The Year of Us

It's New Year's Eve and it's time to celebrate with our biggest post of 2006, because we're wrapping up the year that was officially ours. The current issue of Time magazine says it all -- we've been named Time People of the Year for 2006! If 2006 was "The Year of Us," then really there's nowhere to go but up for 2007. Happy New Year!

Congratulations to Hands in the Air on being named
Time's Person of the Year!

Do these pants make me look blurry?
Jason gets ready for his close-up for the cover of Time magazine

A year after that U2 guy earns the honor, The Edge and the rest of his band
(along with the Hands in the Air gang) finally get to share the title of
Time's Person of the Year. In your face, Bono!

2006 in Review, Part 2

There are mere moments left in 2006, at least here at Hands in the Air HQ, and I'm taking a break from getting drunk off my ass and singing the wrong words to Auld Lang Syne to post my year in review.

Best Comic Event:
Marvel's Civil War


It's the kind of thing nerds crave--who would win in a fight between Captain America and Iron Man? Now we're kind of getting a chance to answer that and many other hero vs. hero battles that were once the realm of "What if..." tales. This also proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Iron Man is a dick. I've been saying that for years, and it's nice to finally have some back-up.

Worst Comic Event:
Spider-Man: The Other

Spider-Man ate a vampire's head, died, came back to life after a spirit-quest and then confronted an enemy made out of a swarm of mystical spiders. As Stan Lee would say, 'Nuff Said.

Comic Movie that Raped my Childhood the Hardest:
Superman Returns

Brian Singer, in remaking the original Superman: The Movie, basically took the world's most iconic super hero and turned him into a deadbeat dad. Thanks. There's so much wrong with this movie that I don't know where to begin, but when I'm rooting for Lois and her love-child with Superman to drown in a watery grave, that's a bad sign. The sweet irony is that nerds all over, myself included, were panicked that Singer's departure from the X-Men franchise would spell certain doom, but Brett Ratner's X-Men: The Last Stand is in every way a better film (not great, but better), than Superman Returns.

Best Movie of the Year:

Trick category. No Star Wars films were released this year therefore cinema, as both art and entertainment, stagnated. Maybe there'll be something in 2007. I hear good things about Spider-Man 3.

Best Movie Ending No One Saw:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Sure, the theatrical version just kind of stops after a long, meandering 2-and-a-half hours, but I've heard that in the super-secret ultimate collector's edition, Gore Verbinski will include the real ending. I hear Disney plans to release the finale, which also clocks in at 2-and-a-half hours or more, in theaters next year. I think it's called Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Since I paid for the first half of the movie already, will I have to pay for the rest? Time will tell.

Best New Magazine:
Girls & Corpses Magazine

Okay, it's probably not new this year, but c'mon. Do you like girls? I do. Do you like corpses? Who the hell doesn't? Put them together and it's like the peanut butter in your chocolate or the K-Y Jelly in your embalming fluid. HOT!

Best Prank of the Year:

Bring a copy of Girls & Corpses Magazine to work and leave it in the public bathroom. Make sure to paste on a fake label with your manager's address on it for extra punch. Stick some pages together with a few smears of glue for an added creep factor.


That's it for me and for 2006. I've got to get going because Jenni is pretending to be passed out at the Standard Hotel downtown in another desperate attempt to get groped by a stranger/star and Jason's too busy demonstrating his Jean-Claude Van Damme dance from Kickboxer for a bunch of drunk chicks to pick her up. See you next year!

2006 in Review, Part 1

There's less than a week left in 2006, so it's time to take a look back at the past 360-odd days. Here are some of my random picks for the highlights and lowlights of '06:

Disturbing Trend of the Year:
Authors without Shame

• Bestselling author James Frey admits to Oprah that he fabricated his memoir, A Million Little Pieces
  
  
• How Harvard student Kaavya Viswanathan plagiarized a novel, lost a movie deal and got caught
  
  
• Jason, Jenni, Steve and Chris begin writing this blog and launch a companion podcast

Even Father Time wastes half a checkbook making that stupid mistake.

Silliest New Words of the Year:

• "Firecrotch"
• "SexyBack"
• "Suri Cruise"
  

Best New Phrases of the Year:

• "Sugartits" - Mel Gibson
• "Ching-chong, ching-chong, Danny deVito, ching-chong, ching-chong, The View" - Rosie O'Donnell.
  
  As a real-life Ching-Chongese-American, I think Rosie's interpretation of the language is almost as good as my fat lesbian imitation: "Lilith Fair, Lilith Fair, porkchops, Indigo Girls, Indigo Girls, all-you-can-eat buffet."

Worst New Phrases of the Year:

• "Lock the Cashbox/Stop the Catbox"
  This is from that dumb phone ad where two guys are singing the wrong lyrics to The Clash's "Rock the Casbah." Somehow they managed to download the song by name, but they still couldn't make the connection that the title lyric was being sung in the chorus. That's just lazy joke writing, Madison Avenue.
  
  
• "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"
  NBC's motto for Heroes didn't quite turn out to be the t-shirt/bumper sticker slogan it was hyped to be. No matter how many times the phrase was ominously whispered at the end of the show with eerie reverb effects, it still sounded superstupid rather than superheroic.

Annoying Trend of the Year:
Random people making awful Borat impressions
The real Borat is funny, but why do unfunny people insist on imitating him? Very niiice? No, not at all.

