Happy Halloween

While you sort your Halloween haul into piles of good candy (Snickers, Peanut M&M's) and bad candy (does anyone really eat Heath bars or Bit-O-Honeys when it's not Halloween?), treat yourself to some pictures of us in costume and our lists for the season of the witch.

Spider-Man and his greatest foes
Chris as Sandman, Steve as Spider-Man, Jason as Green Goblin and Jenni as Doctor Octopus

Jenni's Top 5 Trick-or-Treat Goodies She Throws Out

1. Fruit
2. Black licorice
3. Candy corn
4. Toothbrush
5. Nickels
   

The Fantastic Four
Steve as the Thing, Jenni as Mr. Fantastic, Jason as the Human Torch and Chris as the Invisible Woman

Steve's Top 5 Halloween Movies

1. Halloween 3
2. Halloween
3. Halloween 2
4. Halloween 4
5. Halloween: Resurrection

Hobbits
Steve as one of those Hobbits (maybe Merry?), Jason as another one of those Hobbits (maybe Frodo?), Jenni as another one of those Hobbits (maybe Pippin?) and Chris as another one of those Hobbits (maybe Dumbledore or that dude from Lost?)

Jason's Top 5 Trick-or-Treating Pet Peeves

1. Replying to the phrase "trick or treat" with "trick"
2. Parents who trick-or-treat for their babies
3. Saying "nice costume" to people who didn't even dress up
4. Teens who want candy but think they're too cool to dress up
5. People too lazy to answer their door who leave out a bowl of unattended candy

Star Trek
Steve as Spock, Jason as Sulu, Jenni as McCoy and Chris as a pile of Tribbles

Chris's Top 5 Sexy Halloween Outfits

1. French maid*
2. Naughty nurse*
3. Sexy schoolgirl*
4. Horny cheerleader*
   
5. Naked chick*
   

* With big boobs

Into the Gap

It's time for a Gap ad (RED)ux. Here's the latest batch of character photos INSPI(RED) by The Gap's (Product) Red campaign...

Human Torch

Mario

Daredevil... or DA(RED)EVIL

Optimus Prime

PICTU(RED) by Jason

TI(RED), BOTHE(RED) and BO(RED)

Now that Bono has saved the planet, the U2 frontman and global savior has set his tinted, visored sights on curing AIDS in Africa. And faster than you can find a copy of Zooropa in a used CD bin, Bono has figured out how to stop the epidemic. Bono's "Red" campaign brilliantly harnesses the same space-age technology that keeps U2 drummer Larry Mullins, Jr. looking exactly as he did when the band recorded their Boy album.

Armani, Converse and American Express are among the companies associated with the Red campaign, and surely you've seen The Gap's ads for the cause. As a tribute, we've created a Gap (Product) Red ad featuring Kidrobot's new, curious line of block figures designed by clubwear fashion house Heatherette that features its frequent model/scenester and world's most famous transsexual, Amanda Lepore.


While Jenni and I were bo(red), we came up with a list of other potential "red" words that could be used in The Gap's campaign to save the entire population of Africa so that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would eventually be able to adopt them.

BUGGE(RED)
SUCKE(RED)
EMBITTE(RED)
FI(RED)
INB(RED)
PLASTE(RED)
WHO(RED)
COLD-SO(RED)
DEFLOWE(RED)
WITHE(RED)
BUTTE(RED)

Strangely, most of the above words would work if Lindsay Lohan decided to pose for a Gap ad. INFER(RED)!

The Phrase That Pays

If you’ve been paying attention to the news at all over the past few months, you’ve probably heard the current administration using a familiar phrase to describe their current strategy for the war in Iraq—“stay the course.” You have to admit, it’s catchy in that folksy, “Dear Abby” rip-off style that suits our current President. I kind of see him as Dr. Phil without all of that sensitivity crap. So imagine my utter disappointment in hearing via White House Press Secretary Tony Snow that “stay the course” was out. Now there is a gaping hole in the administration’s catchphrase offense, and I wouldn’t be such a diligent patriot if I didn’t help fill it.


Part of the problem, as stated by Tony Snow recently was that the phrase “stay the course” connoted rigidity in the face of an obviously complex and fluid situation such as the war in Iraq, which certainly doesn’t represent this White House accurately. I also think that the beloved catchphrase simply played itself out. It’s like an old standby from one of your favorite bands that they have to play at every concert. Sure, the first few times Boston plays “More Than a Feeling” it’s awesome, but once you see it live a few dozen times, it starts to wear a little thin. It was time for a catchphrase enema, and the administration knew it.

