I'm one of Santa's operatives, and lately I've been in charge of the Spanking Division (we help, ah, rehab people from the "Naughty" list by spanking away their, um, naughtiness). Not only does that put me on the permanent "Nice" list and guarantee that I can get into all the hot North Pole nightspots, it also means I'm privy to some serious Santa's inner circle shit. Now, Santa is drinking buddies with Baby Jesus--yes, Jesus can take many forms, but he thinks using the "Baby Jesus" form is most hilarious when he goes drinking--and around this time of year, Baby Jesus gets pissed. Not pissed drunk, the dude can change the alcohol in his blood into normal old, um, whatever is in your blood when alcohol isn't, but pissed pissed. He doesn't mind that people celebrate his birthday on the totally wrong day. I mean, he did, but he's had time to get over that. He also doesn't mind getting older, obviously, since he can change into Baby form at will.
No, what Baby Jesus gets major Old Testament-style wrath of God pissed about is Toys for Tots. And Santa is right there with him. They're so similar, it's totally spooky. Almost every year they get each other the same exact thing for Christmas. Last year it was a carton of smokes and a white undershirt--long story--think Judd Nelson in
The Breakfast Club and Schneider from
One Day at a Time and you're 95% of the way there.
Yeah, that's right, Toys for Tots. And if you've ever looked inside the Toys for Tots drop-off boxes, particularly the ones at workplaces but really any one will do--you should know exactly why this issue crawls up Baby Jesus and Santa's collective ass and stays there.
SC and
BJ are all for charity, mind you. And they love the Marines for the work they do with the Toys for Tots program. They don't have a problem with the whole concept of Toys for Tots. They have a problem with how it all ends up working out--that most of the toys that land in the Toys for Tots drop-off boxes suck a big candy cane-flavored dick.
Don't act all innocent, you know what I'm talking about. You can't be surprised that Baby Jesus and Santa Claus are super pissed at pretty much all of you "generous" souls who donate to Toys for Tots only to stick the toy equivalent of 5-year old cans of creamed corn and that
Clamato you accidentally bought that one time you were drunk at the grocery store into the donation bins. (Oh, and they're not too happy about that food drive bullshit y'all pull, either, but this toy shit really gets them going.)
Since I work for Santa, it's up to me to do his dirty work and break it down here. When it comes to charities like Toys for Tots, it's not actually the fucking thought that counts. You have to loosen up your wallet (and maybe your cobwebbed-over, creaky-ass heart) put down a few dollars more on the toys. And while you're at it, get the hell out of the dollar store and the cheap toy bullshit aisle in
Wal-Mart and buy some goddamn good toys to give to the poor kids. Your current donations are not cutting it, and at this rate, it's better you don't donate anything.
Do you know which toys, if any, your average poor kid can afford, and has easy access to? Um, fucking dollar store and the cheap aisle at
Wal-Mart toys. What the hell kind of favor do you think you're doing the Marines and the poor kids (wait--Toys for Tots is for poor kids, right?), dropping off those ugly, misshapen, no-name, no-fun toys? Is that what you give the children in your life? Kind of doubt it. Would you be pissed if your whorish stepsister or Mother-in-law tried to give your kids toys like that and called it a Christmas gift? Yeah, motherfucker, you would be extremely pissed and you know it. You'd never forgive those bitches.
So. Santa and Baby Jesus say: buy decent toys to put in the Toys for Tots bin, or don't fucking bother, you cheap-ass bastards.
It's now Christmas, so surely those poor, poor kids have been handed their dollar-store treasures. Did they cry, I wonder? Stare blankly at the "gift," wondering if they should say something or just let it go? Did the shitty toys hit the trash immediately, or do the kids destroy the toys in an elaborate, vengeful ceremony, just to get some small bit of enjoyment out of 'em? That's what I would do. That's what Santa would do. That's what Baby Jesus did with that frankincense and myrrh bullshit.
Goddammit I thought I was done here but you know, I really don't understand this shit. Why do people bother donating horrible bullshit to charity? Like, this one time, in college, the office I worked in adopted a family and bought them gifts, and I got so pissed because first of all they refused to buy the kids in the family video games, reasoning that the kids didn't need video games as much as they needed clothes (um, missing the fucking point a little, don't you think?) and clucking over the audacity of the kids asking for such unnecessary items when, you know, they're poor and clearly don't deserve the same fun other kids get to have if, apparently, they have the wardrobe for it. And then, to add a further layer of insult, as we were buying the family groceries and stuff they sent me to get the toilet paper, so I pulled down the Charmin I prefer for my own ass, and they took it back and bought the cheapest one-ply paper they make, again reasoning that this family didn't need the luxury toilet paper people like me use. Like they really said that, oh, they don't need that kind of toilet paper, this is good enough, just like the kids in the family didn't need the video games, like they were giving me a life lesson or something and they were, but not the one they thought they were. I guess you can argue the toilet paper point, as fucked up as that is, since lots of people use less luxurious paper than I do, but again, missing the fucking point of Christmas gifts and wish lists if you're only giving the giftees what they need and things that are good enough and not what they want and wish for and things that will make them feel for a moment the happiness and comfort we lucky types get to feel every single motherfucking day. Goddammit, that's some fucked up shit, and every time I (and uh, Baby Jesus and Santa Claus) see a Toys for Tots bin with bad toys and bad toys only in it, we get reminded of how much people suck, and we shed a tear. On the inside. We don't want the people we work with to think we're baby pussyfaces, crying at shit all the time.
Do these pants make me look blurry?
A year after that U2 guy earns the honor, The Edge and the rest of his band
Even Father Time wastes half a checkbook making that stupid mistake.
No, what Baby Jesus gets major Old Testament-style wrath of God pissed about is Toys for Tots. And Santa is right there with him. They're so similar, it's totally spooky. Almost every year they get each other the same exact thing for Christmas. Last year it was a carton of smokes and a white undershirt--long story--think Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club and Schneider from One Day at a Time and you're 95% of the way there.
Do you know which toys, if any, your average poor kid can afford, and has easy access to? Um, fucking dollar store and the cheap aisle at Wal-Mart toys. What the hell kind of favor do you think you're doing the Marines and the poor kids (wait--Toys for Tots is for poor kids, right?), dropping off those ugly, misshapen, no-name, no-fun toys? Is that what you give the children in your life? Kind of doubt it. Would you be pissed if your whorish stepsister or Mother-in-law tried to give your kids toys like that and called it a Christmas gift? Yeah, motherfucker, you would be extremely pissed and you know it. You'd never forgive those bitches.
Merry Christmas! I just bought your gift for $2,
Shaggy, Tom & Jerry, Dynomutt and the Wacky Races' Slag Brothers
In happier times, mentioning "George Clooney," "pork" and "19-year-old" in the same sentence would have the Good Night, and Good Luck star high-fivin' Matt Damon
