Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

Some words of advice: If you’re Lindsay Lohan, you probably shouldn’t be documenting your life in print in a diary. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with committing your memories to paper, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that most of Lindsay’s daily escapades are best forgotten. Seriously, Lindz, do you really want to relive the Wilmer Valderrama chapters? If most of your life is spent stocking your closet full of skeletons, you really don’t want to leave a trail of kibble outside to make it easy for the dogs to find your boneyard. But Lindsay loves to court trouble and she had another fling with it last week when her diary turned up missing only to reappear with two pages missing. The diary must’ve been chock full of gems, so what could’ve have been so good on those two particular pages? One can only guess, and in pure James Frey-style, I’m going to fake it and imagine what could have been in those Million Little Pieces of gossip gold that went AWOL from her diary…

Anne Frank? Never heard of her.

January 2, 2006
Partied so hard that I had an asthma attack! I haven’t been so outta breath since I found out that Aaron Carter was on the rebound. Pant. Pant. Like, my lung capacity is so much smaller since my boobs shrunk. Huff. Puff. You know what I could use right now? No, silly, besides an inhaler and a Snickers. A pregnancy test. For my friend. Not for me. For my friend. I’ll have a friend bring me a home preggers kit to me. Asthma sucks.

January 12, 2006
Partied with Kate Moss at Scores. We even jumped on stage and did some pole dances. I haven’t been so outta breath since I found out that Jared Leto was on the rebound.

January 26, 2006
You’ll never guess where I’m staying at! Bryan Adams’s mansion!!! I know! What’s he doing with a friggin’ mansion?!? I don’t really know who he is anyway, but I think he used to sing for Loverboy. I found his diary in his drawer full of plain white t-shirts. Here’s the first entry:

July 8, 1969
I got my first real six-string. Oh, at the five-and-dime.

Loverboy must suck. And this guy’s had bangs since 1969?!? Jeez! I’m gonna go take a shower and grab a cup of tea.

January 27, 2006
Bryan Adams’s house is a death trap. Watch that first step outside of his bathroom. Anyhoo, I’m back in the hospital getting 10 stitches from a little teacup mishap. Bryan keeps joking that the teacup "Cuts like a Knife." I don’t get it. Loverboy must suck. Hmm. I wonder if my friend needs another pregnancy test.