Best News Day. Ever.

It's always good news when it's Friday, but today is even better because of two excellent news stories posted by AOL News.

First up, there's the story of a prison inmate in Pakistan who had a light bulb removed from his ass. The lonely prisoner claims that inmates or the police drugged him and then bulb-assaulted him while he was zonked out, but the doctors strongly doubt it. Chances are, the inmate needed some companionship where the sun don't shine and a light bulb went off in his head. Said light bulb was then likely seized by the inmate and promptly plugged into his exit-only socket. Someone should print up posters and t-shirts of the X-ray with the slogan, "Bad Idea."

Light bulb, right-side up, above your head = Good idea.
Light bulb, upside-down, in your ass = Bad idea.

That's the last time I let a light bulb buy me dinner!

The second story tells of a former Oklahoma judge who was found guilty on four counts of indecent exposure because he was... wait for it... using a penis pump in his courtroom. One of the judge's female court reporters testified that his little gavel was disrobed on 15 occasions, and her attention was drawn to his Exhibit A only after she heard the "sh-sh" sounds of what turned out to be his penis pump, or, in legalese, what's known as the "judge's chamber." Gives new meaning to the term "all rise."

Superman Returns

Now in theaters.


I can totally see through
everyone's clothes from up here.

Starch Wars

If you like your droids garnished with sour cream and bacon bits, then you'll love the latest addition to the Mr. Potato Head family. The third of Hasbro's Star Wars-Potato Head mash-ups was just shipped to us, and this time around, it's a spud spoof of R2-D2.


For those of you who don't regularly shop at starwars.com for death sticks and wookiee grooming kits (like Steve does), Artoo-Potatoo should be hitting toys stores very soon. Darth Tater and the Spudtrooper are currently available. No word yet on whether a Yam Solo will be made any time soon.

Artoo comes with a Princess Tater "hologram" figure. Hot potato!

You should see me in a metal bikini. I look like a baked potato in aluminum foil.

Non-potato Yoda says: "Not good for your waistline carbs are."

Braff Balls

I love the WENN celeb news on IMDb. More often then not, they will have an extra-special angle on the story or a small but incredibly juicy detail that makes their version of the same ol' celeb item better than the ones on the millions of other outlets that are carrying the story.

A couple weeks back, they had a story about Zach Braff and Mandy Moore's much-anticipated and highly overdue breakup. I mean like, what the hell was Mandy Moore thinking? I know she's young but damn, lady. Zach Braff is grossiosso. Have you no eyes, Mandy? Have you no ears? Have you no shame?

So great, good news, amen. But then at the very end of the story, WENN gives you that one excellent detail that makes it all that much more satisfying. And here I quote the story:

The 31-year-old Garden State star has wasted no time moving on, he was recently seen partying with pals at Hollywood hot spot Hyde on June 8 and unsuccessfully romancing Jessica Simpson.

Oh HELL yes. Note the completely unveiled contempt in the way it's stated: "unsuccessfully romancing Jessica Simpson." Love it. So basically this Chick-fil-A-Hole, fresh off his had-to-have-been-a-goddamn-fluke-or-I-don't-get-this-world-at-all romance with pop tart Mandy Moore, now believes that he can play doctor with any hot little thang who catches his fancy. Zach Braff tried to pick up Jessica Simpson. You think about that for a minute. That ain't right. This mofo must be crazy full of himself to think he can bag Jessica Simpson. I don't even think she's all that hot but she's certainly WAY too hot for him. And too famous.

After having several weeks of nightmares about the subject, I decided to purge my brain by imagining how the Briff-Braff's unsuccessful romancing of Miss Simpson prolly went down.

"Hey, Jessica, how you doin'. Don't be shy--you know you want a little of this cock-a-doodle-doo. Have another drink and sit in my lap, baby!"

"Um, this is the VIP area. And waiters aren't supposed to talk to VIPs. One call to my dad and he'll totally have you fired. He knows the owners."

"Jess, babe. It's me!"

"Um. Okay? I so don't know you. Please stop talking to me."

"Zach Braff."

"'Kay. Is that supposed to mean something? I don't know the names of, no offense, the short and ugly and poor writers or producers or whatever you think you are. Could you, like, leave? Your nose--no it's your whole face--totally grosses me out."

"Zach. Braff. I'm totally famous. Scrubs? You've heard of Scrubs! Garden State!"

"I don't watch educational TV or whatever."

