The Sexiest Blog Alive

Pop Culture | Movies | Celebs | TV | Video Games | Comics | Toys | Gossip | Snark

** WE'VE MOVED TO TUMBLR! **
Visit the new Tumblr blog at HandsInTheAir.net

Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts

Monday, December 12, 2011

Breakin' It Down: Do They Know It's Christmas

"Do They Know It's Christmas," the greatest of all Christmas carols, was written in 1984, just as George Orwell predicted it would be. That dude was dope.



But what makes it so amazing, aside from the Bananarama backing vocals, are the transcendent lyrics. They are the greatest of all Bob Geldof's many accomplishments, which, to give non-Boomtownratophiles an idea, include naming a child "Fifi Trixabelle," inspiring a certain Graves Disease-eyed cat to hate Mondays, and goading Phil Collins into making a huge ass of himself by helicoptering/Concordeing/jetting/rocket roller-skating to all 100 Live Aid concerts around the world, thus spending approximately 20 times the amount raised by The Concert for Bangladesh, Band Aid, Live Aid, U.S.A. For Africa and that "Sun City" song combined.*

While no one blog post can be expected to fully cover a subject as rich and deep as "Do They Know It's Christmas" were gonna give it the ol' Phil Collins around-the-world try, taking an in-depth look at the lyrical (and vocal) genius and of this holiday heartwarmer.

It's Christmastime. There's no need to be afraid. At Christmastime, we let in light, and we banish shade.

Right off the bat, Geldof (and co-writer Midge Ure, I suppose, tho I think he stuck mainly to the music bits) distinguish DTKIC from all other Christmas carols by dispensing with the normal admonishments to watch your ass/be afraid/man the fuck up and stop crying and, in fact, suggest the opposite. Contrast that with "Deck the Halls," which is literally about the horrors of architecture abuse.

As a grace note, these words were sung in the final version by Paul Young, who agreed that Xmas was a time when no playhouses would be torn down.

Incidentally, I always thought it was "...and we banish hate" which doesn't make sense but "shade" isn't exactly making a ton of sense either. I can't remember ever feeling like "damn, y'all, it's too shady 'round here for Christmas." Also, I'm guessing they wouldn't mind a little shade in Ethiopia, shade is always welcome, even at Christmas.

And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy. Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime.

I think they actually meant we have a lot, and because of that, we can spread joy, via hugs and those weird, giant bags of rice. Not in this world of plenty we should spread joy. I mean go ahead and spread joy, but be sure you're spreading those weird, giant bags of rice where they're needed.

Oh, shit. Did you guys know that Bob Geldof shamed Boy George into hopping on the Concorde from New York to get to the recording session to do this part? Which was correct. Who better to say, essentially, "hug the world," than Boy George? He's a glamorous cartoon of love, hats and braided hair, and can tell us to hug the world with authority.

The Wikipedia page has some fun info on the recording of the song, particularly if you're into Boy George being bitchy to George Michael. I like to imagine it as a super catty, British Pop Spy Vs. Spy comic, although it was surely absolutely nothing like that.

A Boy George/George Michael slapfight would be an amazing Christmas gift for me, if you can swing it.

But say a prayer, pray for the other ones. At Christmastime it's hard, but, when you're having fun...there's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear.

I just started geography classes in night school but I'm still pretty sure right outside of England's window is like, water and Ireland. And then dread and fear, just beyond that. These lyrics are kind of awkward but I guess it is hard to transition from banishing shade to fear and famine.
 
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears.

This is a bit of hyperbole--there was definitely a horrible drought but I am relatively sure if there was absolutely no water, they'd all just have died in a few weeks? I dunno, I don't start my "Dread, Fear, Famine and Drought" night school class until next quarter. I do know the political sitch in the area made the famine worse than it needed to be. So there's that.


But, more importantly, everyone in the world loves that Sting sang the word "sting."

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom. Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you!

Daaaaaaaaamn. Surely two of the most hardcore lyrics in not just charity song history but also regular song history. The "thank God it's them instead of you" bit really does make you think, will confirm any existing atheism in your heart and can still, to this day, make you feel guilty as fuck. I feel guilty for not being part of a horrible famine RIGHT NOW. I'm throwing all the rice in the house into a package to send back in time to do my part. I hope they like Rice-a-Roni in the past! Oh, wait, if I send 2011's quick-cook, flavored rice back in time to famine-stricken Ethiopia, will I create some type of temporal anomaly? Too late, I sent it.