Baffling Movie Phenomenon of the Year:
High School Musical
I have no idea why a story about singing co-eds became one of the biggest TV movies and DVDs of the year

Movie Phenomenon of the Year That Wasn't:
Snakes on a Plane
The movie delivered everything it promised! What more do you want, America? Singing snakes in varsity jackets?

Best Song of the Year:
"Phantom Limb" - The Shins
The full album, Wincing the Night Away, doesn't come out until January 23, 2007, but the lead single is already my favorite song of this year

15 Favorite Albums of the Year:

1. The Life Pursuit - Belle & Sebastian
2. Hearts and Unicorns - Giant Drag
3. Everything All the Time - Band of Horses
4. The Crane Wife - The Decemberists
5. Mr. Beast - Mogwai
6. Cansei de Ser Sexy - CSS
7. Carnavas - Silversun Pickups
8. You in Reverse - Built to Spill
9. The Electricity in Your House Wants to Sing - i am robot and proud
10. Show Your Bones - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
11. Duper Sessions - Sondre Lerche and the Faces Down Quartet
12. I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass - Yo La Tengo
13. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
14. The Audience's Listening - Cut Chemist
15. The Eraser - Thom Yorke

Some Notable Deaths in 2006:
James Brown, Gerald Ford, Steve Irwin, Joseph Barbera, Coretta Scott King, Aaron Spelling, Don Knotts, Lou Rawls, Chris Penn, Robert Altman, Peter Boyle, Mickey Spillane, Desmond Dekker, Shelley Winters, Dennis Weaver, Peter Benchley, Darren McGavin, Jack Palance, Oleg Cassini, Buck Owens, Billy Preston, Wilson Pickett, Eddie the dog from TV's Frasier, Maureen Stapleton, H.R. Pufnstuf kid Jack Wild, Gerald Levert, Mike Douglas, Tamara Dobson (Cleopatra Jones), Syd Barrett, The Breakfast Club principal Paul Gleason, Ed Bradley, Chef on South Park, UPN, The WB

Britney Spears' To-Do List 2007:
Learn how to be a good mom
Learn how to pick a good husband
Learn how to wear panties in public

______

Baby Jesus and Santa Want You to Stop Taking a Dump All Over Poor Kids

I'm one of Santa's operatives, and lately I've been in charge of the Spanking Division (we help, ah, rehab people from the "Naughty" list by spanking away their, um, naughtiness). Not only does that put me on the permanent "Nice" list and guarantee that I can get into all the hot North Pole nightspots, it also means I'm privy to some serious Santa's inner circle shit. Now, Santa is drinking buddies with Baby Jesus--yes, Jesus can take many forms, but he thinks using the "Baby Jesus" form is most hilarious when he goes drinking--and around this time of year, Baby Jesus gets pissed. Not pissed drunk, the dude can change the alcohol in his blood into normal old, um, whatever is in your blood when alcohol isn't, but pissed pissed. He doesn't mind that people celebrate his birthday on the totally wrong day. I mean, he did, but he's had time to get over that. He also doesn't mind getting older, obviously, since he can change into Baby form at will.

No, what Baby Jesus gets major Old Testament-style wrath of God pissed about is Toys for Tots. And Santa is right there with him. They're so similar, it's totally spooky. Almost every year they get each other the same exact thing for Christmas. Last year it was a carton of smokes and a white undershirt--long story--think Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club and Schneider from One Day at a Time and you're 95% of the way there.

Yeah, that's right, Toys for Tots. And if you've ever looked inside the Toys for Tots drop-off boxes, particularly the ones at workplaces but really any one will do--you should know exactly why this issue crawls up Baby Jesus and Santa's collective ass and stays there.

SC and BJ are all for charity, mind you. And they love the Marines for the work they do with the Toys for Tots program. They don't have a problem with the whole concept of Toys for Tots. They have a problem with how it all ends up working out--that most of the toys that land in the Toys for Tots drop-off boxes suck a big candy cane-flavored dick.

Don't act all innocent, you know what I'm talking about. You can't be surprised that Baby Jesus and Santa Claus are super pissed at pretty much all of you "generous" souls who donate to Toys for Tots only to stick the toy equivalent of 5-year old cans of creamed corn and that Clamato you accidentally bought that one time you were drunk at the grocery store into the donation bins. (Oh, and they're not too happy about that food drive bullshit y'all pull, either, but this toy shit really gets them going.)

Since I work for Santa, it's up to me to do his dirty work and break it down here. When it comes to charities like Toys for Tots, it's not actually the fucking thought that counts. You have to loosen up your wallet (and maybe your cobwebbed-over, creaky-ass heart) put down a few dollars more on the toys. And while you're at it, get the hell out of the dollar store and the cheap toy bullshit aisle in Wal-Mart and buy some goddamn good toys to give to the poor kids. Your current donations are not cutting it, and at this rate, it's better you don't donate anything.

Do you know which toys, if any, your average poor kid can afford, and has easy access to? Um, fucking dollar store and the cheap aisle at Wal-Mart toys. What the hell kind of favor do you think you're doing the Marines and the poor kids (wait--Toys for Tots is for poor kids, right?), dropping off those ugly, misshapen, no-name, no-fun toys? Is that what you give the children in your life? Kind of doubt it. Would you be pissed if your whorish stepsister or Mother-in-law tried to give your kids toys like that and called it a Christmas gift? Yeah, motherfucker, you would be extremely pissed and you know it. You'd never forgive those bitches.