"I'm a HOT ACTOR! I dated Mandy Moore for crying out loud!"

"Um, gross. That has to be a lie. Can you go away now?"

"Okay, wait, you must know me from something. I play the puppy in those toilet paper commercials. And Chicken Little."

"I can see you playing baby animals. You're certainly short enough. Okay bye now!"

"Entertainment Weekly LOVES ME!!"

"Daddy? It's Jess. Daddy, this gross little waiter guy is totally bothering me. Can you call the club owner and..."

"Yeah um, well I gotta bounce, Jess. Raincheck on the drink? Stay hot, baby. And see Chicken Little, you'll dig it. I'll call you. Later, sweet tits."

"Thank God he's gone. Omigod, CaCee! What took you so long in the bathroom? This little troll would NOT leave me alone. He said he used to date Mandy Moore which like, is she even still famous but even if she is, like she would ever date a freakin' little doof doof like that."

"I told you to come to the bathroom but you were all no, I have to show Nick and the world that I am Miss Independent Woman or whatever."

"You were right, CaCee. Never again. I think we should go--I feel like I need to take like 20 showers."

R.I.P. Aaron Spelling

TV producer extraordinaire Aaron Spelling passed away yesterday. Aaron Spelling was known for producing The Love Boat, Charlie's Angels, Beverly Hills 90210, Fantasy Island, SWAT, The Mod Squad, Charmed, 7th Heaven, Dynasty, Starsky & Hutch, Melrose Place and the fish-faced Tori Spelling.

Aaron Spelling
April 22, 1923 - June 23, 2006

Job Opening!

If you're like me, you like videogames. They're like, fun and stuff. But very, very soon Electronic Arts, the largest videogame publisher in the world (most widely known for its EA Sports franchises like the Madden Football games), decided to mess with that tried and true formula. What if a videogame wasn't fun? Brilliant!

Enter NFL Head Coach. It takes a traditional football videogame and eliminates all of that boring old filler like controlling players and doing fun things and replaces them with things like managing whiny assistants, haggling with greedy agents and yes, interviewing for jobs. That's right, the first thing you do in the game is interview for your Head Coaching job so you, y'know, can PLAY THE REST OF THE GAME!

Can you imagine? Hopeful videogame applicants visit a job fair to get a gig in the biz.

I don't know about you, but I play games to forget about work. I don't need a game that simulates in excruciating detail one of the most stressful jobs out there. I don't want to sweat through a virtual job interview, then have to interview and hire myriad underlings, then have to answer to some virtual dick of a virtual boss. That's enough to make me virtually blow my virtual brains out, and I haven't even really covered how the game makes you console every player and coordinator and agent any time you disagree with their boneheaded ideas. So if one of your staff suggests that you draft five kickers and you opt to not follow his stupid advice, he's going to throw a tantrum and threaten to quit. Awesome.

"Well, Mr. Man, my business partner and I have over 40 years of combined experience in a number of videogame genres--fighting, platform, adventure, racing, even a little RPG and puzzle work."

So, uh, I know that I've got the game over in my June videogame picks, but maybe you should only check it out if you're like one of those crazy fantasy football junkies. Or you like having an ulcer.

Check out some opinions on the final game for more of what I'm talkin' 'bout:

1up.com; GameSpot

Jenni took the pictures for me. Wasn't that totally bitchin' of her?

And the Fries Are How Much?!?

If you've got expensive taste, take note of the frou-frou restaurant in Florida that's offering a gourmet hamburger with a $100 price tag. Why splurge on 110 or so White Castle Slyders, when for the same hundred bucks you could treat yourself to a 20-ounce grease-sponge that's imported from cows in Japan and Argentina? The burger is such a hot commodity that the likes of Paul Anka and David Lee Roth are being touted as fans who've ordered one by mail. And you know Diamond Dave doesn't just let any ol' random thing near his mouth unless it's 1982 and you're a groupie at the Diver Down tour.

The Old Homestead Steakhouse describes its big-ticket burger as "heaven on a bun," and for every piece of bunly heaven it sells, ol' McPrice-Gouger's will donate 10 bucks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Somewhere out there, there's a cancer kid whose secret wish it is to see a rich dude drop a C-note on an overpriced beef bomb. Dreams really can come true.

Lookin' for a good time, baby?
For $100, I can give you what I like to call "heaven on a bun."

Hot Dog!

