I Hope That the Light Will at Least Change

It's not even election day, but it looks like every crosswalk in L.A. wants you to vote Republican. I took this photo in front of The Standard on Sunset Boulevard...

"Push button for McCain."
I couldn't do it, so a whole hour passed before I was able to cross.

Grand Old Preggers

Teen pregnancy is totally in this year: Juno, Jamie Lynn Spears and now the daughter of John McCain's running mate. Sure, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, could've stayed 2008-trendy by simply throwing on a scarf and a pair of leggings, but getting knocked up by some hockey dude is a much, much better gimmick. And lord knows we love gimmicks, like giving your kids silly names like Bristol, Piper, Willow, Trig and Track.

Anyway, give me and Jenni a good gimmick and that equals a half hour of us wasting time at work chatting about it...

Jason (1:48:30 PM): let's do a blog post about potential names for sarah palin's daughter's baby. since all her kids have dumb names
Jenni (1:50:22 PM): ok like where we chat about it
Jenni (1:50:24 PM): or a real post
Jason (1:50:29 PM): either
Jason (1:50:33 PM): which is funnier?
Jenni (1:51:07 PM): uhh
Jenni (1:51:08 PM): dunno
Jenni (1:51:15 PM): i know which is easier, tho, bro
Jason (1:51:39 PM): which is easier, packer?
Jason (1:51:52 PM): (see that's a potential name. hoo-larious in chat)
Jenni (1:52:06 PM): chat, duh
Jenni (1:52:13 PM): chat = not a bad name for a baby
Jason (1:53:42 PM): patch, crinkle, turnip and saxophone
Jenni (1:54:35 PM): I actually like Patch. Am I a redneck?
Jenni (1:54:38 PM): Tater?
Jenni (1:54:51 PM): Hoof
Jenni (1:55:02 PM): Trailer
Jason (1:55:08 PM): trailer is good
Jenni (1:55:10 PM): Antler
Jason (1:55:34 PM): motel, fryer, anvil
Jenni (1:56:05 PM): Sunty, pronounced "Sun tea" because she really likes tea
Jenni (1:56:19 PM): made in the Alaska sun
Jason (1:56:20 PM): ooh, you doing research now?
Jenni (1:56:27 PM): no i am just making up fun facts
Jason (1:56:30 PM): nice
Jason (1:56:31 PM): frontier
Jason (1:56:37 PM): cuz alaska is the last frontier
Jason (1:56:45 PM): except for space, which is the final frontier
Jason (1:56:48 PM): so maybe "space"
Jason (1:57:02 PM): Space Palin-Hockey Guy
Jenni (1:57:36 PM): Jewno or Jookno because Juneau and also, Juno
Jenni (1:57:55 PM): and i like alternate spellings of things that don't require alternate spellings
Jenni (1:58:02 PM): that seems very northern exposure
Jenni (1:58:10 PM): ...why was that show called northern exposure
Jenni (1:58:42 PM): Jooknow, maybe, because it's like, knowledge
Jenni (1:58:47 PM): for joo
Jenni (2:00:03 PM): ...I think I just won. I don't want to call it too early, but...
Jenni (2:00:48 PM): ...Ellipsis...
Jason (2:00:48 PM): well then, to paraphrase Maury, "you are the father"
Jenni (2:01:24 PM): Remember that 90-pound toddler saying that?
Jason (2:01:53 PM): he say that to his 9-lb pork chop breakfast?
Jenni (2:02:36 PM): Chop and/or Pork would be pretty as a middle name
Jason (2:03:08 PM): totally. so would "middle"
Jason (2:03:32 PM): no wonder she keeps having kids. so many words to choose from for names
Jenni (2:03:41 PM): no it was a little chubby girl and when she hit the stage in her tasteful bike shorts and sports bra, she took one look at Maury and said "You are not the father" and then she put her hands on the sides of her face in the classic "Home Alone" style
Jenni (2:03:49 PM): and Maury lost his shit, as did I
Jason (2:04:01 PM): oh, right! now i 'member
Jenni (2:04:27 PM): I think it's nice when people really go for an odd name
Jenni (2:05:03 PM): If I ever get to name a baby by myself, it's on
Jenni (2:05:28 PM): Shinola
Jenni (2:05:56 PM): is it a boy or a girl, do you know
Jenni (2:06:03 PM): because Shinola is more on the girl tip
Jason (2:06:03 PM): don't think they know
Jenni (2:06:28 PM): Lubridor
Jason (2:06:45 PM): i think they just found out about the baby yesterday, just like the republican party did
Jason (2:06:54 PM): til then she just thought bristol was getting tubby
Jenni (2:07:21 PM): I hope that's true
Jason (2:07:43 PM): sometimes a government probe is the best pregnancy test
Jenni (2:08:05 PM): I think the '80s were the best time for hiding a teen pregnancy because there were a lot of oversized clothes then and sweatshits were still ok for everyday wear
Jason (2:08:14 PM): also, a good government probe can get you preggers, if you know what i mean
Jenni (2:08:19 PM): oh i know
Jason (2:08:58 PM): yes, the '80s must've been a good time to get knocked up
Jenni (2:09:04 PM): dude totally
Jason (2:09:11 PM): the entire "facts of life" cast was giving birth left and right, but no one suspected a thing
Jason (2:09:14 PM): not even mrs. garrett
Jason (2:09:26 PM): christ, we have our post right here
Jenni (2:09:32 PM): Mrs. Garret knew, she was making them breed for profit
Jason (2:09:34 PM): cut & paste this fucker
Jason (2:10:12 PM): this is comedy gold
Jenni (2:10:16 PM): truly
Jason (2:10:23 PM): now i know how dane cook feels after he takes a shit
Jenni (2:10:26 PM): pants will be wet, you have my word
Jason (2:11:14 PM): "pants will be wet" is my favorite Paul Thomas Anderson movie
Jason (2:11:31 PM): "i drink your milkshake... from your pants"
Jenni (2:11:39 PM): Hands in the Air: The Leader in Pants Soaking Since 2006
Jason (2:12:01 PM): this is gonna be a long post, cuz we don't know how to turn off the comedy
Jenni (2:12:20 PM): And that is why my pants budget is so out of control
Jason (2:12:31 PM): now i know how carlos mencia feels when he wakes up
Jenni (2:13:04 PM): Carlos Mencia is a bedwetter?
Jason (2:13:38 PM): if his dreams were as funny as what he thinks up when he's awake
Jenni (2:14:10 PM): And...scene!
Jason (2:14:20 PM): his jokes are like refugees rafting thru his pee-puddled bed
Jason (2:14:24 PM): damn, missed the cutoff

