. I had a vision the other day about people who steal music and movies from defenseless corporations. Surely that will be an easier vigilante mission for me...(wink)

Until then, here's a bonus one:

[DO OVER]

rubberpantz: nknhbhkbmesddrs asdfasfdfdsasaewajk (Hey pervs! that means, "Hi, I'm a little toddler, totally unable to express my deep and boundless desire for delicious grown man-cock, but rest assured, I am in the market. Are any of you, perhaps, a member of the clergy, or a teacher?")

Sure, Dad. I Swear.

The other day I got an email from my father, full of family news and all that. It was so nice, 'til I got to the end. And then...ugh. Lemme just show you:

Hi, Sweetheart--how have you and the guys been?
(personal stuff excised)
Let me know all about you and the guys. All the latest gossip.
Love, Dad
Your blogs are great, just cut down the swearing, you can write above that.

We all have parents, and we all know how they can be. But my Dad isn't usually such a priss. I dunno, it was unexpected. Usually my parents are kind of realistic about the type of person I am. It's not like I've changed much...ever.

So I wrote back.

Dad,

Write above that? Uh, no thanks. That's an embarassingly "Bill Cosby" sentiment but you know, it would mean more if you didn't ever ever ever swear yourself. But um, you do. So. How 'bout you leave the writing and entertaining to me, and I'll leave the selling cars to you.

Look at that. Whole paragraph without swearing. And it SUCKED. You are getting old and weird on me. Stop it. If you start wearing Bill Cosby sweaters, then I'll probably disown you.

Anyway, I'm glad you had a good time at Momo's birthday, and that your health is ok. I've been mostly supergood myself on the health front, eating salads and vegetables and stuff so I can get knocked up and get you people another grandbaby. That too blue for ya? Huh?

There's nothing really going on here, I have been working a whole lot, and you know, cussing every other word. I got a new boss I like, and I'm working on more game development, which is great, but I also have to do some of my old stuff, which isn't any fun. I got you a t-shirt, but it's only an XL. Pretty big one tho. I'll try to send it. If my cussing doesn't get me kicked out of the post office, that is.

The boys are ok, Jason is working a lot, maybe even more than I am. He is such a hard worker. Steve's office is moving but that's about it. He's a hard worker, too. We're a very hardworking bunch. We did a ton of cleaning and all that. Except for our rooms which are as dirty as our mouths. The place looks good.

I hate my couch and want a new tv, too. We're looking for a new place to live, so we can spread out. We need a couple of rooms for our toys and video games. And, all those cuss words take up a lot of space.

I think I might post this on the blog. Because it's squeaky motherfucking clean.

Oh applesauce, I messed it up.
Jenni

P.S. I really am going to post this on the blog. I'll edit your letter. That will get us both something, I'll get an easy post and you'll get a mostly clean post. Thanks, Dad!!!

He replied. I'll spare you the details, save these few--quite ironically, my Dad's reply includes (Da da DUH!) cusswords. The evidence:

"a couple fu---, screw ups"
"These as---- gentlemen would give it to you in the as----"
"they can kiss my Mexican ass"
"take the damn pills "

Yeah. I got on my total high horse for my reply, and again, I'll take out the personal details:

Think of how much better your response would have been if you just could have used the cusswords. We both know which words you meant there. So, what was saved with the dashes? Do you see how these words are necessary and useful? How they add meaning, punctuation, emotional heft, gravity and style to what you're trying to express? Plus, they drive right to the point and everyone knows exactly what you mean--so many other words are so easily misinterpreted.

Yeah, you can write without them, and usually when I'm getting paid to write, I do without, but for my own stuff, why would I want to limit myself? Maybe as an interesting challenge, if those words were something I didn't think I could do without.

But honestly, I can turn it on and off since I've had to write clean so often. My personal voice happens to include the dirty words I grew up hearing daily. It's me. It's honest.

(personal bloody details excised)

On that up note, I'll say goodbye, and thanks for being a sport about being on the blog.

Jenni

Yeah, I think we've all learned an important lesson here--old people are fucking weird. Parents, doubly so.


(For non-dorks, the image above is of Helena Wayne, the Huntress, who also happens to be the daughter of Batman and Catwoman. She so feels my pain.)

You Can Quote Us

It's been a while since we podcasted. In addition to having a few pretty dumpy sessions that just didn't go anywhere or didn't go anywhere much good, we're now having technical difficulties.

To fill the gap I know has opened wide in all of your lives, I'm collecting and recording for posterity some of the quotable quotes we've uttered recently. Just pretend you hear us saying them, and it's like we're podcasting! Sort of! Not really! But still!