So. Santa and Baby Jesus say: buy decent toys to put in the Toys for Tots bin, or don't fucking bother, you cheap-ass bastards.

It's now Christmas, so surely those poor, poor kids have been handed their dollar-store treasures. Did they cry, I wonder? Stare blankly at the "gift," wondering if they should say something or just let it go? Did the shitty toys hit the trash immediately, or do the kids destroy the toys in an elaborate, vengeful ceremony, just to get some small bit of enjoyment out of 'em? That's what I would do. That's what Santa would do. That's what Baby Jesus did with that frankincense and myrrh bullshit.



Goddammit I thought I was done here but you know, I really don't understand this shit. Why do people bother donating horrible bullshit to charity? Like, this one time, in college, the office I worked in adopted a family and bought them gifts, and I got so pissed because first of all they refused to buy the kids in the family video games, reasoning that the kids didn't need video games as much as they needed clothes (um, missing the fucking point a little, don't you think?) and clucking over the audacity of the kids asking for such unnecessary items when, you know, they're poor and clearly don't deserve the same fun other kids get to have if, apparently, they have the wardrobe for it. And then, to add a further layer of insult, as we were buying the family groceries and stuff they sent me to get the toilet paper, so I pulled down the Charmin I prefer for my own ass, and they took it back and bought the cheapest one-ply paper they make, again reasoning that this family didn't need the luxury toilet paper people like me use. Like they really said that, oh, they don't need that kind of toilet paper, this is good enough, just like the kids in the family didn't need the video games, like they were giving me a life lesson or something and they were, but not the one they thought they were. I guess you can argue the toilet paper point, as fucked up as that is, since lots of people use less luxurious paper than I do, but again, missing the fucking point of Christmas gifts and wish lists if you're only giving the giftees what they need and things that are good enough and not what they want and wish for and things that will make them feel for a moment the happiness and comfort we lucky types get to feel every single motherfucking day. Goddammit, that's some fucked up shit, and every time I (and uh, Baby Jesus and Santa Claus) see a Toys for Tots bin with bad toys and bad toys only in it, we get reminded of how much people suck, and we shed a tear. On the inside. We don't want the people we work with to think we're baby pussyfaces, crying at shit all the time.

R.I.P. Tower Records

Tower Records stores have officially closed their doors forever. Worldwide, there have been three mammoth chains of deep-catalog CD stores (Tower Records, HMV and the Virgin Megastore; "CD stores" that also have washing machine departments don't count), and Tower was always the dumpiest of the bunch. But that's probably what gave the store its rock-'n'-roll cred. And while HMV, Virgin and local chains like California's Amoeba Records or Seattle's Easy Street Records will fill the void for music fans, Tower Records and its awful ketchup-and-mustard logo will be sorely missed.

Tower Records
1960 - 2006Merry Christmas! I just bought your gift for $2,
but I'm keeping the $18.99 price tags on them so you think I care 90% more!

Since October, Tower has been clearing out its stock. First, the stores marked inventory down by 10%, then 20%, then 30%. In the past few days, all CD prices took a nosedive to 80% off until the final days when all CDs were $2 or less.

It's staggering how picked-over the store was in its final days on life support. Pretty much every CD or DVD you've remotely heard of was gone from the shelves. Sadly, I don't think I've ever bought as many CDs than I did during Tower's final months of close-out prices. I can't resist a bargain. Never before have I been so excited to buy CDs by bands I'm only mildly excited about.

This past Thursday, I visited the store on Sunset Boulevard (pictured above) in West Hollywood for cheapie Christmas gifts, and there was really nothing left over that was worth buying. Seriously, who knew Tower carried so many whale song CDs or Spanish-language DVDs? If you know any Mexican sailors, I've got a gift bag I can sell you.


Special contest! If you're the first commenter to identify all 5 CDs Jason is holding in the photo, you'll get mentioned in our sidebar. That's the best prize I can give you after buying too many unspectacular CDs for spectacular prices.

R.I.P. Joe Barbera

Joe Barbera

March 24, 1911 - December 18, 2006Shaggy, Tom & Jerry, Dynomutt and the Wacky Races' Slag Brothers

Adventures in Christmas Shopping

There are only nine shopping days until Christmas, so of course, today marks the first day I decided to hit the malls to start buying gifts. Here are a few highlights from today's mall crawl...

• No known mortals have ever purchased something for themselves at Brookstone.
• Brookstone solely exists for people who don't know what the hell to buy someone. If you receive a gift from Brookstone (foot massager, nature sounds alarm clock, talking picture frame, etc.), then the giftgiver doesn't really know anything about you. Hell, everyone could use a manicure kit, right?
  
  
• Pam the receptionist and Kevin the accountant from TV's "The Office" were shopping together.
• I was at the Apple Store at Fashion Square mall in Sherman Oaks, California and so were The Office stars Jenna Fischer and Brian Baumgartner. I wonder what Jim would think... Awkward. They were in line in front of me and there was a big sign with a picture of The Office cast on a giant iTunes gift card... Double awkward.
  
  
• I found $18 in the Target parking lot, and it wasn't even lying in a Salvation Army bucket
• Like a Christmas miracle, there was a ten-spot, a fiver and three ones all folded up in the middle of the parking lot. I guess I could use it to buy some toy for a tot who's underprivileged, but philanthropy is going to be my new year's resolution for 2007. Merry Christmas to me!
  
