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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Someday, This Minority Woman Will Have the Hots for Young Dudes

I got this unfortunately worded postcard in the mail today from my university. My old alma mater happens to have a cougar for a mascot. Also, my old alma mater doesn't happen to be DeVry or the University of Phoenix. I just happen to be real good at gun repair and paralegalese.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Million Dollar Maybe

The publicity-seeking porn producers at Vivid Entertainment have rather generously offered one-woman baby mill Nadya Suleman up to one million dollars to appear in one of their movies, and stuff like health insurance (and, one assumes, regular AIDS testing) if she will agree to join their stable of "contract girls."

Because we want to help, too, but don't have a million bones to throw at octomom (tho Jason and Steve have at least two) we decided to put together eight potential names for her movie(s), and eight things she'll probably have to do to get the full payout of up to a million bucks. We're pretty sure she's not getting the whole million for having a single quickie with the pizza delivery boy while her babies cry in the background.


Million-Dollar Movie Names
  1. Cocktomom
  2. 8 Milf
  3. Oh Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby
  4. Nadya Gets Screwed Eight Ways to Sunday
  5. Milf Eight Times
  6. IVF: In-Vag-o Fuckilization
  7. Eight More Inside Nadya
  8. Eight Isn't Enough...In My Ass


Million-Dollar Porn Stunts
  1. Octuple penetration
  2. Breast-feeding a dude dressed up like a big baby
  3. Pulling at least an eight-man train
  4. Pleasuring someone with her stretch marks
  5. Appearing to do it with an actual octopus, for some live-action hentai fun
  6. Not swallowing or spitting after eight guys, then snowballing with the last one, at which point it's actually a snowman
  7. Lesbian encounter (every porn has one, it's sort of the law at this point)
  8. Letting them fill eight holes at once, and if she don't got eight holes, she better get eight holes
*This was a three-way Hands in the Air joint. Jason had the idea, Steve and I had separately been making jokes about it earlier in the day, and I wrote this up, taking everyone's suggestions. However, the truly filthy stuff was probably me. I made Steve want to throw up, that's how I know I did a good job.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Attention, Cyberstalkers: Jason's Next Art Show

Dear Cyberstalkers,
I'm participating in BoredLA.com's upcoming art show, "Underwater Is Where the Action Is." The opening reception is Saturday, March 7th from 7pm to 11pm at the Ragazzi Room in L.A.

There will be live music, a DJ, food, drinks and some live art demos. Basically, it'll be a very public event, so it's not ideal for abducting me if you're that sort of cyberstalker. Also, if you happen to be that sort of cyberstalker who wants to kidnap me, I'm actually gonna be somewhere else that night so maybe look for me across town or something.

If you're not a cyberstalker or if you're a harmless cyberstalker, please check out the art show. Otherwise, thanks in advance for not raping me.

Sincerely,
- Jason

Monday, February 02, 2009

Bale Privilege

Esteemed actor and Batman-about-town Christian Bale had a bit of a bad day on set while shooting Terminator: Salvation, and ripped into the Director of Photography or an Associate Director--well, someone named Bruce got tore the fuck up. Hopefully you've had the pleasure of listening to Mister Christian's rant, but if not, you really owe it to yourself to take a listen. And kudos to the creator of this clip for setting it to a pic of Bale's character from American Psycho.



The man knows his way around the word "fuck," and I likes me a man who knows his way around the word "fuck." For serious, I want Christian Bale to be my new best friend, which I said today to Jason, my actual best friend, as I listened to this.

Now from the small amount I know about show bidness, show bidness people, and the like, I have to deduce that this type of fuckstorm is all too common, they just don't usually let the sound guys capture it and it tends not to get out because of Hollywood magic and shit. Also, from all accounts, Christian Bale seems like maybe he has a touch of a temper.

With that in mind, here are some select things Christian Bale has probably screamed at members of the cast and crew from past productions he's been involved in. See if you can guess the flicks!

"Larry, you fucking twat. I specifically asked for half-and-half, not non-dairy creamer. Be a fucking professional for once in your life. Next time this happens, I'll shove a Batarang so far up your ass, you'll taste The Joker's greasepaint."

"Fuckass ball mittens, are you fucking kidding me with this fucknugget asshole-ass line reading, Winona? Have some respect for your fucking craft. You really are a very small woman, with an even smaller talent."

"I'm going to skullfuck the next fucking cockknocker who asks me what the fucking dragon's motivation is. Do I have to prepare for everyone? It's a fucking dragon, even I'm not that fucking method."

"Who the fuck do I have to blow around here to get a fucking newsboy cap that doesn't make me melon look like a bleeding ballsack?"

The 2nd Scariest Thing with the Initials "VD"

Happy Valentine's Day! That dreaded holiday is coming up in two weeks, so I've lovingly created some Heart Day cards for you to give to your honey-wunny or that special person you've had your high-powered binoculars set on.

You can check out our previous Valentine's Day cards and posts by clicking here.