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Sunday, September 14, 2008

OMFG, Gossip Girl, WTF?

I absolutely love that The CW's current ad campaign for Gossip Girl is reveling in how morally questionable the series might be. But really, morals are like the American Gladiators -- they're meant to be challenged, slathered in baby oil and pummeled with giant Q-tips.

Just in case The CW needs some more pull quotes to promote Gossip Girl, I've created some additional ads for them:

Drug Story

It's a relatively well-known fact that I love shopping in drug stores, like, a LOT. My favorite is probably the Drug Mart chain in Ohio, and don't get me started about the Boots chain in England--but I love them all at least a little. I like the makeup aisles, I like the general mix of crap, and I love the shoddy gifts and novelties you can get pretty much only at drug stores. I can spend hours at Drug Mart, but I can put in some good time even at a shitty Rite Aid.

Today I went to CVS by myself. As I'm walking to the store, and this old man kind of looks past me, starts laughing, looks at me, laughs some more, and then goes on his merry way.

And in my head I'm like, "Fuck you you old man, what the fuck is your problem, laughing at me? What's so goddamn funny?" Because you can't really converse with old people, even when you want to say something polite, you just can't. They won't understand you. Try it sometime with a non-relative, I think you'll see I'm right.

I continue to curse the old man as I start shopping. And then I sort of forget him because I'm looking at the makeup aisles and reading the circulars and whatever. And I get to the gifts aisle and I see this little number:

And I'm like well, Merry Christmas Jason! I like that it marries the rough, leathery elegance of the old West with good, old-fashioned Christian classiness--and it will remind you of getting a whoopin', you know, from a gay cowboy. (The only way to get a whoopin', in my opinion.)

There were several picture frames and I think maybe a clock in the same faux leather and silver motif, most but not all with crosses. Some had guns and bullets, which, you know, same diff.

Then I go down one of the grocery aisles and I see this:

And after I swallowed back down the remnants of my breakfast that tried to escape, I snapped another picture. Because we're in Cali, there are all sorts of kookles products in these types of stores aimed solely at Hispanicals who hate their children and have heard of good nutrition but want nothing to do with it.

This one just particularly grossed me out because why would you want to drink corn starch with strawberry flavors and supposed vitamins? And why does it look like you'll be drinking the brain of this happy glassful of corn starch drink? I don't know the answers. But they aren't trying to hide the corn, they want you to know the corn is in there. Ew. I guess it would be a sort of thickish drink so you could pretend your kids were drinking milk. I don't know. Is there a white people version of this I've been missing? I want to say no but I am no expert at shitty foods.

Anydoodles, I get back to my filthy car and that's when I see it...the message I'd written in the dirt of the back window the week before, and promptly forgotten all about:

So that's why the old man was laughing. I was able to release some of my anger at him, and I even thought to myself, "Oh, so he was appreciating my humor, so that's good."

But, you know, fuck him anyway. Old people think they're all that and a bag of colostomy.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Satan Loves Hot Girl-on-Girl Action

If you're gonna go to church, you might as well go to one run by a pastor who writes his sermons while shakin' his moneymaker to the beat of your local KISS, STAR, Z-something or whatever other pop radio station is big in your town. Or maybe not. In Blacklick, Ohio, a homophobic pastor seems to think the whole sapphic sentiment of Katy Perry's chart-topper, "I Kissed a Girl," will damn you straight to hell.

Who knew the taste of cherry chapstick was so evil?
She kissed a girl and I liked it. Then they had a pillowfight in their lingerie and I liked it even more.

Personally, I think hot chicks making out is the best kinda gay there is, but besides that, I have a lotta other problems with this church sign:
  1. In the context of a sign, Katy Perry's lyrics could very well have been something spoken by a dude, which I assume the church wouldn't say would damn you to hell. First base is okay in everyone's book, despite what my harassment record might indicate.

  2. Aren't there worst musical acts to criticize? Like, I don't know, maybe Nickelback? Seriously, those guys must've made a deal with the devil to still be popular for releasing the same crappy song over and over.

  3. As any late-night viewer of Cinemax would agree, there is absolutely nothing wrong with two women locking lips. At least until your roommate walks in unexpectedly and catches you watching Forbidden Co-Ed Confessions. Then it's just plain embarrassing. But it's not a sin. Otherwise God wouldn't have given us that many premium cable movie channels.