  

R.I.P. George Clooney's Pig

Since 1988, George Clooney has had a pet pig named Max, but his swine died this past week to go where the other white meat spends eternity. By that, I mean "hog heaven" and not languishing under the heat lamps at the end of the Hometown Buffet line. Max was 19 and George owned him for 18 of those years, meaning the pig had seen the actor go from smug bit player on The Facts of Life to smug Emmy-nominated ER heartthrob to smug-and-nippled Batman star to smug Oscar-nominated director. To paraphrase Charlotte's Web, that's some pig.

Max, George Clooney's Pig
1987 - 2006

In happier times, mentioning "George Clooney," "pork" and "19-year-old" in the same sentence would have the Good Night, and Good Luck star high-fivin' Matt Damon

R.I.P. X-Men Comic Artist Guy

It's past a week overdue, but here's a memorial to Dave Cockrum, the comic book artist who's probably best known for his work on the X-Men comics. Cockrum apparently died in his Superman pajamas, which seems pretty appropriate... Sorta like if Britney Spears were to die without panties.

Dave Cockrum
Comic Book Artist
November 12, 1943 - November 26, 2006

An Iron Fist comic book cover by Dave Cockrum featuring Storm, Nightcrawler and Colossus, who were among some of the X-Men he co-created

Sweet Christmas!

The holiday season is upon us and thank God that it is. I love this time of year because I love Christmas, and I love Christmas because it's a holiday during which families are usually compelled to pretend like they like each other and gifts are exchanged. But it seems even these two basic tenents of Jesus' birthday are no longer sacred as a mother in Rock Hill, South Carolina just had the local police arrest her 12-year-old son for opening a Christmas present early.


The child apparently knew that his great-grandmother had bought him a Game Boy Advance and decided to just take the gift from beneath the tree and start playing with it. The boy's 27-year-old mother threatened to call the cops if the handheld system wasn't returned. The kid handed over the GBA, but mom called the Five-O on him anyway. The responding officers busted the kid for petty larceny and he was released back to his mother pending trial, where she's said she plans to hand him over to a State institution. Yeah, because if anything can straighten your kid out it's certainly not loving, attentive parenting but cold, cruel justice inside a State-run juvenile detention facility.

There are so many things wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin. First, great-grandma, get with the times. The GBA is on life support. Save some recycling money and get the kid a Nintendo DS so he's not the laughing stock of his friends. Maybe then he wouldn't punch police officers and otherwise act up. Second, mom's a shitty parent. Yeah, it sucks she got preggers at 15, but all that means is she was a shitty parent from a young age. If you need to call the authorities to wrangle your 12-year-old, you suck at this and maybe handing the kid over to the State isn't such a bad idea, but don't pretend like it's Junior's fault. It's all you, lady. And it is extra-bullshitery that when the kid handed the present over, you still called the cops. Christmas is supposed to be the time of the year when families come together, not when you decide to finally have that abortion 12 years too late.

Third, how the hell does the kid know what he's getting for Christmas? I'm just going to assume it's more bullshit parenting skills, because no one's showing me any reason to believe otherwise. When I was a kid, Christmas presents and their locations were guarded with the strictest secrecy. I'd have had an easier time getting the launch codes from the President than I would finding my gifts. But then, when I was a kid I had rules and boundaries that I was cool with because I love my mom and she loves me and I didn't want to disappoint her. Love and guilt are some strong motivators.

And isn't that what Christmas is really all about?


Photo by Jason

Podcast Episode #008: Downtown Babyhole

The world needs a Christmas miracle. Britney and K-Fed are splitsville. Pammy Anderson and Kid Rock are kaput. Hilary Duff and that one dude who I think works at Hot Topic have broken up. But just when you think there's no more love in the world, Hands in the Air delivers you a long overdue podcast! And at 58-plus minutes, it's our longest podcast ever! Thank you, baby Jesus!*

Highlights of Episode #008: Downtown Babyhole:

• Chris reveals personal news that's a little too personal

• Jenni's sisters Deitri and Megan, mother Marti and nephew Quinn sit in to chat from Cleveland

• Jenni then promptly sullies her family name by coining the podcast title that's so vulgar that even Michael Richards wouldn't say it at The Laugh Factory

• Steve somehow manages to relate everything to prison politics; five people are shanked during the recording

• Jason performs two new songs: One song samples Chris ad nauseum and the other butchers a Christmas classic

LISTEN & VOTE FOR OUR PODCAST!
Search for our latest podcast at the iTunes Music Store or find it in our sidebar. And be sure to cast a vote for our podcast at Podcast Alley!


* Celebrity endorsement not implied.

King Me!

It’s good to be The King. Not just any king mind you, I am referring to the one and only monarch who still has relevancy in these modern, democratic times. I’m talking, of course, about the Burger King and, while you surely know him for his delicious flame-broiled burgers and the answer to my prayers, Chicken Fries, you should also know that he has taken the first bold steps into a new frontier. Right now, with any combo meal purchase at Burger King, you can secure for the low, low price of an additional $3.99, one of three hot, new XBOX and XBOX 360 games featuring The King himself in all of his plastic-faced, creepy glory.

Have it your way. Fast food and video games:
Burger King gives you two ways to get a fat ass!

