Hassled by the 'Hoff

Former Knight Rider and Baywatch star David Hasselhoff sure could use one of those red buoys to bail himself out of the deep trouble he's recently sunken into. With domestic violence claims surrounding him, Hasselhoff's estranged wife Pamela Bach alleges that Dave "grabbed me and pushed me hard into a car."

According to the aforementioned car, however, Bach's claim is untrue. In an exclusive interview, the car has corroborated the Hoff's denial. "David would never hit anyone into my chassis, because he is nothing but... yeeee-haaaaaw," asserted K.I.T.T. while shifting into Turbo Boost. Three seconds and 200 miles per hour later, K.I.T.T. continued, "That's not how David is. You get to know a guy pretty well after he's sat in your bucket seat for a few years."

Artist's rendition of Hasselhoff not being violent

But K.I.T.T. may not be a reliable witness. After his quick rise to stardom in the '80s, K.I.T.T.'s career quickly stalled with the cancellation of Hasselhoff's series, Knight Rider. After several failed attempts to get back into TV (most recently spending all of Season 2 of VH1's The Surreal Life locked in the garage after Vanilla Ice lost the car keys in the swimming pool), K.I.T.T. resorted to selling himself on the streets, renting himself out for "joyrides." K.I.T.T.'s downward spiral eventually led to several questionable appearances on the cover of "Lowrider" and other magazines that feature hoochies squatting on car hoods.

Could K.I.T.T.'s claims be a desperate ploy for attention? Possibly. His statements were carefully timed for his TV comeback as the midseason love interest in Jake in Progress starring Full House's John Stamos, but, sadly, that show was canceled a little too soon.

"This is no publicity stunt," K.I.T.T. asserted as he engaged Stealth Mode. "Oh, crap," he added while dousing his windshield with super high-tech Windex. "I'm like totally late for my appearance at the county fair. Gotta pay the bills. Gas ain't cheap, y'know."

True Tales from Our Podcast: Chapter 1

Ass Assault at Disneyland

The following comic is the first in an ongoing series of dramatizations of stories ripped straight from our podcasts. This true tale is from Podcast Episode 002 and tells of Jason getting violated at Disneyland...

Hear about this story and other tales in our Hands in the Air podcasts. Search for them at the iTunes Music Store and subscribe for free now!

Lovin' the Flavor

You know I loved me some Flavor of Love. Well, y'all, yesterday on the local NBC affiliate there was a story about Pumkin (the one who kinda looked like a younger, tinier Brigitte Nielsen) getting fired from her job as a SoCal substitute teacher because she was a distraction. The official dude they got a sound bite from said that kids were missing class or something to sneak a look at her. That's pretty funny, but do kids really watch VH1? Either way, you can read more 'bout it 'bout it at the New York Post.

Pumkin reportedly said that it's okay that they fired her, 'cause her real aim is to make it in the entertainment industry. Oh, girl, of course that's your goal. I can totally see you as "drunk girl #4" in a background scene on a procedural, maybe one of the CSIs or Law and Orders--keep reaching for the stars, lady!

Unfortunately for all involved, the NBC affiliate didn't get Pumkin herself on camera--it's bad enough they made me sit through almost 30 minutes of news before getting to the Pumkin story, they could have at least gotten Pumkin on the phone, something, damn. She's on MySpace (click her name above to read her page), anyone can find her pretty easily.

Pumkin has been on Blind Date, Next, Street Smarts and a bazillion other reality and game shows. How awesome would it be as a student to have your sub walk in and suddenly you realize she was the one who spit on some crazy bitch on VH1? I never really thought about it this way, but in an area filled with entertainment industry hopefuls (guilty!) it's not unusual to work with/go to school with/live next to/get your coffee from aspiring actors, writers, directors, singers, whatever, so it's not really that nutso for some kids to have the crazy white chick from Flavor of Love as their sub.

I can't wait for the Flavor of Love reunion special, which airs...well, I don't know when it airs. It was supposed to be this weekend, two weeks after the finale, but that's not happening. Maybe April 2 at 8 pm? In the meantime, I'm busying myself reading the ladies' MySpace accounts (this hilarious blog post helpfully lists the "Ladies of Flavor" in its sidebar, and is great readin' to boot) and hoping that this isn't the last time Flavor's ladies Pumkin, Hottie, New York and especially Goldie will be on TV.

