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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Of Course I Had to Discover This the Day AFTER Christmas

Now, you're gonna have to wait a full year for the perfect gift.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas is the Best

It just is. Christmas is everything a holiday should be. Food and presents. Drinking. Parties and treats, even at work. Vacation. Bitchin'-ass TV specials. Special home decorations, inside and out. Its own cookies. Its own sweaters. Its own trees. When you got your own sweaters and trees, you done hit the big time.

People who say they don't like Christmas are usually lying. They like it fine, maybe even too much. They know deep down inside they don't deserve anything as awesome as Christmas.

Well, whatever, you say. I like Halloween. You would. Halloween is the ugly dude you had to talk to while your beautiful older sister made out with his smokin' hot cousin. Halloween is at least partly about dressing up as someone or something else. It's the holiday for people who don't like themselves very much. What's that, now? Chicks get all tarted up and drink themselves stupid on Halloween? Perhaps, but those of us with jobs and/or friends know that that shit also happens at places called nightclubs and bars, several times a week. What about free candy? Well, if you need your candy fun-sized and free, you're a child, and it's OK you're stupid.

Thanksgiving, though. What about Thanksgiving? Football, parades, turkey and pie? What are you even doing here? How can you read this? Are you using a speech-to-text app? I'll give you that the extra day off is amaze, but will quickly remind you that people use that day to prepare for Christmas, so basically Thanksgiving is the spring training of Christmas season, that shit is there to get your ass in shape for when it really counts.

I would be surprised if Easter was even anyone's third-favorite holiday. Even the very Catholic are like, yeah, holiest of all days, but as a holiday in the awesome sense, that shit is whack.These colored eggs, the molesto in the bunny suit--thank you, but no. Also, fuck a Peeps. Those things are reason enough to hate any season.

The other holidays...come on. Fourth of July? The cake that looks like a flag with all the fruit on it is pretty sweet but yeah, not enough. St. Patrick's Day? Cast the snakes out of my ass. Them other ones? Are there other ones?

What was I talking about? I dunno. I'm too full of the Christmas spirit to remember. The Christmas spirit = sparkling wine and macaroni and cheese.

Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus! God bless us, every one!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Nativity Scenes

'Tis the season to enjoy my nativity scene, which is based on extensive theological research conducted on Wikipedia or cobbled together from what I've learned from cartoons. All I know is that Obi-Wan was one of the wisemen and Santa is Baby Jesus's godfather.

Sanrio Grande

It's the 50th anniversary of Hello Kitty's company Sanrio, so last month, we visited Sanrio's Small Gift expo, which featured carnival games, a gift shop, mini golf, food trucks, an arcade, an art show and more cuteness than you could shake a stick that has googly eyes and rosy cheeks at (see, everything in the Sanrio world has a face). Anyway, this post is a month overdue, but it took us that long to recover from our cute overload. Seriously, stop staring at me, hamburger!

Check out our picture blowout after the jump.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Counting Hos

Woman- (and apparently everything else-) eater Adam Duritz has let another too-hot-for-his-dreadlocked-ass woman slip through his sausagelike fingers. Jenni and Jason, ever tasteful, discuss.

[15:24] Jenni: who will he bang next?!?!?  Adam Duritz and Emmy Rossum break up.
[15:24] Jason: hahahaa. that could be a good post
[15:25] Jason: i'll say someone from gossip girl
[15:25] Jenni: might be too old
[15:25] Jenni: oh yeah maybe the one
[15:26] Jenni: who is still underage
[15:26] Jenni: has a band
[15:26] Jason: totally
[15:26] Jenni: taylor momsen
[15:26] Jason: what do chicks like about him? the dreads?
[15:26] Jason: cuz he's just a fat guy
[15:26] Jenni: i have NO IDEA
[15:26] Jenni: it freaks me the fuck out
[15:27] Jason: must the singer/songwriter thing
[15:27] Jenni: but like, if i ever could have respected jennifer aniston or courteney cox, i can't now
[15:27] Jason: like, if john mayer looked like that, his life would still be the same
[15:27] Jenni: you know?
[15:27] Jenni: i dunno about that
[15:28] Jason: wait, she met him through twitter
[15:28] Jenni: mayer pulls in more tail per pound and square inch
[15:28] Jason: he must've sex-tweeted her
[15:28] Jenni: his looks help
[15:28] Jason: twit-twatted
[15:28] Jason: twittilated
[15:28] Jenni: gross
[15:29] Jason: @adamduritz: "It's a long December. You know what else is long, Emmy?"
[15:30] Jason: @adamduritz: "Forget Mr. Jones, meet Mr. Johnson"
[15:30] Jason: @adamduritz: "i'll bang you 8 ways to Sunday and August and everything after"
[15:31] Jason: @adamduritz: "i want you round here. [i'm pointing to my dreadlocked junk]"
[15:31] Jenni: hahahaha
[15:31] Jenni: someone is writing a blog post
[15:31] Jason: done
[15:31] Jason: cut & paste it

