Braff Balls

I love the WENN celeb news on IMDb. More often then not, they will have an extra-special angle on the story or a small but incredibly juicy detail that makes their version of the same ol' celeb item better than the ones on the millions of other outlets that are carrying the story.

A couple weeks back, they had a story about Zach Braff and Mandy Moore's much-anticipated and highly overdue breakup. I mean like, what the hell was Mandy Moore thinking? I know she's young but damn, lady. Zach Braff is grossiosso. Have you no eyes, Mandy? Have you no ears? Have you no shame?

So great, good news, amen. But then at the very end of the story, WENN gives you that one excellent detail that makes it all that much more satisfying. And here I quote the story:

The 31-year-old Garden State star has wasted no time moving on, he was recently seen partying with pals at Hollywood hot spot Hyde on June 8 and unsuccessfully romancing Jessica Simpson.

Oh HELL yes. Note the completely unveiled contempt in the way it's stated: "unsuccessfully romancing Jessica Simpson." Love it. So basically this Chick-fil-A-Hole, fresh off his had-to-have-been-a-goddamn-fluke-or-I-don't-get-this-world-at-all romance with pop tart Mandy Moore, now believes that he can play doctor with any hot little thang who catches his fancy. Zach Braff tried to pick up Jessica Simpson. You think about that for a minute. That ain't right. This mofo must be crazy full of himself to think he can bag Jessica Simpson. I don't even think she's all that hot but she's certainly WAY too hot for him. And too famous.

After having several weeks of nightmares about the subject, I decided to purge my brain by imagining how the Briff-Braff's unsuccessful romancing of Miss Simpson prolly went down.

"Hey, Jessica, how you doin'. Don't be shy--you know you want a little of this cock-a-doodle-doo. Have another drink and sit in my lap, baby!"

"Um, this is the VIP area. And waiters aren't supposed to talk to VIPs. One call to my dad and he'll totally have you fired. He knows the owners."

"Jess, babe. It's me!"

"Um. Okay? I so don't know you. Please stop talking to me."

"Zach Braff."

"'Kay. Is that supposed to mean something? I don't know the names of, no offense, the short and ugly and poor writers or producers or whatever you think you are. Could you, like, leave? Your nose--no it's your whole face--totally grosses me out."

"Zach. Braff. I'm totally famous. Scrubs? You've heard of Scrubs! Garden State!"

"I don't watch educational TV or whatever."

"I'm a HOT ACTOR! I dated Mandy Moore for crying out loud!"

"Um, gross. That has to be a lie. Can you go away now?"

"Okay, wait, you must know me from something. I play the puppy in those toilet paper commercials. And Chicken Little."

"I can see you playing baby animals. You're certainly short enough. Okay bye now!"

"Entertainment Weekly LOVES ME!!"

"Daddy? It's Jess. Daddy, this gross little waiter guy is totally bothering me. Can you call the club owner and..."

"Yeah um, well I gotta bounce, Jess. Raincheck on the drink? Stay hot, baby. And see Chicken Little, you'll dig it. I'll call you. Later, sweet tits."

"Thank God he's gone. Omigod, CaCee! What took you so long in the bathroom? This little troll would NOT leave me alone. He said he used to date Mandy Moore which like, is she even still famous but even if she is, like she would ever date a freakin' little doof doof like that."

"I told you to come to the bathroom but you were all no, I have to show Nick and the world that I am Miss Independent Woman or whatever."

"You were right, CaCee. Never again. I think we should go--I feel like I need to take like 20 showers."