CSI: My Hammy

I am liveblogging like a tree in the forest that is falling but nobody gives a shit, therefore it doesn't make a sound. And doesn't fall? This tree ain't doing shit. Love, Jenni.


9 PM PST

(assume if it's not been attributed to anyone, Jenni did it)

We don't watch CSI: Original Flava, and we don't know what the HELL is going on.

But you know what will get us watchin' damn near any show?

JUSTIN BIEBER, BITCHES.

This is probs some random shit we gon' type because come on now. COME ON NOW.

Why is someone choking Cowboy Curtis? Ain't right. He's a good man.


9:05 PM

OKAY YOU GUYS 5 minutes in, ain't no Bieber in my TV yet. The fuck?

The one white guy looks old. I just yelled out "He look old."

Okay, cockroaches at a funeral, tacky to say the least.


9:11 PM

Helgenberger's yellin' her ass off. It's called acting, kids. Take notes.

Morphine clouds my thinking, too, Cowboy Curtis. That's why I like it.

Whurr. The fuck. Is Bieber. ?


9:15

Are the villains always this fucking uggo on this show? Damn.

Nice accent girlo. Begosh, begora.


"Where's Bieber?" is the current catchphrase in our house.  This is some bullshit right here. There are some teenage girls gon be pissed, y'all.


 9:22

I THOUGHT THIS SHOW WAS ABOUT CRIME WHUT IS WIF ALLA TALKING?

9:28

FUCKING FINALLY. BIEBER.

Jason: That's not Bieber. That's Chaz Bono.

Jason: I don't think the Bieber haircut is a redneck haircut.
Jenni: You might be a redneck if you think that.

9:34

Steve: The Toyman blew up a funeral?

How crazy would it be to work in an office as fucking dark as CSI Vegas? Nutso.


9:40

The Biebs is acting his bangs off.

Jason: What is this, a Jamiroquai video? Where are they?

I think casting Justin Bieber as anti-establishment is perfect, considering his hair and all.


Has there been a national discussion about how those Bing commercials don't make any fucking sense whatsofuckingever? How many Americans could do a true stream-of-consciousness blur of FACTS?


 9:48

 Do people really like watching all this crippity crap about bomb parts and whatever? UGH bored bored bored.


9:51

Some old guy is visiting Cowboy Curtis in the hospital and gives him a pretty righteous stick. I don't know why a CSI professor of cowboy studies needs a stick, but a'ight den. It's a nice gesture. Everyone loves a stick.

I wish I knew the names of some Justin Bieber songs so I could make jokes that made sense. But there is just nothing to joke about here. Justin Bieber has some serious acting chops, and this episode of CSI is not boring in the least. No, it's fascinating and there is just a lot of talent on display.

I like how this is about a bomber or several bombers but they don't think when they visit crime scenes or bomber houses "Oh, shit could be wired to blow" right away and then they're like,  "Oh yeah duh, that is what bombers does. I almost forgot. Policework, so difficult, so many things to remembs."

JUSTIN BIEBER'S SMILE, THIS TIME INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO CREEP YOU OUT.

Wait one minit. Am I gonna haves to tune in next weeks? Clever CSI. I will not be turning in next weeks. I have to rewatch Hawaii 5-0 like 25 times instead.

And thus concludes the liveblog. I hope someone besides me reads this. Ok I read it back. Maybe it's all right if it just fades away, like the trees in the forest.

Bloodfuckers: A Twilight Viewing Party Liveblog

Since everything Twilight is still red-hot right now (err...right? Plagiarism accusations [false as it turns out], who Robert Pattinson is dating--this shit pollutes my Insider and Entertainment Tonight alla time, stealing precious airtime from Donny Osmond, Susan Boyle and Octomom, and apparently for Entertainment Weekly it's news every time one of the stars farts) we're doing another of our classic pointless liveblogs.

We're watching it on Blu-Ray so as not to miss any of the awesomeness and it's BD Live-enabled, which makes me wish we could watch it with some random lonely teenage girls but all of Jason's girlfriends were busy tonite.


Rated PG-13 for some violence and _a_ scene of sexuality...

Jason: I can only make it through one scene of sexuality before getting really sleepy and disinterested.

Movie starts...

Jenni: Shh don't tell the guys, but I will just be randomly saying "vampire" throughout the movie (like in the trailer) to annoy them.

Jason: Ugh. (Because he thinks Jacob is Ug, which he is.)

The ugly kid who plays Jacob says, in the movie, "We used to make mudpies when we were little."

Steve: Is that a euphemism? Probably for anal.

Dude just said "Chillax"

Steve: Did he just say chillax?

Jason: That's stupidiculous.

Jason: This is a very accurate depiction of what high school in Washington is like. OK, also, wherever this school is, there wouldn't be black kids. There are no black kids in the woods in Washington.

Jenni: I still think it's silly that these vampires go to high school.

Steve: And they all look 30. I don't think the cops are going to pick them up for truancy.

We're at the part where Bella sits next to Edward in science class and he's acting like he's gonna barf.

Jason: This is shot like a fucking Mexican telenovela, with the close-ups and the staring.

Steve: Maybe tomorrow you'll take a shower, bitch.

The golden onion (um, this teacher has a golden onion)

Steve: Good thing it's not garlic.

Jason: So they play Quidditch with that, right?

Steve: Now she looks like she wants his cock real bad.