Monday, November 15, 2010

Cuntry Strong

[09:16] Jenni: good news, Gwyneth got a standing ovation from country folks

[09:18] Jason: my god, what can't she do?
[09:18] Jenni: EXAC
[09:18] Jason: she needs to duet with chris martin
[09:18] Jenni: oh shit yes she does
[09:19] Jason: i want to work for the Gwyneth Paltrow Network when it debuts on cable
[09:19] Jason: or GoopTV
[09:20] Jenni: amen to that brother
[09:20] Jason: i'm coining the phrase "goopies" for the fans who hang out at her concerts hoping to get backstage
[09:20] Jenni: i'm a goopie
[09:20] Jenni: i want to be covered in goop from head to toe
[09:21] Jenni: then give a standing o
[09:21] Jason: if you have an o while standing, doesn't the goop just spill out onto the floor?
[09:23] Jenni: yes so i guess i got it backward, i'll give goop a standing o but i'll be underneath and then i'll be covered in goop goop from head to toe
[09:23] Jenni: if i do it right
[09:23] Jason: a standing paltr-o
[09:25] Jason: copy & paste this. we have a new blog entry
[09:26] Jenni: sho nuff

Poorly Placed Price Tag #48

I think this might be the prequel to Iron Man.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Tricks and Treats

In celebration of Halloween, here's a roundup of past photos suitable for the season of the witch. Or, you can smell our feet.

Too Soon Theatre: Episode 1

Monday, October 04, 2010

A Pubic Service Announcement

Introducing Barnes & Noble's all-new, self-publishing platform, PubIt! Now, playing publisher all by yourself is one thing, but it's always a good idea to have an editor. Like one who might've steered Sir Shia LaBarnes & Dr. Shecky Noble* away from choosing a horrible name like "PubIt!" because:

1) Shouldn't "PubIt!" rhyme with "cubit"?

2) PubIt? I barely know it!

*I didn't have an editor to fact-check who these "Barnes & Noble" characters really are.

PubIt! may be the most poorly chosen commercial name since the Italian eating hole, Pastagina.

What ever happened to Pastagina? I heard it was good for eating out.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

R.I.P. Stephen J. Cannell

It's a sad time for TV fans, and I'm not referring to the fact that Outsourced and $#*! My Dad Says premiered the other week (no one has any business airing a Twitter-based TV show until there's a sexy Hands in the Air anthology series on Cinemax After Dark, by the way).

Stephen J. Cannell
TV Producer, Creator, Writer
February 5, 1941 - September 30, 2010

Anyway, the real tragedy is that TV producer extraordinaire Stephen J. Cannell passed away last Thursday. He's the televisionary who created such beloved series as The A-Team, 21 Jump Street, The Greatest American Hero, The Rockford Files, Silk Stalkings, Hardcastle and McCormick and just about every other cool '80s and early '90s show that served as counter-programming to Mr. Belvedere and Charles in Charge.

He at least got to live to see the theatrical version of The A-Team this past summer, or at least he'll never see the day when Riptide is turned into a movie.

What's the Sitch?

Last month, I got the opportunity to design the Dancing with the Stars team shirt for Jersey Shore's The Situation and his pro partner Karina Smirnoff.

True story: There were once motion lines by the fist pump 
image inside the crest, but they had to be removed
because it looked  like the fist was pumping...
um, never mind.

Now, it's an honor that I got to design the shirt in the first place, but all my hard work of emulating Ed Hardy paid off like a tattoo of a flaming tiger fighting a dragon in a koi fish pond on sale at the merch table at Criss Angel show. I don't even think that last sentence made sense, but the point is that my work was validated because The Situation himself liked the shirt enough to wear it in public and it was featured on TMZ. The only thing that could make it better would be if TMZ cut to that blond surfer dude in their office and he said something cluelessly profound about it all.

