What's the Sitch?

Last month, I got the opportunity to design the Dancing with the Stars team shirt for Jersey Shore's The Situation and his pro partner Karina Smirnoff.

True story: There were once motion lines by the fist pump 

image inside the crest, but they had to be removed

because it looked  like the fist was pumping...

um, never mind.

Now, it's an honor that I got to design the shirt in the first place, but all my hard work of emulating Ed Hardy paid off like a tattoo of a flaming tiger fighting a dragon in a koi fish pond on sale at the merch table at Criss Angel show. I don't even think that last sentence made sense, but the point is that my work was validated because The Situation himself liked the shirt enough to wear it in public and it was featured on TMZ. The only thing that could make it better would be if TMZ cut to that blond surfer dude in their office and he said something cluelessly profound about it all.

The shirt I designed is now part of the "L" in The Situation's GTL regime!

Free Lindsay!

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced today to 90 days in jail for violating her probation. She claims, "I did the best I could," but I think she already used that excuse defending why Labor Pains premiered on cable instead of in theaters. (Watch the trailer for the movie release in Spain here! It's so much better en Español!)

So while the internet started out this morning buzzing about the Double Rainbow Dude, the pot o' gold ended up being that we're safe from the possibility of an I Know Who Killed Me sequel (I Still Know Who Killed Me, Too... Again) for at least 90 days.

And of course, violating probation is no joke, but it's worth a couple of insensitive tweets.

2007 in Review

There are mere hours before we have to retire our Hilary Duff calendar for the year, so it's a good time for me to blog poetic on 2007's best and worst...


Best Comedies of 2007
Pregnancy movies: Knocked Up and Juno, though I actually consider pregnancy movies to be of the horror genre.

Best Semi Truck vs. Fighter Jet Scene in a Movie
Live Free or Die Hard. Strangely enough, it wasn't any scene in Transformers.

Worst Timing Award

• The release of Things We Lost in the Fire just before the California wildfires began
• Lynn Spears trying to publish her book on parenting

Guilty-Pleasure Pop CDs of the Year

• Dignity by Hilary Duff
• We Are the Pipettes by The Pipettes
• Headstrong by Ashley Tisdale
  (But NOT the new album by her fellow High School Musical costar Vanessa Hudgens. Well... I'm not a fan of V-Hud's music album, at least. Her personal photo album, though, is an altogether separate matter.)

Restaurant Jingle of the Year
The Outback Steakhouse song ("Let's go Outback tonight...")
I can't get that damn song outta my head. It's based on "Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games" by Of Montreal, but I actually like the digeridoo'd up version better.

Worst Restaurant Name
Pastagina.
I thought this was a symptom of a really bad yeast infection, but I guess it's just a poorly named Italian joint. But did they really need to use a triangle of spaghetti as their logo?

Other restaurant names to avoid: anything ending in "-esticles," "-lamydia" or "-airy nutsack." Also anything rhyming with "Schmapplebee's."

Best Pregnancies
5. Halle Berry
4. Jennifer Lopez
3. Christina Aguilera
2. Jessica Alba
1. Jamie Lynn Spears

Jessica Alba would've topped the charts if I had posted this in early December, but I ended up waiting. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears didn't end up waiting. Good thing for this list.


Top Celebrity Jail Sentences
5. Michelle Rodriguez
4. Keifer Sutherland
3. Lindsay Lohan
2. Nicole Richie
1. Paris Hilton

Paris wins for the blazing the trail and serving all the extra days that her other debutards didn't. Turns out that Lindsay's 84-minute jail term was longer than her movie I Know Who Killed Me lasted in theaters. I guess "overcrowding" wasn't the case in those theaters.

News Flash: Rich Baby Has Fat Feet!

In an exclusive Father's Day interview in the current issue of gossip rag OK! Magazine, new daddy Larry Birkhead vividly describes how baby Dannielynn looks exactly like her late mom, Anna Nicole Smith.

According to OK!, Birkhead says Dannielynn has "chubby little toes exactly like Anna's." He also goes out on a limb to say that the tot has Anna's legs and lips and that she pouts just like her, too. The baby also has two eyes and a little nose and other baby-like baby features that babies are known to have during babyhood.

As featured in OK! Magazine, the publication that's
proud to shout "We're 'Mediocre!'"

So is Larry saying that Dannielynn is exactly like Anna or is he really trying to say that Anna was exactly like a big, fat baby? I guess pointing out Dannielynn's resemblance to Anna Nicole is a bit more tactful than flat-out saying the baby looks like a giant sack of money in a diaper.

Celebrities Under the Influence

While tabloid TV shows like Extra are preoccupied with reporting that Anna Nicole is still dead, the real juicy gossip from this past weekend involves celebs and the bottle.

First, David Hasselhoff was shown drunk, on the floor and struggling to eat a hamburger in a videotape more publicly shameful than his appearance in Nick Fury: Agent of Shield.

Talking to a car was the first that hint the 'Hoff had a problem.

The next big bit o' weekend wino gossip is that Ty Pennington, host of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and designer of Sears towels, got busted on suspicion of drunk driving.

What's really noteworthy about the story (besides the fact that Sears reportedly touts "designer" towels) is that the scandal is just begging to be made over with home improvement puns... Ty got hammered! He was drinking a screwdriver! The cops nailed him! He applied some stucco and a faux patina to age up rumpus room! OK, so they're not all winners, but you can at least be guaranteed that if he ends up serving time, his cell will have sweetest racecar bed and beachfront mural in the county. If only Paris Hilton were so handy.

Ty one on!