Three Things That Are Outta Control

1. The new, awful Indiana Jones movie
2. The Jonas Brothers
3. The Jonas Brothers' eyebrows

Rest in Motherfucking Peace, George Carlin

George Carlin, the comedian famous for his filthy 1970s monologue, "The Seven Words You Can't Say on Television" has just sucked the throbbing, cum-gurgling, cunt-busting cock of the grim fucking reaper. Sure, nowadays you can say most of those seven words on TV thanks to series like Poonlighting, Twat's Happening? and CSI: Fistfuck, but let's not piss on Carlin's parade 'cause he's fucking dead, asshole. Shit, show some fucking respect, cocksuckers.*

George Carlin
Comedian, Potty Mouth, Rufus in the Bill & Ted movies
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

*I apologize for my use of harsh language in this post, because I usually don't use this much profanity unless I'm talking about work. Also, I totally forgot to use the word "tits." Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Happy Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th slasher Jason tries to slice bread.

R.I.P. Bo Diddley

I was all ready to write some sort of stirring and respectful tribute to Bo Diddley, but it turns out that I was mixing him up with B. B. King, who's totally not dead right now. About all I know about this guy is that he has a cool name and I bet it'd look really awesome on his headstone. So much for me being stirring and respectful.

Bo Diddley
Rock and Roll Legend
December 30, 1928 - June 2, 2008

Nature Photography

I'm away from L.A. and vacationing in Seattle right now, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to take a break from our loyal blog fans who are in desperate need of something stoopid to look at while they're slacking off at work. Plus, I can spend only so much time with the fam before I go totally nuts, so I decided to venture out into the woods in my parents' backyard to photograph the local wildlife...

Summer Movie Tribute: Indiana Jones

It was like a million degrees this weekend in L.A., and how did I decide to spend an hour of my Sunday? Burning up in our un-air-conditioned darkroom taking photos of a Lego Indiana Jones just so you can enjoy this next toy tribute to the biggest movie of the summer.

Indiana Jones and the Chronicles of the Traveling Pants opens this Thursday... here's hoping I'll be rehydrated by then.

Special effects have a come a long way since Indy had to flee
from a giant tape ball in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Spoiler Alert: Turns out Indy ends up finding the crystal skull here at his local mall. He also picks up a crystal swan figurine, a crystal dolphin pendant and a rather stylish watch.

What if H.G. Wells Lived in the Swingin' '70s?

Yeah, see, I was going to work on a clever title for this post but thanks to the topic of this post, I don't have to. Standards, they are a-changin'. We don't need to try anymore! The good times are here, writers (and by writers I mean everyone--hell, we all can write something, am I right?!?! Can you sign an "X" on a piece of paper? Great! You can be a screenwriter!) because any damn thing you wanna slap together is good enough for a movie, so it's sure as hell good enough for some bullshit blog post.

I'm speaking, of course, about the groundbreaking, world-changing future epic, Hot Tub Time Machine.

Yes, that's right, Hot Tub Time Machine. If you can be bothered, do read the article I linked, it's short--and it sounds like a joke, doesn't it? I mean, even more so than just the name itself, that is. All right you lazy bastards, here's the best part:

"We're always looking for ways to stand out from the rest of the pack in today's crowded marketplace, and what better way than to combine hot tub debauchery and the complications of time travel," said MGM executive vice president production Cale Boyter.

Fuck yeah, Cale Boyter. I likes the way you thinks. What better way to stand out, indeed. I'm guessing the complications of time travel make it hard to keep the water at a perfect 100 degrees, and my God, what it must do to the jets! Uh-oh, somebody lost their shorts in the 16th century! What to do?!?!? I know! Beer run...just don't set it to 1920s America again, kids! That was sure a bust last time!!!

So now that I know even a writer of Hands in the Air caliber has a shot at putting together some optionable movie ideas, I went ahead and knocked some out.


Going back to the Wells

Strip Club War of the Worlds
"I hear Martians are butterfaces--but the lap dances are f'in worth it, bro."

