Robots in Disgust

Like every good patriot, we spent our 4th of July exactly how our forefathers intended -- we saw Transformers. Everyone knows that the true American dream is for a car to turn into a robot, and Michael Bay's blockbuster played out like a flag-waving triumph of the human spirit. Or maybe it was just a bunch of stuff explodin' with a robot pee-pee joke mixed in for good measure. In either case, we saw the movie (or maybe endured is a better word) and have a few thoughts on it...
The Arclight theater in Hollywood had the Autobots on display. In related vehicle prop synergy, the Arclight also had the sailboat from estrogenated weepie Evening on display. That's the movie starring Meryl Streep, Claire Danes and some chick who looks like Laura Dern, Jr. ...Yeah, nobody was interested in looking at the boat.

Jenni's 5 random thoughts on Transformers:

1. The line "No no no no no" is uttered by literally half the cast, and I think Shia says it at least three times. Sometimes another word is added -- "No no no no no run!" -- or what have you, but, yeah. Shit, I guess screenwriting is easy.
   
   
2. The transforming sound effect never seems to actually correspond to any particular bit of transforming. It's sort of just played early in the transformation. Totally took me out of the moment every time.
   
   
3. There's really no logic to the transformative powers of the robots. They can scan other machines and remake themselves (which you would imagine involves some type of matter generation or at least manipulation) but they apparently can only use that power to change their body styles or paint jobs but not, like, heal themselves. Some robots die when ripped apart, others do not. That's silly.
   
   
4. Shia LaBeouf is not appealing. He can't carry a film. And he's not even that good of an actor. I don't care what Steven Spielberg thinks. He's wrong.
   
   
5. I think they inserted the love story between Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf into the film so that there was at least one thing in the movie more implausible than alien robots that transform into cars and shit.
   
   

Steve's 5 random thoughts on Transformers:

1. What's with the rollerblading Constructicon? I would figure a giant-ass robot can move fast enough just by running, so what's with the skating action? Besides, rollerblades went out a long time ago. He should have formed up a transforming razor scooter.
   
   
2. I appreciated the use of classic Transformer lines from Optimus Prime. Peter Cullen basically saved this movie for me.
   
   
3. Too many humans, not enough robots. The cartoon was basically all about the robots, and rightfully so. There were so many people in this movie and so few of them were necessary to the story, yet we got to spend a lot of screen time with them. As much as I like to watch Anthony Anderson play the same character he's always played in every movie he's ever been in for the umpteenth time, I paid my $10 to watch some transforming robots, thankyouverymuch.
   
   
4. At least Hot Rod wasn't in this one. God, he's a douche.
   
   
5. The ILM folks took Frenzy in a direction I can only describe as Pit Droid-esque. Watch some Phantom Menace, (if you can stomach it, har har), and you'll notice some familiar behavior with the Pit Droids in the podracing sequence. I didn't mind a lot of the humor of the movie, but it really robbed that character of any kind of sense of danger.

Jason's 5 random thoughts on Transformers:

1. The final edit of Tyrese yelling "Bring it!" is totally different from how he says it in the trailers. I'm still waiting for it to be brought.
   
   
2. Robots don't need lips. Robots shouldn't have lips. Optimus Prime now has lips.
   
   
3. Michael Bay managed to make smokin' Megan Fox altogether unattractive by having her make out with Shia LeBeouf at the end of the movie. Her lips are now officially as gross as Optimus Prime's.
   
   
4. The climactic showdown would lead you to believe that downtown L.A. is a bustling city center, when, in reality, the only reason anyone would ever be there is if you happened to be A) serving jury duty, B) attending a convention or C) a homeless crack whore.
   
   
5. They killed Jazz. I thought Kenny G had already done that.