The shirt I designed is now part of the "L" in The Situation's GTL regime!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

CSI: My Hammy

I am liveblogging like a tree in the forest that is falling but nobody gives a shit, therefore it doesn't make a sound. And doesn't fall? This tree ain't doing shit. Love, Jenni.


(assume if it's not been attributed to anyone, Jenni did it)

We don't watch CSI: Original Flava, and we don't know what the HELL is going on.

But you know what will get us watchin' damn near any show?


This is probs some random shit we gon' type because come on now. COME ON NOW.

Why is someone choking Cowboy Curtis? Ain't right. He's a good man. I hear his daughter's a ho, tho.

9:05 PM

OKAY YOU GUYS 5 minutes in, ain't no Bieber in my TV yet. The fuck?

The one white guy looks old. I just yelled out "He look old."

Okay, cockroaches at a funeral, tacky to say the least.

9:11 PM

Helgenberger's yellin' her ass off. It's called acting, kids. Take notes.

Morphine clouds my thinking, too, Cowboy Curtis. That's why I like it.

Whurr. The fuck. Is Bieber. ?


Are the villains always this fucking uggo on this show? Damn.

Nice accent girlo. Begosh, begora.

Not enough chubbos on this show. I like one or two chubbos. No fat chicks, tho.

"Where's Bieber?" is the current catchphrase in our house.  This is some bullshit right here. There are some teenage girls gon be pissed, y'all.





Jason: That's not Bieber. That's Chaz Bono.

Jason: I don't think the Bieber haircut is a redneck haircut.
Jenni: You might be a redneck if you think that.


Steve: The Toyman blew up a funeral?

How crazy would it be to work in an office as fucking dark as CSI Vegas? Nutso.


The Biebs is acting his bangs off.

Jason: What is this, a Jamiroquai video? Where are they?

I think casting Justin Bieber as anti-establishment is perfect, considering his hair and all.

Has there been a national discussion about how those Bing commercials don't make any fucking sense whatsofuckingever? How many Americans could do a true stream-of-consciousness blur of FACTS?


 Do people really like watching all this crippity crap about bomb parts and whatever? UGH bored bored bored.


Some old guy is visiting Cowboy Curtis in the hospital and gives him a pretty righteous pimp stick. I don't know why a CSI professor of cowboy studies needs a pimp stick, but a'ight den. It's a nice gesture. Everyone loves a pimp stick.

I wish I knew the names of some Justin Bieber songs so I could make jokes that made sense. But there is just nothing to joke about here. Justin Bieber has some serious acting chops, and this episode of CSI is not boring in the least. No, it's fascinating and there is just a lot of talent on display.

I like how this is about a bomber or several bombers but they don't think when they visit crime scenes or bomber houses "Oh, shit could be wired to blow" right away and then they're like,  "Oh yeah duh, that is what bombers does. I almost forgot. Policework, so difficult, so many things to remembs."


Wait one cotton-pickin' minit. Am I gonna haves to tune in next weeks? Clever CSI. I will not be turning in next weeks. I have to rewatch Hawaii 5-0 like 25 times instead.

And thus concludes the liveblog. I hope someone besides me reads this. Ok I read it back. Maybe it's all right if it just fades away, like the trees in the forest.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Getting LOST: The LOST Auction

Now that LOST the TV series has ended, it's time to clean house and get rid of all the props, so ABC is holding LOST: The Official Auction and Exhibit in Santa Monica, California this weekend.

The event continues through Sunday, August 22, 2010, just two days before the Blu-ray/DVD release of LOST: The Complete Collection, which contains "The New Man in Charge," an all-new 12-minute chapter that reveals what happens after Hurley becomes protector of the island.

Here's a sneak preview:

If the Weezer news can't tide you over, check out some highlights from Saturday at LOST: The Official Auction and Exhibit after the jump.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Marky Marking Our Territory

Jason and I have very meaningful IM-versations.

No but and truly, this is the musical collaboration that could probably deliver world peace, or at least get Domino's to give you free pizza if they take longer than a half-hour, like they used to.

Jenni: guess the rap-lebrity   “If Justin Bieber asks me, I’ll say yes. Only because my daughter loves him.”
Jenni: unless you already know then don't guess, that would be a waste of time

Jason: eminem?
Jason:  reverend run?