The Funtime Sexy Island of Dr. Moreau
"The bitches on that island are animals, bro."

Coed Naked Invisible Man
"If I wasn't naked, you'd see my clothes and then I couldn't spy on you when you shower, bro."


Swinggity Swung

Key Party Space Station
"In space, no one can hear you cream (all over that alien's hot wife while he's bangin' somebody else's wife)."

Waterbed Worm Hole
"He got it up on the wrong side of the bed--make that the wrong side of the galaxy!"


Summer Fun

Swimming Pool Death Ray
"Welcome to our ool--you'll notice there's no "p" in it, but there is a motherfucking* death ray! So don't piss in our pool!"

Tropical Drinks 'n' Clones
"I ordered a double."




*Not very PG-13 but remember when there were big cuss words and boobs in PG movies? That time will come again. Or the opposite. I ain't no future teller, bro.

A Fascinating Slice of Tissue History

When we moved into our new crib in Burbank, our landlords already had some things in place, like curtains, toilet paper, a very odd painting in the half-bath/closet (yeah, we have a half-bath/closet) and this box of Kleenex, which was in the full bath that is not a closet, but does share a wall with the half-bath/closet.

I kind of casually glanced at it, and thought "Do they still use that pattern for their boxes?" but didn't really think that much of it until I went to move it, and realized I had a relic on my hands. This thing is, uh, older than all of us! Well, it could be--which means it's plenty older than Steve (who must be a teenager because I don't look a day over twenty-six).

How does a box of tissue stay in someone's possession for over 30 years? I'm afraid to use one of the tissues but they look okay. It's possible they'll crumble to dust if one is used but Jason's pretty sure my mom used one when she came to visit (I'd put it in the storage/laundry room for safekeeping, and yes, half of the rooms in our joint have at least two names--have I mentioned the photo/darkroom/ministorage area?) but we don't know for sure.

Tissues used to be cheap, y'all. I price-checked Kleenex, they're $2.50-$3.50 for a 200-count box on Drugstore.com.

And how 'bout this Bonsai offer? It's how I know approximately how old these tissues are, the date on which the offer expires.

Surely there are Kleenex collectors on Ebay who would pay big for green tissues in a near-mint foil box. I think our fortunes are made.

Summer Movie Tribute: Speed Racer

Part Two of our Summer Movie Tributes pays homage to Speed Racer, and I've recreated the movie's poster using Minimates.

The movie opens May 9th, and it looks nice but it could also be a total wreck. Then again, it comes from the road-tested tradition of putting apes in automotive actioners, starting with the orangutan in Every Which Way But Loose, the chimp in B.J. and the Bear and Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious.

"Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer!"
Much to the chagrin of a sexually frustrated Trixie, the theme song lyrics actually refer to how Speed always finishes first no matter where he is.

Announcing Our New Spin-Off Blog!

To coincide with the beginning of movie sequel season (the Harold & Kumar follow-up comes out today!), we're announcing our very own spin-off blog: Hands on Your Ears! This new sister site will be focused on music, and it'll be my dumping ground for my original songs and anything else having to do with aural pleasure. Check out the new blog, take a listen to some songs and see how long you can last before reaching for the mute button.

In the meantime, here are a few of the rejected sequel/spin-off names I came up with before arriving on the final blog name...


Visit Hands on Your Ears at www.handsonyourears.blogspot.com now!

Summer Movie Tribute: Iron Man

Even though the movie I'm most excited about seeing is opening this Friday, 2008's blockbuster season is officially opening with the release of Iron Man on May 2nd. To commemorate the event -- and, what will surely be Robert Downey Jr.'s best role of the year in which he doesn't play a black guy -- I'm using toys to recreate an Iron Man movie poster along with the superhero's first-ever comic book cover.





Check back later for more toy tributes to the summer blockbusters, including nods to Speed Racer, Indiana Jones vs. the Traveling Pants (?), The Incredible Hulk, The Dark Knight and more.