The only black kid in town almost hits Bella with his car.

Steve: You'd think the only black kid in town would be more careful with that shit.

Edward says "Bella, we shouldn't be friends."

Steve: Fuck buddies?

Jason: Why do vampires all have such great hair? They all have fancy hair.
Jenni: Well. Hm. Hair is dead, vampires are dead. There's a connection there, maybe?

Lunchroom hotness:

Edward: What if I'm not the hero. What if I'm the bad guy.

Jenni: Even better.

Bella: Why don't we just hang out?

Jason: ...of our clothes.

Bella: Everyone's going to the beach. Come.

Jason: ...in my vagina.

Bella: I mean, have fun.

Jason: In my vagina.

Edward: Which beach?

Bella: La Push.

Jason: ...La Push la penis in la vagina.

At the beach, the longhaired Indians walk up.

Steve: Seriously, is there a barber on the reservation?
Jason: They have long hair, that's how you know they're Indians.

Flashback to the past with the Cullens hunting in olde-tyme clothes

Jason: I'm glad they're all hunting in their finest Little Rascals gear.

Guy in boat with red cap and green shirt is being stalked by a vampire.

Steve: Not child molester Santa!

Bella and Edward talk to Bella's gal pals outside the restaurant. Edward: I think I should make sure Bella gets something to eat.

Jason: Cock.

Edward: If you'd like. I'll drive you home myself.

Jason: I'll drive my cock into you.

Jenni: I'll let you work the stick shift.

Bella: Yeah, I should eat something.

Jason: Cock.

Jenni: I've got some homemade cream sauce you can try.

Bella's dad gives her a can of mace or pepper spray or something.

Jenni: That's the weirdest dildo I've ever seen.

Steve: I thought it was lubricant.

Edward is making Bella say he's a vampire. He's forever 17 (my second-favorite mall store).

Jenni: That's awesome. Eternal jailbait.

Edward: Say it.

Jenni: On my cock.

Edward takes Bella up the mountain.

Jason: Super fast piggyback ride! Sweet!

Edward reveals his glitter skin. Edward: It's the skin of a killer.

Jason: Or a West Hollywood party boy.

Edward: I was born to kill.

Jenni (for Bella): I was born to suck cock. I don't see a problem here.

Edward tells Bella he wanted to suck her blood sooooo bad. Edward: I wanted to kill you. I have never wanted a human's blood so much in my life.

Jason (for Bella): Suck on my tampon.

Edward is explaining that Carlisle has super restraint for not totally sucking the blood out of people including himself.

Steve: So Carlisle is an expert at pulling out.

Jason: Yeah, but he squirts the blood all over their face or back.

Bella's dad's Indian friend comes to visit.

Jason: Wait, so that's a wheelchair werewolf?

Steve: If he becomes a werewolf can he actually walk?

Jenni: No, but his wheelchair is furry.

Jason: It's like those dogs who don't have back legs and have wheels instead.

Edward and Bella are relaxing in her room.

Steve: So if he breaks her hymen, would he just go nuts?

Jenni: No. She's probably had her period so he's smelled her blood already.

Steve: Yeah, but hymen blood is the freshest, most pure blood.

Jenni: What? No, it isn't.

Steve: If his penis a vampire, too, and it would just drink the hymen blood?

Jenni: No.

Steve: Where does the blood for a vampire boner come from? Does he have to feed right before he's going to do it?

Jenni: Not if his vampire dick can just drink up some fresh hymen blood to keep it going.

And then the bad vampires show up and there is just not a lot of room for dick and hymen jokes. Kind of sad.

Bella checks her pepper spray outside the ballet studio.

Steve: Is there garlic in there?

Jenni: And holy water.

Jason: Yeah.

Jenni: And nun's piss. I'm pretty sure nun's piss is deadly to vampires.
So the prom. Jacob's all in love with Bella, too.

Jenni: Vampires, werewolves--Bella's like a Halloween hoochie. The books might have been better if in each book she got a new monster to fall in love with her. I only read the first one (I know, I know--eeew) so maybe that does happen.


Yeah, so that movie wasn't actually all that bad. Not super good or nuffin' but we've watched way, way worse.

Jason: That was beautiful. Don't type that.

Unnecessary Liveblog: Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss

So we were trolling Netflix looking for something to sign up for, and we found Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss, which is Shakespeare performed by seals. It sounded unbelievably stupid, so I said we should watch it and liveblog it.

We were hoping they'd club themselves or each other to death in the pivotal scene. But, upon watching the previews, it's apparent this has a happy ending and a wedding, so, no go.

The thing is, we've been busy so we've had the DVD sitting in front of our TV for about two months, maybe more, we've sort of lost track. On one hand, you could say we've been keeping this movie from kids who really want to see it. But on the other, we're actually sort of heroes--we saved kids the pain, at least for a little while. You're welcome, kids.

This post is totally disjointed because Jenni wrote a lot of it including most of the beginning and the bits at the end, then Steve took over, then we tried to fold in Jason's remarks he was doing separately because Jenni was too upset to keep liveblogging. Honestly, if the guy who made this movie can't be arsed to have his movie make sense, we'll be goddamned if we'll make the liveblog we're posting almost a month after we liveblogged make sense. But you know, the few times we say something funny in this post makes this post about a billion times more entertaining than this movie. Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss a tragedy, but not in the sense the original Romeo and Juliet is.

