Spoiler Theatre: Predators

Bad

R.I.P.
Michael Jackson
Musician, Actor, King of Pop
August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009Thriller!

Jason and Jenni, so timely, so filled with class.

Jason: we blew it not going to the michael jackson auction
Jenni: um, ok. i still feel good about not going. being mocked on tour sad-ass blog would probably have driven him to a slightly earlier grave.
Jason: maybe they can actually auction off his stuff now
Jenni: they might have to, no?
Jenni: wuzzent he broke-ass-broke and that's why he was doing those concerts in london next month?
Jenni: which they'll have to refund the money for, i'd say
Jason: but his nose will live on
Jason: who will now succeed the throne of pop?
Jenni: I believe a cage-match style throwdown will decide
Jenni: that's how michael got the throne, and also why prince walks with a limp
Jason: oh, shum on
Jason: all hail justin timberlake, new king of pop
Jenni: yeah he's in shape and shit
Jenni: are people in your office also playing michael jackson music
Jenni: because yay
Jason: no, i still have the charlie's angels theme on repeat
Jenni: classy
Jason: he's touched so many of us. when we were children. gentle, loving caresses.
Jason: so you seeing all these rumors about jeff goldblum being dead, too?
Jenni: saw someone mention it
Jenni:also hearing and seeing that comes in threes thing which totally bugs me
Jason: yeah, when do you start and stop counting?
Jason: cuz david carradine was kinda out there on his own
Jenni: but people say it like it's this fact
Jenni: right
Jenni: i hate it
Jason: it's hazardous out there right now if you're a celebrity. now's not a good time to be fiddling around with auto-erotic asphyxiation
Jenni: and i really hate it when people are like "did you ever notice..." like they thought of it
Jenni: which is like, at least triple stupid
Jason: he's up there now with jesus and his juice
Jenni:Dirty Diana? Really? You are not honoring anyone's legacy if you play a piece of shit song like that.
Jenni: Jesus co-workers, get some sense. i just told my co-worker i was going to go "king of pop a cap in their asses" for playing Michael Jackson music so loudly during work
Jenni: not one thing from Off the Wall, either
Jason: at least Extra and The Insider won't hafta keep milking this ed mcmahon stuff
Jenni: yeah tho I am sort of excited to see what Webster and Macaulay Culkin have to say about it. and just random celebs who happened to be out and about. i love when they don't know and the tv shows ambush them
Jason: i just turned on the news
Jason: sheesh
Jason:it's like 9/11
Jason: poor farrah

Keep It Under the Table

Lock up your outdoor furniture, because last week an Ohio man was arrested for having public sex with his patio table. According to witnesses (and video-taped evidence!), the furniture rapist was seen naked on his deck romancing his patio table's empty umbrella hole. I guess the man lost interest in his wife after realizing she wasn't as round and flat as he'd liked and that she couldn't double as a place for him to put his beer on.

"Hubba hubba. You're the best money I've ever spent at Z Gallerie."

Doesn't the term "table dance" usually involve a strip club and not the Lawn & Garden department of your local Home Depot? In any case, this whole story brings a lot of other questions to the table (but not in that "let me plug up that umbrella hole" sort of way):

1. What exactly turns this guy on? Is it the IKEA Spring catalog or is it being "just the right diameter"?
   
   
2. If the guy has a fancy candlelit dinner on the table, does that mean he then expects his table to put out?
   
   
3. Was the table "asking for it" since it was just sitting there with its four shapely legs splayed wide open?
   
   
4. Did it make the guy wildly jealous whenever the umbrella was actually in the table?
   
   
5. Why didn't he bother to bring the table inside? Was he trying to impress the nearby picnic tables and park benches?
   

"Termites? What do you mean you have termites?!!?"

This story is way better than the pregnant man, Oprah -- just wait until the table gives birth to little lawn chairs. But if you don't snatch up this story, I hope that at the very least NBC Dateline's Chris Hansen starts trolling the chat rooms to set up a "To Catch a Table Rapist" sting.

