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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Z End

On October 10, MillerCoors LLC stopped production on the original malternative* taste sensation. I'm speaking, of course, about Zima.

Zima entered the alcoholic beverage market at about the same time I entered the binge drinking market (Junior high! Catholic school, baby!!**), so I have some pretty fond memories of the stuff. It tasted like kind of f-ed up semi-malty 7Up, but less sweet, and since I didn't like beer very much and had a hard time pounding enough to get sozzled, Zima was sort of a lifesaver. You know, the kind of lifesaver that shortens your life and makes you a thousand times more likely to do something stupid--just ask my alcoholic whore of an ex-roommate and her alcoholic whore of a best buddy, who would, say, wake up shoeless on an unfamiliar stoop, plate of food in one hand, underpants in the other--tights strangely still in place.

It was the whores that introduced me to a Zima upgrade: adding a shot of Chambord to change the color to a pleasing raspberry, and improving the flavor quite a bit. Also, the Chambord bottle is cute. It has a crown on the top. That felt very regal. You could also flirt with the bartender, who would be held captive by your need to take a swig from the bottle before the shot was added. Besides, the second time you wake up on a stoop, you remember whose it is, and if you were tipping the bartender well all night, he or she probably stuffed a few bills into your tights for a cab home once you regained consciousness. Win-win-win. Win.

At some point, they introduced something called Zima Gold to the market. Let me tell you about Zima Gold. Zima Gold is most definitely the only drink they'll offer you in Hell. Zima Gold tastes a lot like if regular Zima peed off all its citrus tang, then got peed on by a Natty Light, then drank up all that pee, and then killed itself with a healthy dose of caramel color that also tastes like beer pee. I swear to God it's so bad, it tastes like it never gets cold. I'm probably shitting on pee by saying Zima Gold tastes like it. If it was possible to bottle the flavor of a damp-yet-sticky cigarette butt-strewn gas station bathroom in the form of an amber malternative beverage, then there would never have been a need in this world for Zima Gold. Zima Gold is so bad, I kept a bottle of it just to remind me that there really is evil in this world. This bottle of Zima Gold has moved with me at least seven times, and it's never taken any damage. Think about it. Damn. Anyway, Zima Gold did not last long in the market. It was, perhaps, an early sign that Zima might not be in it for the long haul.

I have a recipe written in my copy of Joy of Cooking for a refreshing Zima punch. This is it almost exactly, I just added clarity to the Wyler's part. There really is a smile face:
5 Zimas (64 ozish)
1/2 c sugar
1 packet Wyler's Black Cherry drink mix
Splash of juice
Add 151 @ user's discretion
Speaking of recipes, I've been secretly replacing Jason's stash of comedian-approved Sierra Mist with a concoction of Zima Citrus and Karo Syrup for about 5 years now. He drinks six 20-oz bottles a day, or more. He's probably going to have wicked DTs once the supply of Zima runs out. I wonder if Smirnoff Ice would work. Or if I can convince him to switch to lemonade...nah, he'll probably catch on to that.

They say the supply of Zima will last until about December. I guess that's MillerCoors LLC's holiday gift to malternative purists. If I can get my hands on some, I'll be sure to tip some out and say something like, "This is for my homie who will soon not be here...Zima. See you when I get there in that gangsta lean."

*Sadly, I did not make that word up. F'in marketers, am I right? They're GOOD.
**I might be slightly misrepresenting my age. A touch. You're only as old as the tail you can pull, and trust, I can pull some young-ass tail.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Green Day

Out today on DVD.

If you've ever wondered what you'd look like big, green and constipated, you can Hulkify yourself at the official movie site. In the meantime, here's what Steve looks like when you make him angry, like when I tell him Boba Fett is a wuss or say that Hobbits don't really exist.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I Hope That the Light Will at Least Change

It's not even election day, but it looks like every crosswalk in L.A. wants you to vote Republican. I took this photo in front of The Standard on Sunset Boulevard...

"Push button for McCain."
I couldn't do it, so a whole hour passed before I was able to cross.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Jenni Does an About Facebook

Jason and I resisted Facebook for a long time. But then, well, we gave in. It's actually pretty nice--I've gotten back in touch with a couple of people that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. But mostly, it's stirring up all kinds of angst on my side, when I see that people have friended someone but not me or whatever.

Almost everyone I know has hundreds of friends, which is just weird. I'm only friending people I either truly like a lot, or I think can help me with something someday. Ahem. Mostly people I like, tho! ;) I'm not sure I even know of hundreds of people. Or want to.

Here's some recent drama, with all the truly horrible shit I said that also could help identify the people I said it about excised (hey, they're my friends!):

[09:02] Jenni: okay now i'm pissed
[09:02] Jenni: i see in my news feed that booboo and snuggles* are now friends
[09:02] Jenni: but that mofo won't friend me?!?!?
[09:02] Jenni: oh that's it
[09:02] Jenni: i'ma slap a bitch
[09:16] Jason: me neither. whatta dick
[09:16] Jenni: i know, right? what the hell?
[09:16] Jenni: who the fuck does he think he is?
[09:23] Jenni: ooooohhhhhh
[09:23] Jenni: i'm angry
[09:26] Jenni: he's a dead man
[09:26] Jenni: DEAD I TELL YOU

and then later...