Have a suggestion for an upcoming movie's poster that I should recreate? If you said Sex and the City or Kung Fu Panda, then you've been reading my diary! I'll totally be taking the day off when those movies open. So while I'm stocking up on "sick days" at work, post a comment with your suggestions for other toy tributes you'd like to see this movie season.

Fire Hos

This, apparently, is how Fire Department peeps do, y'all.

Breadsticks(?). And...Vaseline. I wonder, is that a condiment or lubricant, or both?

And what do they do with the hose and/or the extinguisher? The dalmatian?

For Fire Department use only, indeed.

Storytelling R.I.P.

Storytelling, as we knew it, is over. The very idea of telling a story has been part of the human condition since man first tamed a T-Rex and rode it around, forcing other primitive humanoids to listen to his ramblings or face the jaws of his besaddled dinosaur. Since then, it has been refined. A young, Hebrew slave in ancient Egypt invented the first setting -- "anywhere that's not a fucking desert" I believe it was. An elderly woman in Elizabethan England founded the concept of character with her invention of a sexually promiscuous grandmother who seduced teenage boys by day and fought lesbian ninja vampires by night. In 1957, an American inventor named Philip Boroughs, previously known as the creator of the horseless pony ride, invented the typical plot structure found in stories everywhere even today.

All this time, the concept of story was being crafted by our collective consciousness, smoothed like a small stone at the heart of a raging river. But now that stone is so smooth it can split atoms, because storytelling has reached its zenith!

Don't believe me? Then let me present four pieces of evidence that I have recently run across.


Exhibit A: Rock Monster


For so long now, Sci-Fi Channel movies have been knocking on the door of true greatness. House of the Dead 2 alone nearly killed all storytelling forever. I don't even need to go into the innumerable ways in which Mansquito has informed modern storytelling and reminded us all how awesome Corin Nemec is. But with Rock Monster, Sci-Fi Channel was finally able to synchronize its storytelling Swatches and create the ultimate tale of hope, loss, love and triumph.

Imagine, if you will, a simpler time, when warriors battled wizards with magical powers that looked like CG effects made by guys who went to one of those colleges you see advertised during Maury. One such warrior managed to stab one such wizard right in his one such chest and the wizard died...or did he? It might shock you to learn that, in fact, no he DID NOT. Instead, his evil wizard spirit was absorbed by the very land upon which his corpse fell and thus, the Rock Monster is born. The Rock Monster is doomed to slumber until such time as the sword that killed the wizard is disturbed.

Now tell me, have you ever in your life heard a better setup for a story? No, you have not, because it's impossible to create one. It can't be done.


Exhibit B: Dolph Lundgren's Command Performance

Dolph Lundgren has almost killed storytelling about a bazillion times almost single-handedly. Rocky IV? I Come In Peace (about, I swear to God, an alien dude that injects people with heroin and then sucks their blood -- ends with the line "But you're going in pieces!")? Universal Soldier? Masters of the motherfucking UNIVERSE? Well now, he has done it. He took the bloody corpse of storytelling from Rock Monster and is about to beat it Ivan Drago style with a film that he co-wrote, will direct and star in. Dolph plays a rock and/or roll drummer putting on a concert for the Russian President when terrorists strike, meaning it's time to beat some skins -- some HUMAN skins, and all of the sensitive organs underneath them! Jason wants someone to be impaled by a drumstick, and I concur. This is set to be the best movie about drumming since the porn version of Drumline.

Beware of the gratuitous 8-minute solo in the middle of this movie.

Exhibit C: You Later


Exhibit D: 50 Cent: Blood in the Sand

Here's how this video game's plot came to be:

Game Developer 1: Oh my God! Guys, did you see the title of the new Indiana Jones movie? Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? AWESOME!

Game Developer 2: Yeah, that shit is looking sah-weet! The only downside is Harrison Ford is looking old. It's too bad that movie couldn't star someone who's a hero for the new generation. Oh well, back to making a shitty 50 Cent video game...

Game Developer 3: Wait a minute, THAT'S IT! THAT'S FUCKING IT! We're GENIUSES!

