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Monday, March 27, 2006

Hassled by the 'Hoff

Former Knight Rider and Baywatch star David Hasselhoff sure could use one of those red buoys to bail himself out of the deep trouble he's recently sunken into. With domestic violence claims surrounding him, Hasselhoff's estranged wife Pamela Bach alleges that Dave "grabbed me and pushed me hard into a car."

According to the aforementioned car, however, Bach's claim is untrue. In an exclusive interview, the car has corroborated the Hoff's denial. "David would never hit anyone into my chassis, because he is nothing but... yeeee-haaaaaw," asserted K.I.T.T. while shifting into Turbo Boost. Three seconds and 200 miles per hour later, K.I.T.T. continued, "That's not how David is. You get to know a guy pretty well after he's sat in your bucket seat for a few years."

Artist's rendition of Hasselhoff not being violent

But K.I.T.T. may not be a reliable witness. After his quick rise to stardom in the '80s, K.I.T.T.'s career quickly stalled with the cancellation of Hasselhoff's series, Knight Rider. After several failed attempts to get back into TV (most recently spending all of Season 2 of VH1's The Surreal Life locked in the garage after Vanilla Ice lost the car keys in the swimming pool), K.I.T.T. resorted to selling himself on the streets, renting himself out for "joyrides." K.I.T.T.'s downward spiral eventually led to several questionable appearances on the cover of "Lowrider" and other magazines that feature hoochies squatting on car hoods.

Could K.I.T.T.'s claims be a desperate ploy for attention? Possibly. His statements were carefully timed for his TV comeback as the midseason love interest in Jake in Progress starring Full House's John Stamos, but, sadly, that show was canceled a little too soon.

"This is no publicity stunt," K.I.T.T. asserted as he engaged Stealth Mode. "Oh, crap," he added while dousing his windshield with super high-tech Windex. "I'm like totally late for my appearance at the county fair. Gotta pay the bills. Gas ain't cheap, y'know."

Saturday, March 25, 2006

True Tales from Our Podcast: Chapter 1

Ass Assault at Disneyland
The following comic is the first in an ongoing series of dramatizations of stories ripped straight from our podcasts. This true tale is from Podcast Episode 002 and tells of Jason getting violated at Disneyland...

Hear about this story and other tales in our Hands in the Air podcasts. Search for them at the iTunes Music Store and subscribe for free now!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Lovin' the Flavor

You know I loved me some Flavor of Love. Well, y'all, yesterday on the local NBC affiliate there was a story about Pumkin (the one who kinda looked like a younger, tinier Brigitte Nielsen) getting fired from her job as a SoCal substitute teacher because she was a distraction. The official dude they got a sound bite from said that kids were missing class or something to sneak a look at her. That's pretty funny, but do kids really watch VH1? Either way, you can read more 'bout it 'bout it at the New York Post.

Pumkin reportedly said that it's okay that they fired her, 'cause her real aim is to make it in the entertainment industry. Oh, girl, of course that's your goal. I can totally see you as "drunk girl #4" in a background scene on a procedural, maybe one of the CSIs or Law and Orders--keep reaching for the stars, lady!

Unfortunately for all involved, the NBC affiliate didn't get Pumkin herself on camera--it's bad enough they made me sit through almost 30 minutes of news before getting to the Pumkin story, they could have at least gotten Pumkin on the phone, something, damn. She's on MySpace (click her name above to read her page), anyone can find her pretty easily.

Pumkin has been on Blind Date, Next, Street Smarts and a bazillion other reality and game shows. How awesome would it be as a student to have your sub walk in and suddenly you realize she was the one who spit on some crazy bitch on VH1? I never really thought about it this way, but in an area filled with entertainment industry hopefuls (guilty!) it's not unusual to work with/go to school with/live next to/get your coffee from aspiring actors, writers, directors, singers, whatever, so it's not really that nutso for some kids to have the crazy white chick from Flavor of Love as their sub.

I can't wait for the Flavor of Love reunion special, which airs...well, I don't know when it airs. It was supposed to be this weekend, two weeks after the finale, but that's not happening. Maybe April 2 at 8 pm? In the meantime, I'm busying myself reading the ladies' MySpace accounts (this hilarious blog post helpfully lists the "Ladies of Flavor" in its sidebar, and is great readin' to boot) and hoping that this isn't the last time Flavor's ladies Pumkin, Hottie, New York and especially Goldie will be on TV.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Podcast Episode #004: Down the Toilet

Our fourth podcast is ready to offend your ears. Search for it at the iTunes Music Store and subscribe now!