Podcast Episode #004: Down the Toilet

Our fourth podcast is ready to offend your ears. Search for it at the iTunes Music Store and subscribe now!

Clockwise from the top-left: The disembodied heads of Chris, Steve, Jason and Jenni

A grubby toilet has some cash in it. How much green would have to be in there before you fished it out of the brown? Flush out the gang's price and other news. Yuck!

Snakes on a Plane in a Blog

This summer, Samuel L. Jackson will be reprising his patented bad-ass character to star in the appropriately named action flick, Snakes on a Plane. Maybe the studios thought that calling it "Snakes on a Plane with Samuel L. Jackson" would be a bit too cryptic.

Caption for picture of Snakes on a Plane in a blog

At any rate, Snakes on a Plane is destined to be the snake movie to end all snake movies, so much so that Anaconda will merely be remembered as only "Snakes in the Jungle." Now, who'd want to see something with a silly title like that? Especially when Snakes on a Plane will be the movie that will feature an original soundtrack song penned by a lucky contest winner!

TagWorld and New Line are promoting a songwriting contest, and the winning reptilian rave-up will be featured in the movie. But don't be thinking that you have a chance at winning the coveted spot on the Snakes on a Plane CD -- we've already come up with some song names for the contest. Sure, we haven't come up with the pesky Music for the Songs bit, but that part should be pretty easy considering the pure genius of the song titles listed below.

Snake Song on a Soundtrack
Shed Your Skin in My Mile-High Club
Why Is My Carry-On Rattling?
Ready to Strike (Once the Captain Has Turned Off the Fasten Seatbelts Light)
Suck the Venom Outta Me
Feeling Constricted in Coach
Slip That Anaconda in My Cockpit
Shake Your Asp in First Class
Another Reason Not to Fly Southwest
Carry-On, My Wayward Snake
Peanut Allergy (The Cobra Song)

Special thanks to Deitri for tipping us off on this snake-tastic contest!

Assy Hair on Kid Actors 2006

Kid actors' assy hair has always fascinated me. So often it's nothing like the hair you see on normal kids, yet these kids are still chosen for gigs on shows perhaps as an example of what kids should aspire to on an image level. Girl kid actors usually have normal, if boring hair. If it's straight, then it's long and it usually, but not always, features bangs. Or it's long and curly, usually without bangs but occasionally with. Not a big deal. But boy kid actors--wow.

In the past, the boy kid actor assy hairdo of choice was bowl cut. While the bowl cut still appears to be a hair choice stage parents are willing to make for their children, no matter how many ass-kickings it will get them those couple days a week when they go to regular school, it has been overtaken by the edgier, and in its own way even worse, totally overgrown bowl cut. Clearly the overgrown bowl is a natural evolution of the normal bowl cut, wherein the kid actor, no doubt egged on by his manager, his mommy, and the weird guy who does his headshots thinks, "Man, bowl haircuts are for losers--I'ma grow this bitch OUT baby, then I'll look f'n sweet and they'll have to cast me in that commercial about seat belt safety." (Take a look at Dylan and Cole Sprouse's website to see the evolution from bowl to overgrown bowl in action.)

But now, if you watch your Chuck E. Cheese's commercials, your stupid toy commercials--basically, if you tune in to Cartoon Network during the daylight hours--you'll see a new assy haircut burning up the boy kid actor charts: the poofy boy 'fro. (Click on the pic above for a closer look at this incredible hair look.)

This one's been in the making for a coupla years now--check out the movie Holes, you'll see both young leads sporting versions of this hairdo. In fact, they're probably to blame for the entire thing. And now, this look is everywhere, and I'm sure it's giving normal kids ideas. I think boy actors are even getting perms to make it happen for them, 'cause there's this one commercial for some type of car toy or whatever and this kid's poofy boy 'fro looks totally manufactured, reliant on at least half a can of hairspray and a body wave. I can't remember the product being pushed 'cause all I can think about is the kid's hair. It haunts me. It keeps me up at night. It dances circles around my head, taunting me, laughing at my inability to accept that some kid actor cultivated this look for himself, possibly at some personal expense and risk of bodily harm on the playground.