Game Developer 1: Of course! We make a video game of the new Indiana Jones movie, but we 50 Cent-ify that bitch!

Game Developer 2: Yeah, pimp that ride, yo!

Game Developer 3: That's Xzibit.

50 Cent and his crew are staging a concert in a war-torn Middle Eastern country -- let's call it Shmiraq. After raising the roof on that bitch, the crooked Arab concert promoter tries to stiff Fiddy. Obviously Fiddy is not cool with this, so he and his crew shake this guy (I like to imagine Tony Shalhoub from Men in Black) down for a national treasure of Shmiraq, the fabled Crystal Skull. But then, get this, some other Arab guy and his crew steal the Crystal Skull from Fiddy and now it's up to our 'roid-ragin' gangsta rapper hero to get his blinged-out skull back.

"That's right, I got a video game. Your move, Kanye."

I swear to God this is real. I'm not making this up, because I'm not that talented. No one is. God couldn't have created this story, it's that good. From now on, churches will replace their Bibles or Torahs -- though probably not Korans -- with this new 50 Cent video game.


So if you were thinking of ever telling a story to anyone ever again, forget it, you're too late.


Photos by Jason. Rock Monster created by Jason's Industrial Creature Shop Light & Magic.

Keep It Under the Table

Lock up your outdoor furniture, because last week an Ohio man was arrested for having public sex with his patio table. According to witnesses (and video-taped evidence!), the furniture rapist was seen naked on his deck romancing his patio table's empty umbrella hole. I guess the man lost interest in his wife after realizing she wasn't as round and flat as he'd liked and that she couldn't double as a place for him to put his beer on.

"Hubba hubba. You're the best money I've ever spent at Z Gallerie."

Doesn't the term "table dance" usually involve a strip club and not the Lawn & Garden department of your local Home Depot? In any case, this whole story brings a lot of other questions to the table (but not in that "let me plug up that umbrella hole" sort of way):

1. What exactly turns this guy on? Is it the IKEA Spring catalog or is it being "just the right diameter"?
   
   
2. If the guy has a fancy candlelit dinner on the table, does that mean he then expects his table to put out?
   
   
3. Was the table "asking for it" since it was just sitting there with its four shapely legs splayed wide open?
   
   
4. Did it make the guy wildly jealous whenever the umbrella was actually in the table?
   
   
5. Why didn't he bother to bring the table inside? Was he trying to impress the nearby picnic tables and park benches?
   

"Termites? What do you mean you have termites?!!?"

This story is way better than the pregnant man, Oprah -- just wait until the table gives birth to little lawn chairs. But if you don't snatch up this story, I hope that at the very least NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen starts trolling the chat rooms to set up a "To Catch a Table Rapist" sting.

Furniture4nic8r: so what are u wearing?
ReadyWillingAndTable: just a plaid tablecloth
Furniture4nic8r: thats hot. can ur legs fold up?
ReadyWillingAndTable: no im one of those stacking tables
Furniture4nic8r: oooh, i like seeing table-on-table action
ReadyWillingAndTable: hahaha. sounds ruff
Furniture4nic8r: u like that? i can play a real mean game of ping-pong on you
ReadyWillingAndTable: ouch. that might hurt
Furniture4nic8r: i'll be gentle. i'll use some Pledge furniture polish on you first. lemon scented
ReadyWillingAndTable: ur funny. u make me feel special like a crate & barrel dinette set

Guns Being Pried from Charlton Heston's Cold, Dead Hands

R.I.P. Charlton Heston
Actor, Gun Lover, Ape Hater
October 4, 1924 - April 5, 2008

Free Credit Report dot com SAVES

Free Credit Report dot com is basically your savior. No, really. You will learn so much from their ads, which will save you from three hugely bad situations.

There are three commercials--one with a sobering story of working at a pirate-themed seafood restaurant, one with a sad saga of marriage gone wrong, and one with a tale of car-buying woe. I think the car one is really getting its swerve on at the moment, that's the one I see the most nowadays, tho I hear the restaurant one on the radio a fair bit. I think the marriage one was just too real, you hardly ever see that one and I ain't never heared it on the radio.

