Breakin' 2: Electric Google-oo

Hooray for the internets! This site lets you answer people's dumb questions with an animated Google link, but I've found it's even more effective when used to send a passive-aggressive note.

Here are some samples I created for you to send to people who should really know better.

http://tinyurl.com/6f8347
http://tinyurl.com/6nyu2d
http://tinyurl.com/6fe87p
http://tinyurl.com/6drcxh
http://tinyurl.com/6hvev8

Open Letter to Douchebag Old Guy

Dear Douchebag Old Guy,

I'd apologize for not catching your name, but, seeing as you're a douchebag, I wasn't really interested in it.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing you this letter, because again, you're a douchebag, so your douchebaggery is probably completely invisible to you. It's like the dirty, smelly guy in your Statistics class in college. He doesn't know he smells because he just lives with the stink, even though he should know if he never so much as looks at running water that he is probably giving off an odor. Similarly, you live with your douchey ways all day, every day, so why would you notice them?

Now I'm sure you enjoy working out and taking a walk in your neighborhood in the morning. That's cool. Good for you, staying healthy at the ripe old age of ancient. I do have one little piece of advice, though, if I may be so presumptuous. How about you don't dress in the dirty, faded jumpsuit with holes in it and tatters around the ankles. Why, you ask? Well, see, combined with the sunglasses you've probably had since the early '80s, the look of begrudged dickishness you're wearing and the Terminator-style walk directed right at me, in the street no less, you kinda sorta looked like a serial killer.

I only mention this because you seemed so offended when I didn't smile and wave "hello!" like your favorite rerun of Leave it to Beaver, even going so far as to call out a douchey "Well good morning" after you were safely past me. Now, maybe it's just me, but I tend not to engage people who look like they are about to stab me and eat my pancreas in polite conversation. As a matter of fact, I tend to walk as far away from them as possible whilst still heading toward safety, which is exactly what I did.

Now I get that you're not a serial killer, (maybe), so my bad, but when you dress and act like one, you lose the right to be offended when someone draws that conclusion and avoids you. It's like if I went around looking like Santa, then got all douchey and passive-aggressive when you wanted to sit on my lap at Christmas time.

Anyway, just thought you'd like to know.

Peace,
Steve

Comic-Con Night 1 - The Lost Boys 2 World Premiere

If you know me at all, then you know there are three things I like: puppy dogs, receiving a not-guilty ruling, and The Lost Boys. You'd also know that there's a fourth thing, which is that I lie, but I actually am a fan of the 21-year-old cultish vamp-camp flick, The Lost Boys. Last Thursday night, Comic-Con hosted the world premiere of the long-awaited sequel, Lost Boys: The Tribe, and the movie is actually very faithful in spirit to the original without the cheesy direction of Joel Schumacher. I give it a rousing "surprisingly not that crappy" review (I'm no Roger Ebert, but I think my endorsement is way more descriptive than a thumb) and I recommend that you secretly open your neighbor/coworker's outgoing Netflix mail to see if maybe they rented it and if you could sneak a screening before it gets sent back.

Corey Feldman, in full-on non-ironic rock star mode, introduced the film along with the sequel's director PJ Pesce. I think that's Italian for pajama fish.

The straight-to-DVD movie offers some genuine laughs, cheap thrills, way more gore and nudity than the '80s movie and several winky-wink nods to the original. It's just dumb fun. Plus, it costars Corey Feldman reprising his role as Edgar Frog and it boasts cameos by the original's stars, Corey Haim along with that one dude who played the other Frog brother. This time around, the story is about a recently orphaned brother and sister who move to Luna Bay, where they cross paths with the local surfing vampire rebel teens. Instead of being led by Kiefer Sutherland, the new Drac pack is helmed by Angus Sutherland, who's Kiefer's half-brother with a half-as-cool first name.

The movie's stars, Autumn Reeser, Angus Sutherland and Tad Hilgenbrinck. I actually felt just a tad hilgenbrinck'd after watching the premiere.

After the screening, Jamison Newlander and Corey Feldman fielded audience questions in character and in costume as the Frog Brothers. They both deny the existence of a "Corey Haim."

After they gave me free vampire fangs, I felt obligated to promote their movie.

That vampire dude is totally checking out her neck.

I have a theory that Hollywood needs to keep the two Coreys employed because if it doesn't, they'll occupy themselves with something stoopid that'll kill them and the movie industry will have blood on its hands. The same theory holds for Martin Lawrence (which explains the existence of Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins and College Road Trip). Thank you Hollywood for keeping the Coreys alive and I look forward to the License to Drive sequel with a guest appearance by Martin.

7 Hours of Stand-Up: Dane Cook Sets Endurance Record for Being Unfunny

Until this past Wednesday, comedian Dave Chapelle held the record for performing the longest stand-up routine of 6 hours, 12 minutes, but Dane Cook managed to best the time this week with a 7-hour lame-a-thon consisting of the overwrought hipster-babble he likes to pass off as "jokes."