  4. Um, this incident happened in a town called "Blacklick."
If the pastor is as uptight as he seems, he could really just swap out the first two lines of his sign with any other lyrics from a current pop song and then just tack on the "then I went to hell" part after it. He might be onto something... Sorta like the how you add "in bed" after reading a fortune cookie fortune. Try it:

Colbie Caillat's "Bubbly"
"It starts in my toes, and I crinkle my nose... then I went to hell"

Weezer's "Beverly Hills":
"Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be... then I went to hell"

Anyway, if you're feeling creative, please submit any other song lyrics that would sound good followed by "then I went to hell." Otherwise, I'll see you in hell!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Open Letter to Douchebag Old Guy

Dear Douchebag Old Guy,

I'd apologize for not catching your name, but, seeing as you're a douchebag, I wasn't really interested in it.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing you this letter, because again, you're a douchebag, so your douchebaggery is probably completely invisible to you. It's like the dirty, smelly guy in your Statistics class in college. He doesn't know he smells because he just lives with the stink, even though he should know if he never so much as looks at running water that he is probably giving off an odor. Similarly, you live with your douchey ways all day, every day, so why would you notice them?

Now I'm sure you enjoy working out and taking a walk in your neighborhood in the morning. That's cool. Good for you, staying healthy at the ripe old age of ancient. I do have one little piece of advice, though, if I may be so presumptuous. How about you don't dress in the dirty, faded jumpsuit with holes in it and tatters around the ankles. Why, you ask? Well, see, combined with the sunglasses you've probably had since the early '80s, the look of begrudged dickishness you're wearing and the Terminator-style walk directed right at me, in the street no less, you kinda sorta looked like a serial killer.

I only mention this because you seemed so offended when I didn't smile and wave "hello!" like your favorite rerun of Leave it to Beaver, even going so far as to call out a douchey "Well good morning" after you were safely past me. Now, maybe it's just me, but I tend not to engage people who look like they are about to stab me and eat my pancreas in polite conversation. As a matter of fact, I tend to walk as far away from them as possible whilst still heading toward safety, which is exactly what I did.

Now I get that you're not a serial killer, (maybe), so my bad, but when you dress and act like one, you lose the right to be offended when someone draws that conclusion and avoids you. It's like if I went around looking like Santa, then got all douchey and passive-aggressive when you wanted to sit on my lap at Christmas time.

Anyway, just thought you'd like to know.


Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Unnecessary Liveblog: Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss

So we were trolling Netflix looking for something to sign up for, and we found Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss, which is Shakespeare performed by seals. It sounded unbelievably stupid, so I said we should watch it and liveblog it.

We were hoping they'd club themselves or each other to death in the pivotal scene. But, upon watching the previews, it's apparent this has a happy ending and a wedding, so, no go.

The thing is, we've been busy so we've had the DVD sitting in front of our TV for about two months, maybe more, we've sort of lost track. On one hand, you could say we've been keeping this movie from kids who really want to see it. But on the other, we're actually sort of heroes--we saved kids the pain, at least for a little while. You're welcome, kids.

This post is totally disjointed because Jenni wrote a lot of it including most of the beginning and the bits at the end, then Steve took over, then we tried to fold in Jason's remarks he was doing separately because Jenni was too upset to keep liveblogging. Honestly, if the guy who made this movie can't be arsed to have his movie make sense, we'll be goddamned if we'll make the liveblog we're posting almost a month after we liveblogged make sense. But you know, the few times we say something funny in this post makes this post about a billion times more entertaining than this movie. Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss a tragedy, but not in the sense the original Romeo and Juliet is.

Jason: So we probably ruined summer vacation for entertainment-starved kids by keeping this Netflix for over two months. It took us this long to finally watch this.

Steve: What if seeing this movie was some Make-A-Wish Foundation kid's final wish, and we ruined it by not returning the DVD?

The disc's preview for the same company's Captain Sabertooth is a PG rating with the descriptor "Mild Adventure." To which Jenni said, you know, normally the MPAA doesn't make judgments but in this case they wanted to warn people about the movie, yet they wanted to be nice about it.

Just a quick snapshot of the movie: The Capulets are white seals, the Montagues are brown. So it takes the classic story and sticks a cruddy layer of social commentary on it, which, nice one. They live side-by-side in an astoundingly ugly, oddly colored place with bizarre geography. Oh, and the script will give you an ulcer.

Steve: The brown seal looks like a pile of shit with eyes.

Jenni (watching the preview): I think the sound is mono. (It was.)

Steve: Seriously, when the seals kiss it looks like a pile of shit kissing a snowman.

Jason: This is perhaps the most perfect movie experience in the whole world. I can't believe we're denying kids this movie for their summer vacation.

