Hands in the Air: June 2008

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Three Things That Are Outta Control

1. The new, awful Indiana Jones movie
2. The Jonas Brothers
3. The Jonas Brothers' eyebrows

Monday, June 23, 2008

Rest in Motherfucking Peace, George Carlin

George Carlin, the comedian famous for his filthy 1970s monologue, "The Seven Words You Can't Say on Television" has just sucked the throbbing, cum-gurgling, cunt-busting cock of the grim fucking reaper. Sure, nowadays you can say most of those seven words on TV thanks to series like Poonlighting, Twat's Happening? and CSI: Fistfuck, but let's not piss on Carlin's parade 'cause he's fucking dead, asshole. Shit, show some fucking respect, cocksuckers.*

George Carlin
Comedian, Potty Mouth, Rufus in the Bill & Ted movies
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

*I apologize for my use of harsh language in this post, because I usually don't use this much profanity unless I'm talking about work. Also, I totally forgot to use the word "tits." Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Friday, June 13, 2008

Happy Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th slasher Jason tries to slice bread.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

R.I.P. Bo Diddley

I was all ready to write some sort of stirring and respectful tribute to Bo Diddley, but it turns out that I was mixing him up with B. B. King, who's totally not dead right now. About all I know about this guy is that he has a cool name and I bet it'd look really awesome on his headstone. So much for me being stirring and respectful.

Bo Diddley
Rock and Roll Legend
December 30, 1928 - June 2, 2008

Random Celebrity Sighting of the Moment

Sarah Lancaster
Tue 5/3 eating pizza at the head of the table with her girlfriends at Caioti in Studio City. She plays Ellie, the sister, on TV's Chuck.

Breckin Meyer
Fri 4/8 eating at Bea Bea's in Burbank. He dude with the nose from Clueless, Road Trip and Garfield.

Mare Winningham
Tue 4/5 also eating at Bea Bea's in Burbank. She's from Mildred Pierce and St. Elmo's Fire. She always looks sad even though she's not Breckin Meyer.

James Cromwell
Pretty much every time we go to Art's Deli on Ventura Blvd. in Studio City. He's the farmer from Babe and Jack Bauer's dad from 24.

The Sidebarrio

I grew up in the sidebarrio, man. It's no place for a kid. Sometimes you'd see a family of ten in a tiny column no wider than 35 characters. It's brutal, just brutal. Ain't nobody lookin too hard at no sidebar, yo. Yeah, we got away with things--but things got away with us, too, you know what I'm sayin'? It's a struggle to survive way down in the Sidebarrio. And I ain't talking no top of the sidebar section, where the fancy folks pretend to be slumming in their loft-style converted spaces. This is the for real Sidebarrio, practically the gutter, you dig?

Jenni's Genital Store

Penis massage pants. Jason's birthday is coming up, y'all.

The platypus may hold the key to the scrotum. I thought I held the key to the scrotum!

Vagina couch. Every time you get up it's like being reborn.

Minor celeb dick pics. Not that great, but there just isn't enough male nudity in this world and we need to support it.

Shave everywhere! Be sure to choose "body" not "ear & nose." A really funny promotional website for a razor that helps men manscape. That means shave their pubes.

Buy your own vulva puppet for the greatest puppet show ever!

Two good reasons to be a spiny anteater: four-headed penis, and females may copulate with up to 11 males at a time. The article. The sweet video of the penis in full flower.

The New York Times talks vajayjay. Who are they, me?

A peck of packages. Okay, three. But they're in costume, and they're graded.

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