Two of the three games seem pretty dull. Big Bumpin’ seems to be nothing more than a bumper car simulator which basically fits the definition of a game nobody asked for. There’s just no way to virtually simulate the thrill of slamming maniacally into a retarded kid over and over again and the look of helplessness mingled with terror and rage on his red, puffy, Down Syndrome face as he cries and runs screaming from the midway. Yeah, like I’m the only one who does that. The other game is Pocketbike Racer which, despite having a name rife with masturbatory overtones, is little more than a racing game featuring The King on a miniature motorbike.

The real Special Sauce on this sandwich is the game Sneak King. In this stealthy adventure, The King must use his wits and guile to quietly stalk hungry citizens and then pop out and surprise them with his juicy Whopper. Imagine getting into your car on your way to some appointment or Ye Olde Porn Shoppe (still not just me), with a growling stomach, only to find that permanently frozen, regal face staring coldly at you from the rear view mirror, a piping hot burger in hand. Sure, at first you’d be freaked out, but then you’d realize what was going on and be delighted for the snack. If only The King were permitted to perform this service to society for reals. Stupid breaking and entering laws.

Hopefully this whole thing is a tremendous success and Burger King has the opportunity to expand to other platforms. For example, the Nintendo Wii and its new control scheme would open up a whole new realm of possibilities. They could make Royal Burger Chef for instance, in which the player must use the Wii Remote’s motion sensing technology to flip burgers, mop the restaurant and perform other typical fast food employee chores under the watchful, judgmental gaze of The King. That fits right in line with Nintendo’s recent string of “Touch Generation” games like Brain Age which endeavors to make math fun. And Royal Burger Chef would be vocational training that’s desperately needed by today’s youth. Let’s face it, not all of them are going to grow up to be superstar internet sensations like us here at Hands in the Air.

Photo flame-broiled by Jason

Happy Thanksgiving

After this guy serves us dinner,
let's steal his land and rename his precious maize "corn."

Jason Goes to American Music Awards, Redefines "Fergalicious"

The American Music Awards ceremony was held this past Tuesday, and I was somehow able to attend the show and after-party. Through my fancy-pants job, I got to hang out in the green room for the entire show, so I rubbed elbows with almost all of the American Music Award presenters and performers before they hit the stage. Here's the scoop on the backstage dirt...

• Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie did a lot of talking together, as did Christian Slater and William Shatner. Not a lot of crossover between those two worlds, though, I guess.
  

• Miley Cyrus was all "long-time-no-see" with Mario Lopez. I think they both attended Bayside High or something.
  

• Even though he was introducing them, Tony Hawk said he'd never heard The Pussycat Dolls' music. Some of us should be so lucky.
  

• Tender Paris Hilton moment: When Paris entered the green room and was greeted with "Hey, Silly!" by Nicole Richie. They really are friends!

• Creepy Paris Hilton moment: Paris inviting all the celebrity backstagers to "another house party" of hers, resulting in her actually extending the invitation to Taylor Hicks.

• Bizarre Paris Hilton moment: Paris phoning someone to pick her up and having to repeat "This is Paris" five times.

• Fallout Boy was asked to perform their hit song but didn't want to do old material so they threw together a new song for the show. It was only two weeks old and sounded like it.
  

• The blond kid from the cast of High School Musical was the only celebrity who threw away his plastic plates and water bottles rather than waiting for the caterers to do it. He actually bussed the table for the rest of his castmates, too. It's good to know some actors are bracing themselves for waitstaff careers.

For the official after-party at the Shrine, it seemed like almost all of the celebrities ditched it for bigger and better shindigs. Word on the street was that Jay-Z was having his own party. Maybe for his re-un-retirement.

The Shrine ballroom apparently wasn't decorated as opulently as it had been for past events like the Emmys. It resembled a school gym having some sort of "Jazz Night." I spotted only a handful of stars at the party:

• Aly & AJ, who were making a pretty early exit

• "Weird Al" Yankovic, who was busy in the buffet line

• The cast of High School Musical, who I'm pretty sure are all too young to attend any of the better parties anyways

• Joe Francis, or as one woman boldly declared within earshot of the two ladies he had in tow, "There's that jerk from Girls Gone Wild."

I actually saw a middle-aged woman excitedly getting her photo taken with Joe Francis. That just seemed wrong to me. Damn. Now that I think of it, I totally should've lifted up my shirt for them. Maybe next year.

Read All about Us

People love to seek validation. You could be validated by being honored by your peers. Or maybe you're welcomed into an elite inner circle. Or maybe you just get a salad dressing named after you (like Paul Newman, Julius Caesar or Randy van Honey Mustard). Me? I'd prefer to be validated by having my name turned into a verb.

For bloggers, validation comes when another site writes about your blog. That's just happened to us, and surprisingly, that other site isn't even called "The FBI Watch List." Minimate Headquarters is a great toy site dedicated to the li'l figures who appear in most of our photos, and MMHQ has posted an interview with us. Check out their article on us and visit their site often. That's what I've been doing. At least when I'm not "Jasoning" my brains out.

Someone put us on their site! Take that, Blog of Note!

Read all about us at Minimate Headquarters!

You Can Quote Us

It's been a while since we podcasted. In addition to having a few pretty dumpy sessions that just didn't go anywhere or didn't go anywhere much good, we're now having technical difficulties.

To fill the gap I know has opened wide in all of your lives, I'm collecting and recording for posterity some of the quotable quotes we've uttered recently. Just pretend you hear us saying them, and it's like we're podcasting! Sort of! Not really! But still!

After eating a cookie boat dessert:
"I ate the whole poop deck".
"I've been trying to get you to eat my poop deck for years."
"Well, maybe you should swab it once in a while."


