Can't look away from the Oscarnage

As wannabe Hollywood insiders (read: douches in training) it seemed only natural that we should liveblog the Oscars from our unbelievably close perch approximately 22 blocks away from the Academy Awards' epicenter (and one of our favorite Chinese joints, incidentally). Yep, we're close enough to hear the helicopters overhead, then hear them again a moment later on the preshow. Take that, flyover states!

I know some people like it when the latest post is at the top for liveblogging...well, fuck y'all, I'm not gonna do it one way then reverse it for posterity. Deal with it.

5:08 Steve is killing me with his extremely strong opinions on what the ladies are wearing. He's got a bit of the Seacrest in him. I was going to make a penis in ass joke here, but I didn't, becuz the Oscars is classy.

Steve's likes: Jennifer Lopez and Reese Witherspoon's dresses.

Steve's observations on fashion: Cameron Diaz looks like hell. Hate the hair, hate the makeup, hate the dress. The earrings are ok. Reese Witherspoon's hair color is awful, he hates that dark roots with blonde hair look. And he can't believe people aren't calling Nicole Kidman on her bullshit red bow on shoulder disaster. He also hates when people like Penelope Cruz pull their hair back, because a lot of the actresses have too angular features and you really need a softer, rounder face to make that look work.

We've both noticed a lot of people are rocking the cool-toned light brown hair that I've had for a few years now. God you fucking Hollywood bitches, quit fucking copying me!

5:22 Oh Marky Mark, I think we all know why you weren't in a Martin Scorsese film any sooner. He knew that peepee you were showing off in Boogie Nights was fake.

5:24 Did that ugly, wooden broad from Lucky Magazine just call Guillermo del Toro, Alfonso Cuaron and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu "The Three Amigos?" Oh ha ha three Mexicans at the Oscars, and none with a broom! Delightful. If we cover you in cinnamon sugar, Guillermo del Toro will eat you alive, bitch.

5:31 I'm hating this seemingly Mac commercial-inspired opening sequence. Too long, not cute, is this supposed to be funny? Oh, Helen Mirren (naughty link NSFW), Steve said earlier he'd stuff her ballot box, if you get my meaning. That means he would fuck her.

5:35 Thank God they're spotlighting everyone who's nominated. They really don't get enough credit. Except for this big fucking award show. And the Governor's Ball afterward. And the increased paychecks from the cachet of being nominated. Are there still gift bags? I think there are, they just need to pay taxes on them (wink).

5:37 Jason (who's working right now, ha ha ha sucker) says this year's Oscar theme is "Green Oscars" or something. This is the green Oscars? Hence the arrivals in hybrid cars. Oh, you mean they didn't show that on your TV, either? Yeah. Wicked. I hope you're happy, Al Gore. P.S. I like Ellen's daring dark red velvet pantsuit. The shoes, maybe not. She sort of looks like the red velvet cupcake I had the other day. Ellen is my little cupcake.

5:41 I am having a hard time paying attention to the opening monologue. That Blacks, gays and Jews joke/follow-up Oscar joke was actually pretty funny, tho.

5:45 The first award--Art Direction. Oh, Jason was right, they did shuffle the traditional order of awards. He says because the producers of the show felt the big ones this year are the supporting actor categories that usually lead the show, if they lead with them, people would tune out early. So, there you go. Speaking of Jason, he's on to an early lead in our small Oscar pool, having picked Pan's Labyrinth as the winner.

5:53 Will Ferrel's white man fro is making my girl parts tingle. Or, the bleach I used to clean the bathroom really is as toxic as I thought it might be...since my girl parts are like, so not the only things tingling.

5:55 Jack Black thinks Helen Mirren is hot, too. See, Steve, it's OK I outed you. I like this little comedy song thing. Did I just earn my Hollywood Douche Card? Pwease?!?

5:58 The makeup award goes to Pan's Labyrinth. Jason called it. We now think he was holding out on us, the little bitch. We were at the Silver Spoon (A QT hangout! Douche Card?) filling out our ballot things and we had only one pen and he was all "Wah, I don't know what to pick, you guys go first." Yeah right, you bastard.

6:01 Kids and Oscars go together like peanut butter and jelly...like hamburgers and french fries...hell, like kids and rape scenes. Uh-oh, Jaden messed up, Will is probably okay with that but Jada don't play. None of us picked The Danish Poet for Animated Short. West Bank Story wins for Live Action Short, which Steve and I picked and Jason said would totally not win. Whatev, Jason.

