Itty Bitty Art Show

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like you all to gather at the spectacle that is my itty-bitty opening. Wait, look, I'm simultaneously flattered, insulted and somewhat scared of you now, but I'm actually talking about a reception next Saturday for an art show I'm participating in.

If you're in L.A. next week, please visit Monkeyhouse Toys to see the Itty Bitty Art Show, featuring over 100 artists who've created teeny weenie paintings, as well as teeny paintings that aren't of weenies. All of the works on display will be smaller than 9"x12".

I've contributed 10 paintings, including the three featured here. I'll post the rest after the grand -- yet tiny -- opening.

At last check, my stuff is the smallest, but that's not really something to brag about.

"Love-Bot" and "Danger-Bot"

Acrylic on 2"x2" canvas, shown in actual size.
There are seven other robots in this series.

"Li'l 'Zilla" Acrylic on 5x7 aluminum panel

Itty Bitty Art Show opening reception
Saturday, November 8th 2008
5pm - 9pm

Monkeyhouse Toys & Art Gallery
1618 1/2 Silver Lake Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

The art show coincides with the beginning of this season's Silver Lake Art Crawl, so it should make for a fun social event (or perhaps an awkward social event, depending on your tolerance of hipsters who look like roadies for either Weezer or Lisa Loeb).

Here's the postcard promoting the art show:

Please check out the show next Saturday, November 8th. It's the second-biggest event next week after election day! Well, unless you also have a birthday or anniversary or job interview next week, that is. OK, fine, it's just an itty-bitty event, but still.

Z End

On October 10, MillerCoors LLC stopped production on the original malternative* taste sensation. I'm speaking, of course, about Zima.

Zima entered the alcoholic beverage market at about the same time I entered the binge drinking market (Junior high! Catholic school, baby!!**), so I have some pretty fond memories of the stuff. It tasted like kind of f-ed up semi-malty 7Up, but less sweet, and since I didn't like beer very much and had a hard time pounding enough to get sozzled, Zima was sort of a lifesaver. You know, the kind of lifesaver that shortens your life and makes you a thousand times more likely to do something stupid--just ask my alcoholic whore of an ex-roommate and her alcoholic whore of a best buddy, who would, say, wake up shoeless on an unfamiliar stoop, plate of food in one hand, underpants in the other--tights strangely still in place.

It was the whores that introduced me to a Zima upgrade: adding a shot of Chambord to change the color to a pleasing raspberry, and improving the flavor quite a bit. Also, the Chambord bottle is cute. It has a crown on the top. That felt very regal. You could also flirt with the bartender, who would be held captive by your need to take a swig from the bottle before the shot was added. Besides, the second time you wake up on a stoop, you remember whose it is, and if you were tipping the bartender well all night, he or she probably stuffed a few bills into your tights for a cab home once you regained consciousness. Win-win-win. Win.

At some point, they introduced something called Zima Gold to the market. Let me tell you about Zima Gold. Zima Gold is most definitely the only drink they'll offer you in Hell. Zima Gold tastes a lot like if regular Zima peed off all its citrus tang, then got peed on by a Natty Light, then drank up all that pee, and then killed itself with a healthy dose of caramel color that also tastes like beer pee. I swear to God it's so bad, it tastes like it never gets cold. I'm probably shitting on pee by saying Zima Gold tastes like it. If it was possible to bottle the flavor of a damp-yet-sticky cigarette butt-strewn gas station bathroom in the form of an amber malternative beverage, then there would never have been a need in this world for Zima Gold. Zima Gold is so bad, I kept a bottle of it just to remind me that there really is evil in this world. This bottle of Zima Gold has moved with me at least seven times, and it's never taken any damage. Think about it. Damn. Anyway, Zima Gold did not last long in the market. It was, perhaps, an early sign that Zima might not be in it for the long haul.

I have a recipe written in my copy of Joy of Cooking for a refreshing Zima punch. This is it almost exactly, I just added clarity to the Wyler's part. There really is a smile face:

5 Zimas (64 ozish)
1/2 c sugar
1 packet Wyler's Black Cherry drink mix
Splash of juice
:)
Add 151 @ user's discretion

Speaking of recipes, I've been secretly replacing Jason's stash of comedian-approved Sierra Mist with a concoction of Zima Citrus and Karo Syrup for about 5 years now. He drinks six 20-oz bottles a day, or more. He's probably going to have wicked DTs once the supply of Zima runs out. I wonder if Smirnoff Ice would work. Or if I can convince him to switch to lemonade...nah, he'll probably catch on to that.

