Mealtallica

Today, we saw a food truck named after Metallica's Kill 'Em All album, but since the eatery on wheels specialized in serving up burgers, it was called "Grill 'Em All." In honor of the heavy metal-inspired burgermobile, we've come up with some other Metallica-themed food trucks:

Call us, Lars, and we can go into the food truck biz with you. Otherwise, we'll sell these ideas to Napster.

Love,
Hands in the Air

2007 in Review

There are mere hours before we have to retire our Hilary Duff calendar for the year, so it's a good time for me to blog poetic on 2007's best and worst...


Best Comedies of 2007
Pregnancy movies: Knocked Up and Juno, though I actually consider pregnancy movies to be of the horror genre.

Best Semi Truck vs. Fighter Jet Scene in a Movie
Live Free or Die Hard. Strangely enough, it wasn't any scene in Transformers.

Worst Timing Award

• The release of Things We Lost in the Fire just before the California wildfires began
• Lynn Spears trying to publish her book on parenting

Guilty-Pleasure Pop CDs of the Year

• Dignity by Hilary Duff
• We Are the Pipettes by The Pipettes
• Headstrong by Ashley Tisdale
  (But NOT the new album by her fellow High School Musical costar Vanessa Hudgens. Well... I'm not a fan of V-Hud's music album, at least. Her personal photo album, though, is an altogether separate matter.)

Restaurant Jingle of the Year
The Outback Steakhouse song ("Let's go Outback tonight...")
I can't get that damn song outta my head. It's based on "Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games" by Of Montreal, but I actually like the digeridoo'd up version better.

Worst Restaurant Name
Pastagina.
I thought this was a symptom of a really bad yeast infection, but I guess it's just a poorly named Italian joint. But did they really need to use a triangle of spaghetti as their logo?

Other restaurant names to avoid: anything ending in "-esticles," "-lamydia" or "-airy nutsack." Also anything rhyming with "Schmapplebee's."

Best Pregnancies
5. Halle Berry
4. Jennifer Lopez
3. Christina Aguilera
2. Jessica Alba
1. Jamie Lynn Spears

Jessica Alba would've topped the charts if I had posted this in early December, but I ended up waiting. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears didn't end up waiting. Good thing for this list.


Top Celebrity Jail Sentences
5. Michelle Rodriguez
4. Keifer Sutherland
3. Lindsay Lohan
2. Nicole Richie
1. Paris Hilton

Paris wins for the blazing the trail and serving all the extra days that her other debutards didn't. Turns out that Lindsay's 84-minute jail term was longer than her movie I Know Who Killed Me lasted in theaters. I guess "overcrowding" wasn't the case in those theaters.

Stop Objectifying My Pretzels!

With Turkey Day around the corner, it's time for me to reflect and give thanks. And what better thing to give thanks for than unintentionally dirty advertising, like this accidental nastiness from Wetzel's Pretzels?

The lunging, circumsized pretzel dog.
The little submissive chef on his knees.
The sting of a salt crystal in the wrong orifice.

Not since the ill-conceived "Cinnabondage" S&M campaign of '98
has a food court promotion generated enough steaminess
to blow up the skirt of cold-fish Auntie Anne.

Here's hoping this won't make you feel forever uneasy when you see a pretzel. At least no more uncomfortable than spending a big dinner with the family. Happy Thanksgiving!

King Me!

It’s good to be The King. Not just any king mind you, I am referring to the one and only monarch who still has relevancy in these modern, democratic times. I’m talking, of course, about the Burger King and, while you surely know him for his delicious flame-broiled burgers and the answer to my prayers, Chicken Fries, you should also know that he has taken the first bold steps into a new frontier. Right now, with any combo meal purchase at Burger King, you can secure for the low, low price of an additional $3.99, one of three hot, new XBOX and XBOX 360 games featuring The King himself in all of his plastic-faced, creepy glory.

Have it your way. Fast food and video games:
Burger King gives you two ways to get a fat ass!

Two of the three games seem pretty dull. Big Bumpin’ seems to be nothing more than a bumper car simulator which basically fits the definition of a game nobody asked for. There’s just no way to virtually simulate the thrill of slamming maniacally into a retarded kid over and over again and the look of helplessness mingled with terror and rage on his red, puffy, Down Syndrome face as he cries and runs screaming from the midway. Yeah, like I’m the only one who does that. The other game is Pocketbike Racer which, despite having a name rife with masturbatory overtones, is little more than a racing game featuring The King on a miniature motorbike.

The real Special Sauce on this sandwich is the game Sneak King. In this stealthy adventure, The King must use his wits and guile to quietly stalk hungry citizens and then pop out and surprise them with his juicy Whopper. Imagine getting into your car on your way to some appointment or Ye Olde Porn Shoppe (still not just me), with a growling stomach, only to find that permanently frozen, regal face staring coldly at you from the rear view mirror, a piping hot burger in hand. Sure, at first you’d be freaked out, but then you’d realize what was going on and be delighted for the snack. If only The King were permitted to perform this service to society for reals. Stupid breaking and entering laws.

Hopefully this whole thing is a tremendous success and Burger King has the opportunity to expand to other platforms. For example, the Nintendo Wii and its new control scheme would open up a whole new realm of possibilities. They could make Royal Burger Chef for instance, in which the player must use the Wii Remote’s motion sensing technology to flip burgers, mop the restaurant and perform other typical fast food employee chores under the watchful, judgmental gaze of The King. That fits right in line with Nintendo’s recent string of “Touch Generation” games like Brain Age which endeavors to make math fun. And Royal Burger Chef would be vocational training that’s desperately needed by today’s youth. Let’s face it, not all of them are going to grow up to be superstar internet sensations like us here at Hands in the Air.

