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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Summer Movie Tribute: Speed Racer

Part Two of our Summer Movie Tributes pays homage to Speed Racer, and I've recreated the movie's poster using Minimates.

The movie opens May 9th, and it looks nice but it could also be a total wreck. Then again, it comes from the road-tested tradition of putting apes in automotive actioners, starting with the orangutan in Every Which Way But Loose, the chimp in B.J. and the Bear and Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious.

"Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer!"
Much to the chagrin of a sexually frustrated Trixie, the theme song lyrics actually refer to how Speed always finishes first no matter where he is.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Announcing Our New Spin-Off Blog!

To coincide with the beginning of movie sequel season (the Harold & Kumar follow-up comes out today!), we're announcing our very own spin-off blog: Hands on Your Ears! This new sister site will be focused on music, and it'll be my dumping ground for my original songs and anything else having to do with aural pleasure. Check out the new blog, take a listen to some songs and see how long you can last before reaching for the mute button.

In the meantime, here are a few of the rejected sequel/spin-off names I came up with before arriving on the final blog name...

Visit Hands on Your Ears at now!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Summer Movie Tribute: Iron Man

Even though the movie I'm most excited about seeing is opening this Friday, 2008's blockbuster season is officially opening with the release of Iron Man on May 2nd. To commemorate the event -- and, what will surely be Robert Downey Jr.'s best role of the year in which he doesn't play a black guy -- I'm using toys to recreate an Iron Man movie poster along with the superhero's first-ever comic book cover.

Check back later for more toy tributes to the summer blockbusters, including nods to Speed Racer, Indiana Jones vs. the Traveling Pants (?), The Incredible Hulk, The Dark Knight and more.

Have a suggestion for an upcoming movie's poster that I should recreate? If you said Sex and the City or Kung Fu Panda, then you've been reading my diary! I'll totally be taking the day off when those movies open. So while I'm stocking up on "sick days" at work, post a comment with your suggestions for other toy tributes you'd like to see this movie season.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Fire Hos

This, apparently, is how Fire Department peeps do, y'all.

Breadsticks(?). And...Vaseline. I wonder, is that a condiment or lubricant, or both?

And what do they do with the hose and/or the extinguisher? The dalmatian?

For Fire Department use only, indeed.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Storytelling R.I.P.

Storytelling, as we knew it, is over. The very idea of telling a story has been part of the human condition since man first tamed a T-Rex and rode it around, forcing other primitive humanoids to listen to his ramblings or face the jaws of his besaddled dinosaur. Since then, it has been refined. A young, Hebrew slave in ancient Egypt invented the first setting -- "anywhere that's not a fucking desert" I believe it was. An elderly woman in Elizabethan England founded the concept of character with her invention of a sexually promiscuous grandmother who seduced teenage boys by day and fought lesbian ninja vampires by night. In 1957, an American inventor named Philip Boroughs, previously known as the creator of the horseless pony ride, invented the typical plot structure found in stories everywhere even today.

All this time, the concept of story was being crafted by our collective consciousness, smoothed like a small stone at the heart of a raging river. But now that stone is so smooth it can split atoms, because storytelling has reached its zenith!

Don't believe me? Then let me present four pieces of evidence that I have recently run across.

Exhibit A: Rock Monster

For so long now, Sci-Fi Channel movies have been knocking on the door of true greatness. House of the Dead 2 alone nearly killed all storytelling forever. I don't even need to go into the innumerable ways in which Mansquito has informed modern storytelling and reminded us all how awesome Corin Nemec is. But with Rock Monster, Sci-Fi Channel was finally able to synchronize its storytelling Swatches and create the ultimate tale of hope, loss, love and triumph.

Imagine, if you will, a simpler time, when warriors battled wizards with magical powers that looked like CG effects made by guys who went to one of those colleges you see advertised during Maury. One such warrior managed to stab one such wizard right in his one such chest and the wizard died...or did he? It might shock you to learn that, in fact, no he DID NOT. Instead, his evil wizard spirit was absorbed by the very land upon which his corpse fell and thus, the Rock Monster is born. The Rock Monster is doomed to slumber until such time as the sword that killed the wizard is disturbed.

Now tell me, have you ever in your life heard a better setup for a story? No, you have not, because it's impossible to create one. It can't be done.