Whether you're enduring the non-side-splitting comedy of Dane or waiting in line at the DMV, seven hours is just way too long of a time to be doing something. It's just a long time to be doing anything, really. Hell, I still haven't seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies just because sometimes I have to go pee. Not everyone can last a marathon session with the Tantric mastery of Sting.

In any case, a 7-hour comedy set is a major feat and I'm not going to deny Mr. Cook his record-setting accomplishment, especially since every hour he spends on stage means that's just one less hour he could be trying to film Employee of the Month 2. In the meantime, Dane is now in the record books for being absolutely humorless for the most consecutive hours, a record previously held by such non-comedic brow-furrowers as Steven Seagal, David Caruso, Don Henley, the Pope, the entire cast of The King of Queens and the weekend manager at your local Hot Topic store.

And... time! Damn, that's just about one minute of me being unfunny. Damn you, Dane Cook.

Celebrities Under the Influence

While tabloid TV shows like Extra are preoccupied with reporting that Anna Nicole is still dead, the real juicy gossip from this past weekend involves celebs and the bottle.

First, David Hasselhoff was shown drunk, on the floor and struggling to eat a hamburger in a videotape more publicly shameful than his appearance in Nick Fury: Agent of Shield.

Talking to a car was the first that hint the 'Hoff had a problem.

The next big bit o' weekend wino gossip is that Ty Pennington, host of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and designer of Sears towels, got busted on suspicion of drunk driving.

What's really noteworthy about the story (besides the fact that Sears reportedly touts "designer" towels) is that the scandal is just begging to be made over with home improvement puns... Ty got hammered! He was drinking a screwdriver! The cops nailed him! He applied some stucco and a faux patina to age up rumpus room! OK, so they're not all winners, but you can at least be guaranteed that if he ends up serving time, his cell will have sweetest racecar bed and beachfront mural in the county. If only Paris Hilton were so handy.

Ty one on!

R.I.P. Sanjaya's American Idol Career

January 16, 2007 - April 18, 2007

Criticize At Your Own Risk

Uwe Boll is a genius. You might not know this auteur director by name, but surely his body of work speaks for itself. That’s right, this man brought you classics like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and most recently, BloodRayne. He, perhaps more than any other force in filmmaking, is dedicated to showcasing the quality stories of hit video game properties on the silver screen.

Now, some backlash is understandable. Gamers are very passionate, often disturbed individuals, and they take their video games very personally. They also have shitty taste in movies, because, if you believe the Internet, they all think Uwe’s movies are “teh suck.” How dare you, nerds? How dare you!

"MeeMee dis is Super Monkey Balls, is sensual, is much dangerous! So many balls, so mittle time! Take off your top...oh. No top, goot, goot, verrrrry goot! Okay dee zombie ninja banana monsters are about to attack! Get your super monkey ball-drainer ready..."

So what is Uwe, a healthy German man of honor to do with all of those Internet nerds and armchair directors? Beat the ever-loving shit out of them. Hells yeah. Honestly, while you might not appreciate Uwe’s works for the modern-day masterpieces that they are, spreading your hateful venom all over the Internet has its consequences, and one of those is a knuckle-sammich, courtesy of the esteemed director.

Now of course the whiny nerds who cry all day about how bad Uwe’s movies are, also piss and moan about “oh, it was s’posed to be a P.R. stunt! I didn’t know he was gonna kick my ass for reals!” Boo-frickin’-hoo, bitches! Guess what—just because you have a virtual set of testicles that allow you to be an asshole on the Internet, doesn’t mean that you are in possession of a real, honest-to-god set of them. You might be the big man in “cyberspace,” but you still have to live in the real world, and in the real world Uwe Boll is richer, stronger and more successful than you are.

So who’s the real loser—the guy who makes cheap movies you don’t like about video games whose stories are shitty to begin with, or the nerd who whines and complains about said movies to make himself seem cool to other nerds…on the Internet? Whose name do more people know? Who makes more money? Who gets hot actresses to take their tops off? Yeah, shut your mouth you emo Internet assholes. Shut your mouth or the "Raging Boll" will shut it for you!

Saved by the Screech

The life of a celebrity must be so hard. There's the long hours, the lack of privacy and the need to fake actual illness in order to cover for partying too damn hard. And as if all of that weren't enough of a hassle, sometimes some crazy bitch tries to steal your videogames!

Despite any sense of justice in the universe, Dustin Diamond aka "Screech" from "Saved by the Bell," has been out of mainstream consciousness for years, but I guess that doesn't stop crazy bitches from being crazy, now does it? I'm sure that, despite his "Surreal Life"-reject celebrity status, even the "D-man" has to deal with this kind of phenomenon all the time, so when the shit hits the fan, he's prepared.

Gimmie yer money or I'll mace you! You're bankrupt? Oh for fuck's sake. Gimmie them videogames, then, Screech. And Zack Morris' phone number.

