So we were trolling Netflix looking for something to sign up for, and we found Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss, which is Shakespeare performed by seals. It sounded unbelievably stupid, so I said we should watch it and liveblog it.We were hoping they'd club themselves or each other to death in the pivotal scene. But, upon watching the previews, it's apparent this has a happy ending and a wedding, so, no go.
The thing is, we've been busy so we've had the DVD sitting in front of our TV for about two months, maybe more, we've sort of lost track. On one hand, you could say we've been keeping this movie from kids who really want to see it. But on the other, we're actually sort of heroes--we saved kids the pain, at least for a little while. You're welcome, kids.
This post is totally disjointed because Jenni wrote a lot of it including most of the beginning and the bits at the end, then Steve took over, then we tried to fold in Jason's remarks he was doing separately because Jenni was too upset to keep liveblogging. Honestly, if the guy who made this movie can't be arsed to have his movie make sense, we'll be goddamned if we'll make the liveblog we're posting almost a month after we liveblogged make sense. But you know, the few times we say something funny in this post makes this post about a billion times more entertaining than this movie. Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss a tragedy, but not in the sense the original Romeo and Juliet is.
Jason: So we probably ruined summer vacation for entertainment-starved kids by keeping this Netflix for over two months. It took us this long to finally watch this.
Steve: What if seeing this movie was some Make-A-Wish Foundation kid's final wish, and we ruined it by not returning the DVD?
The disc's preview for the same company's Captain Sabertooth is a PG rating with the descriptor "Mild Adventure." To which Jenni said, you know, normally the MPAA doesn't make judgments but in this case they wanted to warn people about the movie, yet they wanted to be nice about it.
Just a quick snapshot of the movie: The Capulets are white seals, the Montagues are brown. So it takes the classic story and sticks a cruddy layer of social commentary on it, which, nice one. They live side-by-side in an astoundingly ugly, oddly colored place with bizarre geography. Oh, and the script will give you an ulcer.
Steve: The brown seal looks like a pile of shit with eyes.
Jenni (watching the preview): I think the sound is mono. (It was.)
Steve: Seriously, when the seals kiss it looks like a pile of shit kissing a snowman.
Jason: This is perhaps the most perfect movie experience in the whole world. I can't believe we're denying kids this movie for their summer vacation.
Jenni: The seals all sound like they're burping when they talk.
Mercutio is quoting other Shakespeare plays. Awesome.
Jason: Seriously, so they're just going to drop in other Shakespeare lines?
Steve: Oh my fucking God, does he really only talk in lines from other Shakespeare plays?
So the brown and white seals are fighting. So then a big green blob seal (?) comes out of the sea in a burst of red and orange light and he's all pissed that all the seals are fighting or something? And they're all scared and he tells them he'll banish them to Shark Island? And he's a prince?
So then Romeo's on a rock like the Little Mermaid and he's bummed out.
Jason: Why is Romeo so emo?
Jenni: Oh fuck me now they're doing shitty doo woppy semi-song (Jason's favorite band is called Semi-song) and Romeo's sort of talk singing...what the hellephant?
The song ends, finally.
Jenni: That was so poorly done.
Steve: I think they used only music they didn't have to license.
Jenni: Was this made in America? This doesn't seem American.
Jason: They should do "Hamlet" next, but with baby pigs. Get it? Ham-let? This movie is giving me cancer.
Jenni: Mercutio keeps calling them sea lions so they're not even seals? what the FUCK? I am so pissed.
The fact that they're apparently sea lions and yet the movie is called "Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss" pretty much tells you all you need to know about this production. I can't even express how much this sucks. If you hate your kids, but you don't want to get a visit from child services, you should just get this and make them watch it. I guarantee it will hurt them a lot more than a smack or two across the face or a cigarette burn ever could.
Honestly, so early in we were so stunned and upset we just kind of sat there, making random exclamations when something really stood out.
On seeing the friar who we think is an otter. Maybe.
Jenni: What the FUCK is THAT?
Jason: We need to tally up how many fucking times we say "What the fuck?" while watching this fucking movie.
The friar had to consult his magical underwater sammich-making bowl before he would agree to marry Romeo and Juliet. Apparently he was afraid the marriage would cause a sea lion apocalypse or something.
Ewww! Sea lion make-out session.
Jason: Mercutio tells lonely Romeo about all the hot sea lionesses out there and how it's a "veritable seafood buffet." Insert your clam-eating/pearl necklace/diving/crabs joke here.
Jason: Whenever the seals start "running" or stop suddenly, you hear the stock sound effect of screeching tires. Or is that the sound of Shakespeare rolling in his grave?
Jenni: How do you make the sound of a speeding seal if not a car?
Jason: Well, yeah...
Jenni: Yeah, next time think before you talk.