They say the supply of Zima will last until about December. I guess that's MillerCoors LLC's holiday gift to malternative purists. If I can get my hands on some, I'll be sure to tip some out and say something like, "This is for my homie who will soon not be here...Zima. See you when I get there in that gangsta lean."

*Sadly, I did not make that word up. F'in marketers, am I right? They're GOOD.

**I might be slightly misrepresenting my age. A touch. You're only as old as the tail you can pull, and trust, I can pull some young-ass tail.

Green Day

Out today on DVD.

If you've ever wondered what you'd look like big, green and constipated, you can Hulkify yourself at the official movie site. In the meantime, here's what Steve looks like when you make him angry, like when I tell him Boba Fett is a wuss or say that Hobbits don't really exist.

I Hope That the Light Will at Least Change

It's not even election day, but it looks like every crosswalk in L.A. wants you to vote Republican. I took this photo in front of The Standard on Sunset Boulevard...

"Push button for McCain."
I couldn't do it, so a whole hour passed before I was able to cross.

Jenni Does an About Facebook

Jason and I resisted Facebook for a long time. But then, well, we gave in. It's actually pretty nice--I've gotten back in touch with a couple of people that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. But mostly, it's stirring up all kinds of angst on my side, when I see that people have friended someone but not me or whatever.

Almost everyone I know has hundreds of friends, which is just weird. I'm only friending people I either truly like a lot, or I think can help me with something someday. Ahem. Mostly people I like, tho! ;) I'm not sure I even know of hundreds of people. Or want to.

Here's some recent drama, with all the truly horrible shit I said that also could help identify the people I said it about excised (hey, they're my friends!):

[09:02] Jenni: okay now i'm pissed
[09:02] Jenni: i see in my news feed that booboo and snuggles* are now friends
[09:02] Jenni: but that mofo won't friend me?!?!?
[09:02] Jenni: oh that's it
[09:02] Jenni: i'ma slap a bitch
[09:16] Jason: me neither. whatta dick
[09:16] Jenni: i know, right? what the hell?
[09:16] Jenni: who the fuck does he think he is?
[09:23] Jenni: ooooohhhhhh
[09:23] Jenni: i'm angry
[09:26] Jenni: he's a dead man
[09:26] Jenni: DEAD I TELL YOU

and then later...

[12:21] Jason: invitation from snooperbear*
[12:21] Jason: you get one?
[12:21] Jenni: dunno lemme check
[12:21] Jenni: how sad if that's my first invite
[12:53] Jenni: NO SNOOPERBEAR
[12:54] Jenni: he's dead to me
[12:54] Jenni: dead
[12:54] Jenni: who does he think he is, etc.
[12:54] Jenni: i can't work up rage twice in one day

This is sure to change soon, so I might as well brag about it: I have like one more friend** than Jason. Yay me! There's no popularity like virtual popularity!

The end.


*Not their real names
**As I publish this (two weeks after I started the post), Jason now has one more friend than I do. Which is the opposite of real life. Enjoy your virtual popularity, JJ! (I will have disdain for it until I'm more virtually popular than he is, and then it will be cool again.)

Widget Tossing

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Downtownin' It

I had jury duty yesterday and I didn't try to get out of it like Chris, the diligent "know your rights, keep your rights--but fuck a civil duty, that's for losers" patriot. It gave me a chance to wander around downtown a little bit, all by meself, which was nice except for the part where it was kind of hot and sunny and I wore shoes that weren't really walkin' on city hills type shoes. The thing about downtown LA is, people who live around here don't actually ever go to downtown LA. They had some handouts in the jury room and most of them were practically begging the jurors to hang out, stay a while, and get to know the city. Kind of sad. And you know, even sadder, a lot of the jurors actually stayed in the jury room or just outside the courthouse.