Oh, and also. Sting/Bono. These are the dudes you want dropping guilt bombs. Bono sings the night-silencing shit out of "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you!"

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime.

I dunno, there might be, yo. If anything, they gots mountains there. Kind of beside the point. Stay on track, guys.

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life (Ohhhhhh)

I guess the point is to preserve life, always, but isn't death kind of a gift when you're in a war-torn, drought- and famine-stricken, soon-to-be-visited-by-locusts type of situation? No? O.K. then. Carry on.

Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow.

Hyperbole. We covered this. They kind of make Ethiopia sound a lot like the moon.

Paul Young basically sings half of this song. Was he that big a star in England? You can't give Jody Watley a line? Phil Collins? Way to be stingy with the verses. If we followed your example, we'd be stingy with our rice.

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Yes, probably. They also probably didn't really give two shits, given the situation.

Here's to you--raise a glass for everyone. Here's to them--underneath that burning sun.

Now they're making things sound happy and Christmassy again...and then BAM! They're all like, "There's still a famine, y'all. And it's HOT." Back then we couldn't do a couple quick internet searches and learn that Ethiopia's climate is actually pretty similar to Southern California, very generally speaking. Burning sun, not so much. Well. Maybe to British blokes, that is burning.

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?


Yeah I said they probably do know already, but they really probably do--there are totally Christians in Ethiopia. They have a lot of the same religions we do, you guys! Just no food. In the 80s. Kind of.

Feed the world!
(x4 or so tho it seems like they say it a million times)

Just a terrible chorus. Is this a chorus? Oh, man. Try harder! Make it better! Make it better!

Let them know it's Christmastime again.

Yeah that didn't help. If anything, made it worse.** I was hoping that my rice time anomaly would fix this. Guess not. And now I'm hungry for broccoli au gratin rice and the pantry is empty. Good news tho, you can send Rice-a-Roni back in time with impunity.*** I hope the dinosaurs like Rice-a-Roni, because I'm breaking down "Walk the Dinosaur" next.




*Truly, all musicians are in the same gang.

**Like this article, the song starts off strong, then kind of goes down the ol' Xmas shitter. 

***Yes, I have a time travel machine but the only thing it can do is send rice, particularly Rice-a-Roni, back to the past. Something to do with string theory, and having to brown the rice/pasta mixture before you add the water. Science is so weird. Weird and amazing, a total San Francisco treat!

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Mealtallica

Today, we saw a food truck named after Metallica's Kill 'Em All album, but since the eatery on wheels specialized in serving up burgers, it was called "Grill 'Em All." In honor of the heavy metal-inspired burgermobile, we've come up with some other Metallica-themed food trucks:











Call us, Lars, and we can go into the food truck biz with you. Otherwise, we'll sell these ideas to Napster.

Love,
Hands in the Air

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bad

R.I.P.
Michael Jackson
Musician, Actor, King of Pop
August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009Thriller!

Jason and Jenni, so timely, so filled with class.

Jason: we blew it not going to the michael jackson auction
Jenni: um, ok. i still feel good about not going. being mocked on tour sad-ass blog would probably have driven him to a slightly earlier grave.
Jason: maybe they can actually auction off his stuff now
Jenni: they might have to, no?
Jenni: wuzzent he broke-ass-broke and that's why he was doing those concerts in london next month?
Jenni: which they'll have to refund the money for, i'd say
Jason: but his nose will live on
Jason: who will now succeed the throne of pop?
Jenni: I believe a cage-match style throwdown will decide
Jenni: that's how michael got the throne, and also why prince walks with a limp
Jason: oh, shum on
Jason: all hail justin timberlake, new king of pop
Jenni: yeah he's in shape and shit
Jenni: are people in your office also playing michael jackson music
Jenni: because yay
Jason: no, i still have the charlie's angels theme on repeat
Jenni: classy
Jason: he's touched so many of us. when we were children. gentle, loving caresses.
Jason: so you seeing all these rumors about jeff goldblum being dead, too?
Jenni: saw someone mention it
Jenni:also hearing and seeing that comes in threes thing which totally bugs me
Jason: yeah, when do you start and stop counting?
Jason: cuz david carradine was kinda out there on his own
Jenni: but people say it like it's this fact
Jenni: right
Jenni: i hate it
Jason: it's hazardous out there right now if you're a celebrity. now's not a good time to be fiddling around with auto-erotic asphyxiation
Jenni: and i really hate it when people are like "did you ever notice..." like they thought of it
Jenni: which is like, at least triple stupid
Jason: he's up there now with jesus and his juice
Jenni:Dirty Diana? Really? You are not honoring anyone's legacy if you play a piece of shit song like that.
Jenni: Jesus co-workers, get some sense. i just told my co-worker i was going to go "king of pop a cap in their asses" for playing Michael Jackson music so loudly during work
Jenni: not one thing from Off the Wall, either
Jason: at least Extra and The Insider won't hafta keep milking this ed mcmahon stuff
Jenni: yeah tho I am sort of excited to see what Webster and Macaulay Culkin have to say about it. and just random celebs who happened to be out and about. i love when they don't know and the tv shows ambush them
Jason: i just turned on the news
Jason: sheesh
Jason:it's like 9/11
Jason: poor farrah

