2006 in Review, Part 1

There's less than a week left in 2006, so it's time to take a look back at the past 360-odd days. Here are some of my random picks for the highlights and lowlights of '06:

Disturbing Trend of the Year:
Authors without Shame

• Bestselling author James Frey admits to Oprah that he fabricated his memoir, A Million Little Pieces
  
  
• How Harvard student Kaavya Viswanathan plagiarized a novel, lost a movie deal and got caught
  
  
• Jason, Jenni, Steve and Chris begin writing this blog and launch a companion podcast

Even Father Time wastes half a checkbook making that stupid mistake.

Silliest New Words of the Year:

• "Firecrotch"
• "SexyBack"
• "Suri Cruise"
  

Best New Phrases of the Year:

• "Sugartits" - Mel Gibson
• "Ching-chong, ching-chong, Danny deVito, ching-chong, ching-chong, The View" - Rosie O'Donnell.
  
  As a real-life Ching-Chongese-American, I think Rosie's interpretation of the language is almost as good as my fat lesbian imitation: "Lilith Fair, Lilith Fair, porkchops, Indigo Girls, Indigo Girls, all-you-can-eat buffet."

Worst New Phrases of the Year:

• "Lock the Cashbox/Stop the Catbox"
  This is from that dumb phone ad where two guys are singing the wrong lyrics to The Clash's "Rock the Casbah." Somehow they managed to download the song by name, but they still couldn't make the connection that the title lyric was being sung in the chorus. That's just lazy joke writing, Madison Avenue.
  
  
• "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"
  NBC's motto for Heroes didn't quite turn out to be the t-shirt/bumper sticker slogan it was hyped to be. No matter how many times the phrase was ominously whispered at the end of the show with eerie reverb effects, it still sounded superstupid rather than superheroic.

Annoying Trend of the Year:
Random people making awful Borat impressions
The real Borat is funny, but why do unfunny people insist on imitating him? Very niiice? No, not at all.

Baffling Movie Phenomenon of the Year:
High School Musical
I have no idea why a story about singing co-eds became one of the biggest TV movies and DVDs of the year

Movie Phenomenon of the Year That Wasn't:
Snakes on a Plane
The movie delivered everything it promised! What more do you want, America? Singing snakes in varsity jackets?

Best Song of the Year:
"Phantom Limb" - The Shins
The full album, Wincing the Night Away, doesn't come out until January 23, 2007, but the lead single is already my favorite song of this year

15 Favorite Albums of the Year:

1. The Life Pursuit - Belle & Sebastian
2. Hearts and Unicorns - Giant Drag
3. Everything All the Time - Band of Horses
4. The Crane Wife - The Decemberists
5. Mr. Beast - Mogwai
6. Cansei de Ser Sexy - CSS
7. Carnavas - Silversun Pickups
8. You in Reverse - Built to Spill
9. The Electricity in Your House Wants to Sing - i am robot and proud
10. Show Your Bones - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
11. Duper Sessions - Sondre Lerche and the Faces Down Quartet
12. I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass - Yo La Tengo
13. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
14. The Audience's Listening - Cut Chemist
15. The Eraser - Thom Yorke

Some Notable Deaths in 2006:
James Brown, Gerald Ford, Steve Irwin, Joseph Barbera, Coretta Scott King, Aaron Spelling, Don Knotts, Lou Rawls, Chris Penn, Robert Altman, Peter Boyle, Mickey Spillane, Desmond Dekker, Shelley Winters, Dennis Weaver, Peter Benchley, Darren McGavin, Jack Palance, Oleg Cassini, Buck Owens, Billy Preston, Wilson Pickett, Eddie the dog from TV's Frasier, Maureen Stapleton, H.R. Pufnstuf kid Jack Wild, Gerald Levert, Mike Douglas, Tamara Dobson (Cleopatra Jones), Syd Barrett, The Breakfast Club principal Paul Gleason, Ed Bradley, Chef on South Park, UPN, The WB

Britney Spears' To-Do List 2007:
Learn how to be a good mom
Learn how to pick a good husband
Learn how to wear panties in public

______

Scariest Halloween Ideas Ever

It’s finally October, and that means two things depending on who you are:

1. If you’re a mulleted DJ at the local Zoo/Edge/Kiss/Star radio station, it’s Rocktober and the month of Double-Shot Thursdays.