So here's what I've learned from each one:


Pirate Seafood

• You will end up in a job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score.
• You will have to wear clothes you don't like at the job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score. Those clothes will be quite unlike the clothes you would dress in for the job you actually want.
  
• A hacker can cause you to serve chowder and iced tea wearing clothes you don't like at the job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score. (Yummy, but sad. Have you seen the faces of people working at Red Lobster? One time, back when they still did Crabby Mondays or whatever it was called when they did all-you-can-eat crab legs, as I was going to the bathroom to barf so I could cram more crab down my throat, one of the servers begged me to kill him because he hated serving seafood so much, as any sane person would. So I suffocated him with crab legs barf and topped him off with some Cheddar Bay Biscuits to make sure his airway stayed blocked. Then I ate 20 more pounds of crab legs. I got a trophy.)
• Hackers can steal your identity, which involves both your credit score and also I think they must take your resume, too, and then they get the high-powered job you were supposed to get and you get the shitty seafood restaurant job they were supposed to get. Goddamn, hackers is good. They steal your fly threads, too, the ones you would have worn but for the chowder-stained pirate costume.
• To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad job
  

Car Woe

• Free is spelled "F-R-E-E."
• You can be so unaware of your credit and ability to pay for a car that you can believe you belong in a convertible, SUV or stretch Hummer on your pirate seafood restaurant salary plus tips when in reality, all you can afford is a subcompact POS.*
• Knowing your credit score can magically prevent you from getting a POS car. This one's more implied than stated but I can kind of read the lead singer's mind and that's what he's thinking.
• To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad car and will also teach you a fun mnemonic so you never forget how to spell "Free."
  

Marriage Gone Wrong

• You should thoroughly investigate your "dream girl." Chances are her credit is shit and if so, it will impair your ability to get a house.
• Bitches default on credit cards and that is all it takes to ruin you both forever, resulting in your living in her parents' basement.
• Many women, particularly "dream girls," are bad with money, and since that's all that matters, you're better off being a bachelor, and then you can suddenly afford a house with a yard and a dog. Because you couldn't just get a house with only your credit unless you were single. Yeah, sure, you can't even get a car loan, but a house loan, no prob. Plenty of closet space for your pirate outfit and that stupid bitch can wash it for you. The dog, not the dream girl, you're kicking that whore to the curb.
• To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad marriage.

I dunno about you, but I can't wait for Free Credit Report dot com's future lessons. I mean, I don't know what else important is actually left, but I bet they do. Like, knowing your credit score couldn't have anything to do with avoiding AIDS or saving the environment...or could it? We'll just have to wait to find out.



*My Dad sells cars and actually, this one is supertrue. People are idiots.

Mario Art

Welcome to the very first Hands in the Air art exhibit! This month, we've taken a break from being completely hoolarious, adorable and bad-ass to create something we hear the mascara-wearing emo kids and granola-lovin' hippies like to call "art." Good thing February is the shortest month, because we can take in only so much frou-frou culture before falling back on our hoolariously adorable bad-ass ways. Plus, the paint fumes were really getting to me.

For our first exhibit, we were "commissioned" to fill a room with art based on Nintendo's Mario games...

"Mario Babies"
By Steve
Ink and crayon (11" x 15")

"Goomba"
By Jenni
Felt and thread (15" x 18")

"Luma"
By Jenni
Pastel (11" x 15")


"Lakitu"
By Jason
Watercolor and ink (11" x 15")

Nine paintings by Jason

"Bombette"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Bullet Bill"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Boo"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Watt"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Mario"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Sidestepper"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Chain Chomp"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Shy Guy"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Tumble"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Commenter of the Month" status goes to the first person who can correctly identify one game for each of these characters.

Liveblogging the Oscars 2008

Once again I am keeping this post in chronological order due to laziness and the fact that we didn't tell anyone that we were doing this. Besides, I am putting times on so you can figure out what's what.