Furniture4nic8r: so what are u wearing?
ReadyWillingAndTable: just a plaid tablecloth
Furniture4nic8r: thats hot. can ur legs fold up?
ReadyWillingAndTable: no im one of those stacking tables
Furniture4nic8r: oooh, i like seeing table-on-table action
ReadyWillingAndTable: hahaha. sounds ruff
Furniture4nic8r: u like that? i can play a real mean game of ping-pong on you
ReadyWillingAndTable: ouch. that might hurt
Furniture4nic8r: i'll be gentle. i'll use some Pledge furniture polish on you first. lemon scented
ReadyWillingAndTable: ur funny. u make me feel special like a crate & barrel dinette set

To Catch an Asshole

NBC loves child predators! LOVES them. Wants to marry them and have all of their little pervy babies and then will watch patiently as those nasty Internet predators seduce them. I have been in Internet blogging for twenty-four years and I have very seldom been at a loss for words.

Okay. Word-loss over. Rant continued.

So how do I know that NBC loves Internet predators? Simple, they are pulling back on, or maybe eventually cancelling the "To Catch a Predator" series of Dateline specials. If reading that made you spout a torrent of four-letter words and racial epithets like a drunken Archie Bunker with Tourrette's, welcome to the motherfucking club.

The cover story is a simple one: they're laying the blame on advertisers who don't want their products associated with legally and ethically vague sting operations orchestrated to boost the ratings of an otherwise lifeless news magazine show on America's number three or four network. But that's bullshit and we all know it. NBC and all of the advertisers who have pulled their support for this groundbreaking series have become enamored with Internet predators, and in fact, may be Internet predators themselves. As Nietzsche prophetically warned, they have become the very monster they sought to fight. The abyss has stared back at them, and it is apparently the warm, cozy genitalia of an underage girl!


Shame on you, NBC. Shame on you!

And we all know that the current "To Catch a Predator" series is rife with product placement. For example:

Mike's Hard Lemonade - Sexed up, underage teens love drinkin' it and Internet predators love supplyin' it.
Trojan condoms - Um, DUH!
Astroglide - I doubt any of the Internet predators will actually need it, but whatever.
Yahoo Messenger, AIM, Windows Live Messenger - Kids and Predators have to meet somewhere, right?

And let's not forget the real victim here. No, I'm not talking about the underage teens who are about to be deflowered now that NBC and its advertisers have turned on them. I'm talking about the stalwart defender of underage genitals himself, Chris Hansen. He was just getting to the point where the predators knew who he was. He was on the cusp of one of them even knowing his name before he said "I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we're doing a story on people who try to meet teenagers for sex on the Internet." That man deserves better. Even Oprah gave him the seal of approval.

President of NBC (I don't know his/her name. I could Google it, but now the Internet is full of predators and I don't want to be molested), I hope you come back to your office to find Mr. Hansen and his trusty crew waiting for you, his accusatory stare a proxy for the one the rest of us non-Internet predators are wearing. I hope that, confronted with the shame of your new, perverse desires, your mind scrambles for an answer that will most likely begin and end with "oops." Then I hope you get tazered. Congratulations, Internet predators. You're entering a new, Chris-Hansen-free renaissance--and probably an underage vagina--very soon.

Jenni vs. Predator Part Two: Entrapture

Me 'n' my soul had a vision. We were, like, so totally on a mission. I may be filthy dirty in the mouth and mind, but still, there are way worse perverts out there, and little kids who need my help, since obviously their parents don't give a shit.

I put on my perv-huntin' "no fat chicks" cap, fired up the ol' lappytop, and got to trolling for justice.

I'll be the first to admit, the early attempts didn't go very well. I think it was my opening lines. Perhaps I was a touch overeager.

6yrsgoingon12in: Whew, I needs me some cock.
(virtual crickets)
6yrsgoingon12in: I sed I'm 6 years old and HORNEE!!!!11!1!!
((dickenjane has left the chat room))
((D.Flower has left the chat room))
((kilfhunter69 has left the chat room))
((yngaznluvrmiller has left the chat room))

[DO OVER]

blewnicorn95: my virginity is like a brick in my tiny, lacy underpants. heavy and scratchy. If only someone would...lay that brick.
((Peeniemeeniemineymo has left the chat room))
((Chodeally has left the chat room))
((cap'njzz has left the chat room))
((the chat room is empty))
blewnicorn95: anyone?