6:13 I think we're all pretty confused about this sound effects choir, including those in the audience. Failed joke? Real thing? Dunno. Oh, well.

6:15 Sound Editing...Letters from Iwo Jima. It is usually a war movie that wins this shit. Sound Mixing...Dreamgirls. I like how they're illustrating what these categories mean with visuals because I'm sure people think it should just be one Goddamn category.

6:22 Supporting Actor. What kind of clip is that from Little Children? Dude comes out of a pool, yelling? Maybe someone doesn't like that dude. Alan Arkin wins. Eddie Murphy is putting on a good face, but I think I caught a microexpression of surprise. Steve is gloating because even tho he didn't pick Arkin, he was certain Eddie Murphy would not win. He thinks we owe him something for knowing that.

I think the bendy people acting out the Best Picture nominees thing is sort of cute. Steve hates them and thinks things like this should be cut, not acceptance speeches. He doesn't get that they have to put on a show. His Douche Card is so not in the mail.

6:36 Hollywood is Al Gore's dirty little bitch. How else can you explain Current TV still being on the air? They're talking about the green Oscars now. Yeah, nothing wasteful about a huge show like this. No way.

6:42 Ellen's a decent host. Oh, who doesn't like insertion of the animated characters into the audience? Oh, look, reaction shots! Ahahahaha. Golly, gee, how did they do that? It looks soooo real. Happy Feet wins the Animated Feature category.

6:45 A tribute to writers. Oh, please, anyone can write. The internet is proof of that.

6:49 What do you think they'll do with that bitchin' crystal curtain? Sparkly.

6:50 Best Adapted Screenplay--they're reading from the scripts over the scene from the movie, then continuing the scene from the movie only. My God, it's like, movie magic. Someone writes this stuff? Even the visual stuff? Get out of here right now. The Departed wins. The announcer person just called Infernal Affairs a Japanese movie. Um. Awesome.

7:00 Costume design. This is nice, having the costumes there. Marie Antoinette wins. Yeah, those are pretty sweet.

7:13 Cinematography. Pan's Labyrinth. Yeah, I have only gotten two right, including this one. I'm sucking.

7:21 Visual Effects. Pirates of the Caribbean. The factoids they're occasionally giving out about the winners are dumb. The winner's joke about being blind and from the Bronx--hilarious! The Bronx sucks! Hah! It makes you blind and unfunny.

7:25 Do they always get foreigners to give out the Best Foreign Language Film award? Because they should. Because they're foreign films. Americans don't see those and don't care. Well, if one had like a lot of boobies in it, maybe. Les Boobies du Matin or some shit. I adore Cate Blanchett's dress. It has boobies in it, that's why I care. The Lives of Others won, in case you do care.

7:33 Has George Clooney had work done recently? He looks fantastic. As fresh and dewy as Abigail Breslin. Jennifer Hudson won. She's pretty dewy, too. Beyonce's reaction shot--the best acting she's ever, ever done. Oh, Jennifer Hudson. That last-minute shout-out to Jennifer Holliday...you're keepin' it for really real, girl.

7:40 A Dancing With the Stars promo just implied that dancing with one fake leg is the "ultimate dance challenge." Or...does that mean she doesn't get to wear the prosthetic leg in the competition? Because I would so watch that.

7:43 The Blood of Yingzhou District wins the Documentary Short category. Steve wonders aloud if they have to let people give speeches for categories nobody cares about. Oh my little Steve. He's so cute.

7:47 Best Documentary Feature. Let's see if Hollywood really is Al Gore's dirty little bitch. Um, yep. An Inconvenient Truth wins. Larry David is a big environmentalist, which is why they cut to him for a reaction shot, in case you're wondering. Show directors do that sort of thing. (That Hollywood Douche Card must be in the mail now.)

7:51 Jason says Ennio Morricone is pissed he's getting an honorary Oscar because he rather liked being in the company of those who were never given an Oscar. I see his point. But truly, he's now in the company of greats like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon (Screenplay), Hoppy Goldberg (Supporting Actress) and the guy who wrote "You Light Up My Life." So. Yeah. Good company either way.

8:08 Babel wins for Original Score. Latino power! That's why I'm the one liveblogging. It's our year.

8:11 Didn't Kirsten Dunst used to have tits? Like, pretty decent tits? Isn't that why white guys (and pretty much only white guys) think she's hot? The tittays? Original Screenplay. They're doing the reading trick, which Steve rather likes. I guess it's nice that they are illustrating some of the--ah--boring-er categories for the plebs and all. Like Steve. Little Miss Sunshine wins. Jason and I are tied at 7 correct guesses each. Steve's rocking in at 5. We are sucking on this one.