So beware crazy bitches! If you're skinny enough and can't throw a decent punch, Dustin Diamond will totally kick your girly ass...at Playstation.

David Blaine's Illusions of Grandeur

If there’s anything magical about illusionist David Blaine, it’s that he can trick millions of people into watching him do absolutely nothing. After finishing his 7-day stunt of being submerged in a giant glass sphere with an oxygen mask, Blaine capped his week with an attempt to break the record for breath-holding… on live TV.

Pardon my bubbles.

Personally, I think if you’re going to make a big fuss about breaking a record on live TV, you’d better have a backup magic trick up your sleeve just in case your Guinness attempt falls short. You know, a REAL stunt, like drinking all the backwash and stink juice in that aquarium you’ve been floundering in for a week.

But alas, David didn’t even deliver a magical coup de grace, so when he failed to break the breath-holding record, viewers were essentially left to witness a man accomplish nothing. To see guy not break the record for breath-holding isn’t compelling television. Quite frankly, I can see someone not break the world record for breath-holding every day in every show on TV. In fact, I don’t break that record every single day of my life, but no one’s offering me my own live TV show.

Ta-da! Jason breaks the record for sitting around all day. Again!

I’m not really sure where the “magic” is in David Blaine’s stunts – standing on a platform for over day, sitting in a box over the Thames River for over a month… Sheesh. I try to spend at least half a day at work doing absolutely nothing, so maybe if I philosophize about it in an overly dramatic and deep monotone voice, I might be able to perform that trick on stage in Vegas. But I’m not holding my breath. David didn’t.

Hassled by the 'Hoff

Former Knight Rider and Baywatch star David Hasselhoff sure could use one of those red buoys to bail himself out of the deep trouble he's recently sunken into. With domestic violence claims surrounding him, Hasselhoff's estranged wife Pamela Bach alleges that Dave "grabbed me and pushed me hard into a car."

According to the aforementioned car, however, Bach's claim is untrue. In an exclusive interview, the car has corroborated the Hoff's denial. "David would never hit anyone into my chassis, because he is nothing but... yeeee-haaaaaw," asserted K.I.T.T. while shifting into Turbo Boost. Three seconds and 200 miles per hour later, K.I.T.T. continued, "That's not how David is. You get to know a guy pretty well after he's sat in your bucket seat for a few years."

Artist's rendition of Hasselhoff not being violent

But K.I.T.T. may not be a reliable witness. After his quick rise to stardom in the '80s, K.I.T.T.'s career quickly stalled with the cancellation of Hasselhoff's series, Knight Rider. After several failed attempts to get back into TV (most recently spending all of Season 2 of VH1's The Surreal Life locked in the garage after Vanilla Ice lost the car keys in the swimming pool), K.I.T.T. resorted to selling himself on the streets, renting himself out for "joyrides." K.I.T.T.'s downward spiral eventually led to several questionable appearances on the cover of "Lowrider" and other magazines that feature hoochies squatting on car hoods.

Could K.I.T.T.'s claims be a desperate ploy for attention? Possibly. His statements were carefully timed for his TV comeback as the midseason love interest in Jake in Progress starring Full House's John Stamos, but, sadly, that show was canceled a little too soon.

"This is no publicity stunt," K.I.T.T. asserted as he engaged Stealth Mode. "Oh, crap," he added while dousing his windshield with super high-tech Windex. "I'm like totally late for my appearance at the county fair. Gotta pay the bills. Gas ain't cheap, y'know."

Yanni: Reflections of Downtown

New Age or New Rage? On Friday, March 10, new age keyboard tinkler Yanni was arrested in Florida for allegedly hitting his girlfriend. Now, domestic violence is no laughing matter, but you've gotta allegedly admit that Yanni getting taken downtown is a pretty funny thought.

Did he insist that his mugshot make him look introspective, complete with hair blowing in the wind and eyes cast downward? His rap sheet would read, "First name: Yanni. Last name: None. Eyes: Smoldering."

Guilty or not, Yanni must be a lawyer's dream. I submit to the court Exhibit A: the complete Yanni collection on CD. Would the guy responsible for such snoozers titled "Almost a Whisper," "Whispers in the Dark" and "Written in the Wind" risk his pansy mustache getting thrown in the clink? If you're capable of writing "Reason for Rainbows," could you possibly be capable of violence? Answer: Only if there was a war in unicorn town.


In his defense, Yanni issued this statement through his manager: "These allegations are cruel, false, without merit and baseless. At a more appropriate time and place, I hope and pray I will have an opportunity to address my fans and colleagues all over the world." Now, that doesn't sound like the dew-drenched dreamwoven statement I'd expect from an epic soundscaper like Yanni.

If I were his manager, I'd release a more new age statement: "Of chantilly ribbons have these allegations been made, for they are flimsy and full of holes. Upon gossamer wings shall justice soar and so shall Yanni's name be cleared like storm-beaten clouds in the wake of the sun's return. Dare to dream!" Now, that's a Yanni that should be put behind bars.