Boo Hoo

I am not a big fan of Halloween. This strikes a lot of people as odd--I guess I seem like the Halloween type, whatever that is. Maybe 'cause it's the holiday all the cool kids have adopted? Perhaps it's 'cause I'm sort of a fan of the macabre otherwise? Something about me dressing in black a lot? Fact: in high school some awful, really ugly guys who were hitting on me and my friend Maureen at the Pizza Hut asked me if I was a goth [uh or whatever it was called at the time] and I said "What? No--why would you ask that?" to which they replied "Uh, I dunno, you just seem like a natural goth." Yeah. Whatever. I hope they're dead or in jail now.

So, right, I'm lukewarm on Halloween. I like candy all right, but you know, you can eat candy whenever. And I don't like begging strangers for candy. I prefer when it's offered out of the back of a van. Guess I'm traditional that way. Anyway, I stopped trick-or-treating pretty early, and instead handed out candy to other kids.

Even now handing candy out to kids is fun, sort of. You know some kids don't say "trick or treat" anymore? They just walk up and stick their bags out. I tend to just stare back at them until it dawns on them that there's a part of the ritual they're missing, or until they walk away. How often do you get to confuse kids that aren't your own? Not very often.

I also really enjoy adults who are trick-or-treating for their babies in strollers. Really? Your baby is going to eat five pounds of candy? Huh. Neat. I bet Britney Spears trick-or-treats for her kids every year and she should totally get her custody/visitation rights back because of it.

Halloween has also sort of become a big event for adults, which I don't exactly remember it being when I was a kid, and, eh, it's sort of sad. Mostly adults seem to use Halloween as an excuse to have a shitty party or go to a bar and get wasted. Do Americans really need an excuse for that? The thing is, kids in costumes are generally adorable. Adults in costumes...unless they're really good costumes...not so much.

Me, I don't really like dressing up for Halloween. I think I might if I had like, a big budget, a great idea, a professional costume designer on call and a lot of time, so I looked like people do in the movies and on TV, with a fancy, elaborate outfit. But, just throwing something together or buying something off the rack generally doesn't turn out all that swell and I kind of hate drawing attention to myself, particularly when I'm wearing something half-assed. Also, I really like me. I don't actually want to be anyone else, even for one drunken, chocolate-smeared night.

You know what I do like, tho? The way the movie channels show a bunch of horror and suspense movies in October. So I guess Halloween isn't, like, that bad. It's just not that great, either. Definitely better than Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July (uh, except you get days off for those, which is sweet) but far inferior to Christmas, the king of all holidays. Sorry non-Christmas celebrators, but it is. It's the fucking best. Jesus may not have hit home runs every time, but Goddammit if his birthday isn't some good-ass shit. Fuck, do I love me some Christmas.


Yeesh, you can tell I haven't blogged in a while. Eh, well. At least it's a post.


As a bonus, I present to you some semi-dirty Halloween-related phrases I thought up while trying to come up with a title for the post, which I realize are all better than what I ended up naming the post, but none of them really worked:

Haloweenis
Prick or Treat
Rumpkin Carving
Crack o' Lantern
All Taint's Day