Liveblogging the Oscars 2008

Once again I am keeping this post in chronological order due to laziness and the fact that we didn't tell anyone that we were doing this. Besides, I am putting times on so you can figure out what's what.

5:26: Yeah so I didn't feel like bothering with the pre-show. I mostly didn't watch it, because it was super boring and sucky.

Tho Regis did just call Javier Bardem "Xavier Bardem" so that was pretty good.

5:30 This is a kind of awful...no, really awful opening. A CG Hollywood with a truck driving thru it, and all types of characters from movies appearing on the streets. The effects don't work for me, and really, neither does the concept. Apparently our governor drives the UPS-style truck that delivers the statuettes. That part, 100% accurate. It's weird when Hollywood lets a little reality enter into the fantasy.

5:33 Jon Stewart makes the obligatory comments about the strike. Out of respect for the writers, I'll strike any comments I have about all this.

5:38 Oh Diablo Cody, way to pay tribute to your stripper past via your Oscar dress.

5:39 Did there really have to be an opening monologue? Couldn't they have taken a pass on it this year due to time constraints?

5:40 Okay, that was actually a good joke about female and Black presidents signifying it's the future in movies.

5:42 I like seeing the sketches for costume design. I LOVE seeing the crazy getups the costume designers often put themselves in. My, but costume designers are unique souls. The lady who did Elizabeth: The Golden Age wins.

Is this bit o' Oscar history (for some reason I started typing "Shitory") with Barbara Streisand is a glimpse of what would have been? Or is it really just 'cause it's the 80th anniversary? Yes to both? I actually like the shitory uh history stuff. Why do I keep typing that? What's wrong with me?

5:48 I like the touch of glimmer in George Clooney's suit.

5:51 The new media joke was cute enough and was that iPhone deal a product placement or whut?

5:53 Well I guess that Get Smart move will be AWESOME just look at the chemistry between Carell and Hathaway! Ratatouille wins Animated Feature.

5:57 Too much blush Katherine Heigl! And when presenting a Makeup award! No wonder you were nervous. The peeps from La Vie En Rose win.

6:08 The Visual Effects category presented by Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock, Motherfuckers, I'm a Serious Actor Now" Johnson. The dudes who worked on The Golden Compass win.

6:11 There's really nothing bitchy to say about Art Direction. It's weird, you know, for any movie with any type of budget, I have to feel sorry for the artists who do things like Art Direction, makeup, really everything except direction, writing and acting, because they generally do a good job and then it's in support of a movie like Thirteen Ghosts or some shit. It's got to be kind of shitty to be them sometimes, all that work for what is truly just a big pile of crap. Anyway, the peeps for Sweeney Todd win.

6:15 Supporting Actor. I love the smug look you sometimes get from actors when they cut back to them after showing a clip of their performance during these damn things. How about that look from Philip Seymour Hoffman, like they just listed off the number of starving AIDS babies and grandmothers he saved with the power of his fucking mind instead of just showing some shitty scene from Charlie Wilson's War. I bet he thought he was acting all humble and shit.

Javier Bardem wins. I bet whoever has to transcribe the acceptance speeches is saying "Fuck You Javier Bardem, this is no country for giving a speech in Spanish" right about now. Aww.

6:23 Ahh, so I guess all these history things were gonna be the bulk of the show had the strike continued. Glad that's cleared up.

6:28 Somehow this movie August Rush completely slipped by me. I can't say I feel too bad about that.

6:28 (but later) Brave Owen Wilson presents the Live Action Short Film category. Brave because there are a lot of foreign names and whatev, but also becuz he tried to kill himself or something but he still gets up there and does it, man, he's doin' his thing. Some dude with some movie about Le Mozart des Pickpockets wins.

6:32 Animated Short Film...is it me or is there a Peter and the Wolf thing like every few years? I feel that's true with nothing to back it up. It wins, anyway.

6:35 Best Supporting Actress. What the hell kind of reaction was Ruby Dee giving there after her clip played? She looked, as the British say, "gobsmacked." Or something. Tilda Swinton wins. There are a lot of one-armed dresses in effect this year. Hers is very scary and frumptacular. Her speech is pretty good tho, with the Batman suit joke and whatev. Also, she is so extra white. Amazingly, brilliantly white. Skeery.