Stick with Hands In the Air for continuing coverage of Assy Hair on Kid Actors 2006 and other important issues.

Questionable Product #312

Obviously, this candy bar is marketed in the dirty south region of Japan

X-Men 3 Tribute: Part One

X-Men: The Last Stand will be premiering in three months, and 20th Century Fox is promoting the third mutant movie with a series of stylishly questionable billboards and bus shelter posters that could easily be mistaken for fashion ads and/or Got Milk? promos. To commemorate the movie's upcoming release, I'll be photographing a series of toy tributes. To kick things off, here's an homage to Wolverine, mutton chops and way too much leather.


















Taking a stand and
leaning against oil drums on May 26.

Coming Soon--Get It?

L.A. is home to many excellent artists and craftsmen. This sign, snapped on the world-famous Sunset Boulevard, is proof. Where to begin? Like a fine diamond, the color and clarity of this piece are simply outstanding. Who wouldn't want to purchase their spy gear and security systems (pepper spray!) from the shop "next door" to this enticing, high-tech window display? The Thai Massage coming soon, presumably to the same location? A delightfully unexpected bonus. This store is one-stop shopping for the paranoid, desperate nerd in your life. Do click the picture to savor the nuances of the sign, mere words cannot do it justice.

Heard on the NYC Streets: "That's Kegel - spelled K-E-G-E-L"

So I was walking in midtown today and as usual I heard some very strange, very random conversations. My iPod died (AGAIN) and so I was traveling sans headphones. As I was about to cross 3rd Avenue I hear a lady say, "That's Kegel -- spelled K-E-G-E-L." Of course I have to look to see what's going on right? I turn around to see a mid-50s 5-foot tall Asian lady talking to what looks to be her daughter. The older woman has that "Hey, I can talk about how squeezing my vagina muscles is good for sex at any age because I am a hippie" look and the daughter has that "I am a business woman and I can't believe that black guy in a business suit is totally looking at us talking about our vaginas" look.

Only in New York...

Good bye, Peter Tomarken

No Whammies, no Whammies, no Whammies!

Peter Tomarken
Game show host, Press Your Luck
December 7, 1942 - March 13, 2006

What Happened to Pig's Father

Pigture by Jason

L.A. Photo Essay: Little Tokyo and Chinatown

Downtown Los Angeles, CA -- Yesterday, we spent the day in Chinatown and Little Tokyo, which normally would be a non-story unworthy of sharing. However, on this particular outing we decided to take our cameras to photograph some of the unusual sights.

Well, it's still a non-story, but now you can see for yourselves...

Available next to the Crack Gum and Crystal MethSavers Breath Mints

That's supposed to say "Flying Fish," right? Either this is a renegade restaurant that fries its sushi or Toys "R" Us had some extra R signs lying around.

The Foo Chow Restaurant boasts, "Jackie Chan's Rush Hour, a best seller movie was shot here." I hear the book was a blockbuster, too.

Window display for the Foo Chow Restaurant. Obviously, the window dresser smokes Ecstacy Cigarettes.

This is the creepy window display at the entrance of the Foo Chow Restaurant. It's a doll toting around a live chicken in a basket and a frying pan with a crab in it. For some reason, she's floating above international landmarks like the Eiffel Tower and the Sydney Opera House. Are we being led to believe that Foo Chow delivers worldwide or that their delivery drivers are all from the Village of the Damned?

Podcast Episode #003: Urban Nachos

Our third podcast is now available at the iTunes Music Store! Search for Hands in the Air.

From left to right: Steve, Jenni, Chris & Jason

Who would you rather not see in a scandalous sex tape? This and other hard-hitting topics like Star Wars toys, nachos and profanity are tackled by the gang as they podcast straight outta N.Y. and L.A.

Yanni: Reflections of Downtown

New Age or New Rage? On Friday, March 10, new age keyboard tinkler Yanni was arrested in Florida for allegedly hitting his girlfriend. Now, domestic violence is no laughing matter, but you've gotta allegedly admit that Yanni getting taken downtown is a pretty funny thought.

Did he insist that his mugshot make him look introspective, complete with hair blowing in the wind and eyes cast downward? His rap sheet would read, "First name: Yanni. Last name: None. Eyes: Smoldering."

