Dear Nerds,Hey guys, 'sup? It's me, Steve, your representative on the
Hands in the Air crew. I need to have a word with you all, so grab a frosty Mountain Dew, set down the 20-sided dice for a second, and switch over your attitude modulators from "creepy Internet troll" to "open-minded, hygienically challenged person." Ready? Okay.
I was perusing the Internet, as we all like to do. As many of you, my fellow nerds, I too have taken to the World of Warcraft as a leisure activity, although I'd say the majority of my fellow players have me beat in terms of sheer devoted fervor. So it's not surprising to me when I see the trends and news of the real world bleed into the digital one. It's a pretty natural phenomenon.
But I have to tell you, this kind of shit really depresses me. For those too lazy to click the link, I'll sum up. Basically, someone is planning to pay tribute to the late Steve Irwin, in World of Warcraft. The plan is to get a bunch of avatars into one virtual seaside location and spell out the word "Crikey," then frolic about in the digital surf to, y'know, celebrate the dude's life and shit. Then, if somebody could post the whole thing on YouTube, that would be great. Um, as you guys like to say, WTF (that's "what the fuck," non-nerds)?
Crikey! Let's blow this World of Warcraft wake that these nerds threw for me -- I hear that Paul Hogan is having a Halo party!
I can understand that you're mourning Steve Irwin and you want to show your support, but this kind of shit is just not normal. For one, it comes off as gimmicky at best and outright disrespectful at worst. Don't you see how staging a mock funeral for a person who really died, IRL ("in real life," non-nerds), is patronizing and actually trivializes his death? His avatar didn't die in some reef off the coast of Kalimdor battling Murlocs. He died here on Earth where the real people are. The least you all can do is pay some respects to him in the world in which he actually, you know, lived and died.
But second, this shit has been done before, with disastrous results. What happens when some guild of assclowns raids your memorial service and turns the whole thing into a debacle? You know some of our nerd brethren, despite the ill-used flowery prose and self-appointed "intelligence," are cocks. Straight up, fucktarded cocks. They will fuck with you just for the immature pleasure it gives them because Lord knows we all need to feel powerful sometimes in our lives, even if for some nerds it's in a videogame, ruining the experience of fellow nerds. So what was already an immature display (holding a videogame funeral for a real-life dead person), will be coated in yet another layer of nerd-ridden bullshit.
Third, don't you all understand how bad this makes us look? This shit, right here, is why we all get the shit kicked out of us or teased or bullied or whatever. It's not because we're so smart and people are jealous. It's not because mom says we're special. It's because we have our priorities all fucked up. It's because nerds tend to put this kind of bullshit before actual real, honest-to-goodness human connections. Are our priorities any more fucked up than any other groups? Not necessarily, but our stuff seems to be harder for outsiders to grasp and shit like this is NOT HELPING!
Artist's rendering of Steve Irwin spinning in his grave
So if you really want to pay tribute to Steve Irwin, and not just get the geek clusterfuck that you and your friends put together in WoW on YouTube, then here are some things you can do that will actually mean something:
1. Donate some money to an appropriate charity.
If all of you assfaces would just pull $5 or so out of your pockets and put together some cash instead of meeting up in World of Warcraft, you could make a serious donation to something like, gee, I dunno, THE AUSTRALIA ZOO. You know, the place where Steve worked, which I'm sure can always use more generous financial support in order to better care for its wildlife. The WWF (not the wrestling thing, the animals one), has an Australian branch. They could also use some cash, I'm sure.
There's also your local zoo, or even your local animal shelter. A big donation, or even a small one, in Steve's name, to the cause he obviously was so passionate about makes a MUCH bigger statement and a much more fitting tribute to the man than spelling out "Crikey" in imaginary Night Elves.
2. Learn more about animals.
The man was passionate about wildlife and went to great lengths to spread that passion to everyone he could. So if you take up that curiosity (I don't mean grabbing poisonous snakes or wrestling crocodiles here, but actually learning more about them), that gives his life, and by extension his death, some real meaning, or at least more than frolicking in the virtual surf with some videogame Dwarves.
And spread that passion to others. If, by some miracle or loop-hole in the justice system you have access to children, spend some time with them to talk about animals. Pique their curiosity in wildlife. I can't think of a much better tribute than passing on something like that.
3. Go the fuck outside.
This one is pretty easy and, frankly, some of you need it. Shower first, please, then actually go out and spend some time in the sunshine. Get some vitamin D for Christ's sake! Go on a picnic. Go camping. Go for a walk. Spend time getting to know this planet while you still can. Steve Irwin obviously cared a whole hell of a lot about it. Aren't you curious why? Maybe you can find out. Just go the fuck outside!
Okay, that's all from me for now. I'll send you guys another letter the next time you do something asinine. Okay, maybe not that soon, but whatever.
Love and Natural 20s,
- Steve
Mind the gap. And don't forget about the oncoming train, either.
Now, I'm no profiler, but I don't think wild animals qualify as serial killers and I'm pretty sure that whirring noise you're hearing is Steve Irwin rolling in his grave.
Beware of serial killers who moonlight as polo shirt logos