After eating a cookie boat dessert:
"I ate the whole poop deck".
"I've been trying to get you to eat my poop deck for years."
"Well, maybe you should swab it once in a while."


Context-less quotes:

"The burlesque nut is dry."

"When she comes it's like someone's clubbing a baby seal."

"Blew out your man-dle."

"Spread my butt cheeks like a bear opening a honeycomb to get at the sweet nectar within."


I guess we're pretty dirty. Or the only things I remember are the dirty ones.

I'll add more when I remember them or when they spring fresh from our delightfully witty lips.

For a fun game, try to guess who said what.

R.I.P. Hooters Founder Guy

The founder of the Hooters chain of restaurants (apparently, those hot chicks are there to serve food!) has passed away. A true American hero and restaurant revolutionary, Robert Brooks kicked the chicken bucket and sprouted spicy buffalo angel wings so he could fly up to heaven this past Sunday. Brooks is the marketing pioneer who realized that if pantyhose and short shorts were sexy enough for the Three's Company gals, then they'd be sexy enough for his waitstaff well into the 21st century.

Robert H. Brooks
1936 - July 16, 2006

Thanks to Brooks, Hooters restaurants have paved the way for other innuendo-based eateries like the Pink Taco (no, really). Brooks' legacy will live on only if other restaurants named after sexual euphemisms continue to be founded, so here's looking to a bright future of fast-food chains with names like The Bearded Clam Shack, The Baloney Pony Deli, The Nice Rack Ribhouse, Funbags Sack Lunches and The Hard Rock Cafe: Vagina Town. Insert your own "Knockers," "Jugs," "Honeypot," "Weenie" and "Beef Curtains" jokes here.

Dumb, Dirty Star Wars Names: A Sleazebaggano Tribute

This is stupid but explicit, so watch out.

One day, before the release of Episode 2, Jason and I were at Target or something and we flipped through and eventually bought a Star Wars coloring book based on the appearance of the "death stick salesman," because we couldn't believe the incredible stupidity of it all.

Years later (yet at this point, years ago), Jason IMed me with details on the name of the guy and more, and one of the dirtiest IM conversations not involving Princess Leia in a gold bikini transpired:

Jason: Get a load of the death stick salesman's name. This is straight from StarWars.com: "The shadowy depths of Coruscant are full of many unsavory characters. A slimy narcotics peddler who frequents some of the entertainment district's nightclubs and gambling bars, Elan Sleazebaggano looked to make a quick credit by selling his illicit wares. After attempting to sell death sticks to a Jedi Knight, Sleazebaggano reportedly went home that night and completely rethought his life."

Jenni: Shut up

Jenni: That's worse than anything we could ever come up with

Jason: Seriously. Sleazebaggano.

Jenni: Crackwhoretta

Jenni: Analrapendo

Jenni: Fattassetto

Jason: Jar Jar Molesto-Wan

Jenni: Mas Tur Bator

Jenni: Eatmy Nutso

Jason: Booby Fetish

Jason: Mido Clitorians

Jenni: Bas Tardinian

Jenni: Fell Aceio

Jason: Han Jobbo

Jenni: Plugg the Hutt

Jason: Poon Tango

Jenni: Dildoinan Asz

Jason: Shlonggassia Erecto

Jenni: Drung Pucha

Jason: Testa Cullikkar

Jenni: Bak Dour

Yeah, we're sitting by the phone, waiting for Lucas to call us with job offers. We really think we have the hang of this. If we're this good with just naming shit in a super Star Wars-y way, just imagine how awesome we'd be at like, storylines and character arcs. Three words: Wookiee Ewok Gangbang.

Now that's what I call a sticky Wicket!

Jenni's Top Ten! Presidential edition!

Top Ten Dirty Sounding Last Names of US Presidents

10. Polk
"He Polked her."

9. Bush
"He Polked her in the Bush."

8. Van Buren
"My Van Buren is getting tingly as I watch him Polk her in the Bush."

7. Johnson
"Johnson, are you watching this Polk session?"

6. Harding
"I predict a bit of Harding in your future if you are."

5. Buchanan
"Ooof--I think I just Buchananed myself."

4. Taft
"I did Buchanan myself. My underpants are coated with Taft."

3. Hoover
"Gotta Hoover up the Taft in my underpants."

2. Bush
"Excuse me, miss--do you need the Hoover for your Bush? That was quite a Polk."

1. Fillmore

"The Hoover's pretty full, but I'm sure we can get it to Fillmore."