Criticize At Your Own Risk

Uwe Boll is a genius. You might not know this auteur director by name, but surely his body of work speaks for itself. That’s right, this man brought you classics like House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and most recently, BloodRayne. He, perhaps more than any other force in filmmaking, is dedicated to showcasing the quality stories of hit video game properties on the silver screen.

Now, some backlash is understandable. Gamers are very passionate, often disturbed individuals, and they take their video games very personally. They also have shitty taste in movies, because, if you believe the Internet, they all think Uwe’s movies are “teh suck.” How dare you, nerds? How dare you!

"MeeMee dis is Super Monkey Balls, is sensual, is much dangerous! So many balls, so mittle time! Take off your top...oh. No top, goot, goot, verrrrry goot! Okay dee zombie ninja banana monsters are about to attack! Get your super monkey ball-drainer ready..."

So what is Uwe, a healthy German man of honor to do with all of those Internet nerds and armchair directors? Beat the ever-loving shit out of them. Hells yeah. Honestly, while you might not appreciate Uwe’s works for the modern-day masterpieces that they are, spreading your hateful venom all over the Internet has its consequences, and one of those is a knuckle-sammich, courtesy of the esteemed director.

Now of course the whiny nerds who cry all day about how bad Uwe’s movies are, also piss and moan about “oh, it was s’posed to be a P.R. stunt! I didn’t know he was gonna kick my ass for reals!” Boo-frickin’-hoo, bitches! Guess what—just because you have a virtual set of testicles that allow you to be an asshole on the Internet, doesn’t mean that you are in possession of a real, honest-to-god set of them. You might be the big man in “cyberspace,” but you still have to live in the real world, and in the real world Uwe Boll is richer, stronger and more successful than you are.

So who’s the real loser—the guy who makes cheap movies you don’t like about video games whose stories are shitty to begin with, or the nerd who whines and complains about said movies to make himself seem cool to other nerds…on the Internet? Whose name do more people know? Who makes more money? Who gets hot actresses to take their tops off? Yeah, shut your mouth you emo Internet assholes. Shut your mouth or the "Raging Boll" will shut it for you!