[DO OVER]

Virjenni: Someone put me out of my misery--I've gone 10 years without sex! Ha! Because I'm only 10!! Get it? 10 years without sex? Come on, I know most of you are three, four times my age and can totally beat that!!! Let's hear it boys! Are you hornier than a fifth grader?
painalingus has left the chat room
bigballz6969 has left the chat room
insemenator has left the chat room

Huh. My quarry was obviously a bit sharper than Chris Hansen had lead me to believe--the hard sell was not gonna work. Luckily, I used to be a profeshunal writer, so I knew from subtlety. But once I started being "real" I got sort of depressed about the whole thing. How can anyone really do this and not want to blow their brains out?

Katsnatchfvr: NE buddy want 2 be my friend?
Katsnatchfvr: talk 2 me!!!!
tungkiss: Hey, sweethart, how'r U?
Katsnatchfvr: OK but how do u kno i'm sweet?
tungkiss: I dont.....but i wood like 2 find out!
Katsnatchfvr: ^o^" how?!?
tungkiss: u no how
Katsnatchfvr: no -__- ?
tungkiss: i can taste u
tungkiss: down there
Katsnatchfvr: oh yeah? on my foots?
tungkiss: UR silly I mean ur girl parts!!
Katsnatchfvr: "girl parts?!?" those have a name, dickweed
tungkiss: huh?
Katsnatchfvr: uh...oh i bet that would tingle tangle me in my underpants place
tungkiss: oh yeah u will LOVE it
Katsnatchfvr: describe it to me!!
tungkiss: i will kiss you down there like on ur mouth but instead on your pussy
Katsnatchfvr: oh you think that will do something? pfft. no wonder you talk to preteens online.
tungkiss: uh oh God UR a cop
Katsnatchfvr: silly! i was just jokin...like that guy on TV whose name nobody ever remembers
tungkiss: thats not funny we could get in a lot of truble
Katsnatchfvr: we?
tungkiss: yeah and then we cant be in luv anymore honey
Katsnatchfvr: "Luv?" Um, yeah. You probably kind of mean that. This is just too sad. Are people really this lonely? Do all of you really have no one better to talk to? Fuck, that's some messed up shit right there. Ugh, I need to lie down.
tungkiss: and I can get on top of you and make you feel good with my hard cock in your tiny pussy
Katsnatchfvr: ...
tungkiss: baby what's wrong? u make me horny
Katsnatchfvr: you make me worry about the future. and the past.
tungkiss: don't worry ill use protection
Katsnatchfvr: that's not...wow.
tungkiss: you'll be saying wow a lot honey i promise
tungkiss: i really kno how 2 do it
Katsnatchfvr: that i seriously doubt, or you wouldn't need to be here chatting up kids

Yeah, so, in the end, I didn't manage to get anyone arrested. I mean, I went to their houses and hammered their balls flat, and fed them anything that leaked out. But I'm telling you, half of them liked it, so, mission totally not accomplished.

Oh, well, no matter. I had a vision the other day about people who steal music and movies from defenseless corporations. Surely that will be an easier vigilante mission for me...(wink)

Until then, here's a bonus one:

[DO OVER]

rubberpantz: nknhbhkbmesddrs asdfasfdfdsasaewajk (Hey pervs! that means, "Hi, I'm a little toddler, totally unable to express my deep and boundless desire for delicious grown man-cock, but rest assured, I am in the market. Are any of you, perhaps, a member of the clergy, or a teacher?")

Jenni vs. Predator Part One: Illumination

One day, Jenni felt a small tugging at the sleeve of her soul.

"I have a soul?" she thought to herself, and to no one in particular. (Jenni believed other people could hear her thoughts, and while sometimes she addressed them to someone, this time she was just too genuinely surprised to get specific about it.)

"Ahem," said the soul-tugger, "Down here."