Jason: So we probably ruined summer vacation for entertainment-starved kids by keeping this Netflix for over two months. It took us this long to finally watch this.

Steve: What if seeing this movie was some Make-A-Wish Foundation kid's final wish, and we ruined it by not returning the DVD?

The disc's preview for the same company's Captain Sabertooth is a PG rating with the descriptor "Mild Adventure." To which Jenni said, you know, normally the MPAA doesn't make judgments but in this case they wanted to warn people about the movie, yet they wanted to be nice about it.

Just a quick snapshot of the movie: The Capulets are white seals, the Montagues are brown. So it takes the classic story and sticks a cruddy layer of social commentary on it, which, nice one. They live side-by-side in an astoundingly ugly, oddly colored place with bizarre geography. Oh, and the script will give you an ulcer.

Steve: The brown seal looks like a pile of shit with eyes.

Jenni (watching the preview): I think the sound is mono. (It was.)

Steve: Seriously, when the seals kiss it looks like a pile of shit kissing a snowman.

Jason: This is perhaps the most perfect movie experience in the whole world. I can't believe we're denying kids this movie for their summer vacation.

Jenni: The seals all sound like they're burping when they talk.

Mercutio is quoting other Shakespeare plays. Awesome.

Jason: Seriously, so they're just going to drop in other Shakespeare lines?

Steve: Oh my fucking God, does he really only talk in lines from other Shakespeare plays?

So the brown and white seals are fighting. So then a big green blob seal (?) comes out of the sea in a burst of red and orange light and he's all pissed that all the seals are fighting or something? And they're all scared and he tells them he'll banish them to Shark Island? And he's a prince?

So then Romeo's on a rock like the Little Mermaid and he's bummed out.

Jason: Why is Romeo so emo?

Jenni: Oh fuck me now they're doing shitty doo woppy semi-song (Jason's favorite band is called Semi-song) and Romeo's sort of talk singing...what the hellephant?

The song ends, finally.

Jenni: That was so poorly done.

Steve: I think they used only music they didn't have to license.

Jenni: Was this made in America? This doesn't seem American.

Jason: They should do "Hamlet" next, but with baby pigs. Get it? Ham-let? This movie is giving me cancer.

Jenni: Mercutio keeps calling them sea lions so they're not even seals? what the FUCK? I am so pissed.

The fact that they're apparently sea lions and yet the movie is called "Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss" pretty much tells you all you need to know about this production. I can't even express how much this sucks. If you hate your kids, but you don't want to get a visit from child services, you should just get this and make them watch it. I guarantee it will hurt them a lot more than a smack or two across the face or a cigarette burn ever could.

Honestly, so early in we were so stunned and upset we just kind of sat there, making random exclamations when something really stood out.

Jenni: What the FUCK is THAT?

On seeing the friar who we think is an otter. Maybe.

Jason: We need to tally up how many fucking times we say "What the fuck?" while watching this fucking movie.

The friar had to consult his magical underwater sammich-making bowl before he would agree to marry Romeo and Juliet. Apparently he was afraid the marriage would cause a sea lion apocalypse or something.

Ewww! Sea lion make-out session.

Jason: Mercutio tells lonely Romeo about all the hot sea lionesses out there and how it's a "veritable seafood buffet." Insert your clam-eating/pearl necklace/diving/crabs joke here.

Jason: Whenever the seals start "running" or stop suddenly, you hear the stock sound effect of screeching tires. Or is that the sound of Shakespeare rolling in his grave?

Jenni: How do you make the sound of a speeding seal if not a car?

Jason: Well, yeah...

Jenni: Yeah, next time think before you talk.

Jason: Fucking club me now! The seals are re-enacting the Titanic "I'm king of the world" scene on the bow of a cruise ship. Should've been an oil rig, cuz it would've been awesome if they oil-slicked themselves to death for their suicides.

Jason: The orange baby fish just asked Romeo and Juliet if they're gonna have any babies. Then the fish warned how they can't get married cuz one's a Capulet and one's a Montague. Thanks for moving the plot along, fish. Now get us to the end credits, Nemo wannabe.

Jenni: So, will they have tan babies, or what? Beige?

An annoying goldfish wants to be adopted by the seals. Oh, shit, she just figured out this marriage is forbidden, so she's over it. Don't seals, like, eat fish?

Jenni: I like how it's trying to make a point, but it's buried in so much horseshit, you can't tell what it is.

Apparently all of the local sea life are a bunch of intolerant pricks who can't stand a brown seal dancing with a white seal.

Oh, surprise. The Capulet dad seal who always falls down, fell down again. It gets funnier every time it happens.

A seal just died by falling into the water. Yes, seriously.

It looks like Romeo and the morbidly obese seal might be dead. Oh no, they're fine since they landed safely on the hard sand instead of in that deadly water like Mercutio.

Romeo really loves Juliet. For instance, if the fat, ugly Prince just told him to go to Shark Island, he wouldn't just go with absolutely no fight. Oh, wait, he just did that.

Apparently the Prince is cool with bigamy. He's about to marry Juliet. And now he's wearing a tuxedo complete with top hat and cane. And now he's wearing an Admiral uniform and driving a boat. No wonder he's the Prince. He's singing a song about being hot with child-voiced starfish singing the chorus of "He's so hot!" and it's easily one of the most painful, pointless moments in a painful, pointless movie.