Monday, November 24, 2008

Jason Attends American Music Awards, Declares He Is... Sasha Fierce

On Sunday, I spent my second year hanging out in the green room of the American Music Awards for work. No, I don't work as a male escort, caterer or makeup artist, and I actually didn't have much to do, so I spent the whole show Twittering and Facebooking the backstage events.

For those of you who don't subscribe to my twats (I think that's past-tense of twitter), here's the transcript in chronological order:

1:53 PM Nov 23rd
Off to American Music Awards, where I'll be hanging in the green room. To prepare, I've marinated myself in Jack Daniels & Axe Body Spray.

3:08 PM Nov 23rd
Riding shuttle to American Music Awards w/ white dreadlocked catering guy. Oh, how far Soul Asylum has fallen.

3:36 PM Nov 23rd
Escaped confused mob of David Archuleta fans at AMAs. I look nothing like a Monchichi.

4:39 PM Nov 23rd
Just saw Ashley Tisdale, T-Pain and Jamie Foxx at the AMA green room.

4:54 PM Nov 23rd
American Music Awards backstage update: Daughtry and Jamie Foxx just chatted. Neither is very tall.

5:06 PM Nov 23rd
Saw one of Christina Aguilera's female backup dancers up close backstage about 10 mins ago. Yiiiiiiiikes.

5:11 PM Nov 23rd
Watching Weiland getting his makeup done. David Cook and Lance Bass also in the hizzy.

5:16 PM Nov 23rd
Holy crap! Ron Jeremy just showed up backstage. I might be at the wrong awards show...

5:25 PM Nov 23rd
Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block just swung into the green room, fresh from his performance.

5:44 PM Nov 23rd
Why is Billy Ray Cyrus wearing gloves backstage?

5:55 PM Nov 23rd
I'm surprised at how tall David Archuleta is in real life. He must be at least a whopping 5'0! Julianne Hough is the same height.

6:13 PM Nov 23rd
Watching Julianne Hough talk to Daughtry backstage. Redhead Pussycat Doll and Kate Walsh just walked in...

6:22 PM Nov 23rd
Colbie Caillat looks pretty hot in person. She's blinging it backstage with a huuuuge rock on her finger.

6:39 PM Nov 23rd
Ashley Tisdale and Julianne Hough have been chatting backstage at a table for a looong while. Let's hope they make a Disney movie together.

6:42 PM Nov 23rd
Guess I saw The Fray backstage and I didn't know it. Seeing them on the monitor now and still don't know it's them.

6:43 PM Nov 23rd
WTF? Brigitte Nielsen is here?!!?

6:49 PM Nov 23rd
Nick Lachey, Vanessa Minillo and everyone else in the green room is glued to the monitor watching Beyonce perform.

6:53 PM Nov 23rd
The AMA green room is a ghost town now. Julianne Hough, Brigitte Nielsen and everyone else left after Beyonce finished performing.

7:12 PM Nov 23rd
Motley Crue just walked in. Mick Mars is tiny.

7:18 PM Nov 23rd
Sarah McLachlan just entered the AMA green room. She was followed by an ethereal glow, seven angels and a unicorn.

7:41 PM Nov 23rd
Steven Tyler and Richie Sambora are catching up backstage...

