David Blaine's Illusions of Grandeur

If there’s anything magical about illusionist David Blaine, it’s that he can trick millions of people into watching him do absolutely nothing. After finishing his 7-day stunt of being submerged in a giant glass sphere with an oxygen mask, Blaine capped his week with an attempt to break the record for breath-holding… on live TV.

Pardon my bubbles.

Personally, I think if you’re going to make a big fuss about breaking a record on live TV, you’d better have a backup magic trick up your sleeve just in case your Guinness attempt falls short. You know, a REAL stunt, like drinking all the backwash and stink juice in that aquarium you’ve been floundering in for a week.

But alas, David didn’t even deliver a magical coup de grace, so when he failed to break the breath-holding record, viewers were essentially left to witness a man accomplish nothing. To see guy not break the record for breath-holding isn’t compelling television. Quite frankly, I can see someone not break the world record for breath-holding every day in every show on TV. In fact, I don’t break that record every single day of my life, but no one’s offering me my own live TV show.

Ta-da! Jason breaks the record for sitting around all day. Again!

I’m not really sure where the “magic” is in David Blaine’s stunts – standing on a platform for over day, sitting in a box over the Thames River for over a month… Sheesh. I try to spend at least half a day at work doing absolutely nothing, so maybe if I philosophize about it in an overly dramatic and deep monotone voice, I might be able to perform that trick on stage in Vegas. But I’m not holding my breath. David didn’t.