Jenni: Are they shitting us with that? What the fuck was that? I'm getting upset now. I've gone through the whole gamut of emotion.

The annoying goldfish doesn't like water. Apparently it's "too wet." Yeah.

Jenni: You know how sometimes you talk to an old person and they say some crazy shit and you're like "what the fuck are they talking about?" And then you talk to a little kid and they're trying to explain like an episode of SpongeBob to you or something and it doesn't make any fucking sense? This is like that, like if you took a crazy old person and a four-year-old, and had them write a script.

Apparently there are no sharks on Shark Island. What the fuck?

Jenni: What's with the magic lava bowl of prophecy? It looks like what my grandmother makes hot sauce in.

Wait, Mercutio just showed up. Is he alive or is he a ghost? How very Shakespearean.

The friar just dropped the unconscious (faking death) Juliet like a sack of potatoes. And then tripped on her on his way to the ocean.

Oh great, the otter just found the only fucking shark in the whole ocean and guess where the shark isn't -- that's right, Shark Island.

Jenni: I'm starting to believe that the people who made this movie have never actually SEEN a movie before.

Shit just got real. You know how? That's right, black and white for the seal romance scene.

Okay, now the otter is rapping at the shark. The music in this movie is probably the worst thing about it. Have I said that already?

The little goldfish is now unfunnily quoting Schwarzenegger movies. Oh, a bunch of little fish are spanking a big, hungry shark into submission. Yeah, great.

Jenni: This is a level of terrible that I have never encountered before. It's amazing.

Now we're treated to a sad, royalty-free version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"

Oh shit, Mercutio really IS alive. Thank God, more misplaced Shakespeare quotes from other plays.

The movie is treating this like oh, so sad, but we all know they're not dead. What the hell?

Oh, they've been hiding a fat pink seal with cleavage. It's probably the Prince's twin sister, but he seems okay with boning her instead of Juliet, so happy endings all around.

Jason: This just ruined movies for me.

Jenni: It's going to be a while before I can trust again.

The annoying goldfish is pointing out the plotholes in her own goddamn movie. Also, apparently she's a kissing fish named Kissy.

Steve: Do you guys want to watch "The Making Of"?

Jenni: Yes, I want to put faces to my hate.

Jason: I want to see them polishing a turd.

Jenni: I think it's like a rock tumbler, you put in poop and it comes out the other side as reels of film.

Jason: Do you realize how many movies we could have had from Netflix?

Jenni: They could replace waterboarding with this movie.

Jenni: This is like a Mr. Rogers "How Does Spaghetti Get Made."

Apparently, one guy made this by himself and his kids were a lot of the voices/singers, including the nonsense-spouting Kissy fish. YOU DON'T SAY. Like, I'll give you a few points for gumption and effort, but yeesh. It's sort of heartbreaking when you think about it, so I'm going to stop thinking about it.

Rent it from Netflix...IF YOU DARE. But don't let your kids watch it, that's just mean.

Liveblogging the Oscars 2008

Once again I am keeping this post in chronological order due to laziness and the fact that we didn't tell anyone that we were doing this. Besides, I am putting times on so you can figure out what's what.

5:26: Yeah so I didn't feel like bothering with the pre-show. I mostly didn't watch it, because it was super boring and sucky.

Tho Regis did just call Javier Bardem "Xavier Bardem" so that was pretty good.

5:30 This is a kind of awful...no, really awful opening. A CG Hollywood with a truck driving thru it, and all types of characters from movies appearing on the streets. The effects don't work for me, and really, neither does the concept. Apparently our governor drives the UPS-style truck that delivers the statuettes. That part, 100% accurate. It's weird when Hollywood lets a little reality enter into the fantasy.

5:33 Jon Stewart makes the obligatory comments about the strike. Out of respect for the writers, I'll strike any comments I have about all this.

5:38 Oh Diablo Cody, way to pay tribute to your stripper past via your Oscar dress.

5:39 Did there really have to be an opening monologue? Couldn't they have taken a pass on it this year due to time constraints?

5:40 Okay, that was actually a good joke about female and Black presidents signifying it's the future in movies.

5:42 I like seeing the sketches for costume design. I LOVE seeing the crazy getups the costume designers often put themselves in. My, but costume designers are unique souls. The lady who did Elizabeth: The Golden Age wins.

Is this bit o' Oscar history (for some reason I started typing "Shitory") with Barbara Streisand is a glimpse of what would have been? Or is it really just 'cause it's the 80th anniversary? Yes to both? I actually like the shitory uh history stuff. Why do I keep typing that? What's wrong with me?

5:48 I like the touch of glimmer in George Clooney's suit.

5:51 The new media joke was cute enough and was that iPhone deal a product placement or whut?

5:53 Well I guess that Get Smart move will be AWESOME just look at the chemistry between Carell and Hathaway! Ratatouille wins Animated Feature.

5:57 Too much blush Katherine Heigl! And when presenting a Makeup award! No wonder you were nervous. The peeps from La Vie En Rose win.

6:08 The Visual Effects category presented by Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock, Motherfuckers, I'm a Serious Actor Now" Johnson. The dudes who worked on The Golden Compass win.