8:23 Steve says that losing the Oscar was the kind of loss Eddie Murphy can only soothe by the killing of hookers. Yeah, I think we've all been there. Oh look, Jennifer Hudson's bra appears to be showing a bit. Scandal! Oh no, not a choir. Please, no. Didn't we all collectively get over that in the 90s?

8:28 Melissa Etheridge is also Al Gore's dirty little bitch. She won for Best Song, tho. Upset! You all thought something from Dreamgirls was gonna win, didn't ya? Yeah, we did, too.

8:36 Will Smith is just magical because it looks like at any moment his ears will start flapping, at first like a butterfly and then faster, like a hummingbird, and take him up to heaven where he must have come from. I think that's why America loves him so.

8:40 Kate Winslet is wearing mint green. A couple of broads are. Beyonce was, anyway. Why? It's ugly. Actually, Kate's dress might be closer to a pastel version of lime green. Sage? Whatever, still ugly. Film Editing category. Thelma Schoonmaker. Damn, I shoulda picked her. I thought about it.

8:45 Time for, as Steve calls it, The March of the Dead People. 'Bout halfway thru and James Doohan is winning--God finally beamed him up. Robert Altman, the last person, totally won, but the clapping was subdued throughout, even for people like Peter Boyle. Huh. Green Oscars, you have a lot to answer for. Does clapping for the dead increase your carbon footprint? I guess it must. Damn you, Al Gore!

8:54 Helen Mirren wins Best Actress. Um, why does Meryl Streep dress like that? Like she's a drama teacher or a psychotherapist? Huh? Anyone?

9:04 (Or so.) Forest Whitaker wins Best Actor. Man, what the fuck is he talking about with lifetimes and shit? That whole speech was just...I totally couldn't listen.

9:07 I think everyone in the world knew this was Martin Scorsese's year, including whoever picked the presenters. This Best Director gets a standing O and big cheers from the audience. That's nice, actually. Somehow, I don't think they'll be playing him off as he runs at the mouth in that adorably New Yawk way.

9:14 The Departed wins Best Picture. Final tallies: Steve with eight right and Jason and Jenni tying for the win with a pathetic 11 correct each. Together, we only correctly picked the winners of 15 of the 24 categories.

Hm. Maybe I shoulda told someone I was doing this liveblogging thing, since it's maybe more interesting in the moment. Oh, well.

Shave 4 U

Britney is bald! After a year of dominating entertainment news by dropping her husband/baby/panties, Britney Spears has resorted to a new ploy to land herself on the front pages of the tabloids by shaving her head. The stunt is almost taking some of the limelight away from Anna Nicole, who even in death is still able to snag the top story on Extra.

As Steve puts it, "Britney's carpet finally matches the drapes."

In a time when other stars are sporting hairpieces to cover up their baldness (see Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider), Brit is bravely going Brazilian up top. Sure, Natalie Portman has already done that for V for Vendetta, but in a show of support for Britney, the Hands in the Air gang will be cue-balling it Britney-style for the day...

Valentine's Day Tribute, Part 3

Happy Valentine's Day! Whether you're wining and dining a loved one or hiding out at home so no one will see you're spending the night alone, the occasion manages to bring out the warm fuzzies in all of us. To celebrate, here's the third and final installment of the Hands in the Air gang re-enacting famous romance scenes from the movies...

Steve and Jenni in Romeo and Juliet

Jenni and Steve in Armageddon

Chris in The Crying Game

Valentine's Day Tribute, Part 2

Happy VD eve! It's time for the second installment of toy tributes to Hollywood's most famous romantic scenes starring the Hands in the Air gang!

Jenni and Steve in Titanic

Jenni and Steve in Ghost

Jason in Say Anything

Valentine's Day Tribute, Part 1

Valentine's Day is just two days away and the Oscars are coming up at the end of the month, so I'm paying tribute to both occasions by staging a series of toy photo shoots inspired by some of the most romantic scenes in movie history.

I'll post these Valentine's Day Special Toy Dioramas (or "VD-STDs," as I'll call them) each day until Wednesday, because I think sharing my VD-STDs is probably the most intimate thing I can give you for the season. It's a gesture worthy of applause (or "the clap," as I'll call it).