Clockwise from the top-left: The disembodied heads of Chris, Steve, Jason and Jenni

A grubby toilet has some cash in it. How much green would have to be in there before you fished it out of the brown? Flush out the gang's price and other news. Yuck!

Snakes on a Plane in a Blog

This summer, Samuel L. Jackson will be reprising his patented bad-ass character to star in the appropriately named action flick, Snakes on a Plane. Maybe the studios thought that calling it "Snakes on a Plane with Samuel L. Jackson" would be a bit too cryptic.

Caption for picture of Snakes on a Plane in a blog

At any rate, Snakes on a Plane is destined to be the snake movie to end all snake movies, so much so that Anaconda will merely be remembered as only "Snakes in the Jungle." Now, who'd want to see something with a silly title like that? Especially when Snakes on a Plane will be the movie that will feature an original soundtrack song penned by a lucky contest winner!

TagWorld and New Line are promoting a songwriting contest, and the winning reptilian rave-up will be featured in the movie. But don't be thinking that you have a chance at winning the coveted spot on the Snakes on a Plane CD -- we've already come up with some song names for the contest. Sure, we haven't come up with the pesky Music for the Songs bit, but that part should be pretty easy considering the pure genius of the song titles listed below.

Snake Song on a Soundtrack
Shed Your Skin in My Mile-High Club

Why Is My Carry-On Rattling?

Ready to Strike (Once the Captain Has Turned Off the Fasten Seatbelts Light)

Suck the Venom Outta Me

Feeling Constricted in Coach

Slip That Anaconda in My Cockpit

Shake Your Asp in First Class

Another Reason Not to Fly Southwest
Carry-On, My Wayward Snake

Peanut Allergy (The Cobra Song)

Special thanks to Deitri for tipping us off on this snake-tastic contest!

Assy Hair on Kid Actors 2006

Kid actors' assy hair has always fascinated me. So often it's nothing like the hair you see on normal kids, yet these kids are still chosen for gigs on shows perhaps as an example of what kids should aspire to on an image level. Girl kid actors usually have normal, if boring hair. If it's straight, then it's long and it usually, but not always, features bangs. Or it's long and curly, usually without bangs but occasionally with. Not a big deal. But boy kid actors--wow.

In the past, the boy kid actor assy hairdo of choice was bowl cut. While the bowl cut still appears to be a hair choice stage parents are willing to make for their children, no matter how many ass-kickings it will get them those couple days a week when they go to regular school, it has been overtaken by the edgier, and in its own way even worse, totally overgrown bowl cut. Clearly the overgrown bowl is a natural evolution of the normal bowl cut, wherein the kid actor, no doubt egged on by his manager, his mommy, and the weird guy who does his headshots thinks, "Man, bowl haircuts are for losers--I'ma grow this bitch OUT baby, then I'll look f'n sweet and they'll have to cast me in that commercial about seat belt safety." (Take a look at Dylan and Cole Sprouse's website to see the evolution from bowl to overgrown bowl in action.)

But now, if you watch your Chuck E. Cheese's commercials, your stupid toy commercials--basically, if you tune in to Cartoon Network during the daylight hours--you'll see a new assy haircut burning up the boy kid actor charts: the poofy boy 'fro. (Click on the pic above for a closer look at this incredible hair look.)

This one's been in the making for a coupla years now--check out the movie Holes, you'll see both young leads sporting versions of this hairdo. In fact, they're probably to blame for the entire thing. And now, this look is everywhere, and I'm sure it's giving normal kids ideas. I think boy actors are even getting perms to make it happen for them, 'cause there's this one commercial for some type of car toy or whatever and this kid's poofy boy 'fro looks totally manufactured, reliant on at least half a can of hairspray and a body wave. I can't remember the product being pushed 'cause all I can think about is the kid's hair. It haunts me. It keeps me up at night. It dances circles around my head, taunting me, laughing at my inability to accept that some kid actor cultivated this look for himself, possibly at some personal expense and risk of bodily harm on the playground.

Stick with Hands In the Air for continuing coverage of Assy Hair on Kid Actors 2006 and other important issues.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Questionable Product #312

Obviously, this candy bar is marketed in the dirty south region of Japan

Thursday, March 16, 2006

X-Men 3 Tribute: Part One

X-Men: The Last Stand will be premiering in three months, and 20th Century Fox is promoting the third mutant movie with a series of stylishly questionable billboards and bus shelter posters that could easily be mistaken for fashion ads and/or Got Milk? promos. To commemorate the movie's upcoming release, I'll be photographing a series of toy tributes. To kick things off, here's an homage to Wolverine, mutton chops and way too much leather.

