Food for Naught

The usual gang of Hands in the Air idiots has been holding on to some questionable snacks for a goodly amount of time. With the uh, football season starting and all, it seemed like the perfect time to taste and rate 'em.

Dagoba organic chocolate bar in hazelnut. Yo-duh.

Jason: Do midichlorians taste like wax? 'Cause that's all I taste.

Steve: Forget the Jedi, this candy bar is what deserves Order 66.* The Dagobah dragonsnake would spit this chocolate out, just like it spit out Artoo.

Jenni: Organic chocolate is for chumps. This tastes like if the snake from the Yoda action figure went all organic chocolatier on us and used swamp shit to make chocolate that didn't taste too great. With hazelnuts that really didn't taste good at all. And barely noticeable rice crisps.

Even more pointless than you'd imagine: Sports Bar Snacks in Hot Wings & Blue Cheese.

Steve: These things taste like crap, no matter how many Hooters girls bring them to you.

Jason: Tastes like Chex coated with powdered Satan farts.**

Jenni: The idea is very funny but the execution is just eh, whatever. I was disappointed that these weren't aggressively bad but instead were just kinda crappy but like, I could eat them if I really had to. They sat on our coffee table and stunk up the place, though.


Limited edition KitKat in MilkShake brings no boys to the yard.

Jenni: If you hadn't told me it was different I might not have noticed. Smells a little like malt, which would make it KitKat in Malt, not MilkShake but whatever. The chocolate is a l'il milkier than your usual KitKat. I hate it that I am actually kind of talking about the snacks and the boys are just making jokes. It's not fair.

Jason: Gimmie a break, gimmie a break, break me off a gun and shoot me--that's the last time I spend 80 bucks on a candy bar on eBay. Doopduhduhleekduhdoopduhduh.

Steve: I like the idea of limited-edition perishable items, but this candy is bullshit. It doesn't taste like milkshake, it just tastes like an imitation KitKat.




*That's the order that had all the Jedi executed, for those of you who aren't Star Wars dorks.

**"Satan farts" adapted from an "Angel farts" joke made by Jenni the other day, which we're totally writing an inspirational book about.