Jenni: The seals all sound like they're burping when they talk.

Mercutio is quoting other Shakespeare plays. Awesome.

Jason: Seriously, so they're just going to drop in other Shakespeare lines?
Steve: Oh my fucking God, does he really only talk in lines from other Shakespeare plays?

So the brown and white seals are fighting. So then a big green blob seal (?) comes out of the sea in a burst of red and orange light and he's all pissed that all the seals are fighting or something? And they're all scared and he tells them he'll banish them to Shark Island? And he's a prince?

So then Romeo's on a rock like the Little Mermaid and he's bummed out.

Jason: Why is Romeo so emo?

Jenni: Oh fuck me now they're doing shitty doo woppy semi-song (Jason's favorite band is called Semi-song) and Romeo's sort of talk singing...what the hellephant?

The song ends, finally.
Jenni: That was so poorly done.

Steve: I think they used only music they didn't have to license.

Jenni: Was this made in America? This doesn't seem American.

Jason: They should do "Hamlet" next, but with baby pigs. Get it? Ham-let? This movie is giving me cancer.
Jenni: Mercutio keeps calling them sea lions so they're not even seals? what the FUCK? I am so pissed.

The fact that they're apparently sea lions and yet the movie is called "Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss" pretty much tells you all you need to know about this production. I can't even express how much this sucks. If you hate your kids, but you don't want to get a visit from child services, you should just get this and make them watch it. I guarantee it will hurt them a lot more than a smack or two across the face or a cigarette burn ever could.

Honestly, so early in we were so stunned and upset we just kind of sat there, making random exclamations when something really stood out as retarded.

Jenni: What the FUCK is THAT?
On seeing the friar who we think is an otter. Maybe.

Jason: We need to tally up how many fucking times we say "What the fuck?" while watching this fucking movie.

The friar had to consult his magical underwater sammich-making bowl before he would agree to marry Romeo and Juliet. Apparently he was afraid the marriage would cause a sea lion apocalypse or something.

Ewww! Sea lion make-out session.

Jason: Mercutio tells lonely Romeo about all the hot sea lionesses out there and how it's a "veritable seafood buffet." Insert your clam-eating/pearl necklace/diving/crabs joke here.

Jason: Whenever the seals start "running" or stop suddenly, you hear the stock sound effect of screeching tires. Or is that the sound of Shakespeare rolling in his grave?

Jenni: How do you make the sound of a speeding seal if not a car?

Jason: Well, yeah...

Jenni: Yeah, next time think before you talk.

Jason: Fucking club me now! The seals are re-enacting the Titanic "I'm king of the world" scene on the bow of a cruise ship. Should've been an oil rig, cuz it would've been awesome if they oil-slicked themselves to death for their suicides.
Jason: The orange baby fish just asked Romeo and Juliet if they're gonna have any babies. Then the fish warned how they can't get married cuz one's a Capulet and one's a Montague. Thanks for moving the plot along, fish. Now get us to the end credits, Nemo wannabe.
Jenni: So, will they have tan babies, or what? Beige?

An annoying goldfish wants to be adopted by the seals. Oh, shit, she just figured out this marriage is forbidden, so she's over it. Don't seals, like, eat fish?

Jenni: I like how it's trying to make a point, but it's buried in so much horseshit, you can't tell what it is.

Apparently all of the local sea life are a bunch of intolerant pricks who can't stand a brown seal dancing with a white seal.

Oh, surprise. The Capulet dad seal who always falls down, fell down again. It gets funnier every time it happens.

A seal just died by falling into the water. Yes, seriously.

It looks like Romeo and the morbidly obese seal might be dead. Oh no, they're fine since they landed safely on the hard sand instead of in that deadly water like Mercutio.

Romeo really loves Juliet. For instance, if the fat, ugly Prince just told him to go to Shark Island, he wouldn't just go with absolutely no fight. Oh, wait, he just did that.

Apparently the Prince is cool with bigamy. He's about to marry Juliet. And now he's wearing a tuxedo complete with top hat and cane. And now he's wearing an Admiral uniform and driving a boat. No wonder he's the Prince. He's singing a song about being hot with child-voiced starfish singing the chorus of "He's so hot!" and it's easily one of the most painful, pointless moments in a painful, pointless movie.

Jenni: Are they shitting us with that? What the fuck was that? I'm getting upset now. I've gone through the whole gamut of emotion.

The annoying goldfish doesn't like water. Apparently it's "too wet." Yeah.