7:47 PM Nov 23rd
Joe Perry and Nikki Sixx joined in on the convo. It's monsters of rock back here at the American Music Awards.

8:02 PM Nov 23rd
American Music Awards are over. Time for the afterparty on top of the Nokia garage. Wheeeeee!

Yay, music!
This is a test photo for the new stop-motion Christmas music video I'm working on. Check back in a few weeks to watch it!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Satan Loves Hot Girl-on-Girl Action

If you're gonna go to church, you might as well go to one run by a pastor who writes his sermons while shakin' his moneymaker to the beat of your local KISS, STAR, Z-something or whatever other pop radio station is big in your town. Or maybe not. In Blacklick, Ohio, a homophobic pastor seems to think the whole sapphic sentiment of Katy Perry's chart-topper, "I Kissed a Girl," will damn you straight to hell.

Who knew the taste of cherry chapstick was so evil?
She kissed a girl and I liked it. Then they had a pillowfight in their lingerie and I liked it even more.







Personally, I think hot chicks making out is the best kinda gay there is, but besides that, I have a lotta other problems with this church sign:
  1. In the context of a sign, Katy Perry's lyrics could very well have been something spoken by a dude, which I assume the church wouldn't say would damn you to hell. First base is okay in everyone's book, despite what my harassment record might indicate.

  2. Aren't there worst musical acts to criticize? Like, I don't know, maybe Nickelback? Seriously, those guys must've made a deal with the devil to still be popular for releasing the same crappy song over and over.

  3. As any late-night viewer of Cinemax would agree, there is absolutely nothing wrong with two women locking lips. At least until your roommate walks in unexpectedly and catches you watching Forbidden Co-Ed Confessions. Then it's just plain embarrassing. But it's not a sin. Otherwise God wouldn't have given us that many premium cable movie channels.

  4. Um, this incident happened in a town called "Blacklick."
If the pastor is as uptight as he seems, he could really just swap out the first two lines of his sign with any other lyrics from a current pop song and then just tack on the "then I went to hell" part after it. He might be onto something... Sorta like the how you add "in bed" after reading a fortune cookie fortune. Try it:

Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly"
:
"It starts in my toes, and I crinkle my nose... then I went to hell"

Weezer's "Beverly Hills":
"Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be... then I went to hell"

Anyway, if you're feeling creative, please submit any other song lyrics that would sound good followed by "then I went to hell." Otherwise, I'll see you in hell!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Three Things That Are Outta Control

1. The new, awful Indiana Jones movie
2. The Jonas Brothers
3. The Jonas Brothers' eyebrows


Tuesday, June 03, 2008

R.I.P. Bo Diddley

I was all ready to write some sort of stirring and respectful tribute to Bo Diddley, but it turns out that I was mixing him up with B. B. King, who's totally not dead right now. About all I know about this guy is that he has a cool name and I bet it'd look really awesome on his headstone. So much for me being stirring and respectful.

Bo Diddley
Rock and Roll Legend
December 30, 1928 - June 2, 2008

Friday, April 25, 2008

Announcing Our New Spin-Off Blog!

To coincide with the beginning of movie sequel season (the Harold & Kumar follow-up comes out today!), we're announcing our very own spin-off blog: Hands on Your Ears! This new sister site will be focused on music, and it'll be my dumping ground for my original songs and anything else having to do with aural pleasure. Check out the new blog, take a listen to some songs and see how long you can last before reaching for the mute button.

In the meantime, here are a few of the rejected sequel/spin-off names I came up with before arriving on the final blog name...


Visit Hands on Your Ears at www.handsonyourears.blogspot.com now!


Monday, December 31, 2007

2007 in Review

There are mere hours before we have to retire our Hilary Duff calendar for the year, so it's a good time for me to blog poetic on 2007's best and worst...


Best Comedies of 2007
Pregnancy movies: Knocked Up and Juno, though I actually consider pregnancy movies to be of the horror genre.

Best Semi Truck vs. Fighter Jet Scene in a Movie
Live Free or Die Hard. Strangely enough, it wasn't any scene in Transformers.