Jenni: my ass would blow out my face if they did a song together
Jenni: someone get bieber on the phone stat
Jenni: this has to happen

Jason: i want marky mark to take bieber under his wing like clooney did for him
Jason: bieber better be in the italian job sequel

Jenni: under his wing not being a euphemism for sex but i'm still taking it that way, thanks
Jenni: no seriously think about that musical collaboration for just one minute
Jenni: didn't you just pee a little
Jenni: WHAT

Jason:  yes, i'm soaking in it
Jason:  i pee-bered myself

Jenni: btw heard alanis morissette is pregnant, good work
Jenni: there should be a doll of justin bieber that wets and cries "feel the beib-bration"

Jason:  just the right height, no bucket required for that horse-face

Jenni: with god, anything is possible*
Jenni: SHINE!*

*If you don't get the Alanis/Kevin Smith/Kevin Smith's wife references at the end GOOD FOR YOU. Keep living the life you're living, you're doing it right.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Comic-Con 2010 - Saturday: Cosplay & Effect

Saturday at Comic-Con is all about the big celebrity panels and the masquerade (and a reported nerd fight involving a stabbing in the face). BioShock costumes! Sid & Marty Kroftt! Billy Dee Williams! Chicks in skintight PVC outfits!

Keep an eye out for these pics (just don't stab yourself doing it) after the jump.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Comic-Con 2010 - Friday: Geeky Friday

Today's highlights from Comic-Con International: San Diego 2010 include panels for Yo Gabba Gabba! and 30 Days of Night: Dark Days along with Friday's exclusive Minimate giveaway, more toys and more movie props.

Check it all out after the jump!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Comic-Con 2010 - Thursday: The Nerdical Limit

Thursday morning I arrived in San Diego to attend Comic-Con International 2010, and let me tell you, my warp drive is exhausted! Nerd humor! I'll be here all weekend. Try the veal! No, really, I'll be here all weekend. Dunno about the veal, though.

Anyway, Day 1 of my annual trip to the San Diego Convention center culminated in reaching the nerdical limit of geekdom -- previewing movie props and new toys including merch sneaks from Monster High, Marvel Super Hero Squad, Super 7, Scott Pilgrim, Mez-Itz and Minimates, scoring bags full of freebies and exclusives, and attending a highlarious panel with Rob Corddry, Rob Huebel, Ken Marino and the rest of the cast of Adult Swim's Childrens Hospital.

Read more (and see almost 100 pics!) after the jump.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Drag U? Drag Me.

RuPaul's Drag U, girls.

Raven, Jujubee and Ongina, seriously, some of my fave queens evah.

The basic concept is they take truly non-fabulous natural women and apply drag queen principles to make them as fabulous as possible. The premiere episode focused on tomboys because they're fucking the worst, aren't they? Hate them.

Each natty ho is paired with a tucker, and tutored in the shit they done shoulda learned on their own but somehow did not. Personally, I'd like to know more about how these "ladies" ended up missing all that but then again if you go outside and look around, most bitches don't know what the hell they're doing with makeup or clothing, so, yeah. Kind of a pervasive prob in the America today.

I guess probably we should be touched by how empowered the women become when made more beautiful, and it is delightful to see, but the show is definitely more a game show than a true exercise in learning for the vaginaturals. Kind of a shame, but maybe they just don't air the parts where the ladies are taught how to drag themselves into some type of presentable shape every day, even when they don't have a ladyboy-in-waiting to doll them up.

One of the funnest parts of RuPaul's Drag Race is the lip-sync for your life, and they don't spare the wimmens from the indignity. Only...damn. In case you didn't learn the lesson from Puttin' On The Hits, lip-syncing is fucking hard. Exspesh with choreography, and super exspesh for tomboys, apparently.

Personally, I love Drag Queens, not messy uggo women. We know this. The most recent estimates put me at at least 45% gay man partick when it comes to my pop culture likes. And of course the best bits are the queens being queens and looking delish, especially Raven, who is super the best forever and ever. Always remembering she's on TV. Perfect. And naturally RuPaul, who is always amaze. So great.

The faculty includes Lady Bunny, also a delight, and lotsa great queens from Drag Races past. All killer queens, no filler queens, on the for reals.