Context-less quotes:

"The burlesque nut is dry."

"When she comes it's like someone's clubbing a baby seal."

"Blew out your man-dle."

"Spread my butt cheeks like a bear opening a honeycomb to get at the sweet nectar within."


I guess we're pretty dirty. Or the only things I remember are the dirty ones.

I'll add more when I remember them or when they spring fresh from our delightfully witty lips.

For a fun game, try to guess who said what.

Sketchy Comedy

We did this whole thing where we reviewed a lot of the new fall season but then I don't know, the magic was gone and I didn't post it. Maybe I still will. Anyhoo, one of the things we talked about was Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I think it sucks. Like, a lot. I'm proud of America for not watching it. We watch it, tho, 'cause Steve likes Aaron Sorkin. Me, I'm probably gonna kick Mr. Sorkin in the balls if I ever see him. I was thinking about how not funny the sketches are, and came up with this list of things that are funnier.

Cancer

When people's dogs attack them and f' up their faces

Projectile vomiting

Gallaghers 1 and 2

Getting hit on the balls

Butt cancer

The continued use of "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you" by, you know, anyone

The "serious" and "smart" parts of Studio 60

Puppy butt cancer

When Billy age 8 takes a circuitous route in the Sunday Family Circus

Limbless babies

The ointment you have to rub on your puppy's butt cancer

When people make the hand gesture like they're strokin' the ol' man meat to express their displeasure with something

9/11 Jokes

The death of a beloved family pet from butt cancer

Happy Halloween

While you sort your Halloween haul into piles of good candy (Snickers, Peanut M&M's) and bad candy (does anyone really eat Heath bars or Bit-O-Honeys when it's not Halloween?), treat yourself to some pictures of us in costume and our lists for the season of the witch.

Spider-Man and his greatest foes
Chris as Sandman, Steve as Spider-Man, Jason as Green Goblin and Jenni as Doctor Octopus

Jenni's Top 5 Trick-or-Treat Goodies She Throws Out

1. Fruit
2. Black licorice
3. Candy corn
4. Toothbrush
5. Nickels
   

The Fantastic Four
Steve as the Thing, Jenni as Mr. Fantastic, Jason as the Human Torch and Chris as the Invisible Woman

Steve's Top 5 Halloween Movies

1. Halloween 3
2. Halloween
3. Halloween 2
4. Halloween 4
5. Halloween: Resurrection

Hobbits
Steve as one of those Hobbits (maybe Merry?), Jason as another one of those Hobbits (maybe Frodo?), Jenni as another one of those Hobbits (maybe Pippin?) and Chris as another one of those Hobbits (maybe Dumbledore or that dude from Lost?)

Jason's Top 5 Trick-or-Treating Pet Peeves

1. Replying to the phrase "trick or treat" with "trick"
2. Parents who trick-or-treat for their babies
3. Saying "nice costume" to people who didn't even dress up
4. Teens who want candy but think they're too cool to dress up
5. People too lazy to answer their door who leave out a bowl of unattended candy

Star Trek
Steve as Spock, Jason as Sulu, Jenni as McCoy and Chris as a pile of Tribbles

Chris's Top 5 Sexy Halloween Outfits

1. French maid*
2. Naughty nurse*
3. Sexy schoolgirl*
4. Horny cheerleader*
   
5. Naked chick*
   

* With big boobs

Into the Gap

It's time for a Gap ad (RED)ux. Here's the latest batch of character photos INSPI(RED) by The Gap's (Product) Red campaign...

Human Torch

Mario

Daredevil... or DA(RED)EVIL

Optimus Prime

PICTU(RED) by Jason

TI(RED), BOTHE(RED) and BO(RED)

Now that Bono has saved the planet, the U2 frontman and global savior has set his tinted, visored sights on curing AIDS in Africa. And faster than you can find a copy of Zooropa in a used CD bin, Bono has figured out how to stop the epidemic. Bono's "Red" campaign brilliantly harnesses the same space-age technology that keeps U2 drummer Larry Mullins, Jr. looking exactly as he did when the band recorded their Boy album.

Armani, Converse and American Express are among the companies associated with the Red campaign, and surely you've seen The Gap's ads for the cause. As a tribute, we've created a Gap (Product) Red ad featuring Kidrobot's new, curious line of block figures designed by clubwear fashion house Heatherette that features its frequent model/scenester and world's most famous transsexual, Amanda Lepore.


While Jenni and I were bo(red), we came up with a list of other potential "red" words that could be used in The Gap's campaign to save the entire population of Africa so that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would eventually be able to adopt them.

BUGGE(RED)
SUCKE(RED)
EMBITTE(RED)
FI(RED)
INB(RED)
PLASTE(RED)
WHO(RED)
COLD-SO(RED)
DEFLOWE(RED)
WITHE(RED)
BUTTE(RED)

Strangely, most of the above words would work if Lindsay Lohan decided to pose for a Gap ad. INFER(RED)!

The Phrase That Pays

If you’ve been paying attention to the news at all over the past few months, you’ve probably heard the current administration using a familiar phrase to describe their current strategy for the war in Iraq—“stay the course.” You have to admit, it’s catchy in that folksy, “Dear Abby” rip-off style that suits our current President. I kind of see him as Dr. Phil without all of that sensitivity crap. So imagine my utter disappointment in hearing via White House Press Secretary Tony Snow that “stay the course” was out. Now there is a gaping hole in the administration’s catchphrase offense, and I wouldn’t be such a diligent patriot if I didn’t help fill it.