Above are shots of the Bradbury Building, which you might remember from Blade Runner or the Heart video "Nothing at All." It's smaller than I thought it would be, but very pretty. It was built in like 1893 which is crazy. I guess my favorite part was the historic Subway restaurant inside.

I also visited the Grand Central Market which is a farmer's market and also a place with lots of cheap but it seemed to me pretty shitty food. But there was a terrific Mexican bakery that just made me crazy with its delicious smells. I had to buy one thing, which is pictured. It was yumulous.

There was this awesome drug store that had an actual pharmacy thing but was mostly crazy-ass Santeria shit. Candles, statues, potions, powdered shit like eye of newt or whatever, wolf bones and I don't even know what else. Hispanics is nuts. I wanted to take more pictures inside but I thought they would curse me.

I wanted to go to the jewelry district but I ran out of time. I did pop over to where I parked, at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, to get a delicious French lemonade and a photo. And you know what's great about a metal building at lunchtime? All the sweet California sunshine bouncing off of it, making the air a good 30 feet away nice n'toasty. Also, bright. Awesome.

That's all, really. Yay LA!

P.S. Sorry for the not that great pics, my iPhone isn't the bestest.

Man, this was sort of boring. Too late now, tho.

Questionable Products #578 - 579

I don't normally go to Sports Chalet, but a few coworkers and I were killing time there at the mall before going back to work after an offsite lunch. In any case, based on these questionable products I found on display, I'm not sure what exactly qualifies as a "sport" at that chalet. Also, it's not really a chalet.

For the hooker on the go

Because the name, "Jackhammering Dong Sarong," was already taken

And this concludes today's immature posts aimed at entertaining 12-year-olds. Our next posts will resume our usual highbrow comedy, bitches.

Map Quest

Recently, Jenni decorated her place with a replica of the map from the movie, Time Bandits, which happens to be Jenni's favorite movie about time-traveling midgets (sorry, Michael J. Fox and Back to the Future).

Taking a cue from Jenni's impeccable decorating style, I figured that each of the members of Hands in the Air should decorate their places with maps of their favorite fantasy places...

Jenni's map"To stinking Kevin!"

Steve's map"O Elbereth! Gilthoniel!"

Chris' map"Frackin' awesome!"

Jason's map
"We're totally getting kicked off of Blogger."

Oh, Miley!

Today I was looking at my iGoogle page's E! Online news feed, and I saw this:





But upon further inspection, I realized the story wasn't nearly as compelling as it'd been at first glance.









Ah, well. I think probably either story has at least a bit of truth to it.

OMFG, Gossip Girl, WTF?

I absolutely love that The CW's current ad campaign for Gossip Girl is reveling in how morally questionable the series might be. But really, morals are like the American Gladiators -- they're meant to be challenged, slathered in baby oil and pummeled with giant Q-tips.

























Just in case The CW needs some more pull quotes to promote Gossip Girl, I've created some additional ads for them:

Drug Story

It's a relatively well-known fact that I love shopping in drug stores, like, a LOT. My favorite is probably the Drug Mart chain in Ohio, and don't get me started about the Boots chain in England--but I love them all at least a little. I like the makeup aisles, I like the general mix of crap, and I love the shoddy gifts and novelties you can get pretty much only at drug stores. I can spend hours at Drug Mart, but I can put in some good time even at a shitty Rite Aid.

Today I went to CVS by myself. As I'm walking to the store, and this old man kind of looks past me, starts laughing, looks at me, laughs some more, and then goes on his merry way.

And in my head I'm like, "Fuck you you old man, what the fuck is your problem, laughing at me? What's so goddamn funny?" Because you can't really converse with old people, even when you want to say something polite, you just can't. They won't understand you. Try it sometime with a non-relative, I think you'll see I'm right.

I continue to curse the old man as I start shopping. And then I sort of forget him because I'm looking at the makeup aisles and reading the circulars and whatever. And I get to the gifts aisle and I see this little number:























And I'm like well, Merry Christmas Jason! I like that it marries the rough, leathery elegance of the old West with good, old-fashioned Christian classiness--and it will remind you of getting a whoopin', you know, from a gay cowboy. (The only way to get a whoopin', in my opinion.)