6:11 There's really nothing bitchy to say about Art Direction. It's weird, you know, for any movie with any type of budget, I have to feel sorry for the artists who do things like Art Direction, makeup, really everything except direction, writing and acting, because they generally do a good job and then it's in support of a movie like Thirteen Ghosts or some shit. It's got to be kind of shitty to be them sometimes, all that work for what is truly just a big pile of crap. Anyway, the peeps for Sweeney Todd win.

6:15 Supporting Actor. I love the smug look you sometimes get from actors when they cut back to them after showing a clip of their performance during these damn things. How about that look from Philip Seymour Hoffman, like they just listed off the number of starving AIDS babies and grandmothers he saved with the power of his fucking mind instead of just showing some shitty scene from Charlie Wilson's War. I bet he thought he was acting all humble and shit.

Javier Bardem wins. I bet whoever has to transcribe the acceptance speeches is saying "Fuck You Javier Bardem, this is no country for giving a speech in Spanish" right about now. Aww.

6:23 Ahh, so I guess all these history things were gonna be the bulk of the show had the strike continued. Glad that's cleared up.

6:28 Somehow this movie August Rush completely slipped by me. I can't say I feel too bad about that.

6:28 (but later) Brave Owen Wilson presents the Live Action Short Film category. Brave because there are a lot of foreign names and whatev, but also becuz he tried to kill himself or something but he still gets up there and does it, man, he's doin' his thing. Some dude with some movie about Le Mozart des Pickpockets wins.

6:32 Animated Short Film...is it me or is there a Peter and the Wolf thing like every few years? I feel that's true with nothing to back it up. It wins, anyway.

6:35 Best Supporting Actress. What the hell kind of reaction was Ruby Dee giving there after her clip played? She looked, as the British say, "gobsmacked." Or something. Tilda Swinton wins. There are a lot of one-armed dresses in effect this year. Hers is very scary and frumptacular. Her speech is pretty good tho, with the Batman suit joke and whatev. Also, she is so extra white. Amazingly, brilliantly white. Skeery.

6:46 You know who isn't hot? James McAvoy. You know who else? Josh Brolin. I am LOVING these images of most of the nominees typing to show that they were writing the scripts for Adapted Screenplay. Joel and Ethan Coen win.

6:51 John Travolta says "Hither to this point." Which, I mean, who talks like that? And then someone, I don't know who, says "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you" which is one of my least favorite things that people say. I really hate that.

6:53 Miley Cyrus!!! For the kids in the heezy!! You know she just legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus (from Destiny Hope Cyrus). The "Ray" is a tribute to her daddy. Or whatever. You know what's a better tribute to your daddy? Keeping the fucking name he gave you.

Note to self: change name.

7:03 The Bourne Ultimatum peoples win for Best Sound Editing. Rad ponytail, sound editor dude!

7:05 Look! Sound Mixers at work! My GOD that's fascinating! They like, look really intense into space and you can tell they're thinking and really working, man, and then they push things on a board and then they look at each other to say, "Well mixed, my friend. Well mixed." Different Bourne Ultimatum peoples win this one.

7:10 Are people still wearing AIDS ribbons, Julie Christie? Just asking. Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress.

7:18 Wii product placement? Colin Farrell glides onstage like the graceful Irish pixie he is to introduce Irishy song stuff.

7:23 Is anyone else tired of Jack Nicholson or is it just me?

7:30 The Bourne Ultimatum dude wins for Editing.

7:42 Those at least partially Irish peeps win for the song from Once. I missed a couple of awards, I think. Suck it up. I have a life, you know. Stop riding my ass, geez. Go here to see a full list o' stuff: Oscar.com

7:57 That's nice that Jon Stewart let the Once chick finish her thank-yous.

8:00 Dude for There Will Be Blood wins for Cinematography. Hey, if they wanted me to know their names they'd be better looking and would do something important, like speak lines other people write.

8:09 Original Score: Atonement dude wins.

8:13 The nominees for Documentary Short are trying to act like it's an honor for these soldiers to be presenting their award but inside they are seething. Seething! They wanted at least a Jonah Hill or a Marlee Matlin. Me, I think nobodies awarding to, well, nobodies is kinda appropriate. And now they see Tom Hanks--Tom FUCKING OSCAR WINNER Hanks is giving the full-length documentaries their award. Well, not cool. Taxi to the Dark Side wins for Documentary. (Freeheld won Documentary Short.)

8:25 Diablo Cody wins for writing Juno. I am not so sure if that is a good thing for her career or not. Is it ok to hate her? I forget. I mean not that I hate her, why would I hate her? I love strippers, I love screenwriters, I love brunettes, I love ladies with tattoos of ladies.

I hate her.

Oh just kidding, I'm only jealous. Insanely jealous. I'm jealous of a lot of people. I think that's a sin. Or something.

8:35 Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor. His haircut wins Best Piece of Shit Haircut on a Man Who Can Afford a Good Fucking Haircut.

8:44 Joel and Ethan Coen win Best Director(s). I added the (s). They seem like fun dudes. I hate them, too. Just kidding. (See above, 8:25.)

8:46 No Country for Old Men wins Best Picture. That's nice.

So that's it really. Another Oscars over, thank goodness those nasty writers came to their senses so it wasn't all ruined and shit. Writers are so mean, that's the take home message this year.