5:26: Yeah so I didn't feel like bothering with the pre-show. I mostly didn't watch it, because it was super boring and sucky.

Tho Regis did just call Javier Bardem "Xavier Bardem" so that was pretty good.

5:30 This is a kind of awful...no, really awful opening. A CG Hollywood with a truck driving thru it, and all types of characters from movies appearing on the streets. The effects don't work for me, and really, neither does the concept. Apparently our governor drives the UPS-style truck that delivers the statuettes. That part, 100% accurate. It's weird when Hollywood lets a little reality enter into the fantasy.

5:33 Jon Stewart makes the obligatory comments about the strike. Out of respect for the writers, I'll strike any comments I have about all this.

5:38 Oh Diablo Cody, way to pay tribute to your stripper past via your Oscar dress.

5:39 Did there really have to be an opening monologue? Couldn't they have taken a pass on it this year due to time constraints?

5:40 Okay, that was actually a good joke about female and Black presidents signifying it's the future in movies.

5:42 I like seeing the sketches for costume design. I LOVE seeing the crazy getups the costume designers often put themselves in. My, but costume designers are unique souls. The lady who did Elizabeth: The Golden Age wins.

Is this bit o' Oscar history (for some reason I started typing "Shitory") with Barbara Streisand is a glimpse of what would have been? Or is it really just 'cause it's the 80th anniversary? Yes to both? I actually like the shitory uh history stuff. Why do I keep typing that? What's wrong with me?

5:48 I like the touch of glimmer in George Clooney's suit.

5:51 The new media joke was cute enough and was that iPhone deal a product placement or whut?

5:53 Well I guess that Get Smart move will be AWESOME just look at the chemistry between Carell and Hathaway! Ratatouille wins Animated Feature.

5:57 Too much blush Katherine Heigl! And when presenting a Makeup award! No wonder you were nervous. The peeps from La Vie En Rose win.

6:08 The Visual Effects category presented by Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock, Motherfuckers, I'm a Serious Actor Now" Johnson. The dudes who worked on The Golden Compass win.

6:11 There's really nothing bitchy to say about Art Direction. It's weird, you know, for any movie with any type of budget, I have to feel sorry for the artists who do things like Art Direction, makeup, really everything except direction, writing and acting, because they generally do a good job and then it's in support of a movie like Thirteen Ghosts or some shit. It's got to be kind of shitty to be them sometimes, all that work for what is truly just a big pile of crap. Anyway, the peeps for Sweeney Todd win.

6:15 Supporting Actor. I love the smug look you sometimes get from actors when they cut back to them after showing a clip of their performance during these damn things. How about that look from Philip Seymour Hoffman, like they just listed off the number of starving AIDS babies and grandmothers he saved with the power of his fucking mind instead of just showing some shitty scene from Charlie Wilson's War. I bet he thought he was acting all humble and shit.

Javier Bardem wins. I bet whoever has to transcribe the acceptance speeches is saying "Fuck You Javier Bardem, this is no country for giving a speech in Spanish" right about now. Aww.

6:23 Ahh, so I guess all these history things were gonna be the bulk of the show had the strike continued. Glad that's cleared up.

6:28 Somehow this movie August Rush completely slipped by me. I can't say I feel too bad about that.

6:28 (but later) Brave Owen Wilson presents the Live Action Short Film category. Brave because there are a lot of foreign names and whatev, but also becuz he tried to kill himself or something but he still gets up there and does it, man, he's doin' his thing. Some dude with some movie about Le Mozart des Pickpockets wins.

6:32 Animated Short Film...is it me or is there a Peter and the Wolf thing like every few years? I feel that's true with nothing to back it up. It wins, anyway.

6:35 Best Supporting Actress. What the hell kind of reaction was Ruby Dee giving there after her clip played? She looked, as the British say, "gobsmacked." Or something. Tilda Swinton wins. There are a lot of one-armed dresses in effect this year. Hers is very scary and frumptacular. Her speech is pretty good tho, with the Batman suit joke and whatev. Also, she is so extra white. Amazingly, brilliantly white. Skeery.

