R.I.P. Charlies

Last week was a bad one for guys named Charles. On Friday, 1970s game show icon Charles Nelson Reilly passed away. Famous for being a Match Game fixture, the CNR leaves us with two very important things: a legacy of filling in the blanks with the word "boobs" and an entire closet full of ascots and toupees.

Charles Nelson Reilly
Actor, Match Game celebrity

January 13, 1931 - May 25, 2007

Also last week, Charlie Pace was finally killed off on Lost. For those of you who don't watch Lost, Charlie was better known as "that Hobbit guy" on the show. For those of you didn't see the series finale last Wednesday (SPOILER ALERT#1), Charlie died by drowning before (SPOILER ALERT #2!) the show failed to tie up any of its mysteries because the series got picked up for three more seasons, giving the writers a bit more time to figure out what the hell is supposed to happen on the show.

Charlie Pace
(Dominic Monaghan on Lost)
2004 - 2007

SPOILER ALERT #3: Since deaths are supposed to come in threes, it might be a safe bet to add a famous Charlie to your dead pool list right now. I'm not saying that I have an inside line on this or anything, but if Lucy pulls away that football again at the last second, she could have blood on her hands... and an awful lot of nickels from good-grief counseling a traumatized Peanuts gang with her psychiatric sessions.

Happy 200th Post!

Today, we celebrate our 200th post... in hell... for Sparta!

Jenni vs. Predator Part Two: Entrapture

Me 'n' my soul had a vision. We were, like, so totally on a mission. I may be filthy dirty in the mouth and mind, but still, there are way worse perverts out there, and little kids who need my help, since obviously their parents don't give a shit.

I put on my perv-huntin' "no fat chicks" cap, fired up the ol' lappytop, and got to trolling for justice.

I'll be the first to admit, the early attempts didn't go very well. I think it was my opening lines. Perhaps I was a touch overeager.

6yrsgoingon12in: Whew, I needs me some cock.
(virtual crickets)
6yrsgoingon12in: I sed I'm 6 years old and HORNEE!!!!11!1!!
((dickenjane has left the chat room))
((D.Flower has left the chat room))
((kilfhunter69 has left the chat room))
((yngaznluvrmiller has left the chat room))

[DO OVER]

blewnicorn95: my virginity is like a brick in my tiny, lacy underpants. heavy and scratchy. If only someone would...lay that brick.
((Peeniemeeniemineymo has left the chat room))
((Chodeally has left the chat room))
((cap'njzz has left the chat room))
((the chat room is empty))
blewnicorn95: anyone?

[DO OVER]

Virjenni: Someone put me out of my misery--I've gone 10 years without sex! Ha! Because I'm only 10!! Get it? 10 years without sex? Come on, I know most of you are three, four times my age and can totally beat that!!! Let's hear it boys! Are you hornier than a fifth grader?
painalingus has left the chat room
bigballz6969 has left the chat room
insemenator has left the chat room

Huh. My quarry was obviously a bit sharper than Chris Hansen had lead me to believe--the hard sell was not gonna work. Luckily, I used to be a profeshunal writer, so I knew from subtlety. But once I started being "real" I got sort of depressed about the whole thing. How can anyone really do this and not want to blow their brains out?

Katsnatchfvr: NE buddy want 2 be my friend?
Katsnatchfvr: talk 2 me!!!!
tungkiss: Hey, sweethart, how'r U?
Katsnatchfvr: OK but how do u kno i'm sweet?
tungkiss: I dont.....but i wood like 2 find out!
Katsnatchfvr: ^o^" how?!?
tungkiss: u no how
Katsnatchfvr: no -__- ?
tungkiss: i can taste u
tungkiss: down there
Katsnatchfvr: oh yeah? on my foots?
tungkiss: UR silly I mean ur girl parts!!
Katsnatchfvr: "girl parts?!?" those have a name, dickweed
tungkiss: huh?
Katsnatchfvr: uh...oh i bet that would tingle tangle me in my underpants place
tungkiss: oh yeah u will LOVE it
Katsnatchfvr: describe it to me!!
tungkiss: i will kiss you down there like on ur mouth but instead on your pussy
Katsnatchfvr: oh you think that will do something? pfft. no wonder you talk to preteens online.
tungkiss: uh oh God UR a cop
Katsnatchfvr: silly! i was just jokin...like that guy on TV whose name nobody ever remembers
tungkiss: thats not funny we could get in a lot of truble
Katsnatchfvr: we?
tungkiss: yeah and then we cant be in luv anymore honey
Katsnatchfvr: "Luv?" Um, yeah. You probably kind of mean that. This is just too sad. Are people really this lonely? Do all of you really have no one better to talk to? Fuck, that's some messed up shit right there. Ugh, I need to lie down.
tungkiss: and I can get on top of you and make you feel good with my hard cock in your tiny pussy
Katsnatchfvr: ...
tungkiss: baby what's wrong? u make me horny
Katsnatchfvr: you make me worry about the future. and the past.
tungkiss: don't worry ill use protection
Katsnatchfvr: that's not...wow.
tungkiss: you'll be saying wow a lot honey i promise
tungkiss: i really kno how 2 do it
Katsnatchfvr: that i seriously doubt, or you wouldn't need to be here chatting up kids

Yeah, so, in the end, I didn't manage to get anyone arrested. I mean, I went to their houses and hammered their balls flat, and fed them anything that leaked out. But I'm telling you, half of them liked it, so, mission totally not accomplished.

Oh, well, no matter. I had a vision the other day about people who steal music and movies from defenseless corporations. Surely that will be an easier vigilante mission for me...(wink)

Until then, here's a bonus one:

[DO OVER]

rubberpantz: nknhbhkbmesddrs asdfasfdfdsasaewajk (Hey pervs! that means, "Hi, I'm a little toddler, totally unable to express my deep and boundless desire for delicious grown man-cock, but rest assured, I am in the market. Are any of you, perhaps, a member of the clergy, or a teacher?")

Celebrities Under the Influence

While tabloid TV shows like Extra are preoccupied with reporting that Anna Nicole is still dead, the real juicy gossip from this past weekend involves celebs and the bottle.

First, David Hasselhoff was shown drunk, on the floor and struggling to eat a hamburger in a videotape more publicly shameful than his appearance in Nick Fury: Agent of Shield.

Talking to a car was the first that hint the 'Hoff had a problem.

The next big bit o' weekend wino gossip is that Ty Pennington, host of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and designer of Sears towels, got busted on suspicion of drunk driving.

What's really noteworthy about the story (besides the fact that Sears reportedly touts "designer" towels) is that the scandal is just begging to be made over with home improvement puns... Ty got hammered! He was drinking a screwdriver! The cops nailed him! He applied some stucco and a faux patina to age up rumpus room! OK, so they're not all winners, but you can at least be guaranteed that if he ends up serving time, his cell will have sweetest racecar bed and beachfront mural in the county. If only Paris Hilton were so handy.

Ty one on!

Millions of Imaginary Girlfriends Trapped at Home While Comic-Book Geeks Flock to Movie Premiere

Now in theaters.

Only a superhero could have the potential to end the
three-week reign of Disturbia at the top of the U.S. box office.