There were several picture frames and I think maybe a clock in the same faux leather and silver motif, most but not all with crosses. Some had guns and bullets, which, you know, same diff.

Then I go down one of the grocery aisles and I see this:























And after I swallowed back down the remnants of my breakfast that tried to escape, I snapped another picture. Because we're in Cali, there are all sorts of kookles products in these types of stores aimed solely at Hispanicals who hate their children and have heard of good nutrition but want nothing to do with it.

This one just particularly grossed me out because why would you want to drink corn starch with strawberry flavors and supposed vitamins? And why does it look like you'll be drinking the brain of this happy glassful of corn starch drink? I don't know the answers. But they aren't trying to hide the corn, they want you to know the corn is in there. Ew. I guess it would be a sort of thickish drink so you could pretend your kids were drinking milk. I don't know. Is there a white people version of this I've been missing? I want to say no but I am no expert at shitty foods.

Anydoodles, I get back to my filthy car and that's when I see it...the message I'd written in the dirt of the back window the week before, and promptly forgotten all about:



















So that's why the old man was laughing. I was able to release some of my anger at him, and I even thought to myself, "Oh, so he was appreciating my humor, so that's good."

But, you know, fuck him anyway. Old people think they're all that and a bag of colostomy.

Satan Loves Hot Girl-on-Girl Action

If you're gonna go to church, you might as well go to one run by a pastor who writes his sermons while shakin' his moneymaker to the beat of your local KISS, STAR, Z-something or whatever other pop radio station is big in your town. Or maybe not. In Blacklick, Ohio, a homophobic pastor seems to think the whole sapphic sentiment of Katy Perry's chart-topper, "I Kissed a Girl," will damn you straight to hell.

Who knew the taste of cherry chapstick was so evil?

She kissed a girl and I liked it. Then they had a pillowfight in their lingerie and I liked it even more.

Personally, I think hot chicks making out is the best kinda gay there is, but besides that, I have a lotta other problems with this church sign:

1. In the context of a sign, Katy Perry's lyrics could very well have been something spoken by a dude, which I assume the church wouldn't say would damn you to hell. First base is okay in everyone's book, despite what my harassment record might indicate.
   
   
2. Aren't there worst musical acts to criticize? Like, I don't know, maybe Nickelback? Seriously, those guys must've made a deal with the devil to still be popular for releasing the same crappy song over and over.
   
   
3. As any late-night viewer of Cinemax would agree, there is absolutely nothing wrong with two women locking lips. At least until your roommate walks in unexpectedly and catches you watching Forbidden Co-Ed Confessions. Then it's just plain embarrassing. But it's not a sin. Otherwise God wouldn't have given us that many premium cable movie channels.
   
   
4. Um, this incident happened in a town called "Blacklick."
   

If the pastor is as uptight as he seems, he could really just swap out the first two lines of his sign with any other lyrics from a current pop song and then just tack on the "then I went to hell" part after it. He might be onto something... Sorta like the how you add "in bed" after reading a fortune cookie fortune. Try it:

Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly":
"It starts in my toes, and I crinkle my nose... then I went to hell"

Weezer's "Beverly Hills":
"Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be... then I went to hell"

Anyway, if you're feeling creative, please submit any other song lyrics that would sound good followed by "then I went to hell." Otherwise, I'll see you in hell!

Open Letter to Douchebag Old Guy

Dear Douchebag Old Guy,

I'd apologize for not catching your name, but, seeing as you're a douchebag, I wasn't really interested in it.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing you this letter, because again, you're a douchebag, so your douchebaggery is probably completely invisible to you. It's like the dirty, smelly guy in your Statistics class in college. He doesn't know he smells because he just lives with the stink, even though he should know if he never so much as looks at running water that he is probably giving off an odor. Similarly, you live with your douchey ways all day, every day, so why would you notice them?

Now I'm sure you enjoy working out and taking a walk in your neighborhood in the morning. That's cool. Good for you, staying healthy at the ripe old age of ancient. I do have one little piece of advice, though, if I may be so presumptuous. How about you don't dress in the dirty, faded jumpsuit with holes in it and tatters around the ankles. Why, you ask? Well, see, combined with the sunglasses you've probably had since the early '80s, the look of begrudged dickishness you're wearing and the Terminator-style walk directed right at me, in the street no less, you kinda sorta looked like a serial killer.