Guilty or not, Yanni must be a lawyer's dream. I submit to the court Exhibit A: the complete Yanni collection on CD. Would the guy responsible for such snoozers titled "Almost a Whisper," "Whispers in the Dark" and "Written in the Wind" risk his pansy mustache getting thrown in the clink? If you're capable of writing "Reason for Rainbows," could you possibly be capable of violence? Answer: Only if there was a war in unicorn town.


In his defense, Yanni issued this statement through his manager: "These allegations are cruel, false, without merit and baseless. At a more appropriate time and place, I hope and pray I will have an opportunity to address my fans and colleagues all over the world." Now, that doesn't sound like the dew-drenched dreamwoven statement I'd expect from an epic soundscaper like Yanni.

If I were his manager, I'd release a more new age statement: "Of chantilly ribbons have these allegations been made, for they are flimsy and full of holes. Upon gossamer wings shall justice soar and so shall Yanni's name be cleared like storm-beaten clouds in the wake of the sun's return. Dare to dream!" Now, that's a Yanni that should be put behind bars.

Magic 8 Ball's Oscar Results

The Oscar results are in, and it looks like our Magic 8 Ball's predictions were a bit off. The ol' ball correctly predicted that Reese would win, but the 3-way tie it foretold between Heath Ledger, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix wasn't meant to be.

The Magic 8 Ball almost chose Crash as the movie of the year, but it never would've picked that flick, since it turns out that the 8 Ball is a huge, huge fan of Brokeback Mountain.

"I wish I knew how to quit you!" "Reply hazy. Try again."

Answers to our readers' questions for the Magic 8 Ball:

kybruno1: "Do these people need to get out more?"
Magic 8 Ball: My Sources Say No

kimnrowdy: "Will New York win on "Flavor or Love"?
Magic 8 Ball: You May Rely On It

kimnrowdy: "If New York wins, will they be divorced within a year?"
Magic 8 Ball: Don't Count On It

CTU Los Angeles - Incompetence, 24 Hours a Day

I'm a really big fan of the show 24. Like, HUGE. I've seen every episode of every season. I even considered buying the videogame until I read some of the reviews. If you have also enjoyed the show, you may have noticed that Jack Bauer's co-workers at CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit), Los Angeles leave a little something to be desired when it comes to actually doing their goddamn jobs. Believe it or not, CTU really does exist and surprisingly, things are just as bad there as the show suggests. Take this memo I managed to pick up yesterday as I was strolling through. No one even asked me who I was or what I was doing there.

Click on the image to read the Top Secret CTU Memo

Magic 8 Ball's Oscar Predictions

The Oscars are on this Sunday, so we consulted the Magic 8 Ball on the big three categories. We asked it 5 times for each nominee, and its predictions actually seem in line with prevailing opinion. Pretty spooky, considering the 8 Ball’s favorite movie of 2005 was Must Love Dogs.

Best Picture

Brokeback Mountain - 80%
Yes, Yes, Yes, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Capote - 0%
My Sources Say No, Cannot Predict Now, Outlook Not So Good, Cannot Predict Now, Don't Count On It

Crash - 20%
Better Not Tell You Now, Ask Again Later, Concentrate and Ask Again, Yes, Very Doubtful

Good Night, and Good Luck - 60%
Without a Doubt, Outlook Good, My Sources Say No, As I See It Yes, Better Not Tell You Now

Munich - 60%
Yes, Without a Doubt, Reply Hazy Try Again, Outlook Good, My Sources Say No


Best Actress

Judi Dench - 40%
Concentrate and Ask Again, Concentrate and Ask Again, Concentrate and Ask Again, It Is Decidedly So, It Is Certain

Felicity Huffman- 0%
Ask Again Later, Cannot Predict Now, Very Doubtful. Better Not Tell You Now, My Reply Is No

Keira Knightley - 40%
As I See It Yes, Very Doubtful, As I See It Yes, My Sources Say No, Outlook Not So Good

Charlize Theron - 20%
Cannot Predict Now, My Reply Is No, My Sources Say No, As I See It Yes, Don't Count On It

Reese Witherspoon - 60%
It Is Certain, Yes, My Sources Say No, You May Rely On It, Outlook Not So Good


Best Actor

Philip Seymour Hoffman - 60%
My Reply Is No. My Reply Is No, Most Likely, You May Rely On It, It Is Decidedly So