Jason: Fucking club me now! The seals are re-enacting the Titanic "I'm king of the world" scene on the bow of a cruise ship. Should've been an oil rig, cuz it would've been awesome if they oil-slicked themselves to death for their suicides.
Jason: The orange baby fish just asked Romeo and Juliet if they're gonna have any babies. Then the fish warned how they can't get married cuz one's a Capulet and one's a Montague. Thanks for moving the plot along, fish. Now get us to the end credits, Nemo wannabe.
Jenni: So, will they have tan babies, or what? Beige?
An annoying goldfish wants to be adopted by the seals. Oh, shit, she just figured out this marriage is forbidden, so she's over it. Don't seals, like, eat fish?
Jenni: I like how it's trying to make a point, but it's buried in so much horseshit, you can't tell what it is.
Apparently all of the local sea life are a bunch of intolerant pricks who can't stand a brown seal dancing with a white seal.
Oh, surprise. The Capulet dad seal who always falls down, fell down again. It gets funnier every time it happens.
A seal just died by falling into the water. Yes, seriously.
It looks like Romeo and the morbidly obese seal might be dead. Oh no, they're fine since they landed safely on the hard sand instead of in that deadly water like Mercutio.
Romeo really loves Juliet. For instance, if the fat, ugly Prince just told him to go to Shark Island, he wouldn't just go with absolutely no fight. Oh, wait, he just did that.
Apparently the Prince is cool with bigamy. He's about to marry Juliet. And now he's wearing a tuxedo complete with top hat and cane. And now he's wearing an Admiral uniform and driving a boat. No wonder he's the Prince. He's singing a song about being hot with child-voiced starfish singing the chorus of "He's so hot!" and it's easily one of the most painful, pointless moments in a painful, pointless movie.
Jenni: Are they shitting us with that? What the fuck was that? I'm getting upset now. I've gone through the whole gamut of emotion.
The annoying goldfish doesn't like water. Apparently it's "too wet." Yeah.
Jenni: You know how sometimes you talk to an old person and they say some crazy shit and you're like "what the fuck are they talking about?" And then you talk to a little kid and they're trying to explain like an episode of SpongeBob to you or something and it doesn't make any fucking sense? This is like that, like if you took a crazy old person and a four-year-old, and had them write a script.
Apparently there are no sharks on Shark Island. What the fuck?
Jenni: What's with the magic lava bowl of prophecy? It looks like what my grandmother makes hot sauce in.
Wait, Mercutio just showed up. Is he alive or is he a ghost? How very Shakespearean.
The friar just dropped the unconscious (faking death) Juliet like a sack of potatoes. And then tripped on her on his way to the ocean.
Oh great, the otter just found the only fucking shark in the whole ocean and guess where the shark isn't -- that's right, Shark Island.
Jenni: I'm starting to believe that the people who made this movie have never actually SEEN a movie before.
Shit just got real. You know how? That's right, black and white for the seal romance scene.
Okay, now the otter is rapping at the shark. The music in this movie is probably the worst thing about it. Have I said that already?
The little goldfish is now unfunnily quoting Schwarzenegger movies. Oh, a bunch of little fish are spanking a big, hungry shark into submission. Yeah, great.
Jenni: This is a level of terrible that I have never encountered before. It's amazing.
Now we're treated to a sad, royalty-free version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"
Oh shit, Mercutio really IS alive. Thank God, more misplaced Shakespeare quotes from other plays.
The movie is treating this like oh, so sad, but we all know they're not dead. What the hell?
Oh, they've been hiding a fat pink seal with cleavage. It's probably the Prince's twin sister, but he seems okay with boning her instead of Juliet, so happy endings all around.
Jason: This just ruined movies for me.
Jenni: It's going to be a while before I can trust again.
The annoying goldfish is pointing out the plotholes in her own goddamn movie. Also, apparently she's a kissing fish named Kissy.
Steve: Do you guys want to watch "The Making Of"?
Jenni: Yes, I want to put faces to my hate.
Jason: I want to see them polishing a turd.
Jenni: I think it's like a rock tumbler, you put in poop and it comes out the other side as reels of film.
Jason: Do you realize how many movies we could have had from Netflix?
Jenni: They could replace waterboarding with this movie.
Jenni: This is like a Mr. Rogers "How Does Spaghetti Get Made."
Apparently, one guy made this by himself and his kids were a lot of the voices/singers, including the nonsense-spouting Kissy fish. YOU DON'T SAY. Like, I'll give you a few points for gumption and effort, but yeesh. It's sort of heartbreaking when you think about it, so I'm going to stop thinking about it.
Rent it from Netflix...IF YOU DARE. But don't let your kids watch it, that's just mean.
No comments:
Post a Comment