Jenni: You know how sometimes you talk to an old person and they say some crazy shit and you're like "what the fuck are they talking about?" And then you talk to a little kid and they're trying to explain like an episode of SpongeBob to you or something and it doesn't make any fucking sense? This is like that, like if you took a crazy old person and a four-year-old, and had them write a script.

Apparently there are no sharks on Shark Island. What the fuck?

Jenni: What's with the magic lava bowl of prophecy? It looks like what my grandmother makes hot sauce in.

Wait, Mercutio just showed up. Is he alive or is he a ghost? How very Shakespearean.

The friar just dropped the unconscious (faking death) Juliet like a sack of potatoes. And then tripped on her on his way to the ocean.

Oh great, the otter just found the only fucking shark in the whole ocean and guess where the shark isn't -- that's right, Shark Island.

Jenni: I'm starting to believe that the people who made this movie have never actually SEEN a movie before.

Shit just got real. You know how? That's right, black and white for the seal romance scene.

Okay, now the otter is rapping at the shark. The music in this movie is probably the worst thing about it. Have I said that already?

The little goldfish is now unfunnily quoting Schwarzenegger movies. Oh, a bunch of little fish are spanking a big, hungry shark into submission. Yeah, great.

Jenni: This is a level of terrible that I have never encountered before. It's amazing.

Now we're treated to a sad, royalty-free version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"

Oh shit, Mercutio really IS alive. Thank God, more misplaced Shakespeare quotes from other plays.

The movie is treating this like oh, so sad, but we all know they're not dead. What the hell?

Oh, they've been hiding a fat pink seal with cleavage. It's probably the Prince's twin sister, but he seems okay with boning her instead of Juliet, so happy endings all around.

Jason: This just ruined movies for me.

Jenni: It's going to be a while before I can trust again.

The annoying goldfish is pointing out the plotholes in her own goddamn movie. Also, apparently she's a kissing fish named Kissy.

Steve: Do you guys want to watch "The Making Of"?

Jenni: Yes, I want to put faces to my hate.

Jason: I want to see them polishing a turd.

Jenni: I think it's like a rock tumbler, you put in poop and it comes out the other side as reels of film.

Jason: Do you realize how many movies we could have had from Netflix?

Jenni: They could replace waterboarding with this movie.

Jenni: This is like a Mr. Rogers "How Does Spaghetti Get Made."

Apparently, one guy made this by himself and his kids were a lot of the voices/singers, including the nonsense-spouting Kissy fish. YOU DON'T SAY. Like, I'll give you a few points for gumption and effort, but yeesh. It's sort of heartbreaking when you think about it, so I'm going to stop thinking about it.

Rent it from Netflix...IF YOU DARE. But don't let your kids watch it, that's just mean.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Grand Old Preggers

Teen pregnancy is totally in this year: Juno, Jamie Lynn Spears and now the daughter of John McCain's running mate. Sure, Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, could've stayed 2008-trendy by simply throwing on a scarf and a pair of leggings, but getting knocked up by some hockey dude is a much, much better gimmick. And lord knows we love gimmicks, like giving your kids silly names like Bristol, Piper, Willow, Trig and Track.

Anyway, give me and Jenni a good gimmick and that equals a half hour of us wasting time at work chatting about it...