The Phrase That Pays

If you’ve been paying attention to the news at all over the past few months, you’ve probably heard the current administration using a familiar phrase to describe their current strategy for the war in Iraq—“stay the course.” You have to admit, it’s catchy in that folksy, “Dear Abby” rip-off style that suits our current President. I kind of see him as Dr. Phil without all of that sensitivity crap. So imagine my utter disappointment in hearing via White House Press Secretary Tony Snow that “stay the course” was out. Now there is a gaping hole in the administration’s catchphrase offense, and I wouldn’t be such a diligent patriot if I didn’t help fill it.


Part of the problem, as stated by Tony Snow recently was that the phrase “stay the course” connoted rigidity in the face of an obviously complex and fluid situation such as the war in Iraq, which certainly doesn’t represent this White House accurately. I also think that the beloved catchphrase simply played itself out. It’s like an old standby from one of your favorite bands that they have to play at every concert. Sure, the first few times Boston plays “More Than a Feeling” it’s awesome, but once you see it live a few dozen times, it starts to wear a little thin. It was time for a catchphrase enema, and the administration knew it.

Now catchphrases are kind of like Middle Eastern dictators in that, when you take one out, you need to replace it with something quickly or else there’s a power vacuum and your whole lexicon will devolve into a civil war of words and sectarian violence of semantics, things this White House is clearly not willing to let happen. So far all their best and brightest have managed to come up with is “cut and run” which, don’t get me wrong is killer, but that’s really only good for the midterm elections and misrepresenting the platform of many of their political opponents. There’s a need for something more positive and upbeat, something that defines all of the hard work and dedication this administration is putting into their sterling performance of the war. Now, I’ve given this a lot of thought, at least a full five minutes, and here is what I’ve come up with:

Iraq: “Tough it out and give 110%”

This isn’t a guaranteed slam-dunk by any means. There’s a lot of focus group testing and polling to be done, but here’s why I think this is a winner.