Liveblogging The American Gladiators Semifinals Round 1

As fans of fine culture, we've been watching the all-new, all-awesome American Gladiators all along, and we kept meaning to liveblog it (yes, we know liveblogging something like this is essentially meaningless but that's Hands in the Air in a nutshell, wouldn't you say?) and now the time has come. I'm dispensing with the time codes on these because it doesn't really matter much and I'm fucking lazy.

We start off in Gladiator Arena with the first two female contenders squaring off in Hit and Run.

It's clear from the tension in the air that both of these women have tasted the sweet nectar that is the Hulkster, and they hate each other for it. This isn't just an athletic contest, it's a fight for the love of one good, muscular, probably bewigged man.

So our main problem with Hit and Run is that most of the players do it wrong, and if they did it right it would be too easy. The gladiators push 100-pound balls at the players, and instead of just waiting or running past, these idiots duck under them, crawling along the plexiglass bridge. Silly. Jason wonders if any of these people have ever played a video game before, and obviously few have because if they did they'd figure out the whole just wait a second and use timing tactic.

Jason: The balls should be on fire. And the gladiators should have guns.

Jenni: This whole thing should be on roller skates.

Jason: The whole show should be on roller skates.

Jenni: Yeah, true.

Jason: Or the gladiators should ride the balls and grab the players.

Jenni: Or the balls could have spikes, at least for the semifinals. Or they should change the bridge, make it really skinny, or grease it, or remove random slats.

Jason: The bridge should move (like a people mover, but fast)

Jenni: Yeah and they have to roller skate against it.

Steve: The pit shouldn't have water in it, it should have spikes, like Mortal Kombat.

Clearly, we should be coming up with events for this show.

And now it's the men's turn. Touching shit: the small blond man is doing this for his dead mother. And the small dark haired man is doing this for his fellow firefighters and all the firefighters who have ever died in New York, or the world, something like that.

Jenni: Oh, yeah, that's great, I bet the dead people are really touched. There was a conference call up in heaven--all right everybody, listen up--we've got two brave young men down on earth who are dedicating their American Gladiator runs to a few of the dead up here. What an amazing, meaningful gesture. There were tears in heaven that day, I'll tell you that.

Power Ball. Jason says the gladiator Titan is called that because that's what happens to his pants when he's with these men.

A bug pops up advertising My Dad is Better than Your Dad, and as an aside, I'm pretty sure my dad could totally demolish Jason's and Steve's dads. They disagree. They're ridiculous. I ain't saying my dad's superbadass as much as I am saying that their dads are sort of creampuffs. We're an athletic family. I'm just saying. I dominate, and I must get that from somewhere, am I right? My mom could also totally take their moms, on the for real tip.

Hang Tough, with the ladies, then the men. Not much happening there, but this is one of the more sexually charged events because the gladiators end up just wrapping their legs around the contenders and trying to get them into the pool. Always looks humpy.

Gauntlet. You can totally tell when the blonde chick gets thru to the end that the artist formerly known as Hollywood Hogan is totally proud that he did this girl earlier, and she feels like she's earned his love. It's pretty touching. The same thing happens with the brunette chick. Amazing. Who will win the affection of Hulk Hogan and the chance to appear on Hogan Knows Best next season? I don't know!!

Joust. Titan keeps wiggling his big Easter Ham thighs in the most sensual way. You know that thing Jason said about Titan earlier? I'm pretty sure it's happening to Steve and Jason right here on our very own couch.

The Announcer and Hulkster say Joust is Titan's house and Titan's Joust. Jason says he imagines Titan's house has nice drapes and doilies in it.

The Wall. Wolf was chasing the blond dude, so he sniffed him before the event. At the end, Wolf did not catch his prey but he did roar right into the camera.

Steve: I was turned on and frightened at the same time. Wolf is mantastic.

Pyramid. When Justice and Mayhem come out, they sort of just jump around atop the squishy blocks and look very much like young ladies at a slumber party. The blond guy actually started laughing at them and so did we. By the way, the blond dude is wearing some very supportive underwears, and is sporting a bit of a pyramid of his own, if you know what I mean. He also talks like he's on speed. Jason says he should thank his dealer for his great performance in the game.

As the men get ready for the Eliminator, the brunet firefighter is doing this weird bouncy waist and hip thrusty stretch move. What was he doing?

Jenni: That's known as the fireman's pelvic stretch. He's getting his "hose" ready.

Jason: What do you want to bet that Titan is down there, just out of the shot?

I sort of just stopped then, I mean, Steve and Jason said some other things that were probably funny in there but I was getting really hungry and not really paying attention. I'm a bad lady. Maybe they could edit in some of their comedy if they see fit. Or not. I dunno. The blond guy and the brunette lady won, in case you were wondering.

Can't look away from the Oscarnage

As wannabe Hollywood insiders (read: douches in training) it seemed only natural that we should liveblog the Oscars from our unbelievably close perch approximately 22 blocks away from the Academy Awards' epicenter (and one of our favorite Chinese joints, incidentally). Yep, we're close enough to hear the helicopters overhead, then hear them again a moment later on the preshow. Take that, flyover states!

I know some people like it when the latest post is at the top for liveblogging...well, fuck y'all, I'm not gonna do it one way then reverse it for posterity. Deal with it.

5:08 Steve is killing me with his extremely strong opinions on what the ladies are wearing. He's got a bit of the Seacrest in him. I was going to make a penis in ass joke here, but I didn't, becuz the Oscars is classy.