6:46 You know who isn't hot? James McAvoy. You know who else? Josh Brolin. I am LOVING these images of most of the nominees typing to show that they were writing the scripts for Adapted Screenplay. Joel and Ethan Coen win.

6:51 John Travolta says "Hither to this point." Which, I mean, who talks like that? And then someone, I don't know who, says "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you" which is one of my least favorite things that people say. I really hate that.

6:53 Miley Cyrus!!! For the kids in the heezy!! You know she just legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus (from Destiny Hope Cyrus). The "Ray" is a tribute to her daddy. Or whatever. You know what's a better tribute to your daddy? Keeping the fucking name he gave you.

Note to self: change name.

7:03 The Bourne Ultimatum peoples win for Best Sound Editing. Rad ponytail, sound editor dude!

7:05 Look! Sound Mixers at work! My GOD that's fascinating! They like, look really intense into space and you can tell they're thinking and really working, man, and then they push things on a board and then they look at each other to say, "Well mixed, my friend. Well mixed." Different Bourne Ultimatum peoples win this one.

7:10 Are people still wearing AIDS ribbons, Julie Christie? Just asking. Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress.

7:18 Wii product placement? Colin Farrell glides onstage like the graceful Irish pixie he is to introduce Irishy song stuff.

7:23 Is anyone else tired of Jack Nicholson or is it just me?

7:30 The Bourne Ultimatum dude wins for Editing.

7:42 Those at least partially Irish peeps win for the song from Once. I missed a couple of awards, I think. Suck it up. I have a life, you know. Stop riding my ass, geez. Go here to see a full list o' stuff: Oscar.com

7:57 That's nice that Jon Stewart let the Once chick finish her thank-yous.

8:00 Dude for There Will Be Blood wins for Cinematography. Hey, if they wanted me to know their names they'd be better looking and would do something important, like speak lines other people write.

8:09 Original Score: Atonement dude wins.

8:13 The nominees for Documentary Short are trying to act like it's an honor for these soldiers to be presenting their award but inside they are seething. Seething! They wanted at least a Jonah Hill or a Marlee Matlin. Me, I think nobodies awarding to, well, nobodies is kinda appropriate. And now they see Tom Hanks--Tom FUCKING OSCAR WINNER Hanks is giving the full-length documentaries their award. Well, not cool. Taxi to the Dark Side wins for Documentary. (Freeheld won Documentary Short.)

8:25 Diablo Cody wins for writing Juno. I am not so sure if that is a good thing for her career or not. Is it ok to hate her? I forget. I mean not that I hate her, why would I hate her? I love strippers, I love screenwriters, I love brunettes, I love ladies with tattoos of ladies.

I hate her.

Oh just kidding, I'm only jealous. Insanely jealous. I'm jealous of a lot of people. I think that's a sin. Or something.

8:35 Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor. His haircut wins Best Piece of Shit Haircut on a Man Who Can Afford a Good Fucking Haircut.

8:44 Joel and Ethan Coen win Best Director(s). I added the (s). They seem like fun dudes. I hate them, too. Just kidding. (See above, 8:25.)

8:46 No Country for Old Men wins Best Picture. That's nice.

So that's it really. Another Oscars over, thank goodness those nasty writers came to their senses so it wasn't all ruined and shit. Writers are so mean, that's the take home message this year.

Can't look away from the Oscarnage

As wannabe Hollywood insiders (read: douches in training) it seemed only natural that we should liveblog the Oscars from our unbelievably close perch approximately 22 blocks away from the Academy Awards' epicenter (and one of our favorite Chinese joints, incidentally). Yep, we're close enough to hear the helicopters overhead, then hear them again a moment later on the preshow. Take that, flyover states!

I know some people like it when the latest post is at the top for liveblogging...well, fuck y'all, I'm not gonna do it one way then reverse it for posterity. Deal with it.

5:08 Steve is killing me with his extremely strong opinions on what the ladies are wearing. He's got a bit of the Seacrest in him. I was going to make a penis in ass joke here, but I didn't, becuz the Oscars is classy.

