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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Whoa, That's a Fat Squirrel

Squirks is funny. Whut's he does? Dunno.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

R.I.P. Eartha Kitt

Singer, actress, Catwoman from the Batman TV series (1967 - 1968)
January 17, 1927 - December 25, 2008
You've probably heard her song "Santa Baby" some time today...

Friday, December 12, 2008

R.I.P. Bettie Page

Bettie Page
Pinup Girl

April 22, 1923 - December 11, 2008

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Last Christmas Music Video

I had my eye on a sexy reindeer turtleneck sweater for you, but instead I'm giving this to you for Christmas. It's my second annual stop-motion music video for the holidays, and you can also watch my video opus from last year by clicking here. For this year's production, I've recorded a cover of Wham's "Last Christmas."

That's me singing and playing all the music, with a vocal assist from Jenni and Steve on the chorus. After a week of recording, the song morphed into a cross between Wham's original version and the Jimmy Eat World cover.

I can see why Jimmy Eat World stuck with singing just the chorus because I couldn't sing those breathy verses like George Michael without severely hurting my jingle bells (comedy tip: a "roasted chestnuts" joke would've worked well here, too). Anyway, I have George Michael to thank for challenging me with his melodies. I'd thank Wham's Andrew Ridgely, too, but I'm not sure what that guy really did in that band besides rock a badass mullet. I think he might be on the Sidekicks World Tour 2008 with Oates or Biv and Devoe right now, though.

In any case, I had to rework the melody for the verses and the song ended up with a retro, surfy feel.

For the video part, it took me about three weeks to photograph and edit everything. Jenni and Steve gave me an early Christmas gift of a portable lighting studio, so that made the shoots easier, which is good since I ended up stringing together well over a thousand unique photos.

Enjoy this 7-minute video epic, share the permalink and the cheer, and maybe I'll get you that sexy reindeer sweater next Christmas.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Twit Wit

You might think microblogging is stupid. Okay maybe it is. Maybe all blogging is stupid, at least the way I do it.

But sometimes, it's also awesome.

Here are my poetic, damn-near epic posts from today on the Twitter:

I had an espresso truffle at Starbucks, a drink that has a candy name because it is basically liquid candy. I am so high right now. Coming down from espresso truffle high. Very much like a scene from Trainspotting. My forehead might blow wide open.

Seriously I think I might puke chocolate coffee out of my nostrils and eye holes.

It's in my blood and it's making my veins dance. I am not coming down after all. This shit should be regulated by the gubment.

I am now at a higher frequency than the rest of you. You all look like you're moving in slow motion.

I think maybe I'm existing in at least one or two additional dimensions. I feel them, anyway. Chococoffee demon, what have you done?

Espresso truffle: doorway to dreamtime or Oz or Wonderland or some shit. I am remembering the future and have on some truly bitchin' shoes.

I couldn't even drink the whole thing. A whole espresso truffle would probably Benjamin Button my ass. I would have a baby ass.

What if I drank the rest? It's still on my desk. Cold coffee chocolate elixir. I would either die, or spontaneously evolve, like a Pokemon.

Now just imagine getting that in dribs and drabs, all day long. Yep, it's just that good. Better than half the shit on cable, and it's free! For serious, how could you not want to hear all about my incredible adventures with controlled substances, my bitching about people in my office building, or my "witty" observations? You know you do. It's ok. We all do. I go back and read them just to remind myself of how frakkin' sweet, full and rich my life is. My life is like that cake you make with cake mix and Jell-O, and you poke the cake and then there are like Jell-O stripes in the cake and maybe mayonnaise-based frosting or Dream Whip for frosting, something like that.

Also, follow Jason because he's glamorous like Fergie and slightly more Fergalicious, if you can believe it.

You could also just read the Twitter things we have in our sidebar, but that's just there to entice y'all to follow us follow us. Just sayin'.

