Open Letter to Douchebag Old Guy

Dear Douchebag Old Guy,

I'd apologize for not catching your name, but, seeing as you're a douchebag, I wasn't really interested in it.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing you this letter, because again, you're a douchebag, so your douchebaggery is probably completely invisible to you. It's like the dirty, smelly guy in your Statistics class in college. He doesn't know he smells because he just lives with the stink, even though he should know if he never so much as looks at running water that he is probably giving off an odor. Similarly, you live with your douchey ways all day, every day, so why would you notice them?

Now I'm sure you enjoy working out and taking a walk in your neighborhood in the morning. That's cool. Good for you, staying healthy at the ripe old age of ancient. I do have one little piece of advice, though, if I may be so presumptuous. How about you don't dress in the dirty, faded jumpsuit with holes in it and tatters around the ankles. Why, you ask? Well, see, combined with the sunglasses you've probably had since the early '80s, the look of begrudged dickishness you're wearing and the Terminator-style walk directed right at me, in the street no less, you kinda sorta looked like a serial killer.

I only mention this because you seemed so offended when I didn't smile and wave "hello!" like your favorite rerun of Leave it to Beaver, even going so far as to call out a douchey "Well good morning" after you were safely past me. Now, maybe it's just me, but I tend not to engage people who look like they are about to stab me and eat my pancreas in polite conversation. As a matter of fact, I tend to walk as far away from them as possible whilst still heading toward safety, which is exactly what I did.

Now I get that you're not a serial killer, (maybe), so my bad, but when you dress and act like one, you lose the right to be offended when someone draws that conclusion and avoids you. It's like if I went around looking like Santa, then got all douchey and passive-aggressive when you wanted to sit on my lap at Christmas time.

Anyway, just thought you'd like to know.

Peace,
Steve