Steve's likes: Jennifer Lopez and Reese Witherspoon's dresses.

Steve's observations on fashion: Cameron Diaz looks like hell. Hate the hair, hate the makeup, hate the dress. The earrings are ok. Reese Witherspoon's hair color is awful, he hates that dark roots with blonde hair look. And he can't believe people aren't calling Nicole Kidman on her bullshit red bow on shoulder disaster. He also hates when people like Penelope Cruz pull their hair back, because a lot of the actresses have too angular features and you really need a softer, rounder face to make that look work.

We've both noticed a lot of people are rocking the cool-toned light brown hair that I've had for a few years now. God you fucking Hollywood bitches, quit fucking copying me!

5:22 Oh Marky Mark, I think we all know why you weren't in a Martin Scorsese film any sooner. He knew that peepee you were showing off in Boogie Nights was fake.

5:24 Did that ugly, wooden broad from Lucky Magazine just call Guillermo del Toro, Alfonso Cuaron and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu "The Three Amigos?" Oh ha ha three Mexicans at the Oscars, and none with a broom! Delightful. If we cover you in cinnamon sugar, Guillermo del Toro will eat you alive, bitch.

5:31 I'm hating this seemingly Mac commercial-inspired opening sequence. Too long, not cute, is this supposed to be funny? Oh, Helen Mirren (naughty link NSFW), Steve said earlier he'd stuff her ballot box, if you get my meaning. That means he would fuck her.

5:35 Thank God they're spotlighting everyone who's nominated. They really don't get enough credit. Except for this big fucking award show. And the Governor's Ball afterward. And the increased paychecks from the cachet of being nominated. Are there still gift bags? I think there are, they just need to pay taxes on them (wink).

5:37 Jason (who's working right now, ha ha ha sucker) says this year's Oscar theme is "Green Oscars" or something. This is the green Oscars? Hence the arrivals in hybrid cars. Oh, you mean they didn't show that on your TV, either? Yeah. Wicked. I hope you're happy, Al Gore. P.S. I like Ellen's daring dark red velvet pantsuit. The shoes, maybe not. She sort of looks like the red velvet cupcake I had the other day. Ellen is my little cupcake.

5:41 I am having a hard time paying attention to the opening monologue. That Blacks, gays and Jews joke/follow-up Oscar joke was actually pretty funny, tho.

5:45 The first award--Art Direction. Oh, Jason was right, they did shuffle the traditional order of awards. He says because the producers of the show felt the big ones this year are the supporting actor categories that usually lead the show, if they lead with them, people would tune out early. So, there you go. Speaking of Jason, he's on to an early lead in our small Oscar pool, having picked Pan's Labyrinth as the winner.

5:53 Will Ferrel's white man fro is making my girl parts tingle. Or, the bleach I used to clean the bathroom really is as toxic as I thought it might be...since my girl parts are like, so not the only things tingling.

5:55 Jack Black thinks Helen Mirren is hot, too. See, Steve, it's OK I outed you. I like this little comedy song thing. Did I just earn my Hollywood Douche Card? Pwease?!?

5:58 The makeup award goes to Pan's Labyrinth. Jason called it. We now think he was holding out on us, the little bitch. We were at the Silver Spoon (A QT hangout! Douche Card?) filling out our ballot things and we had only one pen and he was all "Wah, I don't know what to pick, you guys go first." Yeah right, you bastard.

6:01 Kids and Oscars go together like peanut butter and jelly...like hamburgers and french fries...hell, like kids and rape scenes. Uh-oh, Jaden messed up, Will is probably okay with that but Jada don't play. None of us picked The Danish Poet for Animated Short. West Bank Story wins for Live Action Short, which Steve and I picked and Jason said would totally not win. Whatev, Jason.

6:13 I think we're all pretty confused about this sound effects choir, including those in the audience. Failed joke? Real thing? Dunno. Oh, well.

6:15 Sound Editing...Letters from Iwo Jima. It is usually a war movie that wins this shit. Sound Mixing...Dreamgirls. I like how they're illustrating what these categories mean with visuals because I'm sure people think it should just be one Goddamn category.