Terrence Howard - 40%
Better Not Tell You Now, Reply Hazy Try Again, Yes, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Heath Ledger - 60%
You May Rely On It, Without a Doubt, My Reply Is No, Concentrate and Ask Again, Most Likely

Joaquin Phoenix - 60%
Cannot Predict Now, Outlook Good, Without a Doubt, Ask Again Later, It Is Decidedly So

David Strathairn - 40%
It Is Decidedly So, Better Not Tell You Now, Don't Count On It, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Got a question for the Magic 8 Ball? Post a comment with your Yes-or-No Question or email it to handsintheairmail@gmail.com, and we'll post the answers according to our balls!

It's Not Easy Being Green

Happy St. Patrick's Day Month

Kiss me, I'm green.
(Clockwise from top center: The Hulk with whiskey, Poison Ivy, Martian Manhunter, Kermit the Frog, Green Lantern, The Leader, Green Goblin, Green Arrow)

Why does Rachael Ray bother me so much?

Okay look I don't hate her hate her. I don't. And my grandmother loooooves her and would be scandalized to hear that I really can't stand the apple-cheeked foodie. But man, Rachael Ray just makes my blood boil. I totally know why, except that the intensity of my dislike isn't merited by the stuff that bothers me.

It's the cutesy little things she says--"e.v.o.o." instead of "extra virgin olive oil," and her little quippy quips that people eat up, they're just so annoying. Like today on Oprah she was talking about street food in New York and she was at this Indian food cart and the camera panned to a I guess Indian dude eating and she was all "see a real Indian likes it so it must be good" and the crowd busted up at that clever observation like she was a freakin' comedian. Meanwhile I'm on the couch making a face like I just sucked on a lemon. Prolly the way people slurp up her cutey cuteness like the most delicious ice cream cone ever doesn't help.

But, that's almost it. Oh, and her crooked smile grates. And...well...yeah, that's pretty much all of it, 'cept for also, she's perky. Perky people are annoying to my kind. Someone told me once I should be perky, 'cause people like perky. That someone's beloved pet vanished mysteriously, only to reappear in a stew served to that someone a few days later. Then that someone died of food poisoning.

Not really.

But I fucking hate perky people. Even the ones who can cook. Sorry Rachael, I know you're probably a sweet gal in real life, but I want to run you through a meat grinder when I see you on TV. I have a sneaking suspicion you might feel the same way if I was the one on TV, annoying you. You're probably my Lex Luthor. "RR," "LL," same diff. And e.v.o.o. can be my Kryptonite. I prefer regular ol' olive oil, anyway--it's more versatile 'cause it doesn't have as strong a flavor. We're not all rich TV/magazine personalities, you know.

Celebrating Black History--Nubia

Wonder Woman used to have a Black sister. Not just "sister" as in "sistergirl." Not just "sister" as in fellow Amazon. But "sister" as in when Hippolyte made Wondy out of clay, she also made another baby out of (duh) darker clay and they both came to life thanks to Aphrodite.

Her name was Nubia, and she represents all that was groovy and fantastic about comic books before the nerds got all obsessed with continuity and keeping superheroes serious and "special" (Wanting Superman to be the only survivor of Krypton, no Krypto or Supergirl, etc.) and whatever else. A sweet time in comics when it was okay--no--it was necessary for Wonder Woman to have a Black sister no one had heard of for years and years 'cause Mars stole her when she was a baby. How great is that? Freakin' great! Wonder Woman has a Black twin sister, hurray!

Nubia fought Wonder Woman for a minute, but when WW realized that Nubia was under Mars' control, the ladies worked it out and managed to call Mars out on his fear of woman. Take that, god of war! Ha!

Suffering Sappho!

DC didn't use Nubia nearly enough, but she did merit a doll from Mego, as shown with her sister doll above. I haven't seen her myself, but apparently there's a character in current WW continuity called Nu'bia or something who is a sort of tribute to the forgotten sister of Wonder Woman. That's nice, I guess, but you know, the world of comics could use a few more Black superheroes, and maybe some other nonwhites, just to keep things colorful. They don't have to be related to Wonder Woman, though that would be okay with me if some of them were.

