Satan Loves Hot Girl-on-Girl Action

If you're gonna go to church, you might as well go to one run by a pastor who writes his sermons while shakin' his moneymaker to the beat of your local KISS, STAR, Z-something or whatever other pop radio station is big in your town. Or maybe not. In Blacklick, Ohio, a homophobic pastor seems to think the whole sapphic sentiment of Katy Perry's chart-topper, "I Kissed a Girl," will damn you straight to hell.

Who knew the taste of cherry chapstick was so evil?

She kissed a girl and I liked it. Then they had a pillowfight in their lingerie and I liked it even more.

Personally, I think hot chicks making out is the best kinda gay there is, but besides that, I have a lotta other problems with this church sign:

1. In the context of a sign, Katy Perry's lyrics could very well have been something spoken by a dude, which I assume the church wouldn't say would damn you to hell. First base is okay in everyone's book, despite what my harassment record might indicate.
   
   
2. Aren't there worst musical acts to criticize? Like, I don't know, maybe Nickelback? Seriously, those guys must've made a deal with the devil to still be popular for releasing the same crappy song over and over.
   
   
3. As any late-night viewer of Cinemax would agree, there is absolutely nothing wrong with two women locking lips. At least until your roommate walks in unexpectedly and catches you watching Forbidden Co-Ed Confessions. Then it's just plain embarrassing. But it's not a sin. Otherwise God wouldn't have given us that many premium cable movie channels.
   
   
4. Um, this incident happened in a town called "Blacklick."
   

If the pastor is as uptight as he seems, he could really just swap out the first two lines of his sign with any other lyrics from a current pop song and then just tack on the "then I went to hell" part after it. He might be onto something... Sorta like the how you add "in bed" after reading a fortune cookie fortune. Try it:

Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly":
"It starts in my toes, and I crinkle my nose... then I went to hell"

Weezer's "Beverly Hills":
"Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be... then I went to hell"

Anyway, if you're feeling creative, please submit any other song lyrics that would sound good followed by "then I went to hell." Otherwise, I'll see you in hell!

Sundae School

Aight y'all. Now this is a church after my own heart. If I thought I could get me a big ol' chocolate shake at church I might consider going once a year or something.

And, of course, another reason this church is one after my own heart is becuz they're obviously saying some bullshit to get people to come in, and clearly they think people are stupid as hell.

The thing is, there are actually websites and books that this church coulda used to do something still incredibly stupid but at least a little more compelling that, yeah, still wouldn't have worked (Are those signs supposed to be advertisements? Because, lame.) but at least people might have chuckled or smiled and thought about God fondly for a minit before they remembered that going to church is way boring and organized religion is pretty much ass.

Chocolate shakes are delicious, tho. Not get my heiney back into church delicious (they'd basically have to offer me the ability to break at least five commandments at a time in some upgraded, sensually padded pews to get me back into church but um I think that kinda defeats the purpose), but pretty fucking delicious.

Amen.