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Saturday, April 25, 2009

Bloodfuckers: A Twilight Viewing Party Liveblog

Since everything Twilight is still red-hot right now (err...right? Plagiarism accusations [false as it turns out], who Robert Pattinson is dating--this shit pollutes my Insider and Entertainment Tonight alla time, stealing precious airtime from Donny Osmond, Susan Boyle and Octomom, and apparently for Entertainment Weekly it's news every time one of the stars farts) we're doing another of our classic pointless liveblogs.

We're watching it on Blu-Ray so as not to miss any of the awesomeness and it's BD Live-enabled, which makes me wish we could watch it with some random lonely teenage girls but all of Jason's girlfriends were busy tonite.

Rated PG-13 for some violence and _a_ scene of sexuality...

I can only make it through one scene of sexuality before getting really sleepy and disinterested.

Movie starts...

Shh don't tell the guys, but I will just be randomly saying "vampire" throughout the movie (like in the trailer) to annoy them.

Jason: Ugh. (Because he thinks Jacob is Ug, which he is.)

The ugly kid who plays Jacob says, in the movie, "We used to make mudpies when we were little."

Steve: Is that a euphemism? Probably for anal.

Dude just said "Chillax"

Steve: Did he just say chillax?

Jason: That's stupidiculous.

Jason: This is a very accurate depiction of what high school in Washington is like. OK, also, wherever this school is, there wouldn't be black kids. There are no black kids in the woods in Washington.

Jenni: I still think it's retarded that these vampires go to high school.

Steve: And they all look 30. I don't think the cops are going to pick them up for truancy.

We're at the part where Bella sits next to Edward in science class and he's acting like he's gonna barf.

Jason: This is shot like a fucking Mexican telenovela, with the close-ups and the staring.

Steve: Maybe tomorrow you'll take a shower, bitch.

The golden onion (um, this teacher has a golden onion)

Steve: Good thing it's not garlic.

Jason: So they play Quidditch with that, right?

Steve: Now she looks like she wants his cock real bad.

The only black kid in town almost hits Bella with his car.

Steve: You'd think the only black kid in town would be more careful with that shit.

Edward says "Bella, we shouldn't be friends."

Steve: Fuck buddies?

Jason: Why do vampires all have such great hair? They all have fancy hair.
Jenni: Well. Hm. Hair is dead, vampires are dead. There's a connection there, maybe?

Lunchroom hotness:

Edward: What if I'm not the hero. What if I'm the bad guy.

Jenni: Even better.

Bella: Why don't we just hang out?

Jason: ...of our clothes.

Bella: Everyone's going to the beach. Come.

Jason: my vagina.

Bella: I mean, have fun.

Jason: In my vagina.

Edward: Which beach?

Bella: La Push.

Jason: ...La Push la penis in la vagina.

At the beach, the longhaired Indians walk up.

Steve: Seriously, is there a barber on the reservation?
Jason: They have long hair, that's how you know they're Indians.

Flashback to the past with the Cullens hunting in olde-tyme clothes

Jason: I'm glad they're all hunting in their finest Little Rascals gear.

Guy in boat with red cap and green shirt is being stalked by a vampire.

Steve: Not child molester Santa!

Bella and Edward talk to Bella's gal pals outside the restaurant. Edward: I think I should make sure Bella gets something to eat.

Jason: Cock.

Edward: If you'd like. I'll drive you home myself.

Jason: I'll drive my cock into you.

Jenni: I'll let you work the stick shift.

Bella: Yeah, I should eat something.

Jason: Cock.

Jenni: I've got some homemade cream sauce you can try.

Bella's dad gives her a can of mace or pepper spray or something.

Jenni: That's the weirdest dildo I've ever seen.

Steve: I thought it was lubricant.

Edward is making Bella say he's a vampire. He's forever 17 (my second-favorite mall store).

Jenni: That's awesome. Eternal jailbait.

Edward: Say it.

Jenni: On my cock.

Edward takes Bella up the mountain.

Jason: Super fast piggyback ride! Sweet!

Edward reveals his glitter skin. Edward: It's the skin of a killer.

Jason: Or a West Hollywood party boy.

Edward: I was born to kill.

Jenni (for Bella): I was born to suck cock. I don't see a problem here.

Edward tells Bella he wanted to suck her blood sooooo bad. Edward: I wanted to kill you. I have never wanted a human's blood so much in my life.

Jason (for Bella): Suck on my tampon.

Edward is explaining that Carlisle has super restraint for not totally sucking the blood out of people including himself.

Steve: So Carlisle is an expert at pulling out.

Jason: Yeah, but he squirts the blood all over their face or back.

Bella's dad's Indian friend comes to visit.

Jason: Wait, so that's a wheelchair werewolf?

Steve: If he becomes a werewolf can he actually walk?

Jenni: No, but his wheelchair is furry.

Jason: It's like those dogs who don't have back legs and have wheels instead.

Edward and Bella are relaxing in her room.

Steve: So if he breaks her hymen, would he just go nuts?

Jenni: No. She's probably had her period so he's smelled her blood already.

Steve: Yeah, but hymen blood is the freshest, most pure blood.

Jenni: What? No, it isn't.

Steve: If his penis a vampire, too, and it would just drink the hymen blood?

Jenni: No.

Steve: Where does the blood for a vampire boner come from? Does he have to feed right before he's going to do it?

Jenni: Not if his vampire dick can just drink up some fresh hymen blood to keep it going.

And then the bad vampires show up and there is just not a lot of room for dick and hymen jokes. Kind of sad.

Bella checks her pepper spray outside the ballet studio.

Steve: Is there garlic in there?

Jenni: And holy water.

Jason: Yeah.

Jenni: And nun's piss. I'm pretty sure nun's piss is deadly to vampires.
So the prom. Jacob's all in love with Bella, too.

Jenni: Vampires, werewolves--Bella's like a Halloween hoochie. The books might have been better if in each book she got a new monster to fall in love with her. I only read the first one (I know, I know--eeew) so maybe that does happen.

Yeah, so that movie wasn't actually all that bad. Not super good or nuffin' but we've watched way, way worse.

Jason: That was beautiful. Don't type that.

R.I.P. Bea Arthur

It's been a while since I've posted a celebrity obituary, but today's passing of Bea Arthur really hits home with me. The huskiest of The Golden Girls has the same birthday as me, so whenever I'd check the celebrity horoscopes, I'd know I'd be having the exact same day as Bea. Or if Entertainment Tonight was listing the celebrity birthdays, I'd know that both Bea Arthur and I could have a free meal at Denny's together on the same day.

Bea Arthur
Actress, Golden Girl
May 13, 1922 - April 25, 2009

Thank you for being a friend

So now on my birthday (it's coming up in a couple of weeks, ladies), I'll have to make due with getting into Disneyland free with only Harvey Keitel, Stevie Wonder and Robert Pattinson. I know! Robert fucking Pattinson! While researching Bea Arthur, I just found out that Twilight boy and I were born on the same freakin' day! So, even though today is sad because Bea is gone, it's sorta happy early birthday to me, 'cuz, like, Robert fucking Pattinson!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Monday, April 13, 2009

My iPhone Can't Take No for an Answer

The auto-suggestion function of the iPhone is supposed to be helpful by offering up words you might've meant to type based on letters that are a key away from what you've actually typed.

Sometimes, though, the auto-suggest just gets it all wrong in a Three's Company sorta way. Try typing "especially." By the time you're four letters in, Mr. iPhone thinks you really want to be tweeting about "rape":

No matter how many times I insist that I'm typing in "especially," my iPhone won't take no for an answer and keeps auto-suggesting the word "rape" instead.