6:22 Supporting Actor. What kind of clip is that from Little Children? Dude comes out of a pool, yelling? Maybe someone doesn't like that dude. Alan Arkin wins. Eddie Murphy is putting on a good face, but I think I caught a microexpression of surprise. Steve is gloating because even tho he didn't pick Arkin, he was certain Eddie Murphy would not win. He thinks we owe him something for knowing that.

I think the bendy people acting out the Best Picture nominees thing is sort of cute. Steve hates them and thinks things like this should be cut, not acceptance speeches. He doesn't get that they have to put on a show. His Douche Card is so not in the mail.

6:36 Hollywood is Al Gore's dirty little bitch. How else can you explain Current TV still being on the air? They're talking about the green Oscars now. Yeah, nothing wasteful about a huge show like this. No way.

6:42 Ellen's a decent host. Oh, who doesn't like insertion of the animated characters into the audience? Oh, look, reaction shots! Ahahahaha. Golly, gee, how did they do that? It looks soooo real. Happy Feet wins the Animated Feature category.

6:45 A tribute to writers. Oh, please, anyone can write. The internet is proof of that.

6:49 What do you think they'll do with that bitchin' crystal curtain? Sparkly.

6:50 Best Adapted Screenplay--they're reading from the scripts over the scene from the movie, then continuing the scene from the movie only. My God, it's like, movie magic. Someone writes this stuff? Even the visual stuff? Get out of here right now. The Departed wins. The announcer person just called Infernal Affairs a Japanese movie. Um. Awesome.

7:00 Costume design. This is nice, having the costumes there. Marie Antoinette wins. Yeah, those are pretty sweet.

7:13 Cinematography. Pan's Labyrinth. Yeah, I have only gotten two right, including this one. I'm sucking.

7:21 Visual Effects. Pirates of the Caribbean. The factoids they're occasionally giving out about the winners are dumb. The winner's joke about being blind and from the Bronx--hilarious! The Bronx sucks! Hah! It makes you blind and unfunny.

7:25 Do they always get foreigners to give out the Best Foreign Language Film award? Because they should. Because they're foreign films. Americans don't see those and don't care. Well, if one had like a lot of boobies in it, maybe. Les Boobies du Matin or some shit. I adore Cate Blanchett's dress. It has boobies in it, that's why I care. The Lives of Others won, in case you do care.

7:33 Has George Clooney had work done recently? He looks fantastic. As fresh and dewy as Abigail Breslin. Jennifer Hudson won. She's pretty dewy, too. Beyonce's reaction shot--the best acting she's ever, ever done. Oh, Jennifer Hudson. That last-minute shout-out to Jennifer Holliday...you're keepin' it for really real, girl.

7:40 A Dancing With the Stars promo just implied that dancing with one fake leg is the "ultimate dance challenge." Or...does that mean she doesn't get to wear the prosthetic leg in the competition? Because I would so watch that.

7:43 The Blood of Yingzhou District wins the Documentary Short category. Steve wonders aloud if they have to let people give speeches for categories nobody cares about. Oh my little Steve. He's so cute.

7:47 Best Documentary Feature. Let's see if Hollywood really is Al Gore's dirty little bitch. Um, yep. An Inconvenient Truth wins. Larry David is a big environmentalist, which is why they cut to him for a reaction shot, in case you're wondering. Show directors do that sort of thing. (That Hollywood Douche Card must be in the mail now.)

7:51 Jason says Ennio Morricone is pissed he's getting an honorary Oscar because he rather liked being in the company of those who were never given an Oscar. I see his point. But truly, he's now in the company of greats like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon (Screenplay), Hoppy Goldberg (Supporting Actress) and the guy who wrote "You Light Up My Life." So. Yeah. Good company either way.

8:08 Babel wins for Original Score. Latino power! That's why I'm the one liveblogging. It's our year.

8:11 Didn't Kirsten Dunst used to have tits? Like, pretty decent tits? Isn't that why white guys (and pretty much only white guys) think she's hot? The tittays? Original Screenplay. They're doing the reading trick, which Steve rather likes. I guess it's nice that they are illustrating some of the--ah--boring-er categories for the plebs and all. Like Steve. Little Miss Sunshine wins. Jason and I are tied at 7 correct guesses each. Steve's rocking in at 5. We are sucking on this one.