6:46 You know who isn't hot? James McAvoy. You know who else? Josh Brolin. I am LOVING these images of most of the nominees typing to show that they were writing the scripts for Adapted Screenplay. Joel and Ethan Coen win.

6:51 John Travolta says "Hither to this point." Which, I mean, who talks like that? And then someone, I don't know who, says "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you" which is one of my least favorite things that people say. I really hate that.

6:53 Miley Cyrus!!! For the kids in the heezy!! You know she just legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus (from Destiny Hope Cyrus). The "Ray" is a tribute to her daddy. Or whatever. You know what's a better tribute to your daddy? Keeping the fucking name he gave you.

Note to self: change name.

7:03 The Bourne Ultimatum peoples win for Best Sound Editing. Rad ponytail, sound editor dude!

7:05 Look! Sound Mixers at work! My GOD that's fascinating! They like, look really intense into space and you can tell they're thinking and really working, man, and then they push things on a board and then they look at each other to say, "Well mixed, my friend. Well mixed." Different Bourne Ultimatum peoples win this one.

7:10 Are people still wearing AIDS ribbons, Julie Christie? Just asking. Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress.

7:18 Wii product placement? Colin Farrell glides onstage like the graceful Irish pixie he is to introduce Irishy song stuff.

7:23 Is anyone else tired of Jack Nicholson or is it just me?

7:30 The Bourne Ultimatum dude wins for Editing.

7:42 Those at least partially Irish peeps win for the song from Once. I missed a couple of awards, I think. Suck it up. I have a life, you know. Stop riding my ass, geez. Go here to see a full list o' stuff: Oscar.com

7:57 That's nice that Jon Stewart let the Once chick finish her thank-yous.

8:00 Dude for There Will Be Blood wins for Cinematography. Hey, if they wanted me to know their names they'd be better looking and would do something important, like speak lines other people write.

8:09 Original Score: Atonement dude wins.

8:13 The nominees for Documentary Short are trying to act like it's an honor for these soldiers to be presenting their award but inside they are seething. Seething! They wanted at least a Jonah Hill or a Marlee Matlin. Me, I think nobodies awarding to, well, nobodies is kinda appropriate. And now they see Tom Hanks--Tom FUCKING OSCAR WINNER Hanks is giving the full-length documentaries their award. Well, not cool. Taxi to the Dark Side wins for Documentary. (Freeheld won Documentary Short.)

8:25 Diablo Cody wins for writing Juno. I am not so sure if that is a good thing for her career or not. Is it ok to hate her? I forget. I mean not that I hate her, why would I hate her? I love strippers, I love screenwriters, I love brunettes, I love ladies with tattoos of ladies.

I hate her.

Oh just kidding, I'm only jealous. Insanely jealous. I'm jealous of a lot of people. I think that's a sin. Or something.

8:35 Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor. His haircut wins Best Piece of Shit Haircut on a Man Who Can Afford a Good Fucking Haircut.

8:44 Joel and Ethan Coen win Best Director(s). I added the (s). They seem like fun dudes. I hate them, too. Just kidding. (See above, 8:25.)

8:46 No Country for Old Men wins Best Picture. That's nice.

So that's it really. Another Oscars over, thank goodness those nasty writers came to their senses so it wasn't all ruined and shit. Writers are so mean, that's the take home message this year.

Happy Valentine's Day

So it's Valentine's Day, and if you're anything like me, then you're sitting at home alone watching The Notebook with tears in your eyes, pain in your heart and whiskey on your breath. Or maybe not. In any case, to cheer my single self up, I've created some special Valentines to share with the people I love the most -- those entertainment-starved saps who read our blog. Happy VD!

(Be sure to check out my Valentine posts from last year, too.)

Happy Chinese New Year

The Year of the Rat

Liveblogging The American Gladiators Semifinals Round 1

As fans of fine culture, we've been watching the all-new, all-awesome American Gladiators