I only mention this because you seemed so offended when I didn't smile and wave "hello!" like your favorite rerun of Leave it to Beaver, even going so far as to call out a douchey "Well good morning" after you were safely past me. Now, maybe it's just me, but I tend not to engage people who look like they are about to stab me and eat my pancreas in polite conversation. As a matter of fact, I tend to walk as far away from them as possible whilst still heading toward safety, which is exactly what I did.

Now I get that you're not a serial killer, (maybe), so my bad, but when you dress and act like one, you lose the right to be offended when someone draws that conclusion and avoids you. It's like if I went around looking like Santa, then got all douchey and passive-aggressive when you wanted to sit on my lap at Christmas time.

Anyway, just thought you'd like to know.

Peace,
Steve

Unnecessary Liveblog: Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss

So we were trolling Netflix looking for something to sign up for, and we found Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss, which is Shakespeare performed by seals. It sounded unbelievably stupid, so I said we should watch it and liveblog it.

We were hoping they'd club themselves or each other to death in the pivotal scene. But, upon watching the previews, it's apparent this has a happy ending and a wedding, so, no go.

The thing is, we've been busy so we've had the DVD sitting in front of our TV for about two months, maybe more, we've sort of lost track. On one hand, you could say we've been keeping this movie from kids who really want to see it. But on the other, we're actually sort of heroes--we saved kids the pain, at least for a little while. You're welcome, kids.

This post is totally disjointed because Jenni wrote a lot of it including most of the beginning and the bits at the end, then Steve took over, then we tried to fold in Jason's remarks he was doing separately because Jenni was too upset to keep liveblogging. Honestly, if the guy who made this movie can't be arsed to have his movie make sense, we'll be goddamned if we'll make the liveblog we're posting almost a month after we liveblogged make sense. But you know, the few times we say something funny in this post makes this post about a billion times more entertaining than this movie. Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss a tragedy, but not in the sense the original Romeo and Juliet is.

Jason: So we probably ruined summer vacation for entertainment-starved kids by keeping this Netflix for over two months. It took us this long to finally watch this.

Steve: What if seeing this movie was some Make-A-Wish Foundation kid's final wish, and we ruined it by not returning the DVD?

The disc's preview for the same company's Captain Sabertooth is a PG rating with the descriptor "Mild Adventure." To which Jenni said, you know, normally the MPAA doesn't make judgments but in this case they wanted to warn people about the movie, yet they wanted to be nice about it.

Just a quick snapshot of the movie: The Capulets are white seals, the Montagues are brown. So it takes the classic story and sticks a cruddy layer of social commentary on it, which, nice one. They live side-by-side in an astoundingly ugly, oddly colored place with bizarre geography. Oh, and the script will give you an ulcer.

Steve: The brown seal looks like a pile of shit with eyes.

Jenni (watching the preview): I think the sound is mono. (It was.)

Steve: Seriously, when the seals kiss it looks like a pile of shit kissing a snowman.

Jason: This is perhaps the most perfect movie experience in the whole world. I can't believe we're denying kids this movie for their summer vacation.

Jenni: The seals all sound like they're burping when they talk.

Mercutio is quoting other Shakespeare plays. Awesome.

Jason: Seriously, so they're just going to drop in other Shakespeare lines?

Steve: Oh my fucking God, does he really only talk in lines from other Shakespeare plays?

So the brown and white seals are fighting. So then a big green blob seal (?) comes out of the sea in a burst of red and orange light and he's all pissed that all the seals are fighting or something? And they're all scared and he tells them he'll banish them to Shark Island? And he's a prince?

So then Romeo's on a rock like the Little Mermaid and he's bummed out.

Jason: Why is Romeo so emo?

Jenni: Oh fuck me now they're doing shitty doo woppy semi-song (Jason's favorite band is called Semi-song) and Romeo's sort of talk singing...what the hellephant?

The song ends, finally.

Jenni: That was so poorly done.

Steve: I think they used only music they didn't have to license.

Jenni: Was this made in America? This doesn't seem American.

Jason: They should do "Hamlet" next, but with baby pigs. Get it? Ham-let? This movie is giving me cancer.