P.S., I am still thinking about having a baby ass. I guess if your ass is a baby ass, you have to wear diapers. But is it also small like a baby's ass, or is it adult-sized but just silky smooth and unable to control the pee pee and poo poo flow? I don't know, man. If I have another espresso truffle, I might find out.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Doghouse

I'm no preachy veggo-pounding animal rights nutbar. I love meat. I wear leather. I even like fur coats. Yes I said it, I think fur coats are pretty--and so cuddly! Also, why the outrage over fur in partik, isn't leather just as bad?

But I do think animals should be treated as well as possible, you know, until you get hungry or need a new pair of shoes. And pets, well, pets are something else entirely. They're an animal you invite into your home for selfish reasons--you want a friend, you need protection, your feet get cold at night, you're blind--and the animal helps you out with that shit. So they deserve a bit of consideration. They are doing you a solid, you self-centered bastards. Damn.

Nooo, Batman! Ace the Bathound deserves better. And, uh, aren't you dead or something?

So I came upon this article, "Facing Foreclosure? 3 Reasons Not to Abandon Your Pets" and it just seems crazytown to me. Three reasons? How about just one: because it's a terrible thing to do, and if you do it, then you're a (homeless) monster. Is that not reason enough to let Fluffy take up residence in your car with you? Or at least take her to a shelter, or ask your friends who are better with money than you are to take her in? Sheesh.

But I still kind of can't get over it. I know people are generally crapbuckets, but don't people allegedly love their pets or something? I've loved all my pets and could never do something like that. In fact, I had a cat, Nigel, and because he loved my sister more than me, I gave him to her permanently when I moved away from Ohio. I mean she threatened to kill me if I took him, but the point is, I did what was best for Nigel, not the selfish thing that was best for me.

But still, there the choices were Nigel has a home in Seattle or Nigel has a home in Cleveland. In no way can I fathom just locking up the house that's no longer mine with my cat or dog still inside. What kind of fucked up heartless-ass shit is that? And (I think the article mentioned this) pets bring you comfort. Why would you give away one of your best friends at a low point in your life? I guess these people are bad with money, cold-hearted and stupid. You'd almost feel sorry for them if they weren't worthless cockknockers who don't deserve any sympathy ever at any time.


Friday, November 28, 2008

Xmas Music Video & "Making Of" Photojournal

Back by popular demand, it's my stop-motion holiday video for my cover of "Silent Night." Since the Christmas season has officially begun, I'm reposting my video from last year along with some behind-the-scenes photos from the shoot, so please enjoy them rather than braving the crowds at a department store that really shouldn't be open at 5 in the morning.

Check back here in a couple of weeks, because I'm currently putting together a new stop-motion holiday video that I'll be posting shortly. I've already finished the song, which is my cover version of -- wait for it -- "Last Christmas" by Wham.

In the meantime, here are some photos from my "Making Of" photojournal for last year's shoot...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

We're thankful that you've made us your #12 site of choice for non-pornographic content!
Next year, we're going hardcore.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

R.I.P. Hitchcock Screenwriter Guy

John Michael Hayes
May 11, 1919 - November 19, 2008
Alfred Hitchcock screenwriter
(Rear Window, The Man Who Knew Too Much, To Catch a Thief, The Trouble with Harry)

Monday, November 24, 2008

Jason Attends American Music Awards, Declares He Is... Sasha Fierce

On Sunday, I spent my second year hanging out in the green room of the American Music Awards for work. No, I don't work as a male escort, caterer or makeup artist, and I actually didn't have much to do, so I spent the whole show Twittering and Facebooking the backstage events.

For those of you who don't subscribe to my twats (I think that's past-tense of twitter), here's the transcript in chronological order:

1:53 PM Nov 23rd
Off to American Music Awards, where I'll be hanging in the green room. To prepare, I've marinated myself in Jack Daniels & Axe Body Spray.

