Nature Photography

I'm away from L.A. and vacationing in Seattle right now, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to take a break from our loyal blog fans who are in desperate need of something stoopid to look at while they're slacking off at work. Plus, I can spend only so much time with the fam before I go totally nuts, so I decided to venture out into the woods in my parents' backyard to photograph the local wildlife...

Summer Movie Tribute: Indiana Jones

It was like a million degrees this weekend in L.A., and how did I decide to spend an hour of my Sunday? Burning up in our un-air-conditioned darkroom taking photos of a Lego Indiana Jones just so you can enjoy this next toy tribute to the biggest movie of the summer.

Indiana Jones and the Chronicles of the Traveling Pants opens this Thursday... here's hoping I'll be rehydrated by then.

Special effects have a come a long way since Indy had to flee
from a giant tape ball in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Spoiler Alert: Turns out Indy ends up finding the crystal skull here at his local mall. He also picks up a crystal swan figurine, a crystal dolphin pendant and a rather stylish watch.

What if H.G. Wells Lived in the Swingin' '70s?

Yeah, see, I was going to work on a clever title for this post but thanks to the topic of this post, I don't have to. Standards, they are a-changin'. We don't need to try anymore! The good times are here, writers (and by writers I mean everyone--hell, we all can write something, am I right?!?! Can you sign an "X" on a piece of paper? Great! You can be a screenwriter!) because any damn thing you wanna slap together is good enough for a movie, so it's sure as hell good enough for some bullshit blog post.

I'm speaking, of course, about the groundbreaking, world-changing future epic, Hot Tub Time Machine.

Yes, that's right, Hot Tub Time Machine. If you can be bothered, do read the article I linked, it's short--and it sounds like a joke, doesn't it? I mean, even more so than just the name itself, that is. All right you lazy bastards, here's the best part:

"We're always looking for ways to stand out from the rest of the pack in today's crowded marketplace, and what better way than to combine hot tub debauchery and the complications of time travel," said MGM executive vice president production Cale Boyter.

Fuck yeah, Cale Boyter. I likes the way you thinks. What better way to stand out, indeed. I'm guessing the complications of time travel make it hard to keep the water at a perfect 100 degrees, and my God, what it must do to the jets! Uh-oh, somebody lost their shorts in the 16th century! What to do?!?!? I know! Beer run...just don't set it to 1920s America again, kids! That was sure a bust last time!!!

So now that I know even a writer of Hands in the Air caliber has a shot at putting together some optionable movie ideas, I went ahead and knocked some out.


Going back to the Wells

Strip Club War of the Worlds
"I hear Martians are butterfaces--but the lap dances are f'in worth it, bro."

The Funtime Sexy Island of Dr. Moreau
"The bitches on that island are animals, bro."

Coed Naked Invisible Man
"If I wasn't naked, you'd see my clothes and then I couldn't spy on you when you shower, bro."


Swinggity Swung

Key Party Space Station
"In space, no one can hear you cream (all over that alien's hot wife while he's bangin' somebody else's wife)."

Waterbed Worm Hole
"He got it up on the wrong side of the bed--make that the wrong side of the galaxy!"


Summer Fun

Swimming Pool Death Ray
"Welcome to our ool--you'll notice there's no "p" in it, but there is a motherfucking* death ray! So don't piss in our pool!"

Tropical Drinks 'n' Clones
"I ordered a double."




*Not very PG-13 but remember when there were big cuss words and boobs in PG movies? That time will come again. Or the opposite. I ain't no future teller, bro.

A Fascinating Slice of Tissue History

When we moved into our new crib in Burbank, our landlords already had some things in place, like curtains, toilet paper, a very odd painting in the half-bath/closet (yeah, we have a half-bath/closet) and this box of Kleenex, which was in the full bath that is not a closet, but does share a wall with the half-bath/closet.

I kind of casually glanced at it, and thought "Do they still use that pattern for their boxes?" but didn't really think that much of it until I went to move it, and realized I had a relic on my hands. This thing is, uh, older than all of us! Well, it could be--which means it's plenty older than Steve (who must be a teenager because I don't look a day over twenty-six).

How does a box of tissue stay in someone's possession for over 30 years? I'm afraid to use one of the tissues but they look okay. It's possible they'll crumble to dust if one is used but Jason's pretty sure my mom used one when she came to visit (I'd put it in the storage/laundry room for safekeeping, and yes, half of the rooms in our joint have at least two names--have I mentioned the photo/darkroom/ministorage area?) but we don't know for sure.

Tissues used to be cheap, y'all. I price-checked Kleenex, they're $2.50-$3.50 for a 200-count box on Drugstore.com.

And how 'bout this Bonsai offer? It's how I know approximately how old these tissues are, the date on which the offer expires.

Surely there are Kleenex collectors on Ebay who would pay big for green tissues in a near-mint foil box. I think our fortunes are made.