Now catchphrases are kind of like Middle Eastern dictators in that, when you take one out, you need to replace it with something quickly or else there’s a power vacuum and your whole lexicon will devolve into a civil war of words and sectarian violence of semantics, things this White House is clearly not willing to let happen. So far all their best and brightest have managed to come up with is “cut and run” which, don’t get me wrong is killer, but that’s really only good for the midterm elections and misrepresenting the platform of many of their political opponents. There’s a need for something more positive and upbeat, something that defines all of the hard work and dedication this administration is putting into their sterling performance of the war. Now, I’ve given this a lot of thought, at least a full five minutes, and here is what I’ve come up with:

Iraq: “Tough it out and give 110%”

This isn’t a guaranteed slam-dunk by any means. There’s a lot of focus group testing and polling to be done, but here’s why I think this is a winner.

First, you get not just one down-home cliché, but two! It’s double the vapid country wisdom in one shot, which should give it some legs. Second, it applies easily to sports, which Americans love, unless we’re talking about soccer. Third, it gets the word “tough” in there right away, because that’s what this President is. “Tough it out” does admit that there’s a struggle, but we’re persevering and overcoming. “Give 110%” shows that we’re not just slugging it out in a stand-off or lollygagging, we’re giving our all and then some. And since we all know that terrorists and insurgents are lazy bastards, they can’t be giving more than 60 or 70%, which means victory is inevitable as soon as someone defines what “victory” is.

So don’t be surprised if, in the next few weeks when those liberal fags in the White House Press Corps ask Tony Snow what the President plans to do about the probably worsening situation in Iraq, he looks them dead in the eye and says, “the President and our armed forces are going to tough it out and give 110%.” Suck on that Helen Thomas, you pinko.

All right, I hate to cut and run on this blog post, but I need to come up with a new name for KFC’s delicious, but shittily named “Famous Bowls.” As for a new catchphrase for the President, mission accomplished.


Freedom photos by Jenni

Reservoir Dogs

On October 23, 2002, Reservoir Dogs was released nationwide in theaters across the U.S. To commemorate the event, a special edition DVD of Quentin Tarantino's pulp flick is hitting stores this Tuesday, and it's dubbed "The 15th Anniversary" version (even though the movie is technically only 14 years old, but that'd be nitpicking ages if you're John Mark Karr).

To celebrate the anniversary, I've photographed a small-scale heist.

To quote Nice Guy Eddie, "First things fuckin' last."

The Tribe Has Spoken: Part 2

The votes have been counted and it's time to reveal the finale of Hands in the Air's Survivor: Blog Island, which premiered last month in comic form. A surprise twist is in store, but unfortunately it has nothing to do with us being cheated on by Sara Evans' husband. Maybe a Dancing with the Stars: Blogger Edition is next in store for us...

Happy Friday the 13th

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha-ha

Freddie vs. Jason

Yub-to-the-Nub

"Yub nub, eee chop yub nub."

"Freedom, we've got freedom."

It's poetry, people. It's the first song of celebration from an oppressed galaxy after decades of tyranny pouring from the mouths of adorable, fuzzy freedom-fighters.

I love Ewoks, I really do. I didn't have some silly teddy bear as a child, hell I didn't even like Teddy Roosevelt. I had Wicket W. Warrick as my comfort on dark nights when I was sure that clown from the mini-series version of IT who sounded like Frank-N-Furter was coming to kill me. I've always been an Ewok fan and I always will. But there is an element of the Star Wars fanbase that loathes the cuddly creatures because they're not "hardcore" enough or some crap. Phooey on them, I say! Poppycock!

But it seems these bloodthirsty mongrels have people on the inside. Behold and despair, the Ewok suicide bomber!

Ewoks tend to take their practical jokes a bit too far.

As a unit in the expansion for the PC game Star Wars: Empire at War, the "Ewok handler" is a shirtless monster of a man who plucks helpless Ewoks from his sack, straps explosives to their chests and sends them stumbling bleary-eyed and helpless toward his target. What happens when they reach their destination? Nothing short of fiery, explosive death. By the Emperor's black bones, that's a shade of villainy darker even than Darth Vader could endure.

I love the smell of burning fur in the morning.

This kind of thing is totally unacceptable and I demand that this tactic be removed from the game, post-haste! This exploitation of the adorable Ewok is unconscionable and will not be tolerated. I honestly don't know what the game designers were thinking.

They totally should have used Gungans instead, those guys are assholes.