Spend each night with me as I spread my VD-STDs around for Valentine's Day, and share my VD-STDs with someone special in a viral campaign of love!

Spider-Man

Check back tomorrow and on Valentine's Day to see the Hands in the Air gang re-enact some of Hollywood's most romantic scenes!

R.I.P. Anna Nicole

You can't beat fate. Anna Nicole Smith's death is untimely and tragic, but it didn't take a Vegas oddsmaker to predict that she'd be a quick payout for any celebrity dead pool list. The riskier bet would be whether or not her "acting" career qualifies her to make it as a last-minute addition to the Oscar ceremony's morbid yet tasteful "Dead People Montage." Her role in The Hudsucker Proxy might qualify as legitimate filmwork, but her questionable appearances on camera in Skyscraper or Playmates Bustin' Out, might cancel that out.

Anna Nicole Smith

November 28, 1967 - February 8, 2007

Statement of bad taste #302:

So, does this mean her newborn daughter has to get a shoulder tattoo depicting the baby with late brother Daniel and mother Anna Nicole?

Famous for gettin' naked & gettin' fat and for becoming the wife of a rich old guy & becoming the widow of a rich old guy, Anna Nicole is now on her way to becoming a martyr for latter-day celebutards like Paris, Nicole and Lindsay. Surely St. Trimspa will be keeping tabloid TV like Extra busy theorizing about her death: her son dies when her daughter is born... then Anna dies when the DNA tests are about to reveal her daughter's true father.

Could these be suicides related to the baby's father's true identity? Could the father be Anna Nicole's own son? Could I be going to hell any sooner? Just remember where you first heard this theory, 'cause if I'm right I'll be one hellbound jackass with a hell of an intuition. If I'm wrong, I'll just be a hellbound jackass. You can't beat fate.

Comic Belief

The leaders of the African nation of Guinea-Bissau have learned that Whoopi Goldberg can trace most of her ancestry back to tribes indigenous to their country--and yes, they're thinking what you're thinking: "How can they cash in on this shit?" For truly, what poor African nation hasn't benefited from being the ancestral home of vaguely famous American comedians-cum-center squares?

This is Yasmin, of Bratz Babyz fame. She can trace her ancestry pretty far back--her family tree includes a mermaid who used to herself be a slutty baby mermaid, a slutty tuna and a slutty barrel of oil.

Exactly. Cottage fucking industry in the Africa. Drive down the main thoroughfare in any African city and you'll be sure to encounter dozens of waifs waving maps to stars' tribal homes. You can't throw a "We Are the World" CD without hitting one of millions of huts purporting to be Michael Jackson's forefathers' stomping grounds. Just kidding, they only do that for Black celebrities.

One of the best parts of the story is that the Guinea-Bissauans have only the vaguest idea of who Whoopi Goldberg actually is (and you thought there was no upside to living in the Third World) and so they addressed her as "Your Excellency Hoppy Goldberg" in their letter to her, asking her to visit and, you know, let her fat American ass leave a slime trail of money all over their country.

Yeah, so, after seeing this story, I linked Jason to it. And the gods of AIM comedy did smile upon the conversation:

Jenni: This story wants to be a TV movie, Oprah special, and, of course, Successories poster.
Jason: Yes. I loooove Hoppy Goldberg.
Jenni: Don't we all.
Jenni: At the end, one of the locals says she's pretty.
Jenni: Clearly, a nation impoverished even in beauty.
Jason: Yeah. It's hard to know true beauty when movies like Sister Act haven't filtered down to you yet.
Jenni: She's the first person who ever had one of those African scam letters crafted specifically for her. Pity she didn't get it.
Jason: I hope they adopt her. It's like reverse Angelina or Madonna.
Jenni: I'm confused by their reasoning, tho. Hoppy Goldberg's ancestors are from there...so now the whole nation will be famous?
Jenni: Do people want to see the ancestral Hoppy Goldberg home in some godforsaken place?
Jason: Hmmm. Confusing mixed messages. Maybe Chris is from Guinea-Bissau, too.
Jenni: Perhaps.
Jenni: Where's the detail in the story where the reporter notices the country is too poor for anyone in it to have eyebrows?
Jason: A whole country of people with black lips and no eyebrows.
Jenni: No wonder no one goes there.
Jason: That, and they didn't start showing Burglar and Jumping Jack Flash until recently.
Jason: Crap, we should totally be talking heads on those E! shows...
Jenni: I'll say.
Jason: Save this conversation and paste the transcript into the blog for an instant story.
Jenni: Yeah we should do that more.