3:08 PM Nov 23rd
Riding shuttle to American Music Awards w/ white dreadlocked catering guy. Oh, how far Soul Asylum has fallen.

3:36 PM Nov 23rd
Escaped confused mob of David Archuleta fans at AMAs. I look nothing like a Monchichi.

4:39 PM Nov 23rd
Just saw Ashley Tisdale, T-Pain and Jamie Foxx at the AMA green room.

4:54 PM Nov 23rd
American Music Awards backstage update: Daughtry and Jamie Foxx just chatted. Neither is very tall.

5:06 PM Nov 23rd
Saw one of Christina Aguilera's female backup dancers up close backstage about 10 mins ago. Yiiiiiiiikes.

5:11 PM Nov 23rd
Watching Weiland getting his makeup done. David Cook and Lance Bass also in the hizzy.

5:16 PM Nov 23rd
Holy crap! Ron Jeremy just showed up backstage. I might be at the wrong awards show...

5:25 PM Nov 23rd
Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block just swung into the green room, fresh from his performance.

5:44 PM Nov 23rd
Why is Billy Ray Cyrus wearing gloves backstage?

5:55 PM Nov 23rd
I'm surprised at how tall David Archuleta is in real life. He must be at least a whopping 5'0! Julianne Hough is the same height.

6:13 PM Nov 23rd
Watching Julianne Hough talk to Daughtry backstage. Redhead Pussycat Doll and Kate Walsh just walked in...

6:22 PM Nov 23rd
Colbie Caillat looks pretty hot in person. She's blinging it backstage with a huuuuge rock on her finger.

6:39 PM Nov 23rd
Ashley Tisdale and Julianne Hough have been chatting backstage at a table for a looong while. Let's hope they make a Disney movie together.

6:42 PM Nov 23rd
Guess I saw The Fray backstage and I didn't know it. Seeing them on the monitor now and still don't know it's them.

6:43 PM Nov 23rd
WTF? Brigitte Nielsen is here?!!?

6:49 PM Nov 23rd
Nick Lachey, Vanessa Minillo and everyone else in the green room is glued to the monitor watching Beyonce perform.

6:53 PM Nov 23rd
The AMA green room is a ghost town now. Julianne Hough, Brigitte Nielsen and everyone else left after Beyonce finished performing.

7:12 PM Nov 23rd
Motley Crue just walked in. Mick Mars is tiny.

7:18 PM Nov 23rd
Sarah McLachlan just entered the AMA green room. She was followed by an ethereal glow, seven angels and a unicorn.

7:41 PM Nov 23rd
Steven Tyler and Richie Sambora are catching up backstage...

7:47 PM Nov 23rd
Joe Perry and Nikki Sixx joined in on the convo. It's monsters of rock back here at the American Music Awards.

8:02 PM Nov 23rd
American Music Awards are over. Time for the afterparty on top of the Nokia garage. Wheeeeee!

Yay, music!
This is a test photo for the new stop-motion Christmas music video I'm working on. Check back in a few weeks to watch it!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Vote for Christmas!

It's time to vote again! The Paley Center for Media in L.A. and New York will be hosting a screening of five TV holiday specials as voted on by the public. Even if you won't be able to make the L.A. or NY screenings, you should still vote because we all know how fun voting was this past election, what with the free Starbucks, Ben & Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. You won't get any of those freebies this time around, but we'd really like to see the "John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together" and the "Star Wars Holiday Special" because neither is officially available on DVD or VHS and they never air on ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas.

Not to say that Bea Arthur is the huskiest of The Golden Girls, but what are they insinuating by giving her top billing with "Wookiees" in this special?

Click here to vote! Cast your ballot for Denver/Skywalker in '08!

If you're in L.A. or NY, visit The Paley Center from December 10th through December 24th to watch the top five holiday specials.

Breakin' 2: Electric Google-oo

Hooray for the internets! This site lets you answer people's dumb questions with an animated Google link, but I've found it's even more effective when used to send a passive-aggressive note.

