7 Hours of Stand-Up: Dane Cook Sets Endurance Record for Being Unfunny

Until this past Wednesday, comedian Dave Chapelle held the record for performing the longest stand-up routine of 6 hours, 12 minutes, but Dane Cook managed to best the time this week with a 7-hour lame-a-thon consisting of the overwrought hipster-babble he likes to pass off as "jokes."

Whether you're enduring the non-side-splitting comedy of Dane or waiting in line at the DMV, seven hours is just way too long of a time to be doing something. It's just a long time to be doing anything, really. Hell, I still haven't seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies just because sometimes I have to go pee. Not everyone can last a marathon session with the Tantric mastery of Sting.

In any case, a 7-hour comedy set is a major feat and I'm not going to deny Mr. Cook his record-setting accomplishment, especially since every hour he spends on stage means that's just one less hour he could be trying to film Employee of the Month 2. In the meantime, Dane is now in the record books for being absolutely humorless for the most consecutive hours, a record previously held by such non-comedic brow-furrowers as Steven Seagal, David Caruso, Don Henley, the Pope, the entire cast of The King of Queens and the weekend manager at your local Hot Topic store.

And... time! Damn, that's just about one minute of me being unfunny. Damn you, Dane Cook.

R.I.P. Sinbad... No, Wait.

Rest easy, comedy fans -- Sinbad is alive and well. The comedian, best known for starring in Jingle All the Way and world-renowned for his swashbuckling voyages across the seven seas, was erroneously reported dead on Thursday by user-generated site Wikipedia.

Sinbad
Actor-Comedian/Sailor-Arabian Knight
November 10, 1956 - March 15, 2006
March 16, 2006 -

For a brief moment, the Laugh Factory almost updated its marquee to memorialize Sinbad, but they didn't have enough letters to spell out "Make God mildly chuckle at your jokes, 2-inch fade and blue pleather jumpsuit. They're not all funny, but 2 outta 3 ain't bad."

Perhaps the false report was posted by an overeager moviegoer who's still smarting from a debilitating case of side-splitting after seeing Houseguest, but it could very well be that Sinbad himself wrote the article. This past week, Sinbad enjoyed what likely amounts to the most press he's gotten in his entire career, and the hype is all over an entirely non-noteworthy event: Sinbad is still alive. In related news, several other uncelebrities have been confirmed to still be among us, including the youngest son from TV's Mr. Belvedere, the lead singer from The Verve Pipe and Jimmy Fallon.