8:23 Steve says that losing the Oscar was the kind of loss Eddie Murphy can only soothe by the killing of hookers. Yeah, I think we've all been there. Oh look, Jennifer Hudson's bra appears to be showing a bit. Scandal! Oh no, not a choir. Please, no. Didn't we all collectively get over that in the 90s?

8:28 Melissa Etheridge is also Al Gore's dirty little bitch. She won for Best Song, tho. Upset! You all thought something from Dreamgirls was gonna win, didn't ya? Yeah, we did, too.

8:36 Will Smith is just magical because it looks like at any moment his ears will start flapping, at first like a butterfly and then faster, like a hummingbird, and take him up to heaven where he must have come from. I think that's why America loves him so.

8:40 Kate Winslet is wearing mint green. A couple of broads are. Beyonce was, anyway. Why? It's ugly. Actually, Kate's dress might be closer to a pastel version of lime green. Sage? Whatever, still ugly. Film Editing category. Thelma Schoonmaker. Damn, I shoulda picked her. I thought about it.

8:45 Time for, as Steve calls it, The March of the Dead People. 'Bout halfway thru and James Doohan is winning--God finally beamed him up. Robert Altman, the last person, totally won, but the clapping was subdued throughout, even for people like Peter Boyle. Huh. Green Oscars, you have a lot to answer for. Does clapping for the dead increase your carbon footprint? I guess it must. Damn you, Al Gore!

8:54 Helen Mirren wins Best Actress. Um, why does Meryl Streep dress like that? Like she's a drama teacher or a psychotherapist? Huh? Anyone?

9:04 (Or so.) Forest Whitaker wins Best Actor. Man, what the fuck is he talking about with lifetimes and shit? That whole speech was just...I totally couldn't listen.

9:07 I think everyone in the world knew this was Martin Scorsese's year, including whoever picked the presenters. This Best Director gets a standing O and big cheers from the audience. That's nice, actually. Somehow, I don't think they'll be playing him off as he runs at the mouth in that adorably New Yawk way.

9:14 The Departed wins Best Picture. Final tallies: Steve with eight right and Jason and Jenni tying for the win with a pathetic 11 correct each. Together, we only correctly picked the winners of 15 of the 24 categories.

Hm. Maybe I shoulda told someone I was doing this liveblogging thing, since it's maybe more interesting in the moment. Oh, well.

Backstage at the Oscar Nominations Announcement

The Oscar nominations were announced by Salma Hayek and her funny bangs at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in Beverly Hills this past Tuesday. I got to attend the event, but the only real dirt I can dish from being there was that I shared an elevator with Salma and that she was all weepy and emotional before the event in her "dressing room" (the restroom on the 7th floor of AMPAS). People speculate that she was teary-eyed because she was happy to find out pal Penelope Cruz had earned a nomination. It's either that or she just heard that Adam Sandler's Click had somehow scored an Oscar nod.

Find the eight things in this picture that won't be winning an Oscar this year.
Hint: Seven of them are pictured in the posters on the wall, while one of them thought a YouTube "Adorable Kittens" montage warranted consideration from the Academy.

Now that the nominations are out, here's a quick rundown of this year's picks:

Babel
I haven't seen it, but I think it's like an international version of Crash.

United 93
Too soon? No, Oliver Stone returning to moviemaking with World Trade Center right after making Alexander is too soon.

Supporting Actress

Jennifer Hudson has now become the first veteran of American Idol to be validated by Hollywood's top honor

Supporting Actor

Same goes for Mark Wahlberg, but replace "American Idol" with "The Funky Bunch"

Borat

Members of the press actually groaned when this nomination was announced. Snobs. When I see a movie that celebrates dildos as artificial limbs, Baywatch as masturbation material, naked man-on-man wrestling and poop in a baggie, it smells like Oscar to me. I suppose it also smells like poop in a baggie, but still.

Previously Nominated Actresses

Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett all got nominated. Again. I haven't bothered to see any of their movies. Again. Women who are British or could be mistaken for British always have a good chance at getting nominated.