Here are some samples I created for you to send to people who should really know better.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Quantum of Solace

In theaters today.

Here's my teeny toy tribute
to Bond, James, Bond.

Is it just me, or does Quantum of Solace sound more like the name of a Sarah McLachlan album rather than a James Bond movie? The title just sounds like some random words strung together. The Continuum of Pretension. See? I can do it, too!

Here are some other names I think might work better for the new 007 movie:

The Platitude of Ontonomy
The Resplendence of Synergy
The Velocity of Ambivalence
The Elegy of Bombast
The Paradigm of Reverie
The House of Pancakes
The Best of Foreigner
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
The Bourne Identity 4

Sunday, November 09, 2008

All the Small Things

Last night, Monkeyhouse Toys in Los Angeles had its opening reception for the Itty Bitty Art Show, where I had 10 pieces on display.

Everyone's been asking me how my itty bitty opening was, and let's just say it's awfully sore 'cause there were so many people crammed into it (I hear porn stars charge double for that kinda action).

Sometimes I think the only reason I do art is so I can make awful "opening" double entendres, but in any case, the reception continually drew a revolving crowd for the three hours I was there. It was actually so packed that you'll have a better chance seeing things up close now that the reception is over.

Bigger than itty-bitty thanks go out to everyone who attended, and if you didn't make it out, you can still check out the exhibit through November 30th.

Here's all nine of my robot paintings grouped together. Each one is 2" x 2" and they should still be available for adoption if you'd like to own one.
From left to right, top to bottom: TV-bot, Aqua-bot, Thought-bot, Toasty-bot, Love-bot, Danger-bot, UFO-bot, Fight-bot and Buzz-bot.

All nine of my robots teamed up to battle "Li'l 'Zilla," which is the tenth painting I contributed to the show. The rough version is shown below:
This was painted on aluminum, and I taped off skyscraper shapes before priming. You can see the finished painting in the post immediately before this, or you can see it by clicking here.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Itty Bitty Art Show

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like you all to gather at the spectacle that is my itty-bitty opening. Wait, look, I'm simultaneously flattered, insulted and somewhat scared of you now, but I'm actually talking about a reception next Saturday for an art show I'm participating in.

If you're in L.A. next week, please visit Monkeyhouse Toys to see the Itty Bitty Art Show, featuring over 100 artists who've created teeny weenie paintings, as well as teeny paintings that aren't of weenies. All of the works on display will be smaller than 9"x12".

I've contributed 10 paintings, including the three featured here. I'll post the rest after the grand -- yet tiny -- opening.

At last check, my stuff is the smallest, but that's not really something to brag about.

"Love-Bot" and "Danger-Bot"
Acrylic on 2"x2" canvas, shown in actual size.
There are seven other robots in this series.

"Li'l 'Zilla" Acrylic on 5x7 aluminum panel

Itty Bitty Art Show opening reception
Saturday, November 8th 2008
5pm - 9pm

Monkeyhouse Toys & Art Gallery
1618 1/2 Silver Lake Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026

The art show coincides with the beginning of this season's Silver Lake Art Crawl, so it should make for a fun social event (or perhaps an awkward social event, depending on your tolerance of hipsters who look like roadies for either Weezer or Lisa Loeb).

Here's the postcard promoting the art show:
Please check out the show next Saturday, November 8th. It's the second-biggest event next week after election day! Well, unless you also have a birthday or anniversary or job interview next week, that is. OK, fine, it's just an itty-bitty event, but still.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Z End

On October 10, MillerCoors LLC stopped production on the original malternative* taste sensation. I'm speaking, of course, about Zima.