Apple Hi-Fi a Booming Disappointment

The Apple Store (U.S.) - iPod Hi-Fi

The Apple faithful ate their lunch at their desks, skipped their meetings and were feverishly hitting the refresh button at 1pm (EST) pissing off IT guys across nation.

However, today's much hyped announcement of "fun new products" left many Apple fans disappointed. In large part the consternation was due to the fact that what was released was in no way surprising. Additionally the "fun new products" did not appear to be as revolutionary as one might expect from the company that claims to "Think Different".

I love Apple products and wish that they had included an Airport Express card expansion slot in the Hi-Fi. This would have moved the product to "kick ass" status. Additionally, if they had offered a larger hard drive in the mac mini it would have be a much more suitable companion to the home entertainment center.

Steve J. -- maybe the Pixar/Disney money has made you lazy because these new products suck.

Sincerely,

Chris

Grizzly Bear - The Untold Story

So we watched Grizzly Man last night on The Discovery Channel. I had heard basically what the film is about--a guy who goes off to live with Grizzly Bears and winds up being devoured by his passion, literally--and I had also heard over and over about how good it was. Good? I'm still confused about that one. I will admit that I draw some satisfaction from seeing the results of one person's stupidity coming to its natural conclusion, but beyond that, the thing tries really hard to be defferential to a subject, Timothy Treadwell, who is clearly bat-shit insane and, I hate to say it, had it coming. But on top of that, the annoying accent of the filmmaker, and the irksome if occasionally and unintentionally funny antics of Treadwell, the film is completely biased against the better half of its title--the Grizzlies.

It's easy to see that Treadwell loved the animals (a little too much, that's the point), but throughout the film we are constantly reminded of how one "mean" Grizzly murdered Treadwell and his companion, Amie Huguenard. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for Huguenard and much less so for Treadwell, but can we really blame the bear? Let's take a look at the Grizzly's side of the story.

Summer 1990
What the hell? There I was, at the stream looking for fish like I usually do around midday, and then all of the sudden this fruit with a shitty hat came up and started talking babytalk to me. I gave him a look and kind of growled, but then he just said I was being "saucy" and kept on with his jabbering. Needless to say, I lost my concentration and about every Salmon in the whole damn river swam past me while I was trying to get this whackjob to get out of my face. He named me "Muffin," which is a goddamn insult, and then pranced off.

Summer '95
Guess who showed up again! I swear to God there should be some sort of law to keep that blonde weirdo away from me and the rest of the poor bears here. Oh wait, THERE IS! The Rangers in this park suck ASS! If he calls me "Muffin" in front of the females one more damn time, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Yes, in the woods. Bears actually do.

Summer '98
SON OF A BITCH! I thought for sure this was going to be the year he wasn't going to be back, but not only is he back, he brought a damn video camera with him! Great, now the whole world can see what this nut does out here all Summer! I watched him the other day and he spent twenty minutes just screaming a crazy stream of obscenity at the poor camera. What more proof does the world need that this guy is insane? He spent the rest of the day filming some of the other bears. I'm pretty sure he was masturbating to the video in his tent last night, but there's no way to tell if he was jacking it to us bears or to his own pretentious whining.

Fall 2002
We all just held an emergency meeting before hibernation. Everyone was there--us bears, the foxes, birds, squirrels, even some Salmon who were annoyed by that lameass (we ate them after). We discussed it for all of about ten minutes and we decided that if he comes back next year, it's up to us to kill him. We can't take another Summer of this crap. All right, I'm going to sleep...

When animals attack... with guns and baseball bats.

Summer 2003
That's IT! The sick son of a bitch touched my sister's shit! He touched it and he sniffed his finger and kept saying "it was inside her" over and over. That twisted loser is going down tonight. I talked it over with the foxes and they support me fully. Ever since one of them took his stupid hat (HI-GODDAMN-LARIOUS), he followed him to their den and started yelling more obscenities. I swear he hasn't heard of a four-letter word he didn't love. I feel bad that I'm going to have to eat him in front of that poor blonde girl, but I've promised to let her go unless she does something stupid like hit me on the head with a frying pan instead of running for her life. But that would be retarded, even for someone dumb enough to hang out with that whacko.

You're next, Crocodile Hunter! You're next!

