Scariest Halloween Ideas Ever

It’s finally October, and that means two things depending on who you are:

1. If you’re a mulleted DJ at the local Zoo/Edge/Kiss/Star radio station, it’s Rocktober and the month of Double-Shot Thursdays.

2. If you're anybody else, it’s time for Halloween.

Don't give toothbrushes out for Halloween. That’s not a treat.
That’s like giving out burn kits to kids on the 4th of July.

To guarantee that this Halloween is pants-pissingly scary (October’s already off to a frightening start with the revelation of the Screech sex tape and the fact that two Ashton Kutcher movies opened at the top of this weekend’s box office), I’m giving you my suggestions for making the spookiest haunted house ever...

When trick-or-treaters visit, have a youngster answer the door. Here are some scary costume suggestions for what the tot should be dressed as:

• Steve Irwin (wear a khaki outfit and "accessorize" with a sting ray barb)

• John Mark Karr (wear a short-sleeve maroon button-up shirt that’s two sizes too big and hike up your pants above your stomach, then pretend you did it)

• A Zombie (dress up as Katie Holmes, then act like Tom is around)

After the kid answers the door, have the child let the trick-or-treaters into the kitchen, where your guests will be left to wait. Then, you pop out from behind a curtain in the kitchen and say, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.”

It's more effective than saying "Boo!" But be careful – those aren’t Snickers bars you'll see plopping on the linoleum.

“Let me read you this transcript: ‘Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.’ You really think that's appropriate to say to a child?”

For those of you who don’t know, Chris Hansen hosts a recurring hidden-camera sting operation on Dateline called “To Catch a Predator,” in which he ambushes online pervs who’ve been lured to suburban kitchens for what they think is a sure thing with an underage kid. Instead, they get their Gymboree-chasin’ pants scared off of them when a news reporter comes out and punks them into a 20-year stint in prison. It’s the best show on television, and you can catch it every Friday at 9pm when you’re not rockin’ like a hurricane to a double dose of The Scorpions this Rocktober.