We're actually having headshots taken so we can be talking heads. I mean, hell, if we're this funny off the cuff while working...

Marlon Brando Shoves Phone Down His Girlfriend's Throat

No bull, some guy named Marlon Brando (not the dead one) was convicted of shoving a cellphone down his girlfriend's throat. He didn't just attempt to put it in but he actually got the whole thing into her throat and she had to go to the hospital. The craziest thing was that he said that she did it to hide her call history with other guys. This guy thinks a jury never heard of the delete button or paper copies of the phone bill?

Happy Groundhog Day

Cartoon Network's Ratings Bomb

The good news: Boston didn't blow up. The bad news: America overreacts to a Cartoon Network guerilla marketing campaign. The other bad news: People from Boston still talk with the worst-ever accents known to humankind.

Yesterday, dozens of Lite Brites depicting the Cartoon Network's Mooninites (from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) were placed on buildings and bridges in various cities across the United States. In Boston, the electronic light boards depicting the cartoon characters -- who were characteristically flipping the middle finger -- were perceived to be bombs.

The evil Mooninites descend upon Boston! Shove that up your overproduced hard-rock-lovin' ass!

When cartoon characters flipping the bird on a Lite Brite can be perceived as a terrorist threat, it's obvious that authorities are convinced that terrorists are now going for style points. Soon, the terrorists will enter the realm of cartoon supervillainy to deliver explosives in oversized gift-wrapped boxes or other showy methods of presentation commonly used by the Joker, the Penguin or Jokey Smurf.

Why should Homeland Security tip off the terrorists whenever we decide it's safe to let our guard down?

Confuse the terrorists with the new Levity Meter, which has an inverse relationship to national security.
Lighten up, Boston!

After the faux dust from the hoax settled, the only victim claimed in the "bomb scare" was Irony, whose life was tragically lost when officials blamed Cartoon Network's corporate greed and capitalism as being un-American.

At least, the channel's Aqua Teen Hunger Force got some major press out of the ordeal. It's a great show, so be sure to watch it. And please don't misinterpret that last plug for the series as being a bomb threat.

Like you, just don't care.

Here it is a freaking year later--the one-year anniversary of the blog. Last year was a elephant cock full of creamy assholes for me (so--three guesses why I didn't do a year in review), and this year, well, I'm withholding judgment but we all know I'm a glass-half-empty-even-of creamy-assholes* kind of girl, so to say it doesn't look too good just yet might be underselling it.

Jason, in an attempt to get me to contribute to this piece of shit blog once again, suggested I try revisiting the very first post. Yeah, whatever, fuck.

For nostalgia's sake, I'll concentrate on what I believe to be everyone's current favorite things/obsessions. And yes, we're still shallow. Tho honestly, I think my current state of vacillating between depression and anger makes me a bit deeper than the rest of these dog-fucking fart captains.

Jenni: Man, shit, you know what I like? Watching TV and reading shit so I don't have to think about shit. I'm obsessed with getting to the point where I don't have to play these bullshit nicey-nice games all the time, just so I don't offend anyone or make anyone uneasy 'cause I don't put up with shit, or I say what needs saying. I'm pretty sure I have to be filthy motherfucking rich but not famous to make that a reality, so, yeah. I'll figure it out. And then you penis chewers better watch out, 'cause no matter how big a bitch you think I am now, believe me, I've been holding back. Way back.

Steve: He still likes almost the exact same shit, plus more fucking video games if you can believe it. Just read the first post. I'll wait. I bought the boys another Hilary Duff calendar. Now you're excited, I know. That's the fucking interesting news of the century, right there. Oh, Jason and Steve are still pervs who won't admit they like Hilary Duff now because she reminds them of the little girl they really liked? Wow. You don't say.

Jason: You know what he likes? Music. Goddamn that motherfucker likes music. It's like, shit, dude, what the fuck is up with all that music? Thank God, tho, 'cause he curates my iPod, Lord knows I'm too fucking lazy to do it. He also likes telling stories about celebrities and celebrity-related events, not sure if you noticed.

Christopher: Himself, himself, things related to himself, podcasting even though he's not good at it, himself, people related to himself, the cockhole city he lives in, himself.


We have a podcast, but fuck if I want to keep doing it. Have you heard it lately? Seriously, why even fucking bother?


*Yes, that's right, if I'm to have a glass full of creamy assholes, you best believe I want a full one. Know why the assholes are creamy? Think back to last night, whore. It will come to you.