Gub-gub chee wob-wob (translation: photos by Jason)

Punitive Poetry

I recently recommitted myself to my hair. If you know me, you know I have fabulous hair. But lately, as in, oh, the past two, three, four years, I've been just horribly slackass about taking a few minutes every day to do my hair. So it's been a week and I haven't dropped the hair ball yet. I'm very proud of myself.

So another thing I'm trying to recommit myself to is the blog. I've been horribly slackass about posting to it lately. But, I'm tired and have shit to do. So, to punish and shame myself into actually blogging, I'm going to post one of the goofy poems I write when I'm totally bored in public.

After I post six or seven of these poems, I bet I'll be ashamed enough to try to think up something original.

Or, we'll be a blog of note based solely on my mad hot poetry skillz. Either way, I win. Uh, except for the shame part.

Waiting has never been a talent of mine
A time-consuming poem
by jenni

I bet if I go over there
And play with the foot pumps on the sink
The doctor will finally walk in
And decide I'm sick after all

Garbage Disposal on NBC’s “Heroes” Tricked into Supervillainy by Lex Luthor

If you’ve been watching NBC’s new series Heroes, you’ve probably been wondering who the big supervillain will be for the show’s ad-hoc league of superheroes. After two episodes, the big baddie has finally been revealed, and it’s not some evil uber-genius. It’s a garbage disposal.

Appliance company Emerson, the maker of the incredible InSinkErator (how’s that for a supername?), is suing NBC for last Monday’s episode, which depicted the indestructible cheerleader mangling her hand in the company’s garbage disposal.

Note to NBC: Garbage disposals are our friends

According to Emerson's lawsuit, the Heroes scene depicted the InSinkErator in a negative light because most disposals grind up celery and leftovers in the name of justice, although the ill-conceived Bizarro line of InSinkErators are a totally separate issue.

The lawsuit further argues that Heroes is suggesting that a disposal could "cause debilitating and severe injuries, including the loss of fingers, in the event consumers were to accidentally insert their hand into one." It’s so true it’s absurd! If the Heroes episode isn’t changed, Emerson will eventually have to sue NBC because "people can’t really fly," "dudes can’t bend time" and "Ali Larter really isn’t famous for anything."

Note to superheroes: Garbage disposals are your enemies

In other news, Justin Timberlake and his former bandmates are suing Emerson for appropriating the name of their patented *NSyncErator, a device that momentarily made Lance Bass straight during their recording career.

October Voting for our Podcast

Help us crack the top 100 comedy podcasts in America! Please vote now for our podcast on Podcast Alley. Vote early and vote often!

Click here to vote for us!

Thank you - Hands in the Air.

Scariest Halloween Ideas Ever

It’s finally October, and that means two things depending on who you are:

1. If you’re a mulleted DJ at the local Zoo/Edge/Kiss/Star radio station, it’s Rocktober and the month of Double-Shot Thursdays.

2. If you're anybody else, it’s time for Halloween.

Don't give toothbrushes out for Halloween. That’s not a treat.
That’s like giving out burn kits to kids on the 4th of July.

To guarantee that this Halloween is pants-pissingly scary (October’s already off to a frightening start with the revelation of the Screech sex tape and the fact that two Ashton Kutcher movies opened at the top of this weekend’s box office), I’m giving you my suggestions for making the spookiest haunted house ever...

When trick-or-treaters visit, have a youngster answer the door. Here are some scary costume suggestions for what the tot should be dressed as:

• Steve Irwin (wear a khaki outfit and "accessorize" with a sting ray barb)

• John Mark Karr (wear a short-sleeve maroon button-up shirt that’s two sizes too big and hike up your pants above your stomach, then pretend you did it)

• A Zombie (dress up as Katie Holmes, then act like Tom is around)

After the kid answers the door, have the child let the trick-or-treaters into the kitchen, where your guests will be left to wait. Then, you pop out from behind a curtain in the kitchen and say, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.”

It's more effective than saying "Boo!" But be careful – those aren’t Snickers bars you'll see plopping on the linoleum.

“Let me read you this transcript: ‘Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.’ You really think that's appropriate to say to a child?”

For those of you who don’t know, Chris Hansen hosts a recurring hidden-camera sting operation on Dateline called “To Catch a Predator,” in which he ambushes online pervs who’ve been lured to suburban kitchens for what they think is a sure thing with an underage kid. Instead, they get their Gymboree-chasin’ pants scared off of them when a news reporter comes out and punks them into a 20-year stint in prison. It’s the best show on television, and you can catch it every Friday at 9pm when you’re not rockin’ like a hurricane to a double dose of The Scorpions this Rocktober.