Exhibit B: Dolph Lundgren's Command Performance

Dolph Lundgren has almost killed storytelling about a bazillion times almost single-handedly. Rocky IV? I Come In Peace (about, I swear to God, an alien dude that injects people with heroin and then sucks their blood -- ends with the line "But you're going in pieces!")? Universal Soldier? Masters of the motherfucking UNIVERSE? Well now, he has done it. He took the bloody corpse of storytelling from Rock Monster and is about to beat it Ivan Drago style with a film that he co-wrote, will direct and star in. Dolph plays a rock and/or roll drummer putting on a concert for the Russian President when terrorists strike, meaning it's time to beat some skins -- some HUMAN skins, and all of the sensitive organs underneath them! Jason wants someone to be impaled by a drumstick, and I concur. This is set to be the best movie about drumming since the porn version of Drumline.

Beware of the gratuitous 8-minute solo in the middle of this movie.

Exhibit C: You Later

Exhibit D: 50 Cent: Blood in the Sand

Here's how this video game's plot came to be:

Game Developer 1: Oh my God! Guys, did you see the title of the new Indiana Jones movie? Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? AWESOME!

Game Developer 2: Yeah, that shit is looking sah-weet! The only downside is Harrison Ford is looking old. It's too bad that movie couldn't star someone who's a hero for the new generation. Oh well, back to making a shitty 50 Cent video game...

Game Developer 3: Wait a minute, THAT'S IT! THAT'S FUCKING IT! We're GENIUSES!

Game Developer 1: Of course! We make a video game of the new Indiana Jones movie, but we 50 Cent-ify that bitch!

Game Developer 2: Yeah, pimp that ride, yo!

Game Developer 3: That's Xzibit.

50 Cent and his crew are staging a concert in a war-torn Middle Eastern country -- let's call it Shmiraq. After raising the roof on that bitch, the crooked Arab concert promoter tries to stiff Fiddy. Obviously Fiddy is not cool with this, so he and his crew shake this guy (I like to imagine Tony Shalhoub from Men in Black) down for a national treasure of Shmiraq, the fabled Crystal Skull. But then, get this, some other Arab guy and his crew steal the Crystal Skull from Fiddy and now it's up to our 'roid-ragin' gangsta rapper hero to get his blinged-out skull back.

"That's right, I got a video game. Your move, Kanye."

I swear to God this is real. I'm not making this up, because I'm not that talented. No one is. God couldn't have created this story, it's that good. From now on, churches will replace their Bibles or Torahs -- though probably not Korans -- with this new 50 Cent video game.

So if you were thinking of ever telling a story to anyone ever again, forget it, you're too late.

Photos by Jason. Rock Monster created by Jason's Industrial Creature Shop Light & Magic.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Keep It Under the Table

Lock up your outdoor furniture, because last week an Ohio man was arrested for having public sex with his patio table. According to witnesses (and video-taped evidence!), the furniture rapist was seen naked on his deck romancing his patio table's empty umbrella hole. I guess the man lost interest in his wife after realizing she wasn't as round and flat as he'd liked and that she couldn't double as a place for him to put his beer on.

"Hubba hubba. You're the best money I've ever spent at Z Gallerie."

Doesn't the term "table dance" usually involve a strip club and not the Lawn & Garden department of your local Home Depot? In any case, this whole story brings a lot of other questions to the table (but not in that "let me plug up that umbrella hole" sort of way):
  1. What exactly turns this guy on? Is it the IKEA Spring catalog or is it being "just the right diameter"?

  2. If the guy has a fancy candlelit dinner on the table, does that mean he then expects his table to put out?

  3. Was the table "asking for it" since it was just sitting there with its four shapely legs splayed wide open?

  4. Did it make the guy wildly jealous whenever the umbrella was actually in the table?

  5. Why didn't he bother to bring the table inside? Was he trying to impress the nearby picnic tables and park benches?
"Termites? What do you mean you have termites?!!?"

This story is way better than the pregnant man, Oprah -- just wait until the table gives birth to little lawn chairs. But if you don't snatch up this story, I hope that at the very least NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen starts trolling the chat rooms to set up a "To Catch a Table Rapist" sting.

Furniture4nic8r: so what are u wearing?
ReadyWillingAndTable: just a plaid tablecloth
Furniture4nic8r: thats hot. can ur legs fold up?
ReadyWillingAndTable: no im one of those stacking tables
Furniture4nic8r: oooh, i like seeing table-on-table action
ReadyWillingAndTable: hahaha. sounds ruff
Furniture4nic8r: u like that? i can play a real mean game of ping-pong on you
ReadyWillingAndTable: ouch. that might hurt
Furniture4nic8r: i'll be gentle. i'll use some Pledge furniture polish on you first. lemon scented
ReadyWillingAndTable: ur funny. u make me feel special like a crate & barrel dinette set

Guns Being Pried from Charlton Heston's Cold, Dead Hands

R.I.P. Charlton Heston
Actor, Gun Lover, Ape Hater
October 4, 1924 - April 5, 2008