Taking a stand and
leaning against oil drums on May 26.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Coming Soon--Get It?

L.A. is home to many excellent artists and craftsmen. This sign, snapped on the world-famous Sunset Boulevard, is proof. Where to begin? Like a fine diamond, the color and clarity of this piece are simply outstanding. Who wouldn't want to purchase their spy gear and security systems (pepper spray!) from the shop "next door" to this enticing, high-tech window display? The Thai Massage coming soon, presumably to the same location? A delightfully unexpected bonus. This store is one-stop shopping for the paranoid, desperate nerd in your life. Do click the picture to savor the nuances of the sign, mere words cannot do it justice.

Heard on the NYC Streets: "That's Kegel - spelled K-E-G-E-L"

So I was walking in midtown today and as usual I heard some very strange, very random conversations. My iPod died (AGAIN) and so I was traveling sans headphones. As I was about to cross 3rd Avenue I hear a lady say, "That's Kegel -- spelled K-E-G-E-L." Of course I have to look to see what's going on right? I turn around to see a mid-50s 5-foot tall Asian lady talking to what looks to be her daughter. The older woman has that "Hey, I can talk about how squeezing my vagina muscles is good for sex at any age because I am a hippie" look and the daughter has that "I am a business woman and I can't believe that black guy in a business suit is totally looking at us talking about our vaginas" look.

Only in New York...

Monday, March 13, 2006

Good bye, Peter Tomarken

No Whammies, no Whammies, no Whammies!

Peter Tomarken
Game show host, Press Your Luck

December 7, 1942 - March 13, 2006

Sunday, March 12, 2006

What Happened to Pig's Father

Pigture by Jason

L.A. Photo Essay: Little Tokyo and Chinatown

Downtown Los Angeles, CA -- Yesterday, we spent the day in Chinatown and Little Tokyo, which normally would be a non-story unworthy of sharing. However, on this particular outing we decided to take our cameras to photograph some of the unusual sights.

Well, it's still a non-story, but now you can see for yourselves...

Available next to the Crack Gum and Crystal MethSavers Breath Mints

That's supposed to say "Flying Fish," right? Either this is a renegade restaurant that fries its sushi or Toys "R" Us had some extra R signs lying around.

The Foo Chow Restaurant boasts, "Jackie Chan's Rush Hour, a best seller movie was shot here." I hear the book was a blockbuster, too.

Window display for the Foo Chow Restaurant. Obviously, the window dresser smokes Ecstacy Cigarettes.

This is the creepy window display at the entrance of the Foo Chow Restaurant. It's a doll toting around a live chicken in a basket and a frying pan with a crab in it. For some reason, she's floating above international landmarks like the Eiffel Tower and the Sydney Opera House. Are we being led to believe that Foo Chow delivers worldwide or that their delivery drivers are all from the Village of the Damned?

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Podcast Episode #003: Urban Nachos

Our third podcast is now available at the iTunes Music Store! Search for Hands in the Air.

From left to right: Steve, Jenni, Chris & Jason

Who would you rather not see in a scandalous sex tape? This and other hard-hitting topics like Star Wars toys, nachos and profanity are tackled by the gang as they podcast straight outta N.Y. and L.A.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Yanni: Reflections of Downtown

New Age or New Rage? On Friday, March 10, new age keyboard tinkler Yanni was arrested in Florida for allegedly hitting his girlfriend. Now, domestic violence is no laughing matter, but you've gotta allegedly admit that Yanni getting taken downtown is a pretty funny thought.

Did he insist that his mugshot make him look introspective, complete with hair blowing in the wind and eyes cast downward? His rap sheet would read, "First name: Yanni. Last name: None. Eyes: Smoldering."

Guilty or not, Yanni must be a lawyer's dream. I submit to the court Exhibit A: the complete Yanni collection on CD. Would the guy responsible for such snoozers titled "Almost a Whisper," "Whispers in the Dark" and "Written in the Wind" risk his pansy mustache getting thrown in the clink? If you're capable of writing "Reason for Rainbows," could you possibly be capable of violence? Answer: Only if there was a war in unicorn town.

In his defense, Yanni issued this statement through his manager: "These allegations are cruel, false, without merit and baseless. At a more appropriate time and place, I hope and pray I will have an opportunity to address my fans and colleagues all over the world." Now, that doesn't sound like the dew-drenched dreamwoven statement I'd expect from an epic soundscaper like Yanni.