So you see? The bears, the entire refuge had been pushed to edge and beyond. Is what happened kind of sad? Absolutely, just like it's sad when a moth, drawn to the flame, catches fire and dies. But then you compare the potential brain power of a moth to that of Treadwell, and suddenly it's hard to feel so bad about it. The only tragedy I can see is that three very important safeties failed--common sense (Treadwell should have had some), psychiatric care (Treadwell should have gotten some), and the law (he should have been kicked out of that refuge a LONG time ago for violating a myriad of laws meant to keep both the bears and people like Treadwell safe).

Jason risked his life taking these wildlife photos. He'll be missed.

G-D, The Sequel

My aunt and I were taking the elevator in the building I used to park in and these two ladies came in. One exclaimed to me, "Oh my God! You look exactly like Geena Davis!" Which, I don't. At all. Once we got out of the elevator I asked my aunt if that was supposed to be a compliment. She thought it probably was. But now I bet that lady just liked to say crap like that to people, to see what they did.

Once I moved to L.A., I thought it would be funny to do a slightly different thing--run up to people and pretend I thought they were someone famous, and be all excited and whatever, and ask for photos or autographs and junk. I thought it might be even funnier to pick celebs they looked nothing like, in a nod to my elevator friend. But then that stretches the credibility a bit, I guess.

The thing is, you really do run into plenty of celebs major and minor 'round here, particularly in my neighborhood, but I'm so much in my own little cloud of Jenni that I don't always notice them. So knowing me, I'd run up to someone and act all excited, and it would actually be a celebrity, though perhaps not the one I was acting like they were, and then I'd look and feel even dumber than I intended to.

But back to G-D. I could totally be president but I'd prefer something less democratic, more imperial. Something that requires or at least allows for wearing a crown.

R.I.P. Don Knotts

I just heard that "Three's Company" landlord Don Knotts passed away on Friday. Or at least that's what I think I heard. Either he's dead or I misheard Jack Tripper saying that he's going to have a threesome with Janet and Mrs. Roper.

The Incredible Mr. Limpet

Don Knotts
July 21, 1924 - February 24, 2006

Celebrating Black History - The Brothers of "Star Wars"

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... there sure were a lot of white people! You may have been too caught up in the amazing epic space fantasy of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope to notice, but for a diverse galaxy full of all sorts of alien creatures, there sure were a lot of honkeys. Luckily, someone was paying attention and in time for the sequel, Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, the Black fans of the Star Wars films finally got a character they can cheer for -- Lando Calrissian.

Lando (he's not a system, he's a man), is probably the coolest character in the entire Saga. A gambler, businessman, womanizer, player, and snappy dresser, Lando, or "ol' smoothie" as Jenni likes to call him in that lustful way that makes me a little uncomfortable, has it all going on. For starters, check out his fly bachelor pad. Name one woman who could resist living in a floating city of gorgeous sunsets. Sure, Leia managed to hold on to her love for Han, but if Darth Vader hadn't shown his crispy mug, Lando would have won her over in a matter of time.

Lando also clearly has the skills to pay the bills. I'm a hardcore SW fan and even I don't know what kind of "maneuver" he "pulled at the Battle of Tanaab" (I'm guessing three Twi'lek dancing girls AT ONCE!), but it was enough to get him promoted from guy-who-sells-out-his-friends-to-the-Dark-Lord-of-the-Sith to a goddamn GENERAL with a new cape and everything! Han even lets him borrow his old ship back! So you can imagine how craptacular it is for Lando to end up, at the conclusion of Return of the Jedi with nothing better to snuggle up with than Wicket W. Warrick.

But while Lando has the old school Trilogy covered, none other than the bad mofo of Jedi Masters, Mace Windu, is the dominant Force for the Black community in the prequel trilogy. There's not much that needs to be said about Mace Windu. He's second in skill only to Master Yoda (which meant a lot more before he got creamed by Palpatine). He was a flawless swordsman, could decimate thousands of battle droids with his FISTS (check out the first season of Clone Wars), and if not for some sniveling "Chosen One," would have saved the damn day. Among his other accomplishments, he managed to behead Jango Fett, which is pretty hardcore for a Star Wars movie, and a feat only surpassed by a BLIND Han Solo accidentally smacking Boba Fett in the jetpack and sending him screaming into a belching Sarlaac (can we get a ret-con on that one, Mr. Lucas?).