First, you get not just one down-home cliché, but two! It’s double the vapid country wisdom in one shot, which should give it some legs. Second, it applies easily to sports, which Americans love, unless we’re talking about soccer. Third, it gets the word “tough” in there right away, because that’s what this President is. “Tough it out” does admit that there’s a struggle, but we’re persevering and overcoming. “Give 110%” shows that we’re not just slugging it out in a stand-off or lollygagging, we’re giving our all and then some. And since we all know that terrorists and insurgents are lazy bastards, they can’t be giving more than 60 or 70%, which means victory is inevitable as soon as someone defines what “victory” is.

So don’t be surprised if, in the next few weeks when those liberal fags in the White House Press Corps ask Tony Snow what the President plans to do about the probably worsening situation in Iraq, he looks them dead in the eye and says, “the President and our armed forces are going to tough it out and give 110%.” Suck on that Helen Thomas, you pinko.

All right, I hate to cut and run on this blog post, but I need to come up with a new name for KFC’s delicious, but shittily named “Famous Bowls.” As for a new catchphrase for the President, mission accomplished.


Freedom photos by Jenni

Daily Show to Democracy: "Suck it!"

Jon Stewart hates democracy!

I love attention-grabbing, sensationalist bullshit like that because when all I've got is a shitty blog post full of ill-conceived ideas and half-assed statistical studies, I need some crazy shit like that to make me seem important. It's what I'm good at, and apparently I'm not the only one.

"Excellent. With biting sarcasm like this, democracy doesn't stand a chance! Muwahahaha!"

Forgive me for just stumbling on this now--for some of you it may be old news from over a month ago, but I missed this little nugget of column tomfoolery back in late June. Needless to say, I don't spend a lot of time reading The Washington Post's website because I find real, grown-up news boring and sorely lacking in the brand of hilarious "infotainment" that my generation so desperately craves.

I am bound, nay FORCED to reluctantly agree with everything that this column has to say. I've been watching The Daily Show since before the "with Jon Stewart" was tacked on, which made me a rather strange teenager, but whatever. Back then I can remember my youthful optimism, my bushy-tailed exuberance and zest for life. I was gonna go out and grab the world by the tail and drag it home in the back pocket of my OshKosh B'Goshes and give it noogies until it was changed to reflect all of the things I believed in like truth, justice, equality and half-days on Friday. But the years have not been kind. That doe-eyed innocent has morphed into a cynical, curmudgeonly husk of his former self and now I know why--the goddamn Daily Show!

Jon Stewart, you sonofabitch, with your Emmy-winning comedy/social commentary, have turned my world of rainbows and lollipops into a dismal realm of dimwitted politicians and corporate greed and bungled war efforts. A thousand curses upon you and your staff for showing me the foibles of our imperfect government and cleverly exposing the ridiculousness that is inherent in most of our political process. You have raped my childhood and skull-fucked my innocence, you rat bastard.

No wonder I don't want to vote anymore or be a part of the process. It has nothing to do with the fact that the two dominant political parties in this country have moved so far to the extremes of their bases that no sane person could genuinely support either of them wholeheartedly. It has nothing to do with the fact that corporations and lobbies weigh far more on the minds of our representatives than the welfare of their constituents. It has absolutely nothing to do with the constant stream of bullshit "issues" that are cooked up every election year to distract people from actual problems, because God forbid we actually fix social security, the budget, the war, education or any of that stuff. We need tighter restrictions on those damned videogames that Satan codes in a sweatshop of lost souls in the sixth circle of Hell!

The Dark Lord admires his greatest creation since Rock and Roll

And what's most disturbing of all is that, despite what a cynical bastard Stewart's show has made me, I can't stop watching. I need to get my news from somewhere, don't I? I mean, I would watch network news but they're too busy covering breaking stories like eating a lot of fast food makes you fat and the Internet is full of lonely, perverted sickos who want to violate you/your children/your pets. And the networks aren't so great at getting their messages across. I mean, half of the country STILL believes that Saddam had WMDs prior to the invasion of Iraq! That's like half the country believing that 2+2 = 5 or that gravity is optional or that Paris Hilton is not a slut--it's something that all credible evidence says is completely untrue.