Jason (1:48:30 PM):
let's do a blog post about potential names for sarah palin's daughter's baby. since all her kids have dumb names
Jenni (1:50:22 PM): ok like where we chat about it
Jenni (1:50:24 PM): or a real post
Jason (1:50:29 PM): either
Jason (1:50:33 PM): which is funnier?
Jenni (1:51:07 PM): uhh
Jenni (1:51:08 PM): dunno
Jenni (1:51:15 PM): i know which is easier, tho, bro
Jason (1:51:39 PM): which is easier, packer?
Jason (1:51:52 PM): (see that's a potential name. hoo-larious in chat)
Jenni (1:52:06 PM): chat, duh
Jenni (1:52:13 PM): chat = not a bad name for a baby
Jason (1:53:42 PM): patch, crinkle, turnip and saxophone
Jenni (1:54:35 PM): I actually like Patch. Am I a redneck?
Jenni (1:54:38 PM): Tater?
Jenni (1:54:51 PM): Hoof
Jenni (1:55:02 PM): Trailer
Jason (1:55:08 PM): trailer is good
Jenni (1:55:10 PM): Antler
Jason (1:55:34 PM): motel, fryer, anvil
Jenni (1:56:05 PM): Sunty, pronounced "Sun tea" because she really likes tea
Jenni (1:56:19 PM): made in the Alaska sun
Jason (1:56:20 PM): ooh, you doing research now?
Jenni (1:56:27 PM): no i am just making up fun facts
Jason (1:56:30 PM): nice
Jason (1:56:31 PM): frontier
Jason (1:56:37 PM): cuz alaska is the last frontier
Jason (1:56:45 PM): except for space, which is the final frontier
Jason (1:56:48 PM): so maybe "space"
Jason (1:57:02 PM): Space Palin-Hockey Guy
Jenni (1:57:36 PM): Jewno or Jookno because Juneau and also, Juno
Jenni (1:57:55 PM): and i like alternate spellings of things that don't require alternate spellings
Jenni (1:58:02 PM): that seems very northern exposure
Jenni (1:58:10 PM): ...why was that show called northern exposure
Jenni (1:58:42 PM): Jooknow, maybe, because it's like, knowledge
Jenni (1:58:47 PM): for joo
Jenni (2:00:03 PM): ...I think I just won. I don't want to call it too early, but...
Jenni (2:00:48 PM): ...Ellipsis...
Jason (2:00:48 PM): well then, to paraphrase Maury, "you are the father"
Jenni (2:01:24 PM): Remember that 90-pound toddler saying that?
Jason (2:01:53 PM): he say that to his 9-lb pork chop breakfast?
Jenni (2:02:36 PM): Chop and/or Pork would be pretty as a middle name
Jason (2:03:08 PM): totally. so would "middle"
Jason (2:03:32 PM): no wonder she keeps having kids. so many words to choose from for names
Jenni (2:03:41 PM): no it was a little chubby girl and when she hit the stage in her tasteful bike shorts and sports bra, she took one look at Maury and said "You are not the father" and then she put her hands on the sides of her face in the classic "Home Alone" style
Jenni (2:03:49 PM): and Maury lost his shit, as did I
Jason (2:04:01 PM): oh, right! now i 'member
Jenni (2:04:27 PM): I think it's nice when people really go for an odd name
Jenni (2:05:03 PM): If I ever get to name a baby by myself, it's on
Jenni (2:05:28 PM): Shinola
Jenni (2:05:56 PM): is it a boy or a girl, do you know
Jenni (2:06:03 PM): because Shinola is more on the girl tip
Jason (2:06:03 PM): don't think they know
Jenni (2:06:28 PM): Lubridor
Jason (2:06:45 PM): i think they just found out about the baby yesterday, just like the republican party did
Jason (2:06:54 PM): til then she just thought bristol was getting tubby
Jenni (2:07:21 PM): I hope that's true
Jason (2:07:43 PM): sometimes a government probe is the best pregnancy test
Jenni (2:08:05 PM): I think the '80s were the best time for hiding a teen pregnancy because there were a lot of oversized clothes then and sweatshits were still ok for everyday wear
Jason (2:08:14 PM): also, a good government probe can get you preggers, if you know what i mean
Jenni (2:08:19 PM): oh i know
Jason (2:08:58 PM): yes, the '80s must've been a good time to get knocked up
Jenni (2:09:04 PM): dude totally
Jason (2:09:11 PM): the entire "facts of life" cast was giving birth left and right, but no one suspected a thing
Jason (2:09:14 PM): not even mrs. garrett
Jason (2:09:26 PM): christ, we have our post right here
Jenni (2:09:32 PM): Mrs. Garret knew, she was making them breed for profit
Jason (2:09:34 PM): cut & paste this fucker
Jason (2:10:12 PM): this is comedy gold
Jenni (2:10:16 PM): truly
Jason (2:10:23 PM): now i know how dane cook feels after he takes a shit
Jenni (2:10:26 PM): pants will be wet, you have my word
Jason (2:11:14 PM): "pants will be wet" is my favorite Paul Thomas Anderson movie
Jason (2:11:31 PM): "i drink your milkshake... from your pants"
Jenni (2:11:39 PM): Hands in the Air: The Leader in Pants Soaking Since 2006
Jason (2:12:01 PM): this is gonna be a long post, cuz we don't know how to turn off the comedy
Jenni (2:12:20 PM): And that is why my pants budget is so out of control
Jason (2:12:31 PM): now i know how carlos mencia feels when he wakes up
Jenni (2:13:04 PM): Carlos Mencia is a bedwetter?
Jason (2:13:38 PM): if his dreams were as funny as what he thinks up when he's awake
Jenni (2:14:10 PM): And...scene!
Jason (2:14:20 PM): his jokes are like refugees rafting thru his pee-puddled bed
Jason (2:14:24 PM): damn, missed the cutoff