Don't make me get all Jedi on your ass.

So while the original Star Wars might have been a little on the "light" side of the Force, the five subsequent films managed to show us all just how cool Black characters can be, and that's something that works every time.

Thank G-d the olympics are over!!

i would just like to say that i for one am glad the damn olympics are coming to a close. between the bad sportsmanship by the american speed skaters, Bode Miller's spectacular flameouts and endless coverage of curling the whole thing about put me over the edge.

screw you NBC for putting me through 2 weeks of this crap. i am so glad that law and order is coming back.

Dumb, Dirty Star Wars Names: A Sleazebaggano Tribute

This is stupid but explicit, so watch out.

One day, before the release of Episode 2, Jason and I were at Target or something and we flipped through and eventually bought a Star Wars coloring book based on the appearance of the "death stick salesman," because we couldn't believe the incredible stupidity of it all.

Years later (yet at this point, years ago), Jason IMed me with details on the name of the guy and more, and one of the dirtiest IM conversations not involving Princess Leia in a gold bikini transpired:

Jason: Get a load of the death stick salesman's name. This is straight from StarWars.com: "The shadowy depths of Coruscant are full of many unsavory characters. A slimy narcotics peddler who frequents some of the entertainment district's nightclubs and gambling bars, Elan Sleazebaggano looked to make a quick credit by selling his illicit wares. After attempting to sell death sticks to a Jedi Knight, Sleazebaggano reportedly went home that night and completely rethought his life."

Jenni: Shut up

Jenni: That's worse than anything we could ever come up with

Jason: Seriously. Sleazebaggano.

Jenni: Crackwhoretta

Jenni: Analrapendo

Jenni: Fattassetto

Jason: Jar Jar Molesto-Wan

Jenni: Mas Tur Bator

Jenni: Eatmy Nutso

Jason: Booby Fetish

Jason: Mido Clitorians

Jenni: Bas Tardinian

Jenni: Fell Aceio

Jason: Han Jobbo

Jenni: Plugg the Hutt

Jason: Poon Tango

Jenni: Dildoinan Asz

Jason: Shlonggassia Erecto

Jenni: Drung Pucha

Jason: Testa Cullikkar

Jenni: Bak Dour

Yeah, we're sitting by the phone, waiting for Lucas to call us with job offers. We really think we have the hang of this. If we're this good with just naming shit in a super Star Wars-y way, just imagine how awesome we'd be at like, storylines and character arcs. Three words: Wookiee Ewok Gangbang.

Now that's what I call a sticky Wicket!

Baggage Claim

Delta/Song Airlines are hearing some complaints from me. I just flew back to L.A. from a trip in New York on Sunday, but my luggage didn't make it back in town until 8:30 p.m. Tuesday night. That's the last time I check my bags on a Delta/Song flight. The night I flew out of NY was a windy one, so 100 bags had to be removed from the flight so the plane could be loaded up with extra fuel to make the upwind flight. The kicker is that none of us passengers were told that 100 bags weren't going to make the flight until after we landed at LAX.

Day 1 without my suitcase:
It'd be nice to have a toothbrush.

They actually had the nerve to tell us that 100 bags were removed from the flight the precise moment we were about to deplane at our final destination. They obviously were removing the baggage before we left NY, but they didn't bother to tell us while they were in the act of inconveniencing us. If we knew that we would be without bags before we departed, we could swing by the gift shop to stock up on the toiletries we had packed in our bags. I could have made sure that someone brought me my extra car keys since my other set was packed in my suitcase.

Day 2 without my suitcase:
Where's that one shirt I like?

It's one thing for Delta to inconvenience us on purpose by removing our bags because of weight issues, but it's another thing for Delta to inconvenience us on purpose a second time by being afraid to notify us of the baggage issue as soon as they knew it would be an issue.

Day 2 without my suitcase:
Suitcase is still in New York. Come home, Suitcase, come home!

There were 100 angry passengers arriving at LAX. It was like winning a bad lottery -- we found out that our bags didn't make the trip when we consulted a list posted outside our terminal gate. All 100 of us had to file a baggage claim at the airport office. And this was at 12:30 a.m. And no one ever thought to apologize or offer us some sort of compensation.

Night 3:
Suitcase hitchhikes home. Suitcase has a longer trip than I had.