Zima entered the alcoholic beverage market at about the same time I entered the binge drinking market (Junior high! Catholic school, baby!!**), so I have some pretty fond memories of the stuff. It tasted like kind of f-ed up semi-malty 7Up, but less sweet, and since I didn't like beer very much and had a hard time pounding enough to get sozzled, Zima was sort of a lifesaver. You know, the kind of lifesaver that shortens your life and makes you a thousand times more likely to do something stupid--just ask my alcoholic whore of an ex-roommate and her alcoholic whore of a best buddy, who would, say, wake up shoeless on an unfamiliar stoop, plate of food in one hand, underpants in the other--tights strangely still in place.

It was the whores that introduced me to a Zima upgrade: adding a shot of Chambord to change the color to a pleasing raspberry, and improving the flavor quite a bit. Also, the Chambord bottle is cute. It has a crown on the top. That felt very regal. You could also flirt with the bartender, who would be held captive by your need to take a swig from the bottle before the shot was added. Besides, the second time you wake up on a stoop, you remember whose it is, and if you were tipping the bartender well all night, he or she probably stuffed a few bills into your tights for a cab home once you regained consciousness. Win-win-win. Win.

At some point, they introduced something called Zima Gold to the market. Let me tell you about Zima Gold. Zima Gold is most definitely the only drink they'll offer you in Hell. Zima Gold tastes a lot like if regular Zima peed off all its citrus tang, then got peed on by a Natty Light, then drank up all that pee, and then killed itself with a healthy dose of caramel color that also tastes like beer pee. I swear to God it's so bad, it tastes like it never gets cold. I'm probably shitting on pee by saying Zima Gold tastes like it. If it was possible to bottle the flavor of a damp-yet-sticky cigarette butt-strewn gas station bathroom in the form of an amber malternative beverage, then there would never have been a need in this world for Zima Gold. Zima Gold is so bad, I kept a bottle of it just to remind me that there really is evil in this world. This bottle of Zima Gold has moved with me at least seven times, and it's never taken any damage. Think about it. Damn. Anyway, Zima Gold did not last long in the market. It was, perhaps, an early sign that Zima might not be in it for the long haul.

I have a recipe written in my copy of Joy of Cooking for a refreshing Zima punch. This is it almost exactly, I just added clarity to the Wyler's part. There really is a smile face:
5 Zimas (64 ozish)
1/2 c sugar
1 packet Wyler's Black Cherry drink mix
Splash of juice
Add 151 @ user's discretion
Speaking of recipes, I've been secretly replacing Jason's stash of comedian-approved Sierra Mist with a concoction of Zima Citrus and Karo Syrup for about 5 years now. He drinks six 20-oz bottles a day, or more. He's probably going to have wicked DTs once the supply of Zima runs out. I wonder if Smirnoff Ice would work. Or if I can convince him to switch to lemonade...nah, he'll probably catch on to that.

They say the supply of Zima will last until about December. I guess that's MillerCoors LLC's holiday gift to malternative purists. If I can get my hands on some, I'll be sure to tip some out and say something like, "This is for my homie who will soon not be here...Zima. See you when I get there in that gangsta lean."

*Sadly, I did not make that word up. F'in marketers, am I right? They're GOOD.
**I might be slightly misrepresenting my age. A touch. You're only as old as the tail you can pull, and trust, I can pull some young-ass tail.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Green Day

Out today on DVD.

If you've ever wondered what you'd look like big, green and constipated, you can Hulkify yourself at the official movie site. In the meantime, here's what Steve looks like when you make him angry, like when I tell him Boba Fett is a wuss or say that Hobbits don't really exist.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Hope That the Light Will at Least Change

It's not even election day, but it looks like every crosswalk in L.A. wants you to vote Republican. I took this photo in front of The Standard on Sunset Boulevard...

"Push button for McCain."
I couldn't do it, so a whole hour passed before I was able to cross.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Jenni Does an About Facebook

Jason and I resisted Facebook for a long time. But then, well, we gave in. It's actually pretty nice--I've gotten back in touch with a couple of people that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. But mostly, it's stirring up all kinds of angst on my side, when I see that people have friended someone but not me or whatever.