So what are my options? I can either continue to watch Jon Stewart destructively, although wittily destroy democracy by disenfranchising my generation and showing me that the people in power care as much about me and mine as I do about them and theirs, or I could watch and read what passes for "real" journalism these days in which hundreds of media outlets tell me how bad things are and then chastise me in op-ed pieces for not doing anything either then or now while completely ignoring their own complicit silence in the past.

All cynical sarcasm aside, I do believe that The Daily Show demonstrates for its audience of impressionable youths and politically minded people with funny bones the startling truth that no, not many people in power give two shits about them outside of a potential vote. If you passionately care about a real issue, chances are nobody's going to raise it on the floor of any democratic body that matters. The voice of the people isn't heard much on Capitol Hill. Now some, like the guy who wrote that column, see that lesson as defeating democracy--grinding people down--and yeah, some of them might just give up on the whole mess. I can certainly understand the temptation. But I see it as a lesson in self-reliance and an impetus for change. If you really care, you can't just sit on your couch and expect things to happen the way you want to because the people in Washington certainly aren't going to get it done for you.

If you really want your voice heard, you need to say something.

Snarky, cynical images courtesy of Jason

Vega$ or Bu$t!

Viva Las Vegas, baby! It's Sin City--a place of neon lights and broken dreams and things that are illegal in 48 other states. Who could possibly not like Las Vegas? Why that would have to be someone who doesn't love self-expression, or fun, or dare I say it--good, ol' fashioned, red-blooded American Freedom(TM)! Basically, if you don't love Las Vegas you might as well be washing Osama's balls because you're a filthy terrorist.

And that grim reality is something that videogame developer/publisher Ubisoft is set to explore with their game Rainbow Six: Vegas. Terrorists have seized The Strip with their fun-hating--covering wholesome American strippers in burkhas and stealing buckets of quarters from our senior citizens who desperately need to win their retirement money. That's when Team Rainbow, a tactical assault unit, goes to work putting holes into bad people, usually in their vital organs. Sounds like a classic American ass-kicking in the vein of a Michael Bay film. Hells yeah, sign me up!

"Head shot, head shot... lemon! @#$!!!"

But what's this? Who hates fun as much as terrorists? Oh right, politicians. It seems like old fashioned American ass-kicking may be in trouble because of old fashioned American election year politics. In a desperate attempt to prove he does something, Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has spoken out against the latest Rainbow Six game saying, "It could be harmful economically, and it may be something that's not entitled to free speech (protection)," and adding "It's based on a false premise."

Well, I have to admit, he's got a point--a FICTIONAL videogame is indeed not based in FACT. I'm glad Mr. Goodman was able to point that out to everyone, because I was confused. Here are some reasons that I've stayed away from Vegas in the past, that are all apparently bullshit:

• Three casinos were robbed simultaneously by a ragtag group of charming rogues in a splendid caper. This happened twice--once in the '60s and then again a couple of years ago. Strangely enough the jobs were very similar.

• A giant plane full of some of the worst convicts in our prison system crashed into the Hard Rock and destroyed a bunch of The Strip. I never did trust that Malkovich guy.

• The Stratosphere exploded. Apparently they've fixed it. (This happened in the movie Domino, which I haven’t seen because even I can't stomach enough Tony Scott-esque camera tomfoolery to get through it).

• People turn up dead there a lot, often with bizarre circumstances surrounding their deaths, and only a bunch of people with infrared goggles can crack the case. Usually the case involves a) Furries, b) Dwarves, c) you later, and/or 4) bestiality.

• The Mob runs a bunch of Vegas casinos. (Oh wait, that one's real.)

• A crazy scientist accidentally enlarged his toddler to massive proportions. He trashed The Strip and was calmed only by a giant version of his mommy. He's still in therapy. Rick Moranis' career has yet to recover.

• Martians trashed the city and only Annette Bening, the fabulous Tom Jones, some bitch named Janice Rivera and Jim Brown were badass enough to escape. Jack Nicholson and Danny DeVito were killed--poor bastards. I hear they've gotten better.

So, you see, there's room for a little bit of that accursed Fiction in our lives, even if it is in a virtual form. So give us a break Mr. Mayor. I know that the voters are restless and you all spend a lot of money convincing people that it's okay to have fun as long as you're gambling away your life savings or spending your kids' college fund on strippers and indiscriminate sex with strangers, but somehow I believe that your marketing campaign can sustain the fallout from a simple videogame.

Photos by Ja$on.