Watch this, particularly if you're an uggo woman. You might learn something.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Tucking in the Children

Happy Birthday, Jerry Nelson

Today is the birthday of Muppeteer Jerry Nelson. He's the man behind Sesame Street's Herry Monster, Sherlock Hemlock, The Amazing Mumford and The Muppet Show's Floyd Pepper and Lew Zealand. It turns out this man is our jam -- Jerry is responsible for a lot of our favoritest Muppets, so to wish him a magical birthday a la peanut butter sandwiches, we'll do it in the style of one of his most popular characters, Count Von Count: Happy 1, 2, 3... 76th birthday, Jerry! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Spoiler Theatre: Predators

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

The Nicolas Cage 360

After six long years in the making, I've finally been able to complete my most ambitious art project: The Nicolas Cage 360.

Since 2004, some of Nicolas Cage's biggest films have been promoted by posters that have him posed at various degrees of the Cage-o-sphere®. Now, with his upcoming film, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, the circle is complete.

National Treasure: Book of Secrets at 45 degrees, Kick-Ass at 180 degrees...
The many sides of Nicolas Cage.
You can "Cage" them into your Netflix queue here.

Put them all together, and behold: The Nicolas Cage 360:

Free Lindsay!

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced today to 90 days in jail for violating her probation. She claims, "I did the best I could," but I think she already used that excuse defending why Labor Pains premiered on cable instead of in theaters. (Watch the trailer for the movie release in Spain here! It's so much better en EspaƱol!)

So while the internet started out this morning buzzing about the Double Rainbow Dude, the pot o' gold ended up being that we're safe from the possibility of an I Know Who Killed Me sequel (I Still Know Who Killed Me, Too... Again) for at least 90 days.

And of course, violating probation is no joke, but it's worth a couple of insensitive tweets.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Comic-Com 2010 Exclusives

If you plan on leaving mom's basement to attend Comic-Con 2010 in San Diego from July 22 - 25, save your Mountain Dew and Doritos money and spend it on these convention exclusives that we're recommending.

More details after the jump.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

My Boos

Y'all, I done lost my damn mind over these Monster High dolls.

Clawdeen Wolf, Draculaura, Frankie Stein, Deuce Gorgon, Cleo de Nile and Lagoona Blue

I've been obsessed with them since I first saw them online. Then the very next time I went to the toy store (full disclosure: we go to the toy store almost every week) Jason saw four of them and I bought them. On our next visit to the toy store I was able to get all the phase 1 dolls.

They're the cutest. Harajuku/gothic lolita fashions on some, Bratz-style silliness on others, and they're all adorable freakin' teenage monsters! It's like they made these dolls just for me.

So anyway, I took a few pictures. They're really fun to pose and stuff. I hope they come out with more fashions and accessories. I don't usually like to play dress-up with my dolls or whatevs but I dunno, I kind of want to with these. They should be able to have a lot of fun with the monsters in high school theme. Also, I hope they make a doll of the zombie character, Ghoulia. She's the smartest monster in school, after all. But I guess 'cause she's not the kid of a famous, name-brand monster, she didn't get a doll.

On the grown-up bizniz tip, this is Mattel's first original IP since Hot Wheels, and they're going all-in. They hired the Smallville guys to write a movie script, and are going after the Hairspray guys to write music for it (think about that, a high school monster musical--loves it), they are doing an animated thing for TV or DVD that appears to be different from the animation on their website and are also having a YA book series written, which itself seems to differ from the main Monster High doll/animated shorts storyline/universe they've already established.

I hope it does well because I really like it. Mattel has put a lot of thought and effort into the line. Each character has a personality and a backstory (Frankie Stein, my fave, is only 15 days old! Draculaura is a vegetarian for reals, not like them Twilight vamps! Lagoona Blue is a total zen-ass hippie!) and their outfits/accessories are super detailed, plus it looks like they each have a different head sculpt to match their specific type of monstrosity.

I'm so far out of their desired demo it's crazy, sort of like the Twilight Moms except I don't wanna bone any of the dolls. I'm guessing doll collectors will like these as much as I do. Hopefully kids will like them, too, so Mattel will expand the line. C'mon kids, help me out!

There are stuffed versions of Clawdeen Wolf, Frankie Stein and Draculaura, plus their pets. The Monster High kids all have pets, actually. I like the cobra, Hissette, the best. Tho the bat, Count Fabulous, has a cute name.

This is a terrible picture but laziness won out.