Be careful where you put the donuts. This past Sunday, a dog set a house on fire after its owners left a box of donuts on top of the stove. Tantalized by the non-kibble-based treats, the pooch jumped up to retrieve the box of pastries, inadvertently flipping on a burner. Continuing what would become one of the greatest dog tricks ever, the mutt set the donut box on fire which in turn set the kitchen and attic ablaze, causing $75,000 in damages.

Much to everyone's relief, though, the dog managed to get the donut. Oh and incidentally, no one was hurt in the fiasco. Oh and better yet, the dog probably scored one of those glazed cream-filled jobbies which are really tasty.

As a public service, we're showing some other situations in which dogs and donuts should be separated.

Remember: Donuts and dogs don't mix.

Star Pops

We don't mean to turn our blog into some type of Sith-Com, but we had too many Star Wars Father's Day ideas for just one post. We got to wonderin' what it would have been like for the kids of Star Wars--Luke and Leia and Boba--if they'd actually been raised by their dads.

"Remember son, your rocketpack is not a toy. A Fett could get himself killed if he's not careful."


"You kids today have it all too easy! When I was your age, I had to earn money donating Midichlorians at the Jedi Blood Bank and working in a junk shop just to save up enough money to build my own Podracer by hand so I could drive myself to school across the Dune Sea--and I liked it that way. Search your feelings. You know it to be true."


"You're not going out of the house like that, young lady! Look what you're doing to your brother's lightsaber! Luke, your thoughts betray you! She's your sister!"


"I find your lack of cleanliness disturbing. This room looks like a trash compactor! I want you to clean this room now. No disintegrations."


By Jenni, Steve and Jason. Happy Father's Day to all the Sithy dads out there!

Happy Father's Day

Let's kill each other after the holiday.

Things That Go Kerplunk!

They taught you how to pogo to songs about masturbation and now the band Green Day is teaching kids how to stay alive. This past Sunday, Green Day was credited with saving a 12-year-old girl from getting blown to bits. According to reports, Ruby Wilson found a live grenade in her yard and was only able to identify it because she had a picture of the explosive on her Green Day t-shirt for the American Idiot album.


So this kid didn’t know what a grenade looked like until she went to her local Hot Topic to buy a band shirt? Sure, I couldn't exactly tell who was with "stupid" until the t-shirts came along, but if it takes Green Day to help you with basic weapon identification then maybe evolution meant for you to be blasted to smithereens.

In other news, I narrowly avoided eating what appeared to be a leftover piece of Almond Roca in a kitty litter box after recognizing it from Green Day’s Dookie album.

How Did The Dinosaurs Ever Die Out?

While we were on vacation in beautiful Ohio, Jason spotted this puppet (?) in a toy store. Horrified, but strangely attracted to it, I knew in my heart it would be mine.

What's wrong with the people making dino-related crap for kids? There's a whole lotta fuzzy dino dong going on these days. This one is even flesh-colored. Not, as far as I know, dino-flesh-colored, but human flesh-colored for sure. Oh, well--at least he has his hands in the air.

Here he is hanging out with his new friends in the dinosaur locker room, comparing notes.

We have a winner! A long, strong, semi-fuzzy, flesh-colored winner. Until the next time we go to the store...

Everybody Hates Peter

I've been a big Spider-Man fan since I can remember. He and Superman have always been my favorites, although I lean to the Marvel side of comics so Spidey is numero uno. So imagine my shock and dismay when (SPOILER ALERT) I read that Spider-Man reveals his true identity as Peter Parker to the entire Marvel Universe in the recently released Civil War #2.


Peter's had a tough year. First there was a really shitty comic "event" called The Other which was basically three writers trying to write one writer's not-so-great idea for a story arc. I'll spare you the details, just know that all of the issues blew chunks and, after turning into a Man-Spider thing and eating a vampire's head, Spider-Man "died," then hatched anew from a cocoon, then fought a new enemy made of a swarm of little spiders who promptly and conveniently disappeared. Yeah, shitty.

After that humiliation, Spider-Man was saddled with his absolutely horrible new costume. That combined with The Other was basically Marvel saying "we can't come up with any more interesting Spider-Man stories to tell, so we want to give him a bunch of new gadgets and powers arbitrarily to help our hack writers out." And now Spider-Man, a character whose secret identity is more integral to who he is (well, was), than pretty much any other superhero out there, has gone public.

This is not Spider-Man's new costume. The new one's actually worse.

I just want to break down some basics about Spider-Man then and now. You'll have to trust me that I'm getting to a point.