Part of the problem, as stated by Tony Snow recently was that the phrase “stay the course” connoted rigidity in the face of an obviously complex and fluid situation such as the war in Iraq, which certainly doesn’t represent this White House accurately. I also think that the beloved catchphrase simply played itself out. It’s like an old standby from one of your favorite bands that they have to play at every concert. Sure, the first few times Boston plays “More Than a Feeling” it’s awesome, but once you see it live a few dozen times, it starts to wear a little thin. It was time for a catchphrase enema, and the administration knew it.

Now catchphrases are kind of like Middle Eastern dictators in that, when you take one out, you need to replace it with something quickly or else there’s a power vacuum and your whole lexicon will devolve into a civil war of words and sectarian violence of semantics, things this White House is clearly not willing to let happen. So far all their best and brightest have managed to come up with is “cut and run” which, don’t get me wrong is killer, but that’s really only good for the midterm elections and misrepresenting the platform of many of their political opponents. There’s a need for something more positive and upbeat, something that defines all of the hard work and dedication this administration is putting into their sterling performance of the war. Now, I’ve given this a lot of thought, at least a full five minutes, and here is what I’ve come up with:

Iraq: “Tough it out and give 110%”

This isn’t a guaranteed slam-dunk by any means. There’s a lot of focus group testing and polling to be done, but here’s why I think this is a winner.

First, you get not just one down-home cliché, but two! It’s double the vapid country wisdom in one shot, which should give it some legs. Second, it applies easily to sports, which Americans love, unless we’re talking about soccer. Third, it gets the word “tough” in there right away, because that’s what this President is. “Tough it out” does admit that there’s a struggle, but we’re persevering and overcoming. “Give 110%” shows that we’re not just slugging it out in a stand-off or lollygagging, we’re giving our all and then some. And since we all know that terrorists and insurgents are lazy bastards, they can’t be giving more than 60 or 70%, which means victory is inevitable as soon as someone defines what “victory” is.

So don’t be surprised if, in the next few weeks when those liberal fags in the White House Press Corps ask Tony Snow what the President plans to do about the probably worsening situation in Iraq, he looks them dead in the eye and says, “the President and our armed forces are going to tough it out and give 110%.” Suck on that Helen Thomas, you pinko.

All right, I hate to cut and run on this blog post, but I need to come up with a new name for KFC’s delicious, but shittily named “Famous Bowls.” As for a new catchphrase for the President, mission accomplished.


Freedom photos by Jenni

Reservoir Dogs

On October 23, 2002, Reservoir Dogs was released nationwide in theaters across the U.S. To commemorate the event, a special edition DVD of Quentin Tarantino's pulp flick is hitting stores this Tuesday, and it's dubbed "The 15th Anniversary" version (even though the movie is technically only 14 years old, but that'd be nitpicking ages if you're John Mark Karr).

To celebrate the anniversary, I've photographed a small-scale heist.

To quote Nice Guy Eddie, "First things fuckin' last."

The Tribe Has Spoken: Part 2

The votes have been counted and it's time to reveal the finale of Hands in the Air's Survivor: Blog Island, which premiered last month in comic form. A surprise twist is in store, but unfortunately it has nothing to do with us being cheated on by Sara Evans' husband. Maybe a Dancing with the Stars: Blogger Edition is next in store for us...

Happy Friday the 13th

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha-ha

Freddie vs. Jason

Yub-to-the-Nub

"Yub nub, eee chop yub nub."

"Freedom, we've got freedom."

It's poetry, people. It's the first song of celebration from an oppressed galaxy after decades of tyranny pouring from the mouths of adorable, fuzzy freedom-fighters.

I love Ewoks, I really do. I didn't have some silly teddy bear as a child, hell I didn't even like Teddy Roosevelt. I had Wicket W. Warrick as my comfort on dark nights when I was sure that clown from the mini-series version of IT who sounded like Frank-N-Furter was coming to kill me. I've always been an Ewok fan and I always will. But there is an element of the Star Wars fanbase that loathes the cuddly creatures because they're not "hardcore" enough or some crap. Phooey on them, I say! Poppycock!

But it seems these bloodthirsty mongrels have people on the inside. Behold and despair, the Ewok suicide bomber!

Ewoks tend to take their practical jokes a bit too far.

As a unit in the expansion for the PC game Star Wars: Empire at War, the "Ewok handler" is a shirtless monster of a man who plucks helpless Ewoks from his sack, straps explosives to their chests and sends them stumbling bleary-eyed and helpless toward his target. What happens when they reach their destination? Nothing short of fiery, explosive death. By the Emperor's black bones, that's a shade of villainy darker even than Darth Vader could endure.

I love the smell of burning fur in the morning.

This kind of thing is totally unacceptable and I demand that this tactic be removed from the game, post-haste! This exploitation of the adorable Ewok is unconscionable and will not be tolerated. I honestly don't know what the game designers were thinking.

They totally should have used Gungans instead, those guys are assholes.

Gub-gub chee wob-wob (translation: photos by Jason)

Punitive Poetry

I recently recommitted myself to my hair. If you know me, you know I have fabulous hair. But lately, as in, oh, the past two, three, four years, I've been just horribly slackass about taking a few minutes every day to do my hair. So it's been a week and I haven't dropped the hair ball yet. I'm very proud of myself.