Jenni: Mercutio keeps calling them sea lions so they're not even seals? what the FUCK? I am so pissed.

The fact that they're apparently sea lions and yet the movie is called "Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss" pretty much tells you all you need to know about this production. I can't even express how much this sucks. If you hate your kids, but you don't want to get a visit from child services, you should just get this and make them watch it. I guarantee it will hurt them a lot more than a smack or two across the face or a cigarette burn ever could.

Honestly, so early in we were so stunned and upset we just kind of sat there, making random exclamations when something really stood out.

Jenni: What the FUCK is THAT?

On seeing the friar who we think is an otter. Maybe.

Jason: We need to tally up how many fucking times we say "What the fuck?" while watching this fucking movie.

The friar had to consult his magical underwater sammich-making bowl before he would agree to marry Romeo and Juliet. Apparently he was afraid the marriage would cause a sea lion apocalypse or something.

Ewww! Sea lion make-out session.

Jason: Mercutio tells lonely Romeo about all the hot sea lionesses out there and how it's a "veritable seafood buffet." Insert your clam-eating/pearl necklace/diving/crabs joke here.

Jason: Whenever the seals start "running" or stop suddenly, you hear the stock sound effect of screeching tires. Or is that the sound of Shakespeare rolling in his grave?

Jenni: How do you make the sound of a speeding seal if not a car?

Jason: Well, yeah...

Jenni: Yeah, next time think before you talk.

Jason: Fucking club me now! The seals are re-enacting the Titanic "I'm king of the world" scene on the bow of a cruise ship. Should've been an oil rig, cuz it would've been awesome if they oil-slicked themselves to death for their suicides.

Jason: The orange baby fish just asked Romeo and Juliet if they're gonna have any babies. Then the fish warned how they can't get married cuz one's a Capulet and one's a Montague. Thanks for moving the plot along, fish. Now get us to the end credits, Nemo wannabe.

Jenni: So, will they have tan babies, or what? Beige?

An annoying goldfish wants to be adopted by the seals. Oh, shit, she just figured out this marriage is forbidden, so she's over it. Don't seals, like, eat fish?

Jenni: I like how it's trying to make a point, but it's buried in so much horseshit, you can't tell what it is.

Apparently all of the local sea life are a bunch of intolerant pricks who can't stand a brown seal dancing with a white seal.

Oh, surprise. The Capulet dad seal who always falls down, fell down again. It gets funnier every time it happens.

A seal just died by falling into the water. Yes, seriously.

It looks like Romeo and the morbidly obese seal might be dead. Oh no, they're fine since they landed safely on the hard sand instead of in that deadly water like Mercutio.

Romeo really loves Juliet. For instance, if the fat, ugly Prince just told him to go to Shark Island, he wouldn't just go with absolutely no fight. Oh, wait, he just did that.

Apparently the Prince is cool with bigamy. He's about to marry Juliet. And now he's wearing a tuxedo complete with top hat and cane. And now he's wearing an Admiral uniform and driving a boat. No wonder he's the Prince. He's singing a song about being hot with child-voiced starfish singing the chorus of "He's so hot!" and it's easily one of the most painful, pointless moments in a painful, pointless movie.

Jenni: Are they shitting us with that? What the fuck was that? I'm getting upset now. I've gone through the whole gamut of emotion.

The annoying goldfish doesn't like water. Apparently it's "too wet." Yeah.

Jenni: You know how sometimes you talk to an old person and they say some crazy shit and you're like "what the fuck are they talking about?" And then you talk to a little kid and they're trying to explain like an episode of SpongeBob to you or something and it doesn't make any fucking sense? This is like that, like if you took a crazy old person and a four-year-old, and had them write a script.

Apparently there are no sharks on Shark Island. What the fuck?

Jenni: What's with the magic lava bowl of prophecy? It looks like what my grandmother makes hot sauce in.

Wait, Mercutio just showed up. Is he alive or is he a ghost? How very Shakespearean.

The friar just dropped the unconscious (faking death) Juliet like a sack of potatoes. And then tripped on her on his way to the ocean.

Oh great, the otter just found the only fucking shark in the whole ocean and guess where the shark isn't -- that's right, Shark Island.