[12:21] Jason: invitation from snooperbear*
[12:21] Jason: you get one?
[12:21] Jenni: dunno lemme check
[12:21] Jenni: how sad if that's my first invite
[12:53] Jenni: NO SNOOPERBEAR
[12:54] Jenni: he's dead to me
[12:54] Jenni: dead
[12:54] Jenni: who does he think he is, etc.
[12:54] Jenni: i can't work up rage twice in one day

This is sure to change soon, so I might as well brag about it: I have like one more friend** than Jason. Yay me! There's no popularity like virtual popularity!

The end.

*Not their real names
**As I publish this (two weeks after I started the post), Jason now has one more friend than I do. Which is the opposite of real life. Enjoy your virtual popularity, JJ! (I will have disdain for it until I'm more virtually popular than he is, and then it will be cool again.)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Widget Tossing

Introducing the Hands in the Air widget! Watch slideshows, listen to our podcasts and see our latest posts. Click "SHARE" to put it on your personal web page and spread us like the horrible sexual virus we are!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Downtownin' It

I had jury duty yesterday and I didn't try to get out of it like Chris, the diligent "know your rights, keep your rights--but fuck a civil duty, that's for losers" patriot. It gave me a chance to wander around downtown a little bit, all by meself, which was nice except for the part where it was kind of hot and sunny and I wore shoes that weren't really walkin' on city hills type shoes. The thing about downtown LA is, people who live around here don't actually ever go to downtown LA. They had some handouts in the jury room and most of them were practically begging the jurors to hang out, stay a while, and get to know the city. Kind of sad. And you know, even sadder, a lot of the jurors actually stayed in the jury room or just outside the courthouse.

Above are shots of the Bradbury Building, which you might remember from Blade Runner or the Heart video "Nothing at All." It's smaller than I thought it would be, but very pretty. It was built in like 1893 which is crazy. I guess my favorite part was the historic Subway restaurant inside.

I also visited the Grand Central Market which is a farmer's market and also a place with lots of cheap but it seemed to me pretty shitty food. But there was a terrific Mexican bakery that just made me crazy with its delicious smells. I had to buy one thing, which is pictured. It was yumulous.

There was this awesome drug store that had an actual pharmacy thing but was mostly crazy-ass Santeria shit. Candles, statues, potions, powdered shit like eye of newt or whatever, wolf bones and I don't even know what else. Hispanics is nuts. I wanted to take more pictures inside but I thought they would curse me.

I wanted to go to the jewelry district but I ran out of time. I did pop over to where I parked, at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, to get a delicious French lemonade and a photo. And you know what's great about a metal building at lunchtime? All the sweet California sunshine bouncing off of it, making the air a good 30 feet away nice n'toasty. Also, bright. Awesome.

That's all, really. Yay LA!

P.S. Sorry for the not that great pics, my iPhone isn't the bestest.

Man, this was sort of boring. Too late now, tho.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Questionable Products #578 - 579

I don't normally go to Sports Chalet, but a few coworkers and I were killing time there at the mall before going back to work after an offsite lunch. In any case, based on these questionable products I found on display, I'm not sure what exactly qualifies as a "sport" at that chalet. Also, it's not really a chalet.

For the hooker on the go

Because the name, "Jackhammering Dong Sarong," was already taken

And this concludes today's immature posts aimed at entertaining 12-year-olds. Our next posts will resume our usual highbrow comedy, bitches.

Map Quest

Recently, Jenni decorated her place with a replica of the map from the movie, Time Bandits, which happens to be Jenni's favorite movie about time-traveling midgets (sorry, Michael J. Fox and Back to the Future).

Taking a cue from Jenni's impeccable decorating style, I figured that each of the members of Hands in the Air should decorate their places with maps of their favorite fantasy places...

Jenni's map"To stinking Kevin!"

Steve's map"O Elbereth! Gilthoniel!"

Chris' map"Frackin' awesome!"

Jason's map
"We're totally getting kicked off of Blogger."

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

That's So Yesterday

[14:31] Jason: oh no!
[14:31] Jason:
[14:32] Jenni: that's so gay
[14:32] Jason: that's so teeth-too-big-for-her-mouth
[14:32] Jenni: that's so dating an ugly rocker and doing him while you're still underage
[14:33] Jenni: that's so trying to prop up your ugly sister's career when really, girl, you need to worry about your own career
[14:33] Jason: that's so raise your voice
[14:34] Jenni: That's so Raven used to throw darts at your picture when she roomed with Lindsay Lohan
[14:34] Jason: that's so a doughy madden brother
[14:35] Jason: are we turning into one of those yogurt commercials right now?
[14:35] Jenni: yes. we'll be regular for weeks.
[14:35] Jason: cut & paste this. ladies & gentlemen, we have a blog post
[14:36] Jenni: wheeee

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Oh, Miley!

Today I was looking at my iGoogle page's E! Online news feed, and I saw this:

But upon further inspection, I realized the story wasn't nearly as compelling as it'd been at first glance.

Ah, well. I think probably either story has at least a bit of truth to it.