In the dimly lit realm of the metaphysical, Jenni's soul looked down past its woefully stretched-out sleeve and gasped. Before it sat a moderately brainless and dangerously lonely child, its helpless face and large-eyed, blank stare artfully--yet ominously--illuminated by the glow of its computer screen.

As Jenni's soul watched, the scene shifted. There was the child in its own cheerfully lit home, looking for companionship and attention in unmoderated chat rooms, innocently typing and LOLing away, when what can only be described as an appropriately dark metaphoric shadow shaped like a hulking, creepy-ass, pathetic man holding a four-pack of a malt beverage appeared in the doorway, severely compromising the once cheerful lighting in the room.

"Help me," the child said.

"Fuck yeah, I'll help you--help you out of your virginity!" the shadow shaped like a big ol' nasty predator said.

"Dude. The kid was talking to me." Jenni's soul asserted.

"ROTFTNLAABIS," the child sputtered. (That means rolling on the floor totally not laughing at all because I'm scared. Seriously, these kids and their secret codes.)

"Don't worry. I got this!" Jenni's soul bellowed.

"You don't really strike me as a virgin, but shit, I'm obviously lookin' for it any way I can get it, so, yeah, all right, baby. I want to hug u and touch u naked and put my thing in u. Ur so pretty," the predatory shade said. "U like Mike's Hard Lemonade, right?"

"Shuh shuh she was talking to me," the child managed to stutter.

Just as quickly as it began, it was over. Jenni's soul tried to make sense of it all by speaking out loud.

"Huh. I wonder what that meant?" Jenni's soul pondered, "An oddly genderless child...a grown-ups' beverage in crowd-pleasing flavors...a talking shadow that shaped like a guy who wants to fuck kids...hmmm. This one's a puzzler."

Back in the physical world, Jenni read a story about Miss America bravely luring internet predators as part of her "internet safety for children" platform.

"I know what I must do," Jenni and her soul said, at the exact same time.

"You owe me a Coke," Jenni and her soul said, at the exact same time.

Two Cokes later, it was ON.

To be continued...

Scariest Halloween Ideas Ever

It’s finally October, and that means two things depending on who you are:

1. If you’re a mulleted DJ at the local Zoo/Edge/Kiss/Star radio station, it’s Rocktober and the month of Double-Shot Thursdays.

2. If you're anybody else, it’s time for Halloween.

Don't give toothbrushes out for Halloween. That’s not a treat.
That’s like giving out burn kits to kids on the 4th of July.

To guarantee that this Halloween is pants-pissingly scary (October’s already off to a frightening start with the revelation of the Screech sex tape and the fact that two Ashton Kutcher movies opened at the top of this weekend’s box office), I’m giving you my suggestions for making the spookiest haunted house ever...

When trick-or-treaters visit, have a youngster answer the door. Here are some scary costume suggestions for what the tot should be dressed as:

• Steve Irwin (wear a khaki outfit and "accessorize" with a sting ray barb)

• John Mark Karr (wear a short-sleeve maroon button-up shirt that’s two sizes too big and hike up your pants above your stomach, then pretend you did it)

• A Zombie (dress up as Katie Holmes, then act like Tom is around)

After the kid answers the door, have the child let the trick-or-treaters into the kitchen, where your guests will be left to wait. Then, you pop out from behind a curtain in the kitchen and say, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC.”

It's more effective than saying "Boo!" But be careful – those aren’t Snickers bars you'll see plopping on the linoleum.

“Let me read you this transcript: ‘Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.’ You really think that's appropriate to say to a child?”

For those of you who don’t know, Chris Hansen hosts a recurring hidden-camera sting operation on Dateline called “To Catch a Predator,” in which he ambushes online pervs who’ve been lured to suburban kitchens for what they think is a sure thing with an underage kid. Instead, they get their Gymboree-chasin’ pants scared off of them when a news reporter comes out and punks them into a 20-year stint in prison. It’s the best show on television, and you can catch it every Friday at 9pm when you’re not rockin’ like a hurricane to a double dose of The Scorpions this Rocktober.