So another thing I'm trying to recommit myself to is the blog. I've been horribly slackass about posting to it lately. But, I'm tired and have shit to do. So, to punish and shame myself into actually blogging, I'm going to post one of the goofy poems I write when I'm totally bored in public.

After I post six or seven of these poems, I bet I'll be ashamed enough to try to think up something original.

Or, we'll be a blog of note based solely on my mad hot poetry skillz. Either way, I win. Uh, except for the shame part.

Waiting has never been a talent of mine
A time-consuming poem
by jenni

I bet if I go over there
And play with the foot pumps on the sink
The doctor will finally walk in
And decide I'm sick after all

Garbage Disposal on NBC’s “Heroes” Tricked into Supervillainy by Lex Luthor

If you’ve been watching NBC’s new series Heroes, you’ve probably been wondering who the big supervillain will be for the show’s ad-hoc league of superheroes. After two episodes, the big baddie has finally been revealed, and it’s not some evil uber-genius. It’s a garbage disposal.

Appliance company Emerson, the maker of the incredible InSinkErator (how’s that for a supername?), is suing NBC for last Monday’s episode, which depicted the indestructible cheerleader mangling her hand in the company’s garbage disposal.

Note to NBC: Garbage disposals are our friends

According to Emerson's lawsuit, the Heroes scene depicted the InSinkErator in a negative light because most disposals grind up celery and leftovers in the name of justice, although the ill-conceived Bizarro line of InSinkErators are a totally separate issue.

The lawsuit further argues that Heroes is suggesting that a disposal could "cause debilitating and severe injuries, including the loss of fingers, in the event consumers were to accidentally insert their hand into one." It’s so true it’s absurd! If the Heroes episode isn’t changed, Emerson will eventually have to sue NBC because "people can’t really fly," "dudes can’t bend time" and "Ali Larter really isn’t famous for anything."

Note to superheroes: Garbage disposals are your enemies

In other news, Justin Timberlake and his former bandmates are suing Emerson for appropriating the name of their patented *NSyncErator, a device that momentarily made Lance Bass straight during their recording career.

October Voting for our Podcast

Help us crack the top 100 comedy podcasts in America! Please vote now for our podcast on Podcast Alley. Vote early and vote often!

Click here to vote for us!

Thank you - Hands in the Air.

Scariest Halloween Ideas Ever

It’s finally October, and that means two things depending on who you are:

1. If you’re a mulleted DJ at the local Zoo/Edge/Kiss/Star radio station, it’s Rocktober and the month of Double-Shot Thursdays.

2. If you're anybody else, it’s time for Halloween.

Don't give toothbrushes out for Halloween. That’s not a treat.
That’s like giving out burn kits to kids on the 4th of July.

To guarantee that this Halloween is pants-pissingly scary (October’s already off to a frightening start with the revelation of the Screech sex tape and the fact that two Ashton Kutcher movies opened at the top of this weekend’s box office), I’m giving you my suggestions for making the spookiest haunted house ever...

When trick-or-treaters visit, have a youngster answer the door. Here are some scary costume suggestions for what the tot should be dressed as:

• Steve Irwin (wear a khaki outfit and "accessorize" with a sting ray barb)

• John Mark Karr (wear a short-sleeve maroon button-up shirt that’s two sizes too big and hike up your pants above your stomach, then pretend you did it)

• A Zombie (dress up as Katie Holmes, then act like Tom is around)

After the kid answers the door, have the child let the trick-or-treaters into the kitchen, where your guests will be left to wait. Then, you pop out from behind a curtain in the kitchen and say, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.”

It's more effective than saying "Boo!" But be careful – those aren’t Snickers bars you'll see plopping on the linoleum.

“Let me read you this transcript: ‘Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.’ You really think that's appropriate to say to a child?”

For those of you who don’t know, Chris Hansen hosts a recurring hidden-camera sting operation on Dateline called “To Catch a Predator,” in which he ambushes online pervs who’ve been lured to suburban kitchens for what they think is a sure thing with an underage kid. Instead, they get their Gymboree-chasin’ pants scared off of them when a news reporter comes out and punks them into a 20-year stint in prison. It’s the best show on television, and you can catch it every Friday at 9pm when you’re not rockin’ like a hurricane to a double dose of The Scorpions this Rocktober.

Cheap "Blogs of Note" Ploy

Hands in the Air is part of Google's Blogger community, and one of the ultimate Blogger honors is to be featured as one of the day's "Blogs of Note." The problem is that about 90% of the daily Blogs of Note are tech-based (a recent sampling of Blogs of Note include such dorktacular titles as "AJAX Search API Playground," "Hackosphere" and "MacUpdate Blog." Maybe they should rename Blogs of Note to "Bloggers Who Have to Pay for Sex."

As a pop culture blog, our chances seem slim for getting noticed as a Blog of Note, so in a cheap, desperate ploy, I'm publishing this nerdy post about tech help. Blogs of Note, here we come...
Hopefully, that got your attention, Blogs of Note. Sure we're not techie, but I think that after almost 8 months of rambling posts about not-so-practical stuff (i.e. Lindsay Lohan, Lindsay Lohan and Lindsay Lohan) we're still noteworthy. I'm just trying to give those other bloggers out there a chance. I'm sure the lonely cat lady who writes amateur poetry or the angry goth kid who keeps a diary of depression would like to get some attention every so often, too.