THEN: Spider-Man was Peter Parker, a geeky teenager with a doting aunt he lived with in Queens, New York.
NOW: Spider-Man is still Peter Parker (we think--there's been some clone confusion in the past), only now he's late-20s and lives in Avengers Tower in Manhattan. Doting aunt is still around.

THEN: Peter Parker was an independent-minded teenager with money troubles, girl troubles, a sickly old aunt and, oh yeah, he had to save New York on a weekly basis.
NOW: Peter Parker is a practically non-existant Yes-Man to Tony Stark (Iron Man). He's married, the finances are never mentioned, Aunt May hasn't sneezed in years and I can't remember the last time Spider-Man actually saved a day.

THEN: Gwen Stacy died tragically, a beacon of virtue and girl-next-door sweetness. A character you could genuinely like and be sad that she died.
NOW: Turns out she boned the Green Goblin and had two of his kids in Europe before he dropped her off of a bridge. Classy, Marvel.

THEN: Virtually no one, not even Peter's dear Aunt May, knew he was Spider-Man.
NOW: Everyone knows who Spider-Man is, including his murderous rogue's gallery. Smart move.

THEN: Peter guarded his secret identity with his life because the one time it was really compromised, the woman he loved most in all the world got dropped off a bridge and DIED.
NOW: Screw that! His wife and aunt live in Avengers frickin' Tower. Come try it, Dr. Octopus! P.S. - Death means absolutlely bupkiss in comics these days.

I ask you, dear reader, which version of this character sounds more interesting? I've got to say that the red-and-blue Spidey of old gets my vote. But even more to the point, do these two even seem like the same character anymore? Hell to the no.

Marvel, if you want an Avenger with a public identity who kisses Iron Man's ass, has a bunch of powers and gadgets you want to make up on a whim, and who has zero personality or character outside of his costume, why not just make a new one up? You can do that, y'know. Give us back Peter Parker. Believe it or not, some people actually liked him and still have the imagination to think of some really great adventures.

There's an entirely different rant I could go on about why it sucks that comic book writers have seen fit to declare war on the secret identity, but I'll resist the temptation for now. All I'll say is that there are a couple of very good reasons for a secret identity, even outside the context of the story. First, it adds character-driven drama, which a well-written comic book needs desperately. Let's face it, comics are soap operas with people in tights now and then. Second, guys in costumes hitting each other aren't relatable and, after a while, get boring. A secret identity gives you two characters for the price of one--one to punch bad guys in the jaw for a few pages, and one for your reader to, y'know, actually care about and root for. With no secret identities we inevitably see way more of the costume than the person under it, which is just not good storytelling in my opinion.

So who knows how long we'll be saddled with this Spider-crap. The only good news is that comic book companies love to change things in order to piss people off, then change them back and pretend like they just did us all a favor. That means that, hopefully, all of these Spider-shenanigans will go the way of the Spider-Buggy and Ben Reilly.

Photographed by Jason and Peter Parker.

DVD Decision 2006: Gymkata!

It’s time to make a difference, movie fans! Sometimes there seems to be no rhyme or reason behind what makes its way on to DVD. There’s a Charles in Charge box set, but still no Star Wars Holiday Special on DVD?!? Bah humbug, Scott Baio and your Jedi mind tricks! Thankfully, Warner Home Video with the help of Amazon.com is giving us the chance to vote some overlooked films back into circulation.

DVD Decision 2006 dusts off 30 films from the Warner archives for you to vote on, and the top 10 picks will be released on DVD. Most of the candidates are relatively early and obscure works by people who’d go on to better things. But forget the vintage Jodie Foster, Michael Crichton and Oliver Stone fluff – one movie clearly shines above the rest: Gymkata.

That middle judge is a dead man.

Somehow, the ‘80s action movie that mixed gymnastics with martial arts ass-kickery made the cut. Now, we at Hands in the Air don’t want to step on your democratic toes by blatantly endorsing Gymkata, but if you don’t vote for it, we’ll have to mess you up with a crouching handspring while simultaneously dazzling you with our streamer ribbons and floor exercises. Seriously, don’t make us get all Mary Lou Retton on your ass. Besides, if the Gymkata DVD release does well, it could spawn sequels featuring other martial arts hybrids, like Yogakata, Lambada-Kata and Synchronized Swimkata.

So please vote for what will be the most awesome DVD release ever. You can cast your votes for Gymkata here.

Gymkata could save your life. You never know when you could run into ninjas while on the parallel bars.