Jenni: I'm starting to believe that the people who made this movie have never actually SEEN a movie before.

Shit just got real. You know how? That's right, black and white for the seal romance scene.

Okay, now the otter is rapping at the shark. The music in this movie is probably the worst thing about it. Have I said that already?

The little goldfish is now unfunnily quoting Schwarzenegger movies. Oh, a bunch of little fish are spanking a big, hungry shark into submission. Yeah, great.

Jenni: This is a level of terrible that I have never encountered before. It's amazing.

Now we're treated to a sad, royalty-free version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"

Oh shit, Mercutio really IS alive. Thank God, more misplaced Shakespeare quotes from other plays.

The movie is treating this like oh, so sad, but we all know they're not dead. What the hell?

Oh, they've been hiding a fat pink seal with cleavage. It's probably the Prince's twin sister, but he seems okay with boning her instead of Juliet, so happy endings all around.

Jason: This just ruined movies for me.

Jenni: It's going to be a while before I can trust again.

The annoying goldfish is pointing out the plotholes in her own goddamn movie. Also, apparently she's a kissing fish named Kissy.

Steve: Do you guys want to watch "The Making Of"?

Jenni: Yes, I want to put faces to my hate.

Jason: I want to see them polishing a turd.

Jenni: I think it's like a rock tumbler, you put in poop and it comes out the other side as reels of film.

Jason: Do you realize how many movies we could have had from Netflix?

Jenni: They could replace waterboarding with this movie.

Jenni: This is like a Mr. Rogers "How Does Spaghetti Get Made."

Apparently, one guy made this by himself and his kids were a lot of the voices/singers, including the nonsense-spouting Kissy fish. YOU DON'T SAY. Like, I'll give you a few points for gumption and effort, but yeesh. It's sort of heartbreaking when you think about it, so I'm going to stop thinking about it.

Rent it from Netflix...IF YOU DARE. But don't let your kids watch it, that's just mean.

Grand Old Preggers

Teen pregnancy is totally in this year: Juno, Jamie Lynn Spears and now the daughter of John McCain's running mate. Sure, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, could've stayed 2008-trendy by simply throwing on a scarf and a pair of leggings, but getting knocked up by some hockey dude is a much, much better gimmick. And lord knows we love gimmicks, like giving your kids silly names like Bristol, Piper, Willow, Trig and Track.

Anyway, give me and Jenni a good gimmick and that equals a half hour of us wasting time at work chatting about it...