Almost everyone I know has hundreds of friends, which is just weird. I'm only friending people I either truly like a lot, or I think can help me with something someday. Ahem. Mostly people I like, tho! ;) I'm not sure I even know of hundreds of people. Or want to.

Here's some recent drama, with all the truly horrible shit I said that also could help identify the people I said it about excised (hey, they're my friends!):

[09:02] Jenni: okay now i'm pissed
[09:02] Jenni: i see in my news feed that booboo and snuggles* are now friends
[09:02] Jenni: but that mofo won't friend me?!?!?
[09:02] Jenni: oh that's it
[09:02] Jenni: i'ma slap a bitch
[09:16] Jason: me neither. whatta dick
[09:16] Jenni: i know, right? what the hell?
[09:16] Jenni: who the fuck does he think he is?
[09:23] Jenni: ooooohhhhhh
[09:23] Jenni: i'm angry
[09:26] Jenni: he's a dead man
[09:26] Jenni: DEAD I TELL YOU

and then later...

[12:21] Jason: invitation from snooperbear*
[12:21] Jason: you get one?
[12:21] Jenni: dunno lemme check
[12:21] Jenni: how sad if that's my first invite
[12:53] Jenni: NO SNOOPERBEAR
[12:54] Jenni: he's dead to me
[12:54] Jenni: dead
[12:54] Jenni: who does he think he is, etc.
[12:54] Jenni: i can't work up rage twice in one day

This is sure to change soon, so I might as well brag about it: I have like one more friend** than Jason. Yay me! There's no popularity like virtual popularity!

The end.

*Not their real names
**As I publish this (two weeks after I started the post), Jason now has one more friend than I do. Which is the opposite of real life. Enjoy your virtual popularity, JJ! (I will have disdain for it until I'm more virtually popular than he is, and then it will be cool again.)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Widget Tossing

Introducing the Hands in the Air widget! Watch slideshows, listen to our podcasts and see our latest posts. Click "SHARE" to put it on your personal web page and spread us like the horrible sexual virus we are!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Downtownin' It

I had jury duty yesterday and I didn't try to get out of it like Chris, the diligent "know your rights, keep your rights--but fuck a civil duty, that's for losers" patriot. It gave me a chance to wander around downtown a little bit, all by meself, which was nice except for the part where it was kind of hot and sunny and I wore shoes that weren't really walkin' on city hills type shoes. The thing about downtown LA is, people who live around here don't actually ever go to downtown LA. They had some handouts in the jury room and most of them were practically begging the jurors to hang out, stay a while, and get to know the city. Kind of sad. And you know, even sadder, a lot of the jurors actually stayed in the jury room or just outside the courthouse.

Above are shots of the Bradbury Building, which you might remember from Blade Runner or the Heart video "Nothing at All." It's smaller than I thought it would be, but very pretty. It was built in like 1893 which is crazy. I guess my favorite part was the historic Subway restaurant inside.

I also visited the Grand Central Market which is a farmer's market and also a place with lots of cheap but it seemed to me pretty shitty food. But there was a terrific Mexican bakery that just made me crazy with its delicious smells. I had to buy one thing, which is pictured. It was yumulous.

There was this awesome drug store that had an actual pharmacy thing but was mostly crazy-ass Santeria shit. Candles, statues, potions, powdered shit like eye of newt or whatever, wolf bones and I don't even know what else. Hispanics is nuts. I wanted to take more pictures inside but I thought they would curse me.

I wanted to go to the jewelry district but I ran out of time. I did pop over to where I parked, at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, to get a delicious French lemonade and a photo. And you know what's great about a metal building at lunchtime? All the sweet California sunshine bouncing off of it, making the air a good 30 feet away nice n'toasty. Also, bright. Awesome.

That's all, really. Yay LA!

P.S. Sorry for the not that great pics, my iPhone isn't the bestest.

Man, this was sort of boring. Too late now, tho.