If I were his manager, I'd release a more new age statement: "Of chantilly ribbons have these allegations been made, for they are flimsy and full of holes. Upon gossamer wings shall justice soar and so shall Yanni's name be cleared like storm-beaten clouds in the wake of the sun's return. Dare to dream!" Now, that's a Yanni that should be put behind bars.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Magic 8 Ball's Oscar Results

The Oscar results are in, and it looks like our Magic 8 Ball's predictions were a bit off. The ol' ball correctly predicted that Reese would win, but the 3-way tie it foretold between Heath Ledger, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix wasn't meant to be.

The Magic 8 Ball almost chose Crash as the movie of the year, but it never would've picked that flick, since it turns out that the 8 Ball is a huge, huge fan of Brokeback Mountain.

"I wish I knew how to quit you!" "Reply hazy. Try again."

Answers to our readers' questions for the Magic 8 Ball:

kybruno1: "Do these people need to get out more?"
Magic 8 Ball: My Sources Say No

kimnrowdy: "Will New York win on "Flavor or Love"?
Magic 8 Ball: You May Rely On It

kimnrowdy: "If New York wins, will they be divorced within a year?"
Magic 8 Ball: Don't Count On It

CTU Los Angeles - Incompetence, 24 Hours a Day

I'm a really big fan of the show 24. Like, HUGE. I've seen every episode of every season. I even considered buying the videogame until I read some of the reviews. If you have also enjoyed the show, you may have noticed that Jack Bauer's co-workers at CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit), Los Angeles leave a little something to be desired when it comes to actually doing their goddamn jobs. Believe it or not, CTU really does exist and surprisingly, things are just as bad there as the show suggests. Take this memo I managed to pick up yesterday as I was strolling through. No one even asked me who I was or what I was doing there.

Click on the image to read the Top Secret CTU Memo

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Magic 8 Ball's Oscar Predictions

The Oscars are on this Sunday, so we consulted the Magic 8 Ball on the big three categories. We asked it 5 times for each nominee, and its predictions actually seem in line with prevailing opinion. Pretty spooky, considering the 8 Ball’s favorite movie of 2005 was Must Love Dogs.

Best Picture

Brokeback Mountain - 80%
, Yes, Yes, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Capote - 0%

My Sources Say No, Cannot Predict Now, Outlook Not So Good, Cannot Predict Now, Don't Count On It

Crash - 20%
Better Not Tell You Now, Ask Again Later, Concentrate and Ask Again, Yes, Very Doubtful

Good Night, and Good Luck - 60%
Without a Doubt, Outlook Good, My Sources Say No, As I See It Yes
, Better Not Tell You Now

Munich - 60%
Yes, Without a Doubt, Reply Hazy Try Again, Outlook Good, My Sources Say No

Best Actress

Judi Dench - 40%
Concentrate and Ask Again, Concentrate and Ask Again, Concentrate and Ask Again, It Is Decidedly So, It Is Certain

Felicity Huffman- 0%

Ask Again Later, Cannot Predict Now, Very Doubtful. Better Not Tell You Now, My Reply Is No

Keira Knightley - 40%

As I See It Yes, Very Doubtful, As I See It Yes, My Sources Say No, Outlook Not So Good

Charlize Theron - 20%

Cannot Predict Now, My Reply Is No, My Sources Say No, As I See It Yes, Don't Count On It

Reese Witherspoon - 60%

It Is Certain, Yes, My Sources Say No, You May Rely On It, Outlook Not So Good

Best Actor

Philip Seymour Hoffman - 60%
My Reply Is No. My Reply Is No, Most Likely, You May Rely On It, It Is Decidedly So

Terrence Howard - 40%
Better Not Tell You Now, Reply Hazy Try Again, Yes, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Heath Ledger - 60%
You May Rely On It, Without a Doubt, My Reply Is No, Concentrate and Ask Again, Most Likely

Joaquin Phoenix - 60%
Cannot Predict Now, Outlook Good, Without a Doubt, Ask Again Later, It Is Decidedly So

David Strathairn - 40%
It Is Decidedly So, Better Not Tell You Now, Don't Count On It, My Sources Say No, Signs Point to Yes

Got a question for the Magic 8 Ball? Post a comment with your Yes-or-No Question or email it to, and we'll post the answers according to our balls!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

It's Not Easy Being Green

Happy St. Patrick's Day Month
Kiss me, I'm green.
(Clockwise from top center: The Hulk with whiskey, Poison Ivy, Martian Manhunter, Kermit the Frog, Green Lantern, The Leader, Green Goblin, Green Arrow)