Jason (1:48:30 PM): let's do a blog post about potential names for sarah palin's daughter's baby. since all her kids have dumb names
Jenni (1:50:22 PM): ok like where we chat about it
Jenni (1:50:24 PM): or a real post
Jason (1:50:29 PM): either
Jason (1:50:33 PM): which is funnier?
Jenni (1:51:07 PM): uhh
Jenni (1:51:08 PM): dunno
Jenni (1:51:15 PM): i know which is easier, tho, bro
Jason (1:51:39 PM): which is easier, packer?
Jason (1:51:52 PM): (see that's a potential name. hoo-larious in chat)
Jenni (1:52:06 PM): chat, duh
Jenni (1:52:13 PM): chat = not a bad name for a baby
Jason (1:53:42 PM): patch, crinkle, turnip and saxophone
Jenni (1:54:35 PM): I actually like Patch. Am I a redneck?
Jenni (1:54:38 PM): Tater?
Jenni (1:54:51 PM): Hoof
Jenni (1:55:02 PM): Trailer
Jason (1:55:08 PM): trailer is good
Jenni (1:55:10 PM): Antler
Jason (1:55:34 PM): motel, fryer, anvil
Jenni (1:56:05 PM): Sunty, pronounced "Sun tea" because she really likes tea
Jenni (1:56:19 PM): made in the Alaska sun
Jason (1:56:20 PM): ooh, you doing research now?
Jenni (1:56:27 PM): no i am just making up fun facts
Jason (1:56:30 PM): nice
Jason (1:56:31 PM): frontier
Jason (1:56:37 PM): cuz alaska is the last frontier
Jason (1:56:45 PM): except for space, which is the final frontier
Jason (1:56:48 PM): so maybe "space"
Jason (1:57:02 PM): Space Palin-Hockey Guy
Jenni (1:57:36 PM): Jewno or Jookno because Juneau and also, Juno
Jenni (1:57:55 PM): and i like alternate spellings of things that don't require alternate spellings
Jenni (1:58:02 PM): that seems very northern exposure
Jenni (1:58:10 PM): ...why was that show called northern exposure
Jenni (1:58:42 PM): Jooknow, maybe, because it's like, knowledge
Jenni (1:58:47 PM): for joo
Jenni (2:00:03 PM): ...I think I just won. I don't want to call it too early, but...
Jenni (2:00:48 PM): ...Ellipsis...
Jason (2:00:48 PM): well then, to paraphrase Maury, "you are the father"
Jenni (2:01:24 PM): Remember that 90-pound toddler saying that?
Jason (2:01:53 PM): he say that to his 9-lb pork chop breakfast?
Jenni (2:02:36 PM): Chop and/or Pork would be pretty as a middle name
Jason (2:03:08 PM): totally. so would "middle"
Jason (2:03:32 PM): no wonder she keeps having kids. so many words to choose from for names
Jenni (2:03:41 PM): no it was a little chubby girl and when she hit the stage in her tasteful bike shorts and sports bra, she took one look at Maury and said "You are not the father" and then she put her hands on the sides of her face in the classic "Home Alone" style
Jenni (2:03:49 PM): and Maury lost his shit, as did I
Jason (2:04:01 PM): oh, right! now i 'member
Jenni (2:04:27 PM): I think it's nice when people really go for an odd name
Jenni (2:05:03 PM): If I ever get to name a baby by myself, it's on
Jenni (2:05:28 PM): Shinola
Jenni (2:05:56 PM): is it a boy or a girl, do you know
Jenni (2:06:03 PM): because Shinola is more on the girl tip
Jason (2:06:03 PM): don't think they know
Jenni (2:06:28 PM): Lubridor
Jason (2:06:45 PM): i think they just found out about the baby yesterday, just like the republican party did
Jason (2:06:54 PM): til then she just thought bristol was getting tubby
Jenni (2:07:21 PM): I hope that's true
Jason (2:07:43 PM): sometimes a government probe is the best pregnancy test
Jenni (2:08:05 PM): I think the '80s were the best time for hiding a teen pregnancy because there were a lot of oversized clothes then and sweatshits were still ok for everyday wear
Jason (2:08:14 PM): also, a good government probe can get you preggers, if you know what i mean
Jenni (2:08:19 PM): oh i know
Jason (2:08:58 PM): yes, the '80s must've been a good time to get knocked up
Jenni (2:09:04 PM): dude totally
Jason (2:09:11 PM): the entire "facts of life" cast was giving birth left and right, but no one suspected a thing
Jason (2:09:14 PM): not even mrs. garrett
Jason (2:09:26 PM): christ, we have our post right here
Jenni (2:09:32 PM): Mrs. Garret knew, she was making them breed for profit
Jason (2:09:34 PM): cut & paste this fucker
Jason (2:10:12 PM): this is comedy gold
Jenni (2:10:16 PM): truly
Jason (2:10:23 PM): now i know how dane cook feels after he takes a shit
Jenni (2:10:26 PM): pants will be wet, you have my word
Jason (2:11:14 PM): "pants will be wet" is my favorite Paul Thomas Anderson movie
Jason (2:11:31 PM): "i drink your milkshake... from your pants"
Jenni (2:11:39 PM): Hands in the Air: The Leader in Pants Soaking Since 2006
Jason (2:12:01 PM): this is gonna be a long post, cuz we don't know how to turn off the comedy
Jenni (2:12:20 PM): And that is why my pants budget is so out of control
Jason (2:12:31 PM): now i know how carlos mencia feels when he wakes up
Jenni (2:13:04 PM): Carlos Mencia is a bedwetter?
Jason (2:13:38 PM): if his dreams were as funny as what he thinks up when he's awake
Jenni (2:14:10 PM): And...scene!
Jason (2:14:20 PM): his jokes are like refugees rafting thru his pee-puddled bed
Jason (2:14:24 PM): damn, missed the cutoff