Movie Titles
Little Miss Sunshine, No Time for Nuts, Happy Feet, Children of Men and The Queen. They could be nominated films, but they more likely sound like titles in a gay porno Netflix queue.

Apocalypto

Insert anti-semitic Mel Gibson joke here.

An Inconvenient Truth

Al Gore has a good shot at starring in a winner since this year's nominations don't include documentaries on 'tards, cancer kids or the Holocaust. Insert anti-semitic Mel Gibson joke here.


Special contest! Submit a comment and identify the movie posters pictured in the photo above. The first commenter to get all seven correct or whoever has identified the most movie posters in the next week will become Blogger of the Month! It's an honor almost as prestigious as the Oscar for Best Sound Editing!
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Magic 8 Ball's Oscar Results

The Oscar results are in, and it looks like our Magic 8 Ball's predictions were a bit off. The ol' ball correctly predicted that Reese would win, but the 3-way tie it foretold between Heath Ledger, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix wasn't meant to be.

The Magic 8 Ball almost chose Crash as the movie of the year, but it never would've picked that flick, since it turns out that the 8 Ball is a huge, huge fan of Brokeback Mountain.

"I wish I knew how to quit you!" "Reply hazy. Try again."

Answers to our readers' questions for the Magic 8 Ball:

kybruno1: "Do these people need to get out more?"
Magic 8 Ball: My Sources Say No

kimnrowdy: "Will New York win on "Flavor or Love"?
Magic 8 Ball: You May Rely On It

kimnrowdy: "If New York wins, will they be divorced within a year?"
Magic 8 Ball: Don't Count On It

Magic 8 Ball's Oscar Predictions

The Oscars are on this Sunday, so we consulted the Magic 8 Ball on the big three categories. We asked it 5 times for each nominee, and its predictions actually seem in line with prevailing opinion. Pretty spooky, considering the 8 Ball’s favorite movie of 2005 was Must Love Dogs.

Best Picture

Brokeback Mountain - 80%
Yes, Yes, Yes, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Capote - 0%
My Sources Say No, Cannot Predict Now, Outlook Not So Good, Cannot Predict Now, Don't Count On It

Crash - 20%
Better Not Tell You Now, Ask Again Later, Concentrate and Ask Again, Yes, Very Doubtful

Good Night, and Good Luck - 60%
Without a Doubt, Outlook Good, My Sources Say No, As I See It Yes, Better Not Tell You Now

Munich - 60%
Yes, Without a Doubt, Reply Hazy Try Again, Outlook Good, My Sources Say No


Best Actress

Judi Dench - 40%
Concentrate and Ask Again, Concentrate and Ask Again, Concentrate and Ask Again, It Is Decidedly So, It Is Certain

Felicity Huffman- 0%
Ask Again Later, Cannot Predict Now, Very Doubtful. Better Not Tell You Now, My Reply Is No

Keira Knightley - 40%
As I See It Yes, Very Doubtful, As I See It Yes, My Sources Say No, Outlook Not So Good

Charlize Theron - 20%
Cannot Predict Now, My Reply Is No, My Sources Say No, As I See It Yes, Don't Count On It

Reese Witherspoon - 60%
It Is Certain, Yes, My Sources Say No, You May Rely On It, Outlook Not So Good


Best Actor

Philip Seymour Hoffman - 60%
My Reply Is No. My Reply Is No, Most Likely, You May Rely On It, It Is Decidedly So

Terrence Howard - 40%
Better Not Tell You Now, Reply Hazy Try Again, Yes, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Heath Ledger - 60%
You May Rely On It, Without a Doubt, My Reply Is No, Concentrate and Ask Again, Most Likely

Joaquin Phoenix - 60%
Cannot Predict Now, Outlook Good, Without a Doubt, Ask Again Later, It Is Decidedly So

David Strathairn - 40%
It Is Decidedly So, Better Not Tell You Now, Don't Count On It, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Got a question for the Magic 8 Ball? Post a comment with your Yes-or-No Question or email it to handsintheairmail@gmail.com, and we'll post the answers according to our balls!