Steve's likes: Jennifer Lopez and Reese Witherspoon's dresses.

Steve's observations on fashion: Cameron Diaz looks like hell. Hate the hair, hate the makeup, hate the dress. The earrings are ok. Reese Witherspoon's hair color is awful, he hates that dark roots with blonde hair look. And he can't believe people aren't calling Nicole Kidman on her bullshit red bow on shoulder disaster. He also hates when people like Penelope Cruz pull their hair back, because a lot of the actresses have too angular features and you really need a softer, rounder face to make that look work.

We've both noticed a lot of people are rocking the cool-toned light brown hair that I've had for a few years now. God you fucking Hollywood bitches, quit fucking copying me!

5:22 Oh Marky Mark, I think we all know why you weren't in a Martin Scorsese film any sooner. He knew that peepee you were showing off in Boogie Nights was fake.

5:24 Did that ugly, wooden broad from Lucky Magazine just call Guillermo del Toro, Alfonso Cuaron and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu "The Three Amigos?" Oh ha ha three Mexicans at the Oscars, and none with a broom! Delightful. If we cover you in cinnamon sugar, Guillermo del Toro will eat you alive, bitch.

5:31 I'm hating this seemingly Mac commercial-inspired opening sequence. Too long, not cute, is this supposed to be funny? Oh, Helen Mirren (naughty link NSFW), Steve said earlier he'd stuff her ballot box, if you get my meaning. That means he would fuck her.

5:35 Thank God they're spotlighting everyone who's nominated. They really don't get enough credit. Except for this big fucking award show. And the Governor's Ball afterward. And the increased paychecks from the cachet of being nominated. Are there still gift bags? I think there are, they just need to pay taxes on them (wink).

5:37 Jason (who's working right now, ha ha ha sucker) says this year's Oscar theme is "Green Oscars" or something. This is the green Oscars? Hence the arrivals in hybrid cars. Oh, you mean they didn't show that on your TV, either? Yeah. Wicked. I hope you're happy, Al Gore. P.S. I like Ellen's daring dark red velvet pantsuit. The shoes, maybe not. She sort of looks like the red velvet cupcake I had the other day. Ellen is my little cupcake.

5:41 I am having a hard time paying attention to the opening monologue. That Blacks, gays and Jews joke/follow-up Oscar joke was actually pretty funny, tho.

5:45 The first award--Art Direction. Oh, Jason was right, they did shuffle the traditional order of awards. He says because the producers of the show felt the big ones this year are the supporting actor categories that usually lead the show, if they lead with them, people would tune out early. So, there you go. Speaking of Jason, he's on to an early lead in our small Oscar pool, having picked Pan's Labyrinth as the winner.

5:53 Will Ferrel's white man fro is making my girl parts tingle. Or, the bleach I used to clean the bathroom really is as toxic as I thought it might be...since my girl parts are like, so not the only things tingling.

5:55 Jack Black thinks Helen Mirren is hot, too. See, Steve, it's OK I outed you. I like this little comedy song thing. Did I just earn my Hollywood Douche Card? Pwease?!?

5:58 The makeup award goes to Pan's Labyrinth. Jason called it. We now think he was holding out on us, the little bitch. We were at the Silver Spoon (A QT hangout! Douche Card?) filling out our ballot things and we had only one pen and he was all "Wah, I don't know what to pick, you guys go first." Yeah right, you bastard.

6:01 Kids and Oscars go together like peanut butter and jelly...like hamburgers and french fries...hell, like kids and rape scenes. Uh-oh, Jaden messed up, Will is probably okay with that but Jada don't play. None of us picked The Danish Poet for Animated Short. West Bank Story wins for Live Action Short, which Steve and I picked and Jason said would totally not win. Whatev, Jason.

6:13 I think we're all pretty confused about this sound effects choir, including those in the audience. Failed joke? Real thing? Dunno. Oh, well.

6:15 Sound Editing...Letters from Iwo Jima. It is usually a war movie that wins this shit. Sound Mixing...Dreamgirls. I like how they're illustrating what these categories mean with visuals because I'm sure people think it should just be one Goddamn category.

6:22 Supporting Actor. What kind of clip is that from Little Children? Dude comes out of a pool, yelling? Maybe someone doesn't like that dude. Alan Arkin wins. Eddie Murphy is putting on a good face, but I think I caught a microexpression of surprise. Steve is gloating because even tho he didn't pick Arkin, he was certain Eddie Murphy would not win. He thinks we owe him something for knowing that.

I think the bendy people acting out the Best Picture nominees thing is sort of cute. Steve hates them and thinks things like this should be cut, not acceptance speeches. He doesn't get that they have to put on a show. His Douche Card is so not in the mail.

6:36 Hollywood is Al Gore's dirty little bitch. How else can you explain Current TV still being on the air? They're talking about the green Oscars now. Yeah, nothing wasteful about a huge show like this. No way.

6:42 Ellen's a decent host. Oh, who doesn't like insertion of the animated characters into the audience? Oh, look, reaction shots! Ahahahaha. Golly, gee, how did they do that? It looks soooo real. Happy Feet wins the Animated Feature category.

6:45 A tribute to writers. Oh, please, anyone can write. The internet is proof of that.

6:49 What do you think they'll do with that bitchin' crystal curtain? Sparkly.