Worst Timing Award
  • The release of Things We Lost in the Fire just before the California wildfires began
  • Lynn Spears trying to publish her book on parenting

Guilty-Pleasure Pop CDs of the Year
  • Dignity by Hilary Duff
  • We Are the Pipettes by The Pipettes
  • Headstrong by Ashley Tisdale
    (But NOT the new album by her fellow High School Musical costar Vanessa Hudgens. Well... I'm not a fan of V-Hud's music album, at least. Her personal photo album, though, is an altogether separate matter.)
Restaurant Jingle of the Year
The Outback Steakhouse song ("Let's go Outback tonight...")
I can't get that damn song outta my head. It's based on "Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games" by Of Montreal, but I actually like the digeridoo'd up version better.

Worst Restaurant Name
Pastagina.
I thought this was a symptom of a really bad yeast infection, but I guess it's just a poorly named Italian joint. But did they really need to use a triangle of spaghetti as their logo?

Other restaurant names to avoid: anything ending in "-esticles," "-lamydia" or "-airy nutsack." Also anything rhyming with "Schmapplebee's."

Best Pregnancies
5. Halle Berry
4. Jennifer Lopez
3. Christina Aguilera
2. Jessica Alba
1. Jamie Lynn Spears

Jessica Alba would've topped the charts if I had posted this in early December, but I ended up waiting. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears didn't end up waiting. Good thing for this list.


Top Celebrity Jail Sentences
5. Michelle Rodriguez
4. Keifer Sutherland
3. Lindsay Lohan
2. Nicole Richie
1. Paris Hilton

Paris wins for the blazing the trail and serving all the extra days that her other debutards didn't. Turns out that Lindsay's 84-minute jail term was longer than her movie I Know Who Killed Me lasted in theaters. I guess "overcrowding" wasn't the case in those theaters.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Silent Knight Music Video

It's a Christmas miracle! Check out the very first Hands in the Air music video. It's my cover of "Silent Night" (with a silent "k" added in honor of Knight Rider's David Hasselhoff) starring the HITA gang, Santa and Jesus in a stop-motion fiasco guaranteed to earn me a lump of coal this holiday. It's also a little more "stop" than "motion." Humbug.



In honor of our music video for a song debuted in last year's HITA holiday podcast (we swear Season 2 will debut in 2008), I'm tacking on my best-of list for albums of the year. We'll be posting more best-of lists in the next couple of weeks, but in the meantime, here is some proper music you should be listening to now that you've endured my holiday song and video...

Jason's Top 20 Albums of 2007
(or, "The 'Where's Radiohead?' List")

20. The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
19. Calla - Strength in Numbers
18. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?
17. The Besnard Lakes - The Besnard Lakes Are the Dark Horse
16. Jarvis Cocker - Jarvis
15. Rockfour - Memories That Never Happened
14. The New Pornographers - Challengers
13. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Baby 81
12. Albert Hammond, Jr. - Yours to Keep
11. Lily Allen - Alright Then
10. Stars - In Our Bedroom after the War
9. Peter Bjorn and John - Writer's Block
8. Bloc Party - A Weekend in the City
7. Idlewild - Make Another World
6. Trembling Blue Stars - The Last Holy Writer
5. Maps - We Can Create
4. Sondre Lerche - Phantom Punch
3. The Shins - Wincing the Night Away
2. I'm from Barcelona - Let Me Introduce My Friends
1. Band of Horses - Cease to Begin

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

R.I.P. Quiet Riot Singer Guy

It's the biggest '80s music tragedy since Richard Marx hacked off his mullet: the death of Quiet Riot lead singer Kevin DuBrow last Sunday.

Kevin DuBrow
Quiet Riot lead singer
October 29, 1955 - November 25, 2007
The only way for some '80s headbangers to make it
back into the news is to die. Take note, heavy metal has-beens.
I'm talking to you, Kip Winger and the
dude who sings "The Final Countdown."

Now while your fists are raised at half mast and your heads are bowed at medium-bang for Mr. DuBrow (appropriately rhymes with "da 'fro"), it's worth noting that I haven't posted an R.I.P. tribute in about two months, so I've overlooked some other seemingly noteworthier deaths. Joey Bishop. Norman Mailer. Deborah Kerr. No, the "Cum on Feel the Noize" singer is more in line with our readership. Plus, Pavarotti just couldn't belt it out with the Muppet-pitched ferocity of DuBrow, and mime Marcel Marceau (rest in peace in your invisible box) was just a little too quiet and not enough riot.


Monday, April 16, 2007

R.I.P. Don Ho and Some Other Guys

Hawaiian entertainer Don Ho died of a heart attack on Saturday, despite having pacemaker surgery last September. A star of music and TV, Ho was known for crooning "Tiny Bubbles," a song that, as it turns out, doesn't happen to be about farting in a bathtub. The song will never quite sound as classy without Ho.

And sadly, with Ho's passing also comes the end of me being able to use the word "Ho" so indiscriminately without referencing Don Imus.

Don Ho
Singer/Entertainer
August 13, 1930 - April 14, 2007Don Ho has gone on to the big luau in the sky.
Rest assured, he won't be buried with an apple in his mouth.


They say that death comes in threes, so as an added bonus (if there's such thing as a death bonus), here are two extra recent dead guy tributes!


Kurt Vonnegut
Author
November 11, 1922 - April 11, 2007Insert Cliffs Notes version of some sort of snarky yet literary remark here.

Johnny Hart
"B.C." Cartoonist/"The Wizard of Id" Co-creator
February 18, 1931 - April 7, 2007
If you're to believe the Geico cavemen ads, cavemen would
probably forego comics like "B.C." for Kurt Vonnegut.
Freakin' nerds in loincloths...

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Up Your Nose with Keith Richards' Dad

In the live-fast/die-young industry of music, there are only a few infamous acts of excess that truly qualify as being "rock-n-roll": Led Zeppelin violating a groupie with a mudshark; Ozzy Osbourne biting the head off a bat; Sting getting tantric with 14 straight hours of boinking; Phil Collins relieving a dry spell with a month-long session of nonstop masturbation; Enya and Celine Dion shooting Oates "just to see a man die" while Hall looked on in horror.

OK, so maybe some of those incidents never really happened (Phil Collins didn't limit himself to just a mere 30 days of vigorous self-pleasuring), but Keith Richards' latest revelation also turned out to be a big wankfest. On Monday, it was reported that the Rolling Stones guitarist mixed some cocaine with his late father's cremated remains so he could snort a noseful of dad and smack. Yesterday, Richards said he was just joking.

A junkie tries to score a kilo of dead guy from Keith Richards.
Yes, that's Keith on the right and not the aforementioned "dead guy."


So it was all a lie. With his admission, Richards instantly loses his rock-n-roll cred, and it has simultaneously put the kibosh on our up-and-coming side business of pushing baggies of dead guy ashes and manufacturing urn-bongs. That would've totally rawked.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Shave 4 U

Britney is bald! After a year of dominating entertainment news by dropping her husband/baby/panties, Britney Spears has resorted to a new ploy to land herself on the front pages of the tabloids by shaving her head. The stunt is almost taking some of the limelight away from Anna Nicole, who even in death is still able to snag the top story on Extra.

As Steve puts it, "Britney's carpet finally matches the drapes."

In a time when other stars are sporting hairpieces to cover up their baldness (see Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider), Brit is bravely going Brazilian up top. Sure, Natalie Portman has already done that for V for Vendetta, but in a show of support for Britney, the Hands in the Air gang will be cue-balling it Britney-style for the day...

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

2006 in Review, Part 1

There's less than a week left in 2006, so it's time to take a look back at the past 360-odd days. Here are some of my random picks for the highlights and lowlights of '06:

Disturbing Trend of the Year:
Authors without Shame

  • Bestselling author James Frey admits to Oprah that he fabricated his memoir, A Million Little Pieces

  • How Harvard student Kaavya Viswanathan plagiarized a novel, lost a movie deal and got caught

  • Jason, Jenni, Steve and Chris begin writing this blog and launch a companion podcast
Even Father Time wastes half a checkbook making that stupid mistake.

Silliest New Words of the Year:

Best New Phrases of the Year:

Worst New Phrases of the Year:

  • "Lock the Cashbox/Stop the Catbox"
    This is from that dumb phone ad where two guys are singing the wrong lyrics to The Clash's "Rock the Casbah." Somehow they managed to download the song by name, but they still couldn't make the connection that the title lyric was being sung in the chorus. That's just lazy joke writing, Madison Avenue.

  • "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"
    NBC's motto for Heroes didn't quite turn out to be the t-shirt/bumper sticker slogan it was hyped to be. No matter how many times the phrase was ominously whispered at the end of the show with eerie reverb effects, it still sounded superstupid rather than superheroic.

Annoying Trend of the Year:
Random people making awful Borat impressions
The real Borat is funny, but why do unfunny people insist on imitating him? Very niiice? No, not at all.

Baffling Movie Phenomenon of the Year:
High School Musical
I have no idea why a story about singing co-eds became one of the biggest TV movies and DVDs of the year

Movie Phenomenon of the Year That Wasn't:
Snakes on a Plane

The movie delivered everything it promised! What more do you want, America? Singing snakes in varsity jackets?

Best Song of the Year:
"Phantom Limb" - The Shins
The full album, Wincing the Night Away, doesn't come out until January 23, 2007, but the lead single is already my favorite song of this year

15 Favorite Albums of the Year:

  1. The Life Pursuit - Belle & Sebastian
  2. Hearts and Unicorns - Giant Drag
  3. Everything All the Time - Band of Horses
  4. The Crane Wife - The Decemberists
  5. Mr. Beast - Mogwai
  6. Cansei de Ser Sexy - CSS
  7. Carnavas - Silversun Pickups
  8. You in Reverse - Built to Spill
  9. The Electricity in Your House Wants to Sing - i am robot and proud
  10. Show Your Bones - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
  11. Duper Sessions - Sondre Lerche and the Faces Down Quartet
  12. I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass - Yo La Tengo
  13. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
  14. The Audience's Listening - Cut Chemist
  15. The Eraser - Thom Yorke
Some Notable Deaths in 2006:
James Brown, Gerald Ford, Steve Irwin, Joseph Barbera, Coretta Scott King, Aaron Spelling, Don Knotts, Lou Rawls, Chris Penn, Robert Altman, Peter Boyle, Mickey Spillane, Desmond Dekker, Shelley Winters, Dennis Weaver, Peter Benchley, Darren McGavin, Jack Palance, Oleg Cassini, Buck Owens, Billy Preston, Wilson Pickett, Eddie the dog from TV's Frasier, Maureen Stapleton, H.R. Pufnstuf kid Jack Wild, Gerald Levert, Mike Douglas, Tamara Dobson (Cleopatra Jones), Syd Barrett, The Breakfast Club principal Paul Gleason, Ed Bradley, Chef on South Park, UPN, The WB

Britney Spears' To-Do List 2007:
Learn how to be a good mom
Learn how to pick a good husband
Learn how to wear panties in public

______

Saturday, December 23, 2006

R.I.P. Tower Records

Tower Records stores have officially closed their doors forever. Worldwide, there have been three mammoth chains of deep-catalog CD stores (Tower Records, HMV and the Virgin Megastore; "CD stores" that also have washing machine departments don't count), and Tower was always the dumpiest of the bunch. But that's probably what gave the store its rock-'n'-roll cred. And while HMV, Virgin and local chains like California's Amoeba Records or Seattle's Easy Street Records will fill the void for music fans, Tower Records and its awful ketchup-and-mustard logo will be sorely missed.
Tower Records
1960 - 2006Merry Christmas! I just bought your gift for $2,
but I'm keeping the $18.99 price tags on them so you think I care 90% more!

Since October, Tower has been clearing out its stock. First, the stores marked inventory down by 10%, then 20%, then 30%. In the past few days, all CD prices took a nosedive to 80% off until the final days when all CDs were $2 or less.

It's staggering how picked-over the store was in its final days on life support. Pretty much every CD or DVD you've remotely heard of was gone from the shelves. Sadly, I don't think I've ever bought as many CDs than I did during Tower's final months of close-out prices. I can't resist a bargain. Never before have I been so excited to buy CDs by bands I'm only mildly excited about.

This past Thursday, I visited the store on Sunset Boulevard (pictured above) in West Hollywood for cheapie Christmas gifts, and there was really nothing left over that was worth buying. Seriously, who knew Tower carried so many whale song CDs or Spanish-language DVDs? If you know any Mexican sailors, I've got a gift bag I can sell you.


Special contest! If you're the first commenter to identify all 5 CDs Jason is holding in the photo, you'll get mentioned in our sidebar. That's the best prize I can give you after buying too many unspectacular CDs for spectacular prices.



Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Jason Goes to American Music Awards, Redefines "Fergalicious"

The American Music Awards ceremony was held this past Tuesday, and I was somehow able to attend the show and after-party. Through my fancy-pants job, I got to hang out in the green room for the entire show, so I rubbed elbows with almost all of the American Music Award presenters and performers before they hit the stage. Here's the scoop on the backstage dirt...


  • Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie did a lot of talking together, as did Christian Slater and William Shatner. Not a lot of crossover between those two worlds, though, I guess.
  • Even though he was introducing them, Tony Hawk said he'd never heard The Pussycat Dolls' music. Some of us should be so lucky.
  • Tender Paris Hilton moment: When Paris entered the green room and was greeted with "Hey, Silly!" by Nicole Richie. They really are friends!
  • Creepy Paris Hilton moment: Paris inviting all the celebrity backstagers to "another house party" of hers, resulting in her actually extending the invitation to Taylor Hicks.
  • Bizarre Paris Hilton moment: Paris phoning someone to pick her up and having to repeat "This is Paris" five times.
  • Fallout Boy was asked to perform their hit song but didn't want to do old material so they threw together a new song for the show. It was only two weeks old and sounded like it.
  • The blond kid from the cast of High School Musical was the only celebrity who threw away his plastic plates and water bottles rather than waiting for the caterers to do it. He actually bussed the table for the rest of his castmates, too. It's good to know some actors are bracing themselves for waitstaff careers.
For the official after-party at the Shrine, it seemed like almost all of the celebrities ditched it for bigger and better shindigs. Word on the street was that Jay-Z was having his own party. Maybe for his re-un-retirement.

The Shrine ballroom apparently wasn't decorated as opulently as it had been for past events like the Emmys. It resembled a school gym having some sort of "Jazz Night." I spotted only a handful of stars at the party:
  • Aly & AJ, who were making a pretty early exit
  • The cast of High School Musical, who I'm pretty sure are all too young to attend any of the better parties anyways
  • Joe Francis, or as one woman boldly declared within earshot of the two ladies he had in tow, "There's that jerk from Girls Gone Wild."
I actually saw a middle-aged woman excitedly getting her photo taken with Joe Francis. That just seemed wrong to me. Damn. Now that I think of it, I totally should've lifted up my shirt for them. Maybe next year.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Things That Go Kerplunk!

They taught you how to pogo to songs about masturbation and now the band Green Day is teaching kids how to stay alive. This past Sunday, Green Day was credited with saving a 12-year-old girl from getting blown to bits. According to reports, Ruby Wilson found a live grenade in her yard and was only able to identify it because she had a picture of the explosive on her Green Day t-shirt for the American Idiot album.


So this kid didn’t know what a grenade looked like until she went to her local Hot Topic to buy a band shirt? Sure, I couldn't exactly tell who was with "stupid" until the t-shirts came along, but if it takes Green Day to help you with basic weapon identification then maybe evolution meant for you to be blasted to smithereens.

In other news, I narrowly avoided eating what appeared to be a leftover piece of Almond Roca in a kitty litter box after recognizing it from Green Day’s Dookie album.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Yanni: Reflections of Downtown

New Age or New Rage? On Friday, March 10, new age keyboard tinkler Yanni was arrested in Florida for allegedly hitting his girlfriend. Now, domestic violence is no laughing matter, but you've gotta allegedly admit that Yanni getting taken downtown is a pretty funny thought.

Did he insist that his mugshot make him look introspective, complete with hair blowing in the wind and eyes cast downward? His rap sheet would read, "First name: Yanni. Last name: None. Eyes: Smoldering."

Guilty or not, Yanni must be a lawyer's dream. I submit to the court Exhibit A: the complete Yanni collection on CD. Would the guy responsible for such snoozers titled "Almost a Whisper," "Whispers in the Dark" and "Written in the Wind" risk his pansy mustache getting thrown in the clink? If you're capable of writing "Reason for Rainbows," could you possibly be capable of violence? Answer: Only if there was a war in unicorn town.


In his defense, Yanni issued this statement through his manager: "These allegations are cruel, false, without merit and baseless. At a more appropriate time and place, I hope and pray I will have an opportunity to address my fans and colleagues all over the world." Now, that doesn't sound like the dew-drenched dreamwoven statement I'd expect from an epic soundscaper like Yanni.

If I were his manager, I'd release a more new age statement: "Of chantilly ribbons have these allegations been made, for they are flimsy and full of holes. Upon gossamer wings shall justice soar and so shall Yanni's name be cleared like storm-beaten clouds in the wake of the sun's return. Dare to dream!" Now, that's a Yanni that should be put behind bars.