Photo flame-broiled by Jason

Col. Sanders Gets Makeover, More Finger-Lickin' to Be Had

Struggling chicken chain KFC is clearly shifting into desperation mode. To lure new customers, KFC recently added new menu items like its Famous Bowls, a monstrosity of bite-size chicken on a bed of corn and mashed potatoes topped with cheese, but the result is more like when your TV dinner finds itself mixed into the same tray compartment minus the overcooked brownie with the random pea in it. In an even bigger sign of desperation, KFC has been test-marketing a new look for Colonel Sanders that gives a facelift to his extra crispy mug.

While an alleged nose job is failing to do wonders for Ashlee Simpson's career, KFC is hoping the Colonel's makeover will drum up business and make him more finger-lickin' good to the eyes. According to a press release, the new Colonel has been updated to look like a more "hip" and "active" 65-year-old from 2006 rather than a "crotchety" and "pee-reeking" 65-year-old from 1966. In either year, it seems that 65-year-olds bear a strong resemblance to Sigmund Freud as a plantation owner.












It's all in an effort to make the chicken slinger look "friendlier" and "more approachable," which is good news because we'd all really prefer to eat at places with mascots we could totally pick up in a bar.

In other makeover news, Subway has decided to make Jared wear a bag on his head.

A Hot Topic makeover for Ronald McDonald's face paint could make the mascot "edgier," "extreme" and more like the creepy loner who lives down the street.

And the Fries Are How Much?!?

If you've got expensive taste, take note of the frou-frou restaurant in Florida that's offering a gourmet hamburger with a $100 price tag. Why splurge on 110 or so White Castle Slyders, when for the same hundred bucks you could treat yourself to a 20-ounce grease-sponge that's imported from cows in Japan and Argentina? The burger is such a hot commodity that the likes of Paul Anka and David Lee Roth are being touted as fans who've ordered one by mail. And you know Diamond Dave doesn't just let any ol' random thing near his mouth unless it's 1982 and you're a groupie at the Diver Down tour.

The Old Homestead Steakhouse describes its big-ticket burger as "heaven on a bun," and for every piece of bunly heaven it sells, ol' McPrice-Gouger's will donate 10 bucks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Somewhere out there, there's a cancer kid whose secret wish it is to see a rich dude drop a C-note on an overpriced beef bomb. Dreams really can come true.

Lookin' for a good time, baby?
For $100, I can give you what I like to call "heaven on a bun."

Enter the Mexagon

I’m going to start a petition to stop Taco Bell from thinking "outside the bun. So far, Taco Bell’s extra-bun-icular activities have led to food mutations I’d rather not eat:

Taco-on-taco action

Enchilada yarmulke

I’m not sure what exactly exists outside of the realm of the bun, but the outer-bun worlds that the U.S.S. Taco Bell is exploring are apparently wonderlands where hard tacos can spoon with soft tacos without fear of discrimination. That would explain the Bell’s Double Decker Taco, a hard taco nestled inside a soft taco cozy. Cross-breeding the two varieties is like Pizza Hut offering "New York-style pizza" as a topping for a Chicago deep-dish pizza. But then again, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell are sister companies, so I wouldn’t put that sort of bastardizing past the Hut (jenni knows what I'm talking about).

Now, Taco Bell has come up with yet another menu mutation, and it’s quite possibly the biggest fast-food embarrassment since the time I got stuck in the Grimace cage at McDonaldland. What do you get when you cross origami with an enchilada? No, not a tissue paper swan filled with beans and cheese, silly. I’m talking about the Crunchwrap Supreme. Honestly, you should never eat something that looks like one of those fold-up paper fortune teller thingies.

Even worse, Taco Bell missed the mark with the Crunchwrap’s name. It totally should’ve been called the "Mexagon." Actually, if it was really called the Mexagon, it might be worth all the embarrassment of eating something so stoopid looking. In this case, I don’t think the Taco Bell folks were merely thinking outside of the bun. I think they thought outside of the bun, crapped on it, folded it into a Frisbee, then got lost ‘cuz they wandered so far into uncharted bun territory. It’s a dangerous world out there. Think inside the bun.

Questioning Pizza Hut

So, um, Pizza Hut? Your Cheesy Bites Pizza? Uh--why?

I know, the Hut prides itself on creating as many permutations of pizza as it possibly can, but do you realize, Pizza Hut, that if you pull 'n' pop the bites, then you won't have any damn crust to lift the rest of the slice with? And then prolly the only thing to be done is to fold the slice like an annoying New Yorker and who wants to act like an annoying New Yorker? Not me, PH, not me.

By the way, while I have you here, Pizza H., are you kidding me with the lyrics to the Cheesy Bites commercial? Did you let Jessica Simpson write those beauties herself? "One of these days these bites are gonna pop right into you." I think there might be laws against pizza-on-people action like that, Hutty. I'm just saying.

(Don't take it too hard, P.Hu. I'm just still miffed about the P'Zone incident of 2002 and I'm lashing out. That song really is stupid, tho.)

Love,

jennikins



On a blog-related note, I was gonna wait and let the other two post before I went blog wild but they took too long so screw 'em.