6:50 Best Adapted Screenplay--they're reading from the scripts over the scene from the movie, then continuing the scene from the movie only. My God, it's like, movie magic. Someone writes this stuff? Even the visual stuff? Get out of here right now. The Departed wins. The announcer person just called Infernal Affairs a Japanese movie. Um. Awesome.

7:00 Costume design. This is nice, having the costumes there. Marie Antoinette wins. Yeah, those are pretty sweet.

7:13 Cinematography. Pan's Labyrinth. Yeah, I have only gotten two right, including this one. I'm sucking.

7:21 Visual Effects. Pirates of the Caribbean. The factoids they're occasionally giving out about the winners are dumb. The winner's joke about being blind and from the Bronx--hilarious! The Bronx sucks! Hah! It makes you blind and unfunny.

7:25 Do they always get foreigners to give out the Best Foreign Language Film award? Because they should. Because they're foreign films. Americans don't see those and don't care. Well, if one had like a lot of boobies in it, maybe. Les Boobies du Matin or some shit. I adore Cate Blanchett's dress. It has boobies in it, that's why I care. The Lives of Others won, in case you do care.

7:33 Has George Clooney had work done recently? He looks fantastic. As fresh and dewy as Abigail Breslin. Jennifer Hudson won. She's pretty dewy, too. Beyonce's reaction shot--the best acting she's ever, ever done. Oh, Jennifer Hudson. That last-minute shout-out to Jennifer Holliday...you're keepin' it for really real, girl.

7:40 A Dancing With the Stars promo just implied that dancing with one fake leg is the "ultimate dance challenge." Or...does that mean she doesn't get to wear the prosthetic leg in the competition? Because I would so watch that.

7:43 The Blood of Yingzhou District wins the Documentary Short category. Steve wonders aloud if they have to let people give speeches for categories nobody cares about. Oh my little Steve. He's so cute.

7:47 Best Documentary Feature. Let's see if Hollywood really is Al Gore's dirty little bitch. Um, yep. An Inconvenient Truth wins. Larry David is a big environmentalist, which is why they cut to him for a reaction shot, in case you're wondering. Show directors do that sort of thing. (That Hollywood Douche Card must be in the mail now.)

7:51 Jason says Ennio Morricone is pissed he's getting an honorary Oscar because he rather liked being in the company of those who were never given an Oscar. I see his point. But truly, he's now in the company of greats like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon (Screenplay), Hoppy Goldberg (Supporting Actress) and the guy who wrote "You Light Up My Life." So. Yeah. Good company either way.

8:08 Babel wins for Original Score. Latino power! That's why I'm the one liveblogging. It's our year.

8:11 Didn't Kirsten Dunst used to have tits? Like, pretty decent tits? Isn't that why white guys (and pretty much only white guys) think she's hot? The tittays? Original Screenplay. They're doing the reading trick, which Steve rather likes. I guess it's nice that they are illustrating some of the--ah--boring-er categories for the plebs and all. Like Steve. Little Miss Sunshine wins. Jason and I are tied at 7 correct guesses each. Steve's rocking in at 5. We are sucking on this one.

8:23 Steve says that losing the Oscar was the kind of loss Eddie Murphy can only soothe by the killing of hookers. Yeah, I think we've all been there. Oh look, Jennifer Hudson's bra appears to be showing a bit. Scandal! Oh no, not a choir. Please, no. Didn't we all collectively get over that in the 90s?

8:28 Melissa Etheridge is also Al Gore's dirty little bitch. She won for Best Song, tho. Upset! You all thought something from Dreamgirls was gonna win, didn't ya? Yeah, we did, too.

8:36 Will Smith is just magical because it looks like at any moment his ears will start flapping, at first like a butterfly and then faster, like a hummingbird, and take him up to heaven where he must have come from. I think that's why America loves him so.

8:40 Kate Winslet is wearing mint green. A couple of broads are. Beyonce was, anyway. Why? It's ugly. Actually, Kate's dress might be closer to a pastel version of lime green. Sage? Whatever, still ugly. Film Editing category. Thelma Schoonmaker. Damn, I shoulda picked her. I thought about it.

8:45 Time for, as Steve calls it, The March of the Dead People. 'Bout halfway thru and James Doohan is winning--God finally beamed him up. Robert Altman, the last person, totally won, but the clapping was subdued throughout, even for people like Peter Boyle. Huh. Green Oscars, you have a lot to answer for. Does clapping for the dead increase your carbon footprint? I guess it must. Damn you, Al Gore!

8:54 Helen Mirren wins Best Actress. Um, why does Meryl Streep dress like that? Like she's a drama teacher or a psychotherapist? Huh? Anyone?

9:04 (Or so.) Forest Whitaker wins Best Actor. Man, what the fuck is he talking about with lifetimes and shit? That whole speech was just...I totally couldn't listen.

9:07 I think everyone in the world knew this was Martin Scorsese's year, including whoever picked the presenters. This Best Director gets a standing O and big cheers from the audience. That's nice, actually. Somehow, I don't think they'll be playing him off as he runs at the mouth in that adorably New Yawk way.

9:14 The Departed wins Best Picture. Final tallies: Steve with eight right and Jason and Jenni tying for the win with a pathetic 11 correct each. Together, we only correctly picked the winners of 15 of the 24 categories.

Hm. Maybe I shoulda told someone I was doing this liveblogging thing, since it's maybe more interesting in the moment. Oh, well.