2. If you're anybody else, it’s time for Halloween.

Don't give toothbrushes out for Halloween. That’s not a treat.
That’s like giving out burn kits to kids on the 4th of July.

To guarantee that this Halloween is pants-pissingly scary (October’s already off to a frightening start with the revelation of the Screech sex tape and the fact that two Ashton Kutcher movies opened at the top of this weekend’s box office), I’m giving you my suggestions for making the spookiest haunted house ever...

When trick-or-treaters visit, have a youngster answer the door. Here are some scary costume suggestions for what the tot should be dressed as:

• Steve Irwin (wear a khaki outfit and "accessorize" with a sting ray barb)

• John Mark Karr (wear a short-sleeve maroon button-up shirt that’s two sizes too big and hike up your pants above your stomach, then pretend you did it)

• A Zombie (dress up as Katie Holmes, then act like Tom is around)

After the kid answers the door, have the child let the trick-or-treaters into the kitchen, where your guests will be left to wait. Then, you pop out from behind a curtain in the kitchen and say, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.”

It's more effective than saying "Boo!" But be careful – those aren’t Snickers bars you'll see plopping on the linoleum.

“Let me read you this transcript: ‘Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.’ You really think that's appropriate to say to a child?”

For those of you who don’t know, Chris Hansen hosts a recurring hidden-camera sting operation on Dateline called “To Catch a Predator,” in which he ambushes online pervs who’ve been lured to suburban kitchens for what they think is a sure thing with an underage kid. Instead, they get their Gymboree-chasin’ pants scared off of them when a news reporter comes out and punks them into a 20-year stint in prison. It’s the best show on television, and you can catch it every Friday at 9pm when you’re not rockin’ like a hurricane to a double dose of The Scorpions this Rocktober.

The Elusive Suri Photographed; Bigfoot Totally Jealous

Well, I'll be. That fake baby of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is actually real. Baby Suri's appearance on the cover of this October's Vanity Fair proves it (now available in Los Angeles & New York; available nationwide on September 12).

It looks like a kid, but I'm convinced it's a little puppy in a baby costume. (You can use that idea for a calendar for free, Anne Geddes.)

Jenni points out that the baby looks sorta Asian in some of the pictures. I maintain that it's an attempt to ride out the whole "ethnic baby" craze started by the Jolie-Pitts.

Another notable baby observation is that The King of Queens costar and fellow Scientologist Leah Remini wasn't bluffing when she claimed seeing the celebritot early on, describing Suri as "a newborn" and "normal size." Sure enough, Vanity Fair proves that Suri is indeed baby-sized and just born. I just wish I could paint pictures as vividly as Leah was able to, but alas, I come up short when I merely describe her sitcom as "unfunny" and "30 minutes too long."

One last rugrat observation: Is it just me or does it look like that baby's wearing a toupee? With a 'do like that, Suri could totally play a bouncing little Tom Hanks in a Da Vinci Code prequel. This fake baby is totally gonna go places.

Holy Moses & Other Crazy Baby Names!

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay's Chris Martin just welcomed their second child this weekend, so now li'l Apple has a new baby brother named Moses. And now Nicolas Cage's new baby Kal-El will have someone to share the ridicule served up by more normal-named Hollywood kids like "Scout," "Rumer" and "Frankie Muniz."

Baby Moses, it turns out, was named after a Coldplay song that Chris wrote for Gwyneth. I guess the kid could've been named "Clocks" or "Yellow," but I still love how stoopid the tot's name is. To that end, I'm presenting a list of potential baby names for the current batch of stars who have buns in the ovens. And like Moses, these baby monikers are named after movies or other stuff by the celeb parents.

Tomb Raider Pitt? Collateral Cruise?

SUGGESTED BABY NAMES

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Snatch
The Mexican
Johnny Suede
Tomb Raider
Mr. Smith
Mrs. Smith
The Bone Collector
Seven
Kalifornia

Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise
Mrs. Tingle
The Firm
Collateral
First Daughter
Cocktail
Rain Man
Magnolia
Vanilla Sky
Maverick

Gwen Stefani & Gavin Rossdale
Bush
Hollaback
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
Machinehead
Glycerine

Rachel Weisz & Darren Aronofsky
The Mummy
Pi
The Mummy Returns

Mariska Hargitay & Some Random Dude
Law
Order
Law & Order (